Beyond What is Given

by Rebecca Yarros

  I nodded. No. “Yeah, of course. Morgan is actually a ton of fun. Thank you for getting me out of there so quickly the other day. I didn’t know you could move furniture that fast.”

  “I’m a man of many talents.”

  “So I’ve heard.” I smacked myself in the forehead. “That was so wildly inappropriate. I’m sorry.”

  He laughed. “I’ll be sure to tell Ember.” His smile fell. “Seriously though. You’re okay?”

  My smile fell. “How is he?”

  “He’s got a wall up.”

  “Go figure. It’s not like I expected him to break out the ice cream and pour his heart out to you guys.”

  “Yeah, I don’t see that happening. Ever.”

  “He hasn’t guessed I’m at Paisley’s, so there’s that. Not that I’m hiding from him, but I don’t think I could handle seeing him. Not yet.”

  Josh rubbed his hand along my arm. “Sam, he knows. Jagger told him. It was in the same conversation that he called him an idiot, stubborn, stupid, and an asshole.”

  “Oh. He knows? But he hasn’t…” Tried to see me.

  Josh swallowed. “Yeah. He said something about no fight without faith, and then went for a run. A ten-mile run. In the rain.”

  I forced a smile to keep from crying. “Well, I guess that settles that.”

  “Sam—”

  I stepped around him, craving the solitude of my car. “Don’t worry, Josh. It’s what I wanted. What I asked for.” It just feels like shit. “I’ll catch you later.”

  I didn’t break down until I was behind the wheel.

  Have a little faith in me. That hurt. How could he think I didn’t?

  I had ultimate faith in him. That was the problem. He’d commit to me, and mean it. He’d stay by my side with unwavering loyalty…while his heart died a slow, painful death pining for his miracle.

  I’d never stand by and watch that happen.

  He deserved better. So did I.

  The ocean breeze ruffled the spiral curls I’d worn my hair in today as I leaned against my car, staring at the pier I needed to be on in exactly ten minutes.

  He said yes! I held onto that last text Avery sent me yesterday as my happy thought. Now I just needed some fairy dust, and maybe a new heart. Yeah, that might help.

  “You going to be okay?” Ember asked as she leaned next to me.

  “Yeah. I mean, we’re here for Jagger, right? This isn’t about me.” Or my stupid broken heart.

  She looped her arm around my shoulder and rested her head against mine. “I think you’re really amazing, do you know that?”

  “You’re my best friend. You’re morally obligated to say crap like that.” But it still felt good to hear.

  “No, I’m not. Have you seen him yet?”

  I shook my head. It had been two weeks, two days, and—I checked my watch—twenty-three hours. Eleven weeks until he would graduate. “I feel numb inside. Do you think that’s going to go away?”

  “Yes,” she answered as we watched Josh carry the last of the giant boxes up onto the pier. “And I think when it does, you’ll want it back.”

  “I miss everything about him.”

  “He misses you. I’ve seen him, Sam. He’s the most stoic train wreck ever. Like…a statue of a train wreck? It’s really sad to watch.”

  “It’s really sad to live. When you pushed Josh away, I thought you were quite possibly the stupidest girl I’ve ever known. He so obviously loved you, and you him. Am I being stupid? Should I have stayed?”

  She sighed. “I don’t know. Our situations are completely different. If Josh had loved someone like that before me, and then she came back into his life?”

  “I’d cut her down for you,” I promised.

  Ember laughed. “I can do the same. I haven’t met this piece of perfection yet. I’m still allowed to hate her.”

  Grace’s face came to mind, her open smile, easy laugh…and the way she’d looked like an extension of Grayson in his arms. “I can’t even hate her, Ember. She’s lovely, and sweet, and did nothing to deserve any of this.”

  “Neither did you.” Ember lifted her head and turned to face me. “Sam, you didn’t do anything to deserve this pain. This isn’t because of what happened with Harrison. It’s not some crazy fated retribution. What you’re suffering is far beyond anything Karma could give you.”

  “I’m not so sure about that,” I said quietly.

  “Well, I am, so I can believe it enough for both of us until you do, too.”

