Bad Girl

by Sarah Michelle Lynch

  “You mean romance?”

  “Yeah, I think so. I don’t know. I just… I do miss him, I guess.”

  “Has he called? Have you talked?”

  “He calls,” I admit, looking down into my lap. “We video chat. We talk.”

  “What does he say?”

  “He misses me. Wants me back. Wants to visit me. Wants to be with me.”

  “Chloe,” she says softly. “What are you doing?”

  I lift my eyes to hers and I know she can see my predicament without me even having to spell it out.

  “There’s unfinished business… you and Adam,” she says eventually.

  “Yeah. There is. I don’t even know what is unfinished or if it’s important or anything like that, but it’s just… there. It’s always been there. I was devastated when he announced he and Susan were marrying and now they’ve split so dramatically, what am I meant to read from that?”

  “I don’t know either,” she sighs, slouching back in her chair. “Sometimes, when I’m feeding the baby in the night and it’s dark and there’s absolutely no noise except a shrieking fox or an owl hooting or something, I just wonder how the fuck I ever was with Paul. Now that I’m here, living this life, that one seems so sort of… I don’t know… it’s like I’ve fully detached and can now see it for what it was. Alone with my thoughts, I wonder… all sorts. I wonder what I would have done without Theo or where my life might have gone.”

  “People don’t traditionally marry their schoolfriends and stay together,” I muse, “and so I often think you and Theo must be the only ones who could ever break that rule.”

  “Yeah but Theo joined our school late. And I only really got to know him after I split with Ian. Before he was sort of a mystery to me. You and me, Sass and Marie, we’ve all known Paul and Adam and Tom for most of ours lives. It’s different with them. Maybe that’s why it works for me and Theo, because we got to know one another once we were ready. But with the others, we’ve all known one another through the shit times and good. We’ve seen one another go through everything. We know too much, maybe. I know I’ve changed, what about you?”

  I inhale deeply and sigh. “Two years with Cole really changed me, you know? It was actual living. Some of it was crazy, don’t get me wrong. But it was… I would’ve never had that with Paul or Adam or Tom. None of them are like Cole. He’s more laidback than they will ever be. I think he gave me space, which was good, but in the end, I decided I didn’t want that.”

  “What, space?” she chuckles.

  “Yeah,” I admit. “As freaky as that seems for me to admit, he was giving me too much space. I want someone who’s a bit more, I don’t know, needy. A bit obsessed. Maybe. A bit…”

  “Someone who’s in love with you,” she says.

  “Exactly.”

  “Well, anyone not in love with you must be insane,” she says, brushing the hair back off my shoulder. “I really do need to know what you’ve been doing different. There’s something…”

  “I don’t know.” I try to think. “But I haven’t been going out.”

  “What? Like not at all?” She’s suddenly wearing a worried face.

  “Oh, well, I go out. I meet people for coffee or we go shopping. Marie comes round and we drink a couple of glasses in front of the TV while she bitches about Ade.”

  “Oh god, how fucking boring is that twat?”

  We laugh like hyenas and almost tear the roof off.

  “Mega tedious. I’m like, whenever she talks about him, already falling asleep. Just record her talking about her husband. Perfect sleep aid.”

  Lily throws her head back laughing. “Oh, my, god. It’s crazy.”

  “But yeah, I guess… Oz just wound me down. I don’t do crazy stuff anymore. My mum still does, you know? But that’s her call. She can live how she wants. I’m healthier than I’ve ever been. I’m kind of… balanced.”

  “Because of Cole?” she asks, a hint of hope in her voice.

  “I think… the experience we had; it was more that. But I suppose he was just there, in a weird way, he was a constant. I’d never had that before.”

  “I think you should call him, ask him to come over.”

  I tut and shake my head. “He’s probably had a dozen girls since I left. Come on. He was so hurt when I went, he’s just… I don’t know. Clinging to the extended holiday we had.”

  “I call bullshit. I think you’re trying to undermine this because you know it’s good for you.”

