Bad Girl

by Sarah Michelle Lynch

  There’s suddenly light. I can see his ceiling. Then he brings the phone to his face.

  “CHLOE?” I see his eyes wide, his face a picture of fear.

  I see just a tiny flash of blonde hair as he dashes from the room and locks himself in the bathroom.

  “I can explain…”

  I shake my head at him. “It’s physical… you don’t love her… it’s me you love. She’s just a stopgap before I get there… blah blah blah.”

  He rubs his forehead, his eyes intensely red, the stress palpable.

  “I thought I knew you, Cole. I think maybe I did, though, deep down, maybe I did know you. Which is why I left… because I knew the score. I knew I wasn’t number one in your eyes. You didn’t fuck that other woman in front of me because you thought it was hot, you fucked her because you want other women. You don’t want to settle down with me. If I come there, you’ll put me in a house in the country and you’ll be in the city all week, fucking a different bimbo every night in your flat, and I’ll be saddled at home with the kids while you’re getting your kicks—”

  “You know that’s not true. I’ve been… struggling. Sometimes, I just need to forget, Chlo.”

  “Don’t call me that. It’s my fucking birthday, Cole. I was calling to thank you for the flowers. Well, guess what? They will be going in the trash. FUCK YOU!”

  I hang up and he tries to call back.

  I decline.

  He calls again.

  I decline.

  Then I look down to see he’s typing in messenger.

  I’m so sorry, please, let me explain. It is just sex!

  Chloe, I love you. I’m sorry. It’s just so hard being apart.

  I’m not coping.

  Chloe, please talk to me.

  This will kill me.

  If I lose you, this will kill me.

  Chloe, please, forgive me.

  She means nothing. Absolutely nothing.

  It’s just sex!

  I know I shouldn’t have… I hate myself… I’m struggling so much.

  I miss you so much, I’m not coping… I’m not living.

  Please, Chloe.

  I love you.

  The phone starts wobbling around in my hand as my whole body shakes. I switch it off and shove it into my handbag.

  I’m done with everything.

  I’m so fucking done.

  I’m meant to stick around until the end of the day, but fuck this.

  Fuck it all.

  I pop the chocolate cake back into its box, which Polly so helpfully left behind.

  I find a pen among the stacks of files crowding my desk and write on a post-it note: Please finish up for me, Polly and give the flