The Beginning... The End... Anew!

by Zedart Hodges

  Even though I’ve been here on this earth for a little while, I’ve seen so much hatred and mistrust. Even from people that are supposed to love you like family. As a matter of fact, it mostly came from family. Especially if you’re in the drug game. But even after I’ve stopped using and I can see a little clearer, I can still see game. When we allow foolishness in our lives, we’re fair game for any and everyone that has wrong on their mind. But you really feel sorry for all those—that think they can get over. Now, when you have been there and know what time it is, you can lee game and understand it somewhat. But realize that that’s not the way. But then if you’re the one being played, and even if you’re not, we the same. See how crazy people have become; but to some degree you can say I understand. I understand how drugs can upset your mind and alter your train of thought to where anything that you do, you can justify your actions; no matter what. And you do this for so long you even fool you. That’s when you’re on a downward spiral. But you can’t see it because you’ve fooled yourself into believing that you are right by you. Dreams are a good thing, but when you live a nightmare and refuse to wake up to what’s going on in your life, it’s only a matter of time. But it’s all good if you want to do good. Remember, if you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you got. It’s time to wake up! But just anybody can’t wake up. You must want to be awoken to the right thing, not another nightmare.

  I know that you don’t want to hear people that love God talk about the love of Jesus and what he did, or what happened when he died on the cross. But it won’t hurt you to listen; if you just take time and think about something other than a hit of drugs, or making money, or trying to beat somebody out of something. Take 5 minutes out of your precious time and help yourself see who you are. There are a lot of people that think that this life is it. But there’s more to God’s plan than you trying to be hard. Hey, you ain’t hard. You may have bad breath but you ain’t hard. And you ain’t a killer. As a matter of fact, you are a punk panty wearing somebody. Don’t anybody owe you anything. But you and we short changed ourselves when we started thinking that nobody loves us. There are a lot of people that think just like you. We need to start looking at the big picture and realize who the artist is. You know I’ve ran into a lot of people that would say when I stop doing this or that I’ll start doing the right thang. But hey, it ain’t up to you. We must remember that this is just a pit stop in the journey of forever, and it depends on what you put in your tank; how far you will go through this life of uncertainty. There are pit stops and curbs that don’t stop curving until you stop and ask for directions, and get off at the right exit. You know, there’s a saying that says we are our own worst enemy, and that’s true. I think it’s because we don’t want nobody or nothing in our way when we start moving in a direction that we think we should go. But there’s only right and wrong. Only good and evil. And sometimes we have a hard time. We don’t need someone to show us wrong and evil, but we need to hold somebody’s hand to show or help us with right and good. The attributes of right and good are prohibited in our lives, especially when we think we have come into our own way, and we think that life has short changed us. But I am here to tell you that everyone is given the same chance in the beginning.

  I remember when I first got saved. I went to church often, listened intently to the minister) and from time to time felt pretty good about what I had done in my life. But I was still dipping and slipping and knew that I was alright, or so I thought. Family and friends started I back speaking to me. I just knew that I was something, but how many of you know that the Bible says when you think you are something you are nothing? My whole being is thinking that I am o.k. But there was something missing. But I didn’t know any better because I didn’t know that I had to be taught about willing myself to do and be a better person. So when I went to church, no matter what the preacher was preaching about, it seemed as if he was talking to me, always looking at me, but that wasn’t the case at all. I had been living in sin for so long that I was doing what I thought I wanted to do. So it wasn’t that the preacher was talking to me. I was whipped doing wrong. For so long I had trained myself to believe that people were talking about me, even when they didn’t even know me or what I’d done in the past. “Ya” man. I was whipped by my, or the imaginary walls that I had built around myself. But do you know that we need to allow those walls to crumble before we can really start to put or lives back together? We must first understand that we are not in control of nothing, and the things that we do, or did, don’t make us any bad? It just makes us worse. I know that you don’t want to hear what it really is about but that’s the way it is. I am just being real. I used to be an addict just like you and that’s another thing you couldn’t tell me that I was. A junkie. That word junkie sounds so nasty. I just thought that I was an occasional drug user. But then the last two letters were all it was. I had thrown the rest of the letters away. Your mind will make you think that everybody is against you, and what you think about you. That’s when you know that you are whooped badly. That’s when we need someone that can help us change our minds about things and people. You know your mind is so wonderful at times, and then sometimes it’s your worst battle ground. Let’s not get it twisted. Sometimes it’s good to think about good things; bad things. Things that will help us move from one level of living to another. But from time to time if you ain’t sharp, you get stuck on the things that harm you and make you do crazy things. This spirit called drugs. I was a young lad pouring drinks in my mom’s shot house. 1 for them and 1 for me. It didn’t take me I long to move from drinks to drugs, Mary Jane, then boy, then girl, then boy and girl, then boy and crack. When we couldn’t find cocaine we would buy crack and break it down and put boy and crack in our veins. We were whooped bad.

