Sound of Regret

by Chelsea Roy

  “Jack, you need to go.” She told him flatly. His eyes pressed closed tightly. When they reopened, they bored into hers.

  “You can’t mean that.” Jack told her. “We belong together, Ellie, and you know it.” He reached out to her but she deftly sidestepped him.

  “But I do mean it,” she told him. “There are a lot of things that I don’t mind. That I’m willing to overlook. Hell, there are a lot of things that I already have overlooked. But lying? That’s not one of them. If I can’t trust you to tell me the truth about something like this, how can I trust you when you’re out on the road? When you have fan girls throwing themselves at you?” Ellie shook her head. She moved further away from Jack, suddenly exhausted. “The reality of it all is that we have no future together and nothing in common at all except a screwed up past and good sex.”

  At her words, she watched a shutter slip down over Jack’s face. His shoulders drew in and it seemed like he almost curled in on himself before he drew in a deep breath and straightened himself out. He raised flat blue eyes to hers.

  “When you put it that way, you’re right. We don’t have a future. All these years I’ve thought I wasn’t worthy of someone loving me. I wondered along the way if you might have loved me but I couldn’t convince myself it was real. I knew you’d end up leaving me in the end so I never even let myself go there. And then when I did, even knowing I didn’t deserve your love, I opened up myself to you. I finally believed that you understood me. But here we are with you unable to see my actions in any way other than a gross misinterpretation of what my actual intention was. If you can’t see through what I did to the truth that I love you and I was scared that you would leave if I couldn’t give you what you wanted, then you’re right. We have no future. Because I deserve better than that.” Ellie glared at him, furious with him for trying to twist the situation to make her the bad guy. She hadn’t done anything wrong and was furious he was trying to make it seem like she had.

  Ellie watched silently as Jack pulled his clothes back on. She tried not to cry when he walked over to her and leaned into her. She tried not to press into his touch when he ran his fingers down her face. She heard him set something down on the table next to her but didn’t look away from brilliant blue eyes that had lost their light.

  “Good-bye Jack.” She croaked out, unable to draw a full breath.

  “One day you’ll realize I didn’t want to hurt you and I was terrified of losing you and that’s why I didn’t say anything to you. When that moment comes, you’ll realize exactly what it means. You’ll realize exactly how deeply I love you and want you in my life. You’ve always been everything I dreamed of, Ellie, but was too afraid to reach for until now. I just wish you would have had a little more faith in me because I do deserve it.” Jack pressed a kiss to Ellie’s forehead and walked out the door, shutting it quietly behind him.

  Ellie sank down to the couch, unmoving, as the night deepened around her. She could barely breathe with the ache of loss spreading like wildfire inside her chest. The tears had stopped and she felt like she was carved from stone. When she finally did move, she glanced at the table to her right where Jack had placed something before leaving. Sitting there in the dark was a small jeweler’s box. The small shadow it cast was insignificant. The meaning of what it contained was enormous. Ellie knew without looking an engagement ring sat inside. This was the reason why Jack had come home happy and relaxed.

  Ellie reached out a shaking hand to the box tentatively like it was an apparition and if touched, it would disappear from her sight. She was worried it was a figment of her imagination, produced by her grief. Reassuring herself she hadn’t gone crazy, she wrapped her hand around it tightly, feeling the velvety softness of the box in her palm. A small muffled sound escaped her and then she curled into a ball on the sofa and sobbed, the unopened box clutched tightly in her hand.

  TWENTY-FIVE

  “You’ve got to be kidding me,” Ellie muttered to herself. This could not be happening to her again. She sat behind the steering wheel of her car and stared straight ahead, unseeing.

  It had been six long weeks since she had made Jack leave her home. Six weeks since Regan had arrived at her door the morning following the breakup and reamed Ellie for the way she handled the situation. At first, Ellie had been stunned and furious with Regan for her lack of support. Regan had never sided with Jack and had always encouraged Ellie to find her own happiness. This time, though, Regan had been pissed at Ellie and had a number of really disparaging comments that were all directed toward her. Ellie flinched as she recalled some of them.