  I shake my head over and over. “No, babe. No. That’s not me anymore. I told you, there’s unfinished business… and it’s not fair on Cole for us both to be half in or out because one of us can never be fully in. That’s not right.”

  “So then sort it out with Adam,” she urges.

  “Not the right time, I know it.” I feel absolutely certain of that. “He’ll be Full Adam again without her. He won’t want me dropping in on him. He’ll have to come to me. That’s always how it worked.”

  “Full Adam? What is this entity you talk of?”

  “Oh, well. A Full Adam is where he’s like one of his computer avatars and he’s got full life for the games, you know? But for real life, he’s got nothing left.”

  “I see.” She looks perplexed.

  “Also, a Full Adam is Adam without any dilution, so he’s pretty much himself through and through. No need for any human company. No need for love. Just the games.”

  Lily looks worried and grimaces. “I wonder where she is. It freaks me out thinking about her. Maybe I should’ve gone to the police?”

  “It’s a shit world out there right now, babe. She’s not worth it. Let her find her way to her next victim and hopefully they will have a big enough bank balance to properly deal with her if she starts playing games again.”

  “You think she will?”

  “Undoubtedly,” I tell her straight. “She’s a compulsive liar. She can’t stop.”

  Then suddenly Theo is in the doorway with baby Henry in his arms.

  Everything disappears into the background as I’m handed the most beautiful bundle I’ve ever held in my whole life. The world stops turning and I’m wrapped up in that baby powder and non-bio smell.

  “He’s so beautiful, Lily. He looks like her, doesn’t he?” I look up at Theo, proud as punch.

  “I thought that but his eyes could change.”

  His blue eyes are looking up at me, wondering why the female unit has different hair suddenly. When he grabs hold of my finger, my heart lets out a little sigh.

  “Okay, I’m not letting go until he starts wanting to bite me. He’s mine for now, aren’t you? Aren’t you?” I almost get a smile out of him, despite him being only two weeks old. “You’re as cute as those little goats I was bottle feeding in Australia. You would have loved them. Yes, you would. You wouldn’t have loved the hot weather but you would’ve loved the goats, my boy. Yes, you would. You would.”

  “We’re ordering in tonight if you fancy it?” Lily suggests.

  “Whatever. I think I’ve got everything I need right here.”

  Henry and I stare at one another, fascinated by each other’s faces.

  “Oh, he’s going to be a ladies’ man. Like his father,” I snicker. “He’ll have everyone wrapped around his little finger.”

  Henry is in a white sleepsuit and has big puffy pink cheeks and a wispy crop of light-brown hair like Lily’s. He’s the loveliest pudgy bundle of joy.

  “What does your dad say?” I ask Theo, who still seems uneasy about having a dad.

  “Oh god, he’s absolutely head over heels,” Lily answers for him. “He’s seen him over Skype only, but he’s delighted. He’s in Italy right now doing a show over there. No rest for the wicked.”

  “Ah, I see.”

  Theo says nothing on the matter but Lily catches my eye briefly and I see there’s still a small amount of discord there that needs smoothing out. She’ll no doubt be the broker and will help heal the rift, in time. Unless Theo doesn’t
want Gustav in his life, which is fine… he wasn’t present for the first twenty-six years or so. I know what it’s like, having never met my real father. I’ve had plenty of temporary daddies, just nothing ever permanent.

  “You’re so lucky to have a mummy and daddy,” I tell Henry, “who both love you so much.”

  I lean down and kiss his soft baby head. He’s wonderful.

  The feelings conjured inside me are making me wonder if I should connect with Adam or reconnect with Cole.

  Or… maybe… seek a new connection.

  Then the baby turns its head and tries to snap its lips around my nipple.

  Lily laughs and leans over, “Sorry about that.”

  With a practised hand she has the baby across her lap in seconds, her shirt up, bra down and nothing exposed for even a second as the baby’s face covers everything.

  “Chinese? Indian?” he asks.

  We collectively shake our heads at him.

  “Oh, sorry.”