  I was or went to my home town to speak at the church that I was baptized in some time back, and they had a program, and there were a few speakers there as well as myself. And this program was about this cake. It was called a spiritual cake and the ingredients had to mean something spiritual. Anyway, my topic was love and I spoke about how love kept me from being lost when I was out there on drugs. And it was love that kept me from a lot of things. How it kept me from this big disease with the little name, and it’s true love kept me from a life of hurt and pain. But my mind was closed to understanding. But after the Lord saved me, and as I began to study his word, I started to realize how powerful love is, and can be. And I was telling some friends about this program and what the Lord blessed me to speak about, and one friend said that I would run into problems from time to time because some people’s minds are closed to this understanding, and will be in doubt. Now, we can understand the love for family, for husband or wife, but we need to understand the love that the Lord has for us. This was the love that I was talking about. But then if we don’t love ourselves and our neighbor, we won’t be able to understand the real meaning of love. Now, it’s the lack of love that will keep us from a lot of things that God has for us, along with healing and anything else. But we must first love ourselves, and then the love for God and others will start to manifest in our lives. But until we begin to love ourselves, we won’t have the capability to love God and others. In order for God’s power to be manifested in us, we must first love ourselves. God is the only one that could have brought this about in my life. I am talking about this healing and deliverance from whatever. We must understand that love for Christ can only bring about change in our lives. Now, our understanding has been darkened by evil desires but if we begin to think about good things, say good things, do good things, the eyes of our understanding will begin to open; and we will start looking to the hills from which comes our health and strength, and mix this with love. Ain’t no telling what you can do. But we must first start with the love for self. God can only bring about change in our lives through love and the understanding that Jesus was his son in the flesh. Now listen, everybody is doing wrong, but this is the real deal. I want you to respect me fo
r being me and my son as Lord; and if these things don’t come about in your life, you’re gone’ keep getting what you got. Give my son his props. Realize what he did for you. I want you to get to know him like you know that bottle, or that bag, or them pills. Get up in the morning and call on him instead of the man with the pipe dreams. You need to stop chasing ghosts. Been there, done that.

  How misinformed can we be when we allow someone or something to have control and dictate when we think, the way we move our emotions, and every aspect of our being. I remember sometime ago I ran into this friend of mine that was a high school football star, and we got to talking about old times. Both of us were high and I thought that by him being a star in high school that he was on his way out of the ghetto. Anyway, we were talking and I asked him what happened. He had a full scholarship and everything. So anyway, I asked what happened. He said he went to this party one night drinking and all of a sudden the room started spinning. He told me that he went on a trip and he ain’t got back yet. The eyes of his understanding were darkened to the ways and things that people will do to you when they see you moving ahead. We are supposed to put our trust in the Lord. Now, I know that it’s not popular to trust in something that we can’t see, but that something that we can’t see has our best interest at heart. I don’t understand why a lot of things happen, but I know who makes them happen. We must trust in the one that gives us hope and pray that the eyes of our understanding will begin to open, and know that this is not our doing, and we don’t run nothing but our mouths. And sometimes, it’s best to keep that closed and listen.