  “You act like you’re perfect Ellie!” Regan yelled at her. “I seem to recall you getting yourself knocked up and then purposefully avoiding Jack. You used him like a stud for hire with no thought to his feelings. And did he ever say a thing to you about how you broke his trust? Hell no!”

  Ellie felt like Regan had just verbally slapped her in the face. She struggled to find words to defend herself.

  “He lied to me Regan. He never wanted kids with me. It was easy for him to pretend he did because he knew I couldn’t have them!” Ellie focused on the crux of the issue. She felt sick when she realized that Regan was right. Jack could have dismissed her from his life for her own duplicity but he hadn’t. Instead, he had forgiven her and taken care of her.

  “How the hell you do you know that? You don’t. It’s what you assume. For a man who didn’t want kids, he made sure to go out of his way to buy you the perfect home to put them in. He did everything he was supposed to do to give you the perfect life and it damn well seemed like kids were part of the plan for him.” Regan’s voice held a sneer at the end.

  “It was out of guilt!” Ellie yelled at her. “Not because he wanted kids!” Ellie felt a sliver of doubt creep in. It was true that Jack could have purchased any home he chose, but he’d focused on one that would be perfect for a family.

  “Guilt? Ellie, that man can have any woman he wants and you know it. If he had anything to feel guilty over, it would have hit him years ago, not now. And certainly not just because you miscarried his baby. He’s not going to develop a conscious out of nowhere.” Ellie looked at Regan uncertainly. “He clearly feels a hell of a lot more for you than guilt.”

  “How can I ever trust him?” She asked Regan finally. Ellie’s stomach was churning sickly. Jack had bared his soul to her. He’d told her he loved her, something she was certain he’d never said to anyone else and she’d ignored it. She’d kicked him out.

  “It’s a leap of faith for anyone Ellie. How can he now ever trust you to believe in him? You shattered any possibility of that by refusing to allow him to explain his actions to you. And when he did try to explain and he told you he loved you, you threw him out! That makes you a class-A bitch!” Ellie was regretting her decision to share the entire conversation with Regan because Regan was pulling out the big guns to make Ellie feel like shit.

  “Fuck you, Regan. Don’t hold anything back to spare my feelings.” Ellie told her sarcastically, hating herself because she knew her best friend was right. She had broken Jack’s trust as much as he had broken hers.

  “You had everything you ever wanted in your hand. Just because life didn’t go exactly the way you planned doesn’t mean it’s the end of everything. Life has hiccups Ellie. Serious fucking bumps. You’ve got to deal with them or you’ll never have what you want.” Regan’s voice was judgmental, something Ellie never heard from her best friend. Ellie suddenly wondered how her life looked to Regan. Was Ellie trying too hard for perfection? It seemed like maybe Regan thought so.

  “Do you really think I was in the wrong?” Ellie asked Regan, her voice trembling. Doubt was beating like a drum in her head. Her actions had been based on the belief that Jack didn’t really want a family, that he was pacifying her own desires. What if she was wrong about Jack’s feelings? And if Jack was just pacifying her, there was a reason behind it. He wasn’t the type of guy to care how other people felt unless they meant som
ething to him. Ellie groaned out loud.

  “I do.” Regan responded firmly. “Did you have the right to be upset with him? Definitely. But to refuse to let Jack explain and to cut off your entire relationship because of your assumptions is just wrong Ellie. If I didn’t have complete confidence in our friendship, your actions would make me question how you would treat me if something really serious came between us. Would you just cut me off too?” Regan’s words wounded Ellie as they were meant to. Ellie had just automatically thought the worst of Jack. She hadn’t listened to Jack at all, hadn’t believed anything he said to her. And she knew with sickening clarity she was in the wrong.