  He searches on his phone and says, “They don’t do fish and chips around here. Nothing any good, anyway.”

  “It’s true,” Lily says, rolling her eyes. “The one total disappointment of living down here.”

  Theo chuckles. “I’ll order pizza, then. Extra mushrooms?”

  “Yeah,” Lily says.

  “I’ll have a garlic bread Theo and the spiciest thing on the menu.”

  “Joining you with that,” he agrees.

  “Not joining,” Lily shouts at his back as he leaves to ring the takeaway. “Pooey nappies for days.”

  When he’s out of the room, I turn to Lily. “Well done, by the way. He’s so ickle and perfect. He’s a little beauty.”

  “He is,” she whispers, “but you don’t wanna know what it was like pushing out a nine-pound Richards, let me tell you.”

  “Oh, I don’t know,” I chuckle. “Tell me all about it.”

  “Well,” she says, turning her eyes onto mine, thrilled I want to know. “Let’s start with my waters breaking as we were trying to get the baby out by, you know… encouraging it all to start.”

  “Oh my god, no.”

  “Oh my god, yes.”

  “Tell me all the gory details.”

  “Oh, you’re in for it,” she says, laughing.

  Chapter Six

  Christmas Eve

  I’m getting out of the bath when my phone starts ringing with a video call. I pull a towel around me and take my phone to the bedroom, answering as I sit myself down on the bed.

  “Hey you,” I tell him.

  “Hey babe, just calling to wish you Happy Christmas.”

  He’s become progressively more chiselled since the last time I saw him. Something about spending more time in the gym, I think. Also, he’s got a smarter haircut now he’s a proper lawyer and all. I don’t know why he came to England to do the bar if he was always planning to return home. Maybe he wanted to challenge himself, or maybe he never expected to miss home so much.

  “Happy Christmas, what time is it there?”

  “Six,” he says, “what time is it there?”

  “Eight. I just got out of the bath. I’m about to head out to the fish shop before it shuts, that’s if they didn’t decide to close early!”

  “You can give me a few minutes, though?”

  “Sure I can.” I smile warmly, trying not to admire him as he admires me, his face filling the screen because he’s having a good nosey at what I’m wearing – that would be nothing – and at my wet hair and natural face.

  “What are your plans?” he asks me.

  “Umm, Mum’s tomorrow. No idea what I’ll be presented with, but we’ll see. Not much else. I have a lot of sleep to catch up on. Saskia wants to meet, though.”

  “Nothing tonight?” he asks.

  I shake my head. “I have a date with Netflix and a new pair of pyjamas. Bliss.”

  He grins and his smile makes me happy. “What about that tradition you and your mates have?”

  “Can’t be arsed with that, Cole. Can’t be arsed.”

  He presses his lips together, searching my face – but what for, I don’t know. “I put something in the post for you. It might get there late, like maybe a couple days after Christmas or something.”

  I roll my eyes. “Please, god. I don’t need presents, Cole. We never did them before.”

  “I don’t care,” he insists, “I wanted to get you something seeing as though… well…”

  He doesn’t say it, but what he means is that he can’t be with me, so he feels the need to send something to remind me he does still exist.

  “How are you doing anyway, girl?”

  I shy away from looking directly at the camera. “I’m busy but I’m okay. I’m throwing myself into my work. What about you?”

  Behind him, I can see his apartment that he recently got in Brisbane. He’s often jetting about working in different cities seeing as though he’s a sought-after barrister. He often jokes during our calls that he’s ringing from his castle in the sky, seeing as though his penthouse apartment is so vast and has such brilliant views.

  “I’m looking forward to two weeks off in January. How about it?”

  I look him dead in the eye. “What?”

  “I want to come and see you,” he says, “so how about it?”

  “I—I don’t know, Cole. I’m still new, I don’t know if they’d let me have any time off.”

  “I don’t care,” he says, “just be with me in the evenings. How about it?”

  He’s put me on the spot doing this over a video chat. If he’d messaged me about this, then maybe I could’ve had a think.