  I remember back in the day when I thought that all there was to do was wrong. I didn’t know anything about what it was like to do something right. All I knew is that I would do something wrong and call it right, and a lot of times I would hear this little voice telling me that’s wrong or that’s right. I didn’t pay it any mind, or didn’t want to at those times. I would just concentrate on the wrongness that was in control, and then too, I thought that I was in control. I guess that’s why I didn’t listen. You know what the saying is: a hard head will make a soft butt; and if that’s the case some people would be walking around with a bell of cotton tied to their butt. But there came a time when you know you’d be put in a position where you don’t have any choice but to listen, and even then we close our minds to the things that will help us. Some people would say that there’s no God, or Jesus was just a man. I tell you that he’s more than a man. And even at that, some people are not ready to face the truth about themselves; about reality, about life, and living; if it’s not on their terms. But I am here to let you know that you and I, and whosoever, ain’t got no terms; and all we run is our mouths, and sometimes we even do that too much. Let me tell you how I know that there’s a God and Jesus was more than a man. I was lying in jail after thinking about how I am going to attempt to get out of about 25 years. Let me start from the beginning as best as I can remember.

  It was July 3rd 1995. There was myself, this friend named Charles B., there was another friend named Pee Wee, and then there was this white boy named Ronnie whom everybody thought was the police. And this white boy kept that cheese but didn’t nobody know where he worked; but then junkies don’t really care as long as they getting high for free. So we had went to this town; got our dope. On the way back we just making plans for the 4th of July. But by the time we got back in town here come the police, and everybody got warrants but somehow this white boy didn’t go to jail. There was needles, pipes, and everything. So anyway, we go to jail; the three blacks that used to go from where we stayed to the coast, and back to where we had to score stealing. And when we got to where we were going, we would have a fence, or we knew a fence. So anyway, we go to jail and after about a week or so here comes our first appearance where we I would find out our charges. And under the new law, at that time, we were facing big time, especially me. They tried to give me the bitch along with drug charges, and having those needles and pipes. In total I was facing about 25 or 26 years. So I said, “Damn these police trying to take me off the streets for a while.” So I said, “Man I am already 48 or something like that. I’ll be in a wheelchair by the time I hit the streets again, and I was raised in a somewhat God loving family; and after it’s all said and done you call on the one you know can help you.” So anyway, this friend that I went to school with, he had accepted Christ, and he said that he’s the only one that can help you now. So we talked for a while and finally we got on the same page about Christ. Now mind you it’s been a long time since me and God had a good talk, and I didn’t really know what to say. So I asked my classmate and he said, “Ha! Talk to him just like you are talking to me; from your heart. And when you finish, say these things: I ask in the name of Jesus. And the first thing you need to do is be honest with you, and know that you have been forgiven.” Now getting back I said, “Lord I know that I am guilty, but I don’t think that I am guilty enough for 25 years. What you think about it? Now everybody wants me to plead but I ain’t ready for no plea over 5 years.” So I told my court appointed lawyer to tell the D.A. to put them in the box, and so they started putting ’em in the box. He come the D.A. “Ask him if he will take 10-15”; and I said keep picking. Finally on the 6th juror he said, “See if he will take 40-57 months”; and I said let’s go. I was tired of the game. So I go to processing, and then to a gun camp. Now mind you, I am whole hearted about God now because I’ve seen him work on my behalf. So time goes on. I am studying God’s word; finding people to fellowship with. Anyway, I told God to send me to a church that’s going to teach me the word as well as preach it to me. And I don’t know how long or when it was, but I dreamed this dream about this church that had a blue cross behind the pulpit, and I saw a white robe. It was whiter than anything I’d ever seen. So as time went on I made honor grade and went to Raleigh, N.C. There at this yoke fellow I met this young man named Tony. Look like he must have weighed about a buck 30. So he said, “What level you in?” And I said, “I don’t know.” So he said, “See if you can get in level two, and I’ll take you to church with me.” So I said, “O.k.” So as time went on, came time for me to go on pass. He didn’t come and get me. Now this may sound funny to some people, but the Holy Spirit said put your trust in no man. So I grabbed my Bible; started reading. Next week he came and we went to this church, and the first thing I saw was this blue cross, and I said, “Lord, what are you trying to tell me?” And a few more times after that we went to church, and the pastor came out to preach with this white robe on, and I said, “Lord, I know this is where you want me to be.” And a little while after, I joined that church, and I am still there to this day. God is faithful but we must trust Jesus. Bless you.

