Beyond What is Given

by Rebecca Yarros

  Shit. She’s right. “You’re right. God, Sam. You’re right. I should have stopped her when she laid across my lap while I read to her. I should have told her about us right then.”

  “I shouldn’t have asked you to wait,” she said, then pressed her lips together as more tears fell.

  “We both made mistakes, and we handled this all wrong. Let me get her back to North Carolina, and we’ll figure this out between us.”

  She shook her head. “There’s no us. We’re done.”

  My breath rushed like I’d been punched. It hurt. Fuck, did it hurt. I blinked, half expecting to see Sam holding my ripped-out heart in her hand.

  “I didn’t kiss her!”

  “I believe you.”

  My mouth opened and closed a couple times, unable to find the words. “Then what the hell are you doing?”

  “Just because you didn’t kiss her today doesn’t mean it won’t happen. I’ve sat here for three days and watched you with her. You guys touch each other without noticing. Yesterday at dinner, she drank your sweet tea when hers was gone. You didn’t blink, just took a sip and put it back next to her plate!”

  I tried to breathe. “I guess I fell into old habits.”

  “And how long until you fall back into the habit of sleeping with her? You’ve loved her your whole life, you told me so.”

  “I wouldn’t sleep with her. That would never happen.” I reached for Sam, and she stepped back, bumping into her dresser.

  “Well, this morning I would have said that you’d never kiss her, either. And last week, I would have said that she wouldn’t be sleeping in your bed. Do you not see the progression? How stupid do I have to be to stay and watch this happen? Do I need to wait until you accidentally put a ring on her finger?” She let loose a self-deprecating laugh that I instantly loathed. “Then again, with my track record, a ring probably wouldn’t stop me. I’d still let you fuck me while your wife slept across the hall and you snuck out at sunrise.”

  “Sam…”

  “Because that’s what you do to me. How crazy I am for you—how much I love you. I would sacrifice everything about myself to have those moments with you. I know because I’m already doing it. And I’m worth so much more than that!” She sobbed the last sentence, and I died a little more.

  “You are worth everything.”

  She shook her head. “But you can’t give me everything. There will always be a part of you that belongs to her.”

  “That’s not true. You have me.” If anything, the last few days had only made that clearer.

  “Oh my God, look at your life! Everything you’ve done has been for her. The constant flights home. This driving need you have to be top of the OML so you get your first-choice duty station. Fighting for North Carolina so you can be closer to her. I grew up in the army, Grayson, and I know that there’s not that many people requesting North Carolina, but you’re killing yourself on the off-chance you have to beat someone out. All. For. Her. There’s no room for me.”

  “How can there be room, when you have one foot out the door at all times?” I fired back.

  “Would you stay? Just waiting to be broken down little by little? Watch your heart shrivel and die when you see phone calls, and text messages, and accidental kisses?”

  “For you, I would endure hell.” Fire. Damnation. All of it. Without question.

  “Grayson, I love you too much to ever ask you to, and therein lies the difference.”

  My hands ripped over my hair, desperate for a grip on anything at this point. “Do not do this. Do not leave me. I will get on my knees if that’s what you need, but don’t give up on us.”

  “Give me one good reason.”

  “Because I fucking love you!” The words carried through the room, the hallway, the house, my whole soul. “I’m in love with you, Samantha. You own me, body, heart, mind, soul, whatever there is to give, it’s yours.”

  Her shoulders sagged, but instead of looking relieved at my confession, she looked defeated. “I waited so long for that,” she whispered.

  “I should have told you sooner.” I gambled and stepped closer, bringing my hand to her soft, wet cheek, and used my thumb to brush away a new trail of tears.

  “Sooner? How long have you known?”

  “Since you stood up and yelled at my family that night at my parents’.” I smiled at the memory. “I’ve never had anyone defend me.”

  “Why did you wait so long?” Her eyes lit with a sliver of hope.

  “At first because I didn’t recognize the emotion. It was so much stronger than anything I’d ever felt, and it scared me. But then Grace woke up…and I knew I couldn’t say those words to you without having my shit straight. You deserved someone who had everything together in his head, who knew his path.” The hope in her eyes died. “What? What did I say?”

  “You didn’t know who you would choose. Grace…or me.” She pulled back, and I lost my hold on her.

  “I never said that.”

  “You didn’t have to, and I don’t blame you. I don’t blame you for any of this, Grayson. You are amazing. Strong, tender, smart, kind, and just enough of an ass to dish back my crap at me. You are everything I needed, and you saved me when I was pretty sure I wasn’t salvageable. I won’t stand between you and your miracle.”

  “What?”

  “I know you love her. I know what losing her the first time did to you, and I won’t be the person responsible for it happening twice. You kissing her may have been an accident, but crap like that doesn’t happen without underlying emotions. And you saying you love me minutes after I find her in your arms? Love doesn’t work like that.”

  “Sam, don’t do this.”

  “It’s already done, Grayson. I fell in love with you, and your lost love came back to life in this honest miracle. How could I possibly say that I love you and not do what’s clearly best for you?”

  “It’s not already done, your stuff is all still here. I’m here. You’re here.”

  “Grayson!” Parker yelled up. “It’s time to leave for the airport!”

  “Have Josh take you!” I shouted.

  “Seriously?” she said from the doorway. “You’re not going to take us yourself?” She took in the scene and backed up. “Whoa. I guess you finally saw it, didn’t you? His future?” she asked the question softly, without the usual Parker bite.

  “Get the hell out, Parker.”

  “Just take them,” Sam pled.

  “I’ll wait downstairs,” Parker said as she retreated.

  “This conversation isn’t done.”

  We stood in stalemate, and Sam swatted away her tears. “It’s better this way. You’re graduating in December, going to North Carolina. I’m not. What’s the point of suffering like this for a few more months when we both know it’s coming to an end, anyway. Isn’t this better? Make a clean break now, and you can have Grace. You can be happy.”

  I took her face in my hands again. “I don’t want Grace. I want you.”

  “I already waited too long. I can’t afford to fall apart any more than I already have.”

  Panic took hold, threatening to close my throat. “I told you I will always catch you.”

  “But you didn’t. Not this time.” Another tear slipped unnoticed down her cheek.

  “We’re not at the bottom yet, Samantha. Have a little faith.” I kissed her, putting every ounce of love I had in me into it, drinking in the perfection of her mouth against mine. “You were made for me. This, right here? This is everything.” She parted her lips, and I slipped inside, melding us together in the only way I could. Our bodies had always communicated better, so I let them. She melted into me, and I almost fist-pumped. Instead, I kissed her harder, deeper, committing myself to her whether or not she wanted me to, and she gave back everything I knew she was, sweetness, passion, completion.

  I broke away first, and then kissed her one last time because she looked too damn kissable. “Stop packing. We’ll figure this out when I get home.”


  She shook her head. “I love you, Grayson Masters.”

  As she stepped back, the distance between us suddenly felt like a canyon. “I’ll always love you, Sam.” She needed the reassurance, I got that.

  “I know. But can you honestly tell me that you’ll never love her again? Can you know that?”

  I blinked, and my mouth wouldn’t work. I knew the right answer, but it wouldn’t come out. Love Grace again? I’d never stopped, but it wasn’t the same as what I felt for Sam. The two couldn’t be compared. “That’s not fair.”

  “Because you can’t say no, and I can’t blame you.” Sam’s posture drooped.

  “Grayson!” Parker yelled.

  “But I can’t stay. Second place isn’t good enough, not anymore.”

  My throat threatened to close. “Wait, and we’ll talk when I’m back. Just wait.”

  She flattened her lips and nodded. “It’s not like I can pack out of here in an hour, anyway.”

  “Stop packing and wait. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” I moved forward quickly, pressed a kiss to her forehead, and whispered, “I’m in love with you, just trust me.” She didn’t answer, and I didn’t wait.

  Grace and Parker were both silent all the way to the airport, but I didn’t care much. My head was too full of Sam, of what I could say or do to bring us to solid ground. At least the door was open.

  I lifted Grace into her wheelchair, got them checked in, and then brought them to security at the small airport.

  “You good to go?” I asked.

  Parker nodded and then stood to the side so I could say good-bye to Grace. “I love seeing you, but I might need some time.”

  “You’re in love with her. Sam?” Tears filled her eyes.

  “Yes. And I’m sorry it hurts you. For the last five years, I’ve been waiting, and I thought it was for you to wake up, to finally be together, but the more I think about it, I was always waiting for her to wake me up. I can’t live without her.”

  She nodded and gave me a watery smile. “I understand. I only want you to be happy, Gray. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

  I crouched down to her eye level. “I know. You’re my starboard, my right hand. But she’s my squall, this crazy storm that I never saw coming. I can’t let her go. I have to buckle up, hold on, and steer where she’s headed, because nothing else could compare after loving her.”

  She squeezed my hand. “She’s lucky. You both are. I’ll always be your friend, and I’ll always be here. Bye, Gray.”

  “Bye, Grace.”

  I left them at the airport and raced home, breaking every speed limit from Dothan to Enterprise. We were in the open, everything behind us. We could make this work. I pulled into the driveway and barely had the engine killed before I was out and running for the front door. It swung open before me, and I raced up the stairs. “Sam, I’m home!” I called out and knocked on her closed door.

  “Sam?” I knocked again, and then opened it slowly.

  Fuck. No. No. No.

  I lost the ability to breathe, my lungs searching for air that simply wasn’t there.

  Her room was empty, furniture and all. I laced my fingers on my head and walked a small circle in the room. I’d only been gone two-and-a-half hours. That was it. But she’d erased herself completely, like she’d never been here at all.

  But my pulverized heart wore the scars that proved she had been.

  She’d given up. Left. Didn’t trust me to love her.

  How the hell could I fight for someone who had no faith in me?

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Sam

  “There you are, you vampire,” Avery said as I walked into the gym.

  “Hey, yourself,” I replied, and plopped my bag on the desk.

  It was a fitting description really, since I felt like the living dead. In the three days since I’d left Grayson, Maggie had been nice enough to move my shift to nights, when I knew from Jagger that Grayson was flying.

  So what if my schedule revolved around his? At least it meant that I had no chance of running into him, which was exactly what I needed. It also helped that Paisley hadn’t told him that I’d taken over her room and now lived with Morgan. Not that he’d asked. Or texted. Or called. Or…anything.

  “What brings you out during daylight hours? Connor is on shift right now.” She didn’t bother taking her eyes off Grady as he worked on his lats.

  “Your mom needed help with the schedule.” Of course I’d said yes, then waited until after six thirty p.m. to come in.

  “Mmmm,” she replied.

  “How’s your homework?” I waited for her to respond, then bopped her on the head with a pencil when it became obvious that she wasn’t going to. “Avery. Homework.”

  “Ow!” She rubbed her head and finally looked over at me. “Whoa. You look…um.”

  I raised an eyebrow at her.

  “Swollen?” she answered with a smile.

  That’s what happens when you can’t quit crying for three days. “Rough few days. Enough about me, what’s going on with homecoming?”

  Her eyes flew toward the machines again. “Nothing.”

  “Does he have a date yet?”

  She shook her head, tucking her hair behind her ear. “I don’t know why I’m holding out hope, really. I’m just like…his office supply store.”

  “You don’t know that,” I said. “You’re beautiful and smart. Grady would be lucky to have you as a date.”

  “Sure, if he liked dating the bottom of the social food chain.” She tapped her pencil on her trig book and sighed.

  I couldn’t hide my smile.

  “What? You think this is funny? This is my life.” Her forehead hit the book.

  Oh, to be seventeen. “One, stop being so dramatic. I was thinking that you remind me of my best friend. She had this thing for this ultra-popular hockey player when she was a sophomore. He was a senior so she thought she didn’t have a chance. She didn’t do anything about it, and he went off to college.”

  She rotated so her cheek lay against the book. “That’s the most depressing story ever, but thank you.”

  “Not really. Turns out he’d had a thing for her all along.”

  She sat up and leaned in. “Really? What happened?”

  “They met up again when they were in college, and they’re madly in love. Like off-the-charts kind of love. They’ve been together over a year now.”

  Her gaze flickered toward Grady.

  “See, it’s possible, so don’t be so hard on yourself. Stop letting where you think you rank, or anyone’s opinion define you. You’ll be a hell of a lot happier once you do.” I sorted the mail and started to work on the next week’s schedule.

  “What, like you’re happy?” she fired back, working on the next problem.

  “With who I am? Not yet, but I’m realizing that I might not ever be. I am a glorious work in progress, Avery. Stand back, I may spontaneously combust at any moment.” I winked at her.

  “And the tears?”

  I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Yeah, well…sometimes love is just…complicated.”

  She glanced at Grady and let out a dramatic sigh. “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

  I hid my smile a little better as I turned on the computer to fire up Excel. “Hey, have you had any luck on our computer problem?”

  Her eyes lit up. “They’re all looped, each one responsible for the other, so I just need to find the one origin email that began the chain. But I can tell you that they all originated in Colorado.”

  Fucking Harrison. “Thanks, Avery. I really appreciate it.”

  She shrugged with an impish grin. “I like doing it.”

  A weight clanged to the ground, and Grady bounced on one foot. “You okay?” I called out.

  “Grady, you all right?” Avery said at the same moment.

  He turned scarlet and picked up the small dumbbell. “Yeah, all good.”

  I didn’t miss the way his eyes dropped away fr
om Avery when he picked up the weight. Interesting. He quickly retreated to the locker room.

  I finished the next month’s schedule quickly and printed it as Grady walked out of the locker room, his black backpack slung over his shoulder. “Is that the same backpack he uses for school?”

  “Yep,” she popped the P. “He brings it to every class.”

  “Okay, well, I’m done here. You good with your homework?” I stood in a hurry.

  “Yeah, I think I’m getting it.”

  “Sounds good!” I said and nearly ran to the front entrance, throwing open the glass door with more energy than I’d had in the last four days.

  Grady stood two cars over, digging through his backpack, muttering about his car keys. Perfect. I snuck over, quiet as I could be, until I was only a foot away from his back.

  “Hiya, Grady!” I squeaked.

  He jumped, losing the grip on his backpack. It hit the pavement, spilling open. Dozens of pencils rolled under the car.

  “Oh, I’m so sorry! Let me help you with these.” I picked up all the pencils but pocketed one without him noticing. “You like pencils, huh?”

  “No problem, Miss Samantha. And…uh…yeah.” He stood, his face flushed, and damn-near raced to get in his car.

  Once he had peeled out of the parking lot, I skipped back into the gym. “What are you doing back?” Avery asked.

  I leaned over the front of the counter and grabbed the fine-tip permanent marker. A few seconds later, I’d scribed the word Homecoming? along the shaft. “Give this to him when he asks for a pencil tomorrow.”

  She took the pencil and scoffed. “Yeah, right.”

  “Woman to woman, trust me. You’re not his office supply store.”

  A faint hope sparked in her eyes, and I smiled. First love was so freeing, like the first wing beats of a baby bird on its fall from the nest.

  It was the messy, quasi-adult kind of love that plucked your feathers until you fell from the sky.

  I headed out, this time grabbing my keys, and nearly ran into Josh as he opened the door. “Hey!”

  “Hey, Sam.” He assessed me, no doubt looking for the tell-tale signs of heartache like puffy eyes, dark circles, generally unkempt hair. I was rocking all three. “You been okay?”