  “Can I think about it? And let you know?”

  “You’ll need to let me know soon, babe. Otherwise I might not be able to book a flight.”

  I pout because it’s not like he hasn’t got the money to fly himself here first class and still have the change to get a car service to my house, too.

  “I’ll let you know.”

  “Okay,” he says, “but it would mean a lot if we could see one another again.”

  He looks down at his lap and even from 10,000 miles away, I sense he’s mooning over me, maybe even pining. I feel really bad but I also feel his pain. I’ve missed him so much. Little things, like the way he’d brush my hair out when it eventually got too ratty. I’d put a treatment through it and he would comb it out. The way he’d bring me iced tea all the time when it was really hot. Then there’s his hands and the rest of his body and his warmth. I miss being with a man and feeling desired.

  I’ve been back in England since May and I’ve seen Adam once in all this time and it’s ridiculous. Why am I even here, when I could be out there with Cole, enjoying myself?

  “I do want to see you,” I submit, “but just let me think about it, okay?”

  “That’s good enough for now,” he says, “but don’t take too long. Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “I’m gonna let you go. Seeing you like that makes me want to rub one out. Plus, it looks like you need to eat. You’re getting too skinny, girl. You look beautiful, though. You look amazing.”

  I lift my eyes to his. “So do you.”

  “Call me later?”

  “I’ll see how I go.”

  “You do that. Catch you later, Chloe.”

  “Bye, honey.”

  He hangs up and I fall on my back on the bed.

  God, I wish he were here.

  I just wish it didn’t have to mean anything.

  Because everything is serious now. And for so long, it never was.

  I’m finishing my fish and chips and watching the end of a comedy sketch show when the doorbell goes. I’m wondering if it’s kids messing about when it goes again, quite insistently.

  I’m in my boyfriend jeans, suede slippers and an oversized jumper so I’m hoping it’s not someone here to drag me out as I’d not planned on that tonight.

  I’m surprised as hell when I see Adam on my doorstep with his tousled ligh
t-brown hair falling around his face and a scarf tied around his neck. He’s carrying a plastic bag, apparently full of beer.

  He looks stumped to see me in my scruffs. “What’s… happening?”

  “Erm, I could ask the same. How did you find out where I live?”

  “There was nobody at the pub,” he explains, pushing his way inside, getting out of the cold, “and so I went to your mum’s. She wasn’t in, either.”

  “No, she’s probably down her local tonight.”

  “So then I called around and everyone’s got their own plans. And when I spoke with Lily, she said you didn’t have plans as far as she knew and then she gave me your address.”

  Sod that woman.

  “Well, here I am.”

  “Do you want a beer then? Or do you want me to get stuffed? Am I ruining something, or… is this okay?”

  “It’s okay,” I murmur.

  “Okay.”

  He starts putting beers in my fridge and looking around as if waiting to see if I’ve got a man hidden somewhere who’s about to pop his head out.

  Men, eh? Fucking buses. It’s so fucking true, as well.

  We end up on the couch in the living room, idly watching Mrs Brown’s Boys. I don’t really like the show and he’s not laughing either – it’s just in the background.

  “What are you doing here, Adam?” I ask, after drinking half a can of Belgian lager and unable to stop myself asking.

  “I don’t know,” he says, “it’s just weird, you know? There was comfort in the old routines. Now not even you… here you are, dressed down, couldn’t give a fuck. Maybe I needed to see it with my own eyes.” He’s chucking back his beer fast and I see something new in Adam… a moroseness that wasn’t there before.

  “The last Christmas Eve I spent here was three years ago. A lot has changed.”

  “I know,” he admits reluctantly. “I’m in a weird place, that’s all.”

  “I understand, it’s to be expected.”

  I sense he wants to take the conversation down a dark route so I change the subject. “Have you met baby Richards yet?”

  “No, not yet. I saw Theo in London though. I was down there for a meeting last month and he offered me the apartment if I wanted it. Theo hasn’t used it in weeks and needs to get rid of it now.”