  What’s going on brothers and sisters? You know, it’s a good thing to know who’s who and what’s what in this walk with the one who will set you free from past sins, past and future sicknesses; in other words the one who we are fighting. First of all, let me help you understand that even though we can see what seems to be real, we must understand that I am not fighting you, and you’re not fighting against me. We have an adversary whether in or out of the Body of Christ. If we are in the Body of Christ he helps us see, but if we are out we can’t see, and will get upset with anyone that wants to help us. See look at ‘cha. Even though you’re reading this I you’re thinking about going to get high ‘rat now. You know the Bible that I read tells me that we are born into sin, and that’s why I am telling you that we have three enemies. We think that when we are born, just because we have parents to teach, and shows us, and be with us, and comfort us, that everything is alright, and it will be for a while. But we must know that we can’t stay in, or at the nest, all the time. We need to leave, and so sometimes this enemy lets us think that because we do the right thang we abide by the laws of the land. Some people think that it’s a good thing, and that’s why I believe that some of us think that they don’t need nothing or nobody. So as long as you go about doing what you think is right, being good to people,
not being a bad ass, respecting everybody, you tend to think that it’s all good. But then you mess around and slip and you will see with both eyes what the real deal is. I don’t care how good you think you are in your community; on your job. You just slip one time and everybody will allow you to see what the real deal is. This world that we live in is a beast. It’s like, if you slip just once things will start happening in your life and around you to help you slip again and again, and when this happens you tend to give up on what’s real. And then just because we know someone that was in almost the same situation, we begin to put a little trust in them. But let it be known that what he or she has done can’t and will not help you in your time of need. Trust me. So the first enemy is the world. This enemy is so cool that there’s really no end to what he will or won’t do. Have you ever been doing something that you know was right for you, and you were flowing, and all at once something or somebody broke your thought pattern with something crazy, or a silly idea? I know you have. That’s this person that some would call the devil. I know some would say that he’s not real, but the biggest trick he ever pulled was to convince people that he wasn’t real. We must believe that he’s real and there is a hell. Now if you don’t, one day that’s where you ‘gone wake up, right in the middle, and then it will be too late. So our second enemy is the devil. Wake up. Ha. You know when you are locked up sometimes you will meet some people that have something on their mind; who are not thinking of making the joint a career move, and then you will meet a lifer, and he will tell you. He will say, “Young blood, your best thinking got you here.” Don’t you think that it’s about time you allowed someone that we all know to help you with your thinking? You know, I used to hear people say you are your own worst enemy, and I didn’t pay that any mind. But as I began to study the word of God and asked Jesus to come into my life and be my Lord and Savior, until then I didn’t know the real deal. But the word of God says: Do not conform any longer to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. We were born in sin to sin, or to rebel against what is right; against God because we don’t have the ability on our own to do what’s right. So the third enemy we need to contend with is ourselves. We think that we don’t need nobody. We think that if we do and say the right thing, treat people right, don’t drink or curse, and go to church every blue moon, that all will be good. But ha. I am here to let you know that unless you accept Christ as your Lord and Savior, you done seen a bad day. When it comes time to give up the ghost you will see a bad day. When that time comes, and it’s coming, and that’s the real deal, we, say I pray and I know God. But know this: the devil knows God and prays; or puts things in our way so that our eyes won’t be open. Father, I thank you for being who you are. God I know that I must believe and I do. But help me to trust in your son, and give me the strength to believe and accept him as my Lord and Savior. Help me God. Send me someone that will explain to me Jesus’ love for me and help me to understand his will. I need someone Lord. God I want to know your grace. I want your peace. I need your grace. Father help me. Give me the will to do your will; yes to your way. I need you God. Help me. Give me the will to do your will for my life Lord. I accept you as my Lord and Savior. I pray this prayer in Jesus I name. Amen. Thank you Lord.