Beyond What is Given

by Rebecca Yarros

  I’d fallen in love with Grayson Masters.

  Chapter Twenty

  Grayson

  “You look good with a baby,” Miranda said from the corner armchair in Grace’s room.

  “Maybe one day.” I pulled the little pink-and-blue striped hat up a little more so it didn’t get in the baby’s eyes. Amberly Grace. It was fitting for her somehow. What would it be like to have a daughter? Would she get my stubbornness? Her mother’s spark? My gray eyes, or her mother’s hazel-green ones? God help me if she wore her skirts as short. No skirts. Ever. No boys, either. Yeah. And I’d need a better gun. Or I could park the Apache in the front yard. That would scare the fuckers off.

  Right. I was pretty well screwed if I had a girl, because if my daughter was anything like her mother, even a loaded AH-64 parked on the front lawn with Hellfires pointed at them wouldn’t keep the boys away.

  Kids with Sam?

  Holy shit, my mind ran amok.

  “Hey, earth to Grayson,” Miranda called out with a faint smile. Her hair was pulled into a messy bun, but despite the circles under her eyes, she looked beautiful. Exhausted, but beautiful.

  “You’re supposed to be in bed,” I lectured. “She’s less than a day old.”

  “I wanted Amberly to meet her aunt,” she said through a yawn.

  I swayed with Amberly, trying to focus more on the new life in front of me than the one comatose next to me. “Did you know that Owen visits her?”

  Her eyes fell away. She knew he’d been here to see Grace. “He did his time, Gray. I know he lied, and you weren’t racing, but he was eighteen, stupid, and he made a mistake.”

  “An unforgivable mistake.” I snapped each word.

  Miranda tilted her head, just like Grace used to, but the similarity between the two wasn’t as painful anymore. “Is anything really unforgivable, Gray?”

  I didn’t take the fucking keys. “Yes.”

  “I don’t think Grace would see it that way, no matter what our parents say. She would tell you to stop suffering more than you have to. She would tell you that moving on is okay. It’s healthy, and you need it. She would tell you that your new life, flight school, this new girlfriend of yours…they all look really good on you.”

  Girlfriend? Yes, Sam was my girlfriend. Is that what I had done? Moved on?

  “Where is she anyway? Sam?” she asked.

  “How do you know—”

  “Mom and Dad. They filled me in on the epicness of dinner last night.” Her eyes started to droop, and I crossed to her, handing over an extra blanket.

  “Ahh. Yeah, that was fun. She’s actually with my mom right now. She wanted to have lunch with Sam since we’re leaving tomorrow.” I checked my watch. “If she’s survived, she should actually be getting here pretty soon.”

  Miranda didn’t respond. When I looked back, she’d fallen asleep, her head propped on the back of the chair.

  “Well, more time for you two ladies,” I whispered to Amber.

  I gently sat on the bed, facing Grace, who had been turned onto her side. Then I snuggled Amber in face to face with her. “Grace, meet Amber. Amber, meet your aunt Grace.”

  I held my arm against Amber’s back so she didn’t slip down the slight incline of the bed and let them get acquainted. If I had been a romantic idiot, I would have said that Grace focused on her niece, her eyes locked onto Amber’s. But you’re not an idiot, and you know that you just set her in Grace’s eye line.

  “What would you say, Gracie? About that girl yesterday?” I pumped some lotion into my hand and pulled some gymnastics to rub it into Grace’s dry hand while keeping Amber safe. Babies were tricky.

  I took in everything about Grace in that moment. Her slight frame, her vacant eyes. There was still love there for her, I knew it. I felt it. But it wasn’t the same as what I felt for Sam. Grace had been steady, soft, and went with the flow, always content for me to follow my path because she would choose whatever I did. And while I knew I missed her, my best friend, the ache had softened.