  Josh jogged toward us, and I pulled my shit together. “Is he here yet?”

  “No. He had an errand to run or something. You going to be okay?” he asked, pulling Ember into his side. They couldn’t be in the same airspace without touching.

  “Yeah, of course. We’re here for Jagger, so let’s rock this.” I shoved the pain back deep into the box I’d kept it in for the last couple of weeks. It was safe there, contained.

  We made our way up to the pier and took our designated spots behind the railing. Each of us had one of the large crates to open when signaled. I studied mine, determined not to screw this up.

  “It’s this lever here,” a lanky girl with enormous sunglasses said, sitting beside me. “Twist there, and pull.”

  “Thanks,” I answered with a smile. There was something about the shape of the girl’s face that reminded me of someone.

  “Hi, I’m Anna Mansfield…Bateman…it’s complicated.” She flashed me a closed-lip smile and thrust her hand out to be shaken.

  “Oh wow!” I said, shaking her hand. “You’re Jagger’s sister, right? I’m Sam Fitzgerald. I’ve known him for a few years, since we used to live next door in Colorado. I have to admit, I’ve been so curious to meet you.”

  She studied me from behind the glasses. “Well, I’m Jagger’s twin, and I’m only here as a weekend pass from rehab. I’m a big fan of drugs, but they are not such a fan of me, it turns out.” She sighed. “Sorry, it’s easier to say it than have people whisper your dirty little secrets, you know?”

  I didn’t bat an eye. “I slept with my professor, found out he was married, clocked him in front of a crowd, and was expelled from my university.”

  “Did it feel good to hit him?”

  “Yes.”

  She laughed. “I like you.”

  “Likewise,” I answered.

  “They’re here!” Josh stage-whispered and we all hit the deck, leaning our backs against the railing.

  “Ember, Mrs. Donovan, you’re on the banner, right?”

  “Joshua Walker, we’ve gone over this fifteen times. I know when to release it. Mrs. Donovan knows when to release it. I swear, you’d think you were the one proposing.” She pursed her lips at him.

  “Was that an invitation? Because I’d marry you so hard.” He smiled at her, and she laughed.

  “Pay attention to your birds,” she chastised, but flashed him a grin.

  I looked at the lever in front of me. “Lift and pull,” I repeated, fingering the latch.

  “It’s this one here. Slide it over, then lift up and pull it out.” His voice washed over me, and my chest burned, trying to keep a lid on that damned box of feelings.

  Slowly, I raised my eyes past his light-blue board shorts and tight white tee with Masters & Son emblazoned on the front until I reached his eyes. My breath abandoned me.

  “Can you do it?” he asked softly, despite the hardest expression I’d ever seen on his face. It was like he’d been carved out of stone, each line stiff, unyielding. But his eyes locked on to mine, and he was there, my Grayson. Lightning arced between us as if he’d touched me. God, I needed him to touch me. Kiss me. Remind me why love was worth the gamble even when the outcome had already been determined. My lips parted, and his gazed dropped to them and then lifted to my eyes. Raw hunger radiated from him, the kind that used to end with me pushed against the nearest flat surface.

  My pulse jumped, remembering his hands on me, his tongue worshiping me. The way he gasped my nam
e when I ran my lips down his stomach. My body hummed.

  “The birds,” he whispered. “Do you have the lever?”

  How the hell was he speaking? I nodded my head wordlessly, and he gave me a curt nod of his own before moving down the line.

  “Holy shit, I may need a cigarette after all that eye sex,” Anna said, fanning herself. “You two always like that?”

  “Yeah,” I sighed.

  “Is the sex that hot, too?”

  “Hotter.” I tried, but my eyes followed him without permission, thirsty for the sight of him.

  “Any hotter and the pier would have caught fire,” she murmured.

  “Ready?” Josh signaled. “Banner!”

  Ember and Mrs. Donovan unfurled the banner, and then we all stood. Jagger and Paisley were in the water beneath us, and my heart almost exploded from the love, the perfection of this moment for them.

  “She said yes!” Jagger shouted, and we erupted in cheers. I turned to the box. Slide. Lift. Pull. The doors flew open and my birds took to the sky, joining the rest of the enormous flock. The sky turned white, and I laughed, unable to suppress the sheer joy of it.

  We all walked down the pier to meet them on the beach, and my footsteps felt light, easy. The breeze kicked up my skirt, and I used both hands to hold down the soft green eyelet fabric.

  Jagger carried Paisley from the water, and as soon as her feet touched the sand, she ran to her parents. They held on to her like she was their most precious possession, and then grabbed Jagger into the hug. Jagger reached for Anna and brought her in.

  I’d never seen anything as beautiful. My smile was so big that it almost hurt my cheeks, and tears pricked at my eyes as the moment overwhelmed me. This was the ultimate depiction of love in its most beautiful state.

  Pure. Raw. All-encompassing.

  I flicked away a tear as Jagger moved, and my eyes locked on Grayson.

  He stared at me, the love I’d so sorely needed pouring from his eyes, saying everything we couldn’t. This could have been us. This could still be us.

  Have a little faith in me.

  The craving to speak to him overruled logic, but General Donovan was already talking to him by the time I made it over.

  “So you turned in your duty station requests last week, right?”

  I paused behind Paisley’s dad, waiting for Grayson’s response.

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Well, Jagger tells me you’re up at the top of the OML, so it shouldn’t be that hard to get your first choice if you stay there.”

  “No, sir.”

  “Where were your three choices?”

  I held my breath. At least one of them, Grayson. Just one.

  “Well, Fort Bragg, North Carolina, sir. That’s my top choice.”

  I pushed past the ache in my chest for that one. It wasn’t unexpected.

  “Good post. You have ties to the area?”

  “That’s home for me, sir. My loved ones are there.”

  My ears roared, the sound louder than the ocean.

  “And your other two choices?”

  “Fort Campbell, Kentucky, and Fort Stewart, Georgia, sir.”

  That tiny swell of hope that had sprung up watching the proposal died a slow, agonizing death, bleeding out at my feet in a heap of regret.

  “Well, if you can’t get North Carolina, I guess those are the closest for you…”

  General Donovan’s voice faded as I walked away, my heart protesting each step as I made my way across the beach. Grayson knew I wanted to go to Colorado, and out of his three choices, none of them were even close.

  I was so fucking done with this.

  “Sam!” he called out from behind me, but I didn’t stop. Stopping would mean surrendering to him, and I couldn’t do that anymore.

  “Please say something.” It was the plea in his voice that broke me.

  I turned and looked up at him, his frame so large he almost blocked out the whole sunset. What could I possibly say to him at this point? “I miss you,” I admitted. “Every time I take a breath, my chest hurts because I miss you so much, and it hurts, Grayson. Everything hurts, all the time.”

  “Sam,” he whispered, but I moved before he could touch me.

  “Don’t. You touch me, and I’m lost.” I slid into the small opening of my car door, and he recognized it for the escape maneuver it was.

  “You know I had to pick North Carolina. I had no choice,” he argued.

  “I know, but you left me with none, either. Just cut our losses, Grayson.”

  I shoved the lid on the feelings box and got the hell out of there.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Sam

  “Ice cream?” Morgan asked, sliding a pint over the counter island before taking spoons out of the drawer.

  “Why not, after all, no one will be seeing this ass for a while.” I shrugged and popped the top on the chocolate-chip cookie dough. That little beach trip two days ago was definitely the last of bikini season.

  “We could always head out for a drink if you need something stronger,” she offered. “Tornado watch be damned.”

  A year ago I would have jumped that offer so hard I would have bounced. But using alcohol to cope meant I’d wake up in the morning hungover and still heartbroken. No thank you. “This is perfect, thanks.”

  “Well, ice cream is the only real action I’ve been getting, so I’ve become quite the connoisseur.” She dug out a bite.

  My phone buzzed.

  Avery: Hey, I have news for you. Want to meet me at the gym?

  As if on cue, a branch from the hydrangea bush outside the kitchen window slapped the glass. The sky was dark for six o’clock at night, and the wind was moving with the approaching thunderstorm. “Looks like we’re in for an evening, anyway,” Morgan said, securing the latch on the window. “Guess I’ll go take off the bra. Want to marathon some Netflix?”