  Since the harsh conversation with Regan, Ellie had accepted the knowledge that Jack did love her. He’d loved her enough to buy a home with her. He’d been uncharacteristically patient with her and searched until they found exactly the right one. He’d loved her enough to compromise with her, even when his money could have purchased any home he wanted. He loved her enough that he planned to propose to her. He loved her so much he was terrified of what would happen if he lost her. He’d thought if he couldn’t give her babies she wouldn’t want him. Ellie’s heart ached at the thought of Jack thinking she didn’t love him enough to have a relationship with him on his own merits. Unfortunately, her actions six weeks ago confirmed every one of his fears and Ellie wasn’t certain how she could repair the damage she’d caused.

  Ellie had long since stopped being angry at Jack over what he had hidden from her. Instead, she had become angry at herself for not fighting harder to understand why he’d acted the way he had. She had never even once been prepared to hear his side of the story. Her actions that night were unbelievably selfish and immature and she hated herself for them. He had laid himself bare to her and she had pushed him away. She had nobody to blame for this crappy situation but herself and the more she thought about it, the more she realized Jack had consistently been there at the ready to commit to her. Every move he made once he’d taken her home from the hospital had been for her benefit. For their benefit as a couple. She knew she had made a grievous mistake in sending him away and she needed to fix it. She wasn’t going to risk their future by continuing to be stubborn and stupid. She hoped to God Jack felt the same way he had six weeks ago, because Ellie was determined to set the situation right. It was time for her to go home.

  Ellie knew there was the distinct possibility that she was going to be walking into a really uncomfortable situation. She had no idea what condition she would find Jack in, or what kind of reception she would get from him. He had kissed her on the way out six weeks ago, but had he grown bitter towards her since then? Had he taken out his grief in other ways? She resolved to herself that if there had been other women in the last six weeks they didn’t matter because it was Jack’s way of coping with losing her. She wouldn’t fault him for coping in the only way he knew how.

  She fully acknowledged the situation she found herself in was ultimately her fault for rejecting him when she shouldn’t have. Hell, if he wanted to pay her back by screwing half of San Diego, she guessed that was his right even though the idea of it made her completely nauseated. She just hoped Jack still loved her and would be open to her groveling at his feet because she couldn’t stand to live another moment of her life without having him in it.

  TWENTY-SIX

  “Fuck me!” Jack said and shoved his hands through his hair, making the wild spikes shred apart. He had no idea it would take Ellie this long to get over being angry at him. He wasn’t stupid. He knew she would need time to process through everything and even though it killed him, he had been resolved to give Ellie the time she needed. He hated being apart from her and he was impatient to see her again. His body craved being close to her and he felt like an addict separated from his drug.

  Jack paced around the living room of the home he’d purchased with Ellie for their life together. He growled in frustration. He was going absolutely fucking crazy without her and he didn’t know how much longer he could last without sitting Ellie down and making her listen to reason. It had been six weeks since she had kicked him out of her condo and he missed her more than he ever thought possible. He was done letting her work through this on her own, dammit!

  “Dude, you’ve got to chill the fuck out!” Brent said from behind him. Wise counsel if he’d ever heard it, but Jack didn’t think he would be able to calm down. He and the band had just come from a photo shoot to promote their upcoming album. Thanks to the recording he’d done while angsting over her infertility and their subsequent split, Destruction had a new album that was nearly ready to be released.

  Without arrogance, Jack knew this was their best album to date. It included the broadest range of songs they’d ever put together and some of the pieces were just pure fucking genius. Jack was pretty sure that their album would reach a broader base of people than ever before because this time Jack had written words of love and loss and of the hope for second chances. None of their previous work had ever had any happy endings and this music, while not exactly uplifting, definitely had themes of hope and love. Jack lifted burning blue eyes to Brent and sighed heavily.

  “I’m trying man! I just didn’t think it would take Ellie this long to come around. And now the label is talking about sending us on a promo tour for the new album! What if Ellie still hasn’t come around by the time we leave? How will she know where to reach me?” Jack was almost frantic. His words were panicked and borne from a man who was desperate to reconnect with his woman. He was aware the way he felt about Ellie and his desperation to make their relationship work was completely at odds with the image he presented to the world. He had gone all out for their photo shoot, wearing a tight V-neck shirt and vest with many of his tats visible. His jeans were snug and ripped. All his piercings were in, his inky hair in spikes. Leather studded cuffs were at his wrists, chains at his waist and big heavy boots on his feet. It was the image that his fans ate up and one he normally excelled at because he was that man. And today, he was that man with a heart aching for his woman.

  “She’ll find you, Jack. You’ve got to have faith in her because, if you don’t? Your relationship is doomed to shit.” Brent’s quiet voice calmed Jack somewhat. “You know she had a ton of crap to work through. You had weeks to digest the fact that she wasn’t going to be a little mama. She had, like, a few hours. She’s loved you forever, man. This latest thing isn’t going to kill that for her. Trust me.” Jack sometimes hated the fact that Brent was always the reasonable one in the band.

  “Listen to you all John Tesh handing out advice!” Jack told Brent with a sneer in his voice. Jack was mildly angry that Brent wasn’t more riled up on his behalf. How good of a friend was Brent if he couldn’t even get just a little worked up over Ellie’s continued desertion?

  “Man, fuck you!” Brent slapped him on the back and walked toward the front. “Dude, I’m out. I’ll catch you soon.” Jack nodded his head and sat on the couch with his head in his hands feeling like a complete ass. Brent had never been anything but good to him. He was always ready with a helping word of advice to make sure Jack hadn’t gone off the deep end with whatever he was doing with Ellie. Brent was just trying to give out what Jack knew to be solid advice and Jack was giving him crap back for it. It was just another reason for him to feel like shit and he sighed heavily. Life had gotten way beyond his control. When he heard the front door open and close again, he didn’t bother raising his head.

  “Did you forget something asshole?” He asked, the snap gone from his voice. He was pretty sure he sounded like a tired old man.

  “That’s a name you haven’t called me before.” Jack stood quickly at the sound of Ellie’s soft voice and looked at the woman standing there in front of him. His eyes hungrily took in the changes to her appearance. Her hair had been cut severely short. Instead of hitting her mid-shoulder, it was now up around her ears. It made her eyes stand out and Jack couldn’t look away from their odd grey green color. She was more beautiful than he had e
ver seen her and his heart ached. He glanced over her again, noting she looked like she had dropped a good ten pounds that she really didn’t have to lose. Jack knew instinctively that her weight loss was from their fucked up situation and wished things were different.

  “I thought you were Brent.” He told her stupidly. His eyes ran over her again as she took a step closer. “He was John Teshing it up before he left, like he has a counseling degree or some shit.” Jack told her. He was proud of the fact that his voice sounded relatively normal because his gut was tight and his palms were sweating. He was trying so hard to be casual because he had no idea why Ellie had suddenly decided to visit. He was worried she was there to give him some sort of verbal bashing but he was determined he wouldn’t be selfish and demand anything of her. He would just wait for her to say whatever it was she needed to say, even if it killed him. And once she was done, he would make her understand that her place was with him for the rest of their lives.

  “I ran into him out front. He said you were in a ‘mood’ but he told me to just come on in. I hope that’s okay?” The hesitancy in Ellie’s voice slayed him, as did the fact that she needed to ask if she was invited into their home. She might not have ever lived there, but to him it was no less hers. Everywhere he looked, he was reminded of her and he wanted her to feel comfortable there.

  “Of course you can!” Jack told Ellie gruffly. “God. This is supposed to be your home too, only, you know, it’s just me here right now.” Jack told her. He shook his head at his lack of conversational mastery. He ran his hands through his hair again, his heart pounding. Who knew he would lose the ability to make any sort of rational sense at the very sight of her? Apparently having Ellie in their home after six weeks apart was really throwing him off his game. His heart pounded uncomfortably in his chest. He really didn’t want to screw this up. He watched impatiently as Ellie wandered around the massive living room and ran her hands over the cushions on the couch. She wasn’t looking at him.