  “What would you tell me to do?” My heart burned because I already knew the answer. I stroked my thumb across her pale cheek. “You would tell me to be happy. You would tell me not to waste love…if that’s even what this is with Sam. It doesn’t feel the same as when I loved you, Grace. She’s fire, but the kind that burns me just right. She doesn’t take my crap, and she’s a giant pain in my ass. But when I kiss her…I can breathe. I don’t know if this makes me an asshole or not, but when I’m with Sam, everything fades away. The hurt, the loneliness, the indecision.” I rubbed a piece of her hair between my thumb and forefinger. “Even the guilt slips to the back. It’s like she’s the midday sun, and my shadows don’t just hide…they shrink. They disappear.”

  And the sex… Sam wiped away every single conscious thought when we touched. It wasn’t just a five-year dry spell. I remembered sex really well, and Sam transcended the very meaning of the word. It wasn’t like I hadn’t been offered more than my fair share, even at the Citadel where the guy-to-girl ratio was definitely in favor of the fairer sex. But Sam was the first woman I could look past Grace to really…see.

  And Sam saw me, too, got me on a level that no one else had even come close to.

  Closer than even you, Grace. I was such an asshole for even thinking it.

  Amber grunted, and then let out a shrill cry. “I’ve got her,” Miranda said, blinking awake. I placed the tiny baby into her arms. “I need to get back to my room anyway. James is bringing me dinner. Hospital food sucks.”

  “It was good to see you, Miranda.”

  She placed Amber in the clear, rolling bassinet, and then squeezed my arm. “You, too. Gray…maybe you should think about living your life for a while? Take a few months before you come back. Focus on flight school. Fly your badass helicopter. You deserve to find out what’s really out there for you when you’re not drowning yourself here.”

  “But Grace—”

  She quirked an eyebrow. “Isn’t going anywhere. And she would want you to.”

  Spend a few months away? Stay at Rucker and study? Stay at home with Sam?

  Miranda sighed, and then punched my shoulder. “Wake up. You’re not choosing one girl over the other. You’re not leaving Grace for Sam. Grace left on her own a long time ago. So choose you. Choose to live. Choose to step outside the storm you’ve been given and soak up your sun.”

  I blinked. “You were listening.”

  She smiled and gave a pat to the shoulder she’d hit. “I’ve been worried about you for so long. Always here, drowning. But now? I’m not. You’re going to be okay. Be happy. Be with Sam. You deserve this.” She’d almost pushed Amber to the hallway before she turned back to me. “I’ve known you since you were born, which means I have a pretty good grip on who you are, and your next argument is going to be that it’s not fair to Sam, right? That she deserves someone whose heart isn’t split?”

  I opened my mouth, and then closed it. She was right.

  “You’re not split, Gray. Listen to what you just told Grace. You loved her.”

  My eyes narrowed. “Right. I’ve loved her since we were kids.”

  “True, but you’re not in love with her anymore.” She glanced back at Grace with a sad smile, then back to me. “You used the past tense when you told Grace just now, and I bet you don’t even realize it, but your subconscious does. She’s your past, and she always will be. Sam is your future for as long as you’re capable of holding on to her with that broody Heathcliff thing you have going on.”

  Broody? “Thanks, Miranda.”

  “I don’t want to see you until October, Gray.” Her face twisted, and I laughed. “What?”

  “You’ve been a mom less than twenty-four hours and you’ve already mastered the look.” I smiled, and it felt…good.

  “I’m only letting you get away with that because I haven’t heard you laugh in years. October, Grayson Masters. I’m serious.”

  She left, and I pulled out my cell phone.
>
  Grayson: Where are you?

  Samantha: Miss me already?

  Grayson: The minute I left you.

  Samantha: Wow. Think you’re getting lucky again or something?

  Grayson: I KNOW I am.

  Samantha: LOL. You’re probably right. Mia just dropped me off.

  I took the elevator and headed to the lobby, where Sam was coming in, biting into a chocolate chip cookie. Her smile was instant, and mine came easily.

  She made everything easier.

  “Hey, flyboy.” She came up on her toes and kissed me. I licked the stray chocolate off her lower lip and then forced myself to let her mouth go. Pretty sure she didn’t want me pulling her into the first empty exam room. I could’ve shut the door, pulled down those shorts that barely covered her anyway, and put my tongue on her like I’d been fantasizing about for months. I’d skipped that last night, too desperate to finally be inside her. Get a grip, you’re in the middle of the hospital.

  Damn. I thought having sex might slake that fire for her, but instead it fueled it. Now I wasn’t guessing how she felt—I knew, and she was better than I’d ever dreamed.

  Shit, we needed to get out of here. “You ready to go?” I asked.

  “Ready to see the sights! Your mom said there’s a great lighthouse nearby.”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to leave you alone with her, but she was pretty adamant.”

  “She was fine, I swear. Mostly asked questions, didn’t really divulge your sordid past.” She poked me. “I did get a peek at your yearbook…”

  I groaned, and it wasn’t because we’d walked out into the afternoon sun.

  “You were cute!” She giggled, dropping her sunglasses over her eyes.

  “Are you seriously laughing at me?” I grabbed for her, but she darted ahead.

  “I almost didn’t recognize you,” she said as she walked backward.

  “Well, I weighed about a hundred-and-sixty pounds soaking wet.”

  “Like I said, you were cute.” She backed into the hood of the Mustang and braced her hands on either side of her.

  I swallowed, my throat thick at the picture in front of me. Sam’s legs stretched out in front of her, impossibly long under shorts that begged my fingers to explore the hem…and under. She wore a grin I couldn’t wait to kiss off, and her button-up shirt had come undone enough to hint at the curves I knew lay beneath. Leaned up against my car, she was the hottest girl I’d ever seen. Holy shit, I get to touch her.

  She must have seen the change in my mood, because her smile disappeared and her lips parted as I cupped her face in one hand and her ass in the other. “Still cute?”

  “Maybe. I’ll let you know when the verdict is in.” She pushed her sunglasses to the top of her head.

  Damn. The girl had to push my buttons. She wet her bottom lip with the tip of a very pink tongue, and I pounced. Within a few strokes of that tongue, she made me forget we were in the middle of the parking lot. Hell, she made me forget my name.

  I kissed her until she whimpered, which nearly broke me, sending images through my head of bending her over the hood, or having her straddle me in the driver’s seat.

  “I’m going to fuck you in the parking lot if we don’t stop,” I growled against her mouth. “Your shorts are sexy as hell.”

  She laughed in response. “What happened to that legendary self-control you’re so famous for?”

  “Overrated.”

  “Well, I really don’t think getting arrested for indecent exposure would help your career, so maybe we should skip the sights and get back to the beach house.”

  I kissed her once more before I let her go, just because I could. “Now look who has the self-control.”

  The last button on my shirt slid home, and I rolled the sleeves past my elbow. A pair of cargo shorts, and I was good to go. The sun was setting, which meant the fireworks would start soon.

  Sam had already gotten dressed, if the discarded shorts and shirt on the floor were any clue. I picked them up and tossed them into the laundry bag, shaking my head. It wasn’t like I could be mad. I’d learned a long time ago that people didn’t really change. You either accepted them complete with their faults, or you had to let them go.

  Sam was messy. If that was her biggest fault, I was pretty damn lucky.

  I headed down the stairs and passed the second floor before I heard his voice, and Sam’s escalating response. “If he wants me to know something, he’s going to tell me himself, and you can’t assume because he had one tragic car accident that he’s going to fail at being a pilot.”

  Shit. Why couldn’t Dad butt the hell out? He always had in the past.

  “And if you care anything about his life, you’ll listen to me. He’s dangerous up there.” Dad’s voice boomed from the living room.

  I upped my pace, jumping the last step.

  “I’ve flown with Grayson for the last year, and he’s anything but dangerous. His reflexes are unparalleled, and he aces every test. He works his ass off, which is something you should be proud of.”

  Great, now Jagger was defending me. How long until Dad opened his mouth?

  “Written or oral?” Dad tossed back.

  “Both,” I answered before he could fuck my career. I came up behind Sam to wrap my arms around her waist. She sagged against me, and I nodded to Parker, who stood with her arms crossed next to Dad. “And you’re done harassing my girlfriend.”

  Sam stiffened.

  “Girlfriend?” Parker choked out.

  “Girlfriend,” I assured her.

  She shook her head. “Whatever. Look, we’re only here because you didn’t show up at the Bowdens’ for the barbecue and you weren’t answering texts.”

  My eyes narrowed. “I was in the shower, my phone is upstairs, and we’re not going.”

  “But it’s tradition.” She looked at me like I’d grown two heads.

  “How about I take everyone down to the beach for the fireworks,” Jagger offered, giving me a hard pat on the back. “Family can be a bitch,” he added quietly.

  “You would know,” I replied.

  Sam turned in my arms. “I’m going to head down with them. Unless you need me?” Her voice was laced with concern.

  “No, I’ve got this. I’ll meet you in a few.” I kissed the soft skin of her forehead, inhaling sanity and relief that she was escaping. She didn’t deserve the fight I knew was coming. She gave me a reassuring smile and squeezed my hands as she took off after Jagger.

  A few moments later, the door shut and the house was ours for the yelling. My stare wavered between Parker and Dad, unsure of who I wanted to start with.

  “Girlfriend?” Parker threw the first volley.

  “Yes, Parker. I have a girlfriend. She’s Sam, and I’m happy for the first time in years. Is that so awful? Are you so against me being happy?”

  Her mouth opened and closed. “But Grace—”

  “What about Grace?” I shouted. “I loved Grace. A part of me will probably always love Grace, but she’s not coming back, Parker, and she wouldn’t want me to spend my life in that hospital room with her body when her soul is already gone. If I can finally accept that, you can, too.”

  “That’s not true!” she fired back. “She’s imp—”

  “Enough.” Dad didn’t have to yell. “Parker, Gray has been through enough. He deserves to be happy. He deserves to be loved. I’m pretty sure that staying faithful to Grace for the last five years earns him sainthood. You do not get to encroach on his character, or the character of that lovely young woman because you have some idealistic fantasy in your head.”

  Holy shit, it was nice to see my dad again.

  “Dad,” Parker pleaded, and my head drifted to the side.

  “Why is this so important to you, Parker?” I asked, struggling to keep level.

  She blinked back tears, and my heart sank. “It’s always been you two, you know? Growing up, getting through school. Grayson and Grace. You two made me believe in the idea of
soul mates and…love. And then that night happened…”

  Grace’s screams, the impact, the utter horror seeing her underwater when I came to—it all flooded me. I closed my eyes and took a shaky breath. Sam. I held on to her green eyes, the feel of her in my arms, the way she set me on fire and filled me with peace all at the same time. Then I opened my eyes.

  “It was tragic, losing Grace. But, do you want me to die with her?”

  She looked away. “No.”

  “Then you have to let me live. And Sam, whether or not you like her, makes me feel more alive than I ever have. I love you, Parker. I do. But I can’t let you sabotage the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

  “So you’re not coming tonight?”

  “Give it up, Parker, and go wait for me in the car,” Dad instructed.

  She hugged me, and I held onto her for a second longer than normal. “Don’t give up on Grace. Be happy, be with Sam, but don’t give up.”

  “I won’t ever give up on Grace, and I’ll still be here when I’m needed.” She nodded and headed for the door. “Parker.”

  “Yeah?”

  “I won’t give up on you, either. No matter what.”

  She nodded and shut the door behind her.

  “I’m not going to be as easy to get rid of,” Dad started in.

  “Yes, you are. You have absolutely no right to mess around with my career. None, Dad. I have earned everything I’ve accomplished, and proven myself. I’m a damn good pilot.”

  “You can’t do this. I won’t allow it.”

  “I’m not five anymore.”

  “You are still my son!” he shouted. “God, Grayson. I love you. Is that so hard to understand? I want you safe, and you’re intent on killing yourself.”

  “Is that what you think? That I want to die?”

  “Whether or not you want to, you’re going to. If you can’t respect your own limits, how can you respect that helicopter?” He crossed his arms.

  The set of his jaw, the flex of his arms as he held himself in check—he was me. I was him. And there was no winning this argument. “We’re going to have to agree to disagree. I’m currently the top pilot in my class, which isn’t exactly a small feat. You can choose to trust me for once in my life, or you cannot. I didn’t tell you for a reason. You will not convince me to hand in my wings before I even get them.”