  “Sounds good. Anything but One Tree Hill,” I answered automatically, pretty sure I’d never see it again without thinking of sitting in Grace’s hospital room.

  I texted Avery back.

  Sam: We’re under tornado watch. Why don’t we meet up tomorrow?

  My curiosity would have to wait. I didn’t want her out in this.

  “You and Grace.” Morgan laughed.

  “What?” My head snapped up.

  She waved her spoon. “Oh, you know. The One Tree Hill comment. I went over to the house with Paisley one day when you were at school, and when I asked her if she wanted to watch TV she said the exact same thing.”

  Huh. Odd. “Weird. Mia said it was her favorite show.”

  “Not sure.” Morgan shrugged. “She said something about hating the last season, and it being overplayed? Anyway, I’m seriously getting in my pajamas. Meet you at the couch?”

  I couldn’t even escape Grace in my own kitchen. She was everywhere.

  My cell phone buzzed, and I nodded at Morgan. Jammies weren’t a bad idea, and definitely more comfortable than my jeans.

  Avery: I’m actually here already.

  The wind picked up, and a weather alert sounded on my phone.

  Tornado Warning, Coffee County, AL until 9 p.m. Seek shelter immediately.

  Trained weather spotters reported a funnel cloud near Kinston. A tornado may develop at any time. Doppler radar showed this dangerous storm moving Northeast at 45 mph. Locations of impact include…Enterprise…Fort Rucker…Take cover immediately.

  Crap. Looked like we’d be watching television from the cozy confines of the downstairs bathroom.

  Sam: Hey, there’s a tornado warning.

  Avery: I saw. Mom already shut the gym down.

  Sam: Good. Get home, okay?

  I took a bite of ice cream and savored the chill on my tongue. Since the proposal, I’d been numb. No tears, no pain…nothing. Even this tornado warning? Meh.

  Maybe I’d exhausted every possible emotion in my body, wrung myself dry until all that was left was an overdose of lidocaine that made me
bite my tongue more than anything else.

  But maybe that was good. Maybe it would be easier to move on now.

  Avery: Grady dropped me off here. Mom is in Dothan.

  My stomach fell.

  Sam: You’re there alone?

  Avery: Yeah. No worries. Mom will be here in an hour or so. I’ll bunker down in the sauna or something.

  Alone? No way.

  I pulled up the weather map. She didn’t have an hour if that turned into a tornado. I looked out the window. Weren’t the skies supposed to turn green? Mom had raced us to the shelter in Kansas, it wasn’t like I’d actually seen anything.

  A few clicks and I had the television tuned to a local channel, where the six o’clock news had been commandeered by the meteorologist.

  “…away from windows or flying debris. Again, a tornado has been spotted traveling northeast at what looks to be about thirty miles an hour. If you are in the city of Enterprise, take cover. Folks, this one is coming right at you.”

  The remote fell from my hand.

  “Morgan!” I ran to the entry hall, where I’d dropped my shoes, and put them on.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked, coming down the steps in flannel pajama pants.

  “Tornado headed for us.” I threw on my hoodie and raced back to the kitchen, where I’d left my cell phone on the counter.

  “Confirmed on the ground?”

  “Yeah. You need to get in the bathroom.” My fingers flew over the text screen.

  Sam: I’m coming. Keep the door unlocked and get away from the windows.

  “Well so do you.” She grabbed the emergency pack from the hallway.

  “I have to get Avery. She’s all alone at the gym.” Where the hell were my keys? The entry table? My purse? The coffee table. Right.

  “You can’t go out there if there’s a tornado on the ground.”

  “They said it’s moving thirty miles per hour, it’s currently estimated to be twelve miles away, giving us twenty-four minutes. I can get to the gym in five minutes. I’ll be back before it comes close.”

  “I’ll go with you.”

  “No. My car only has one seat empty. The back seat is full of boxes. Just stay here, stay safe.”

  “Then take this.” She threw the bag to me. “And be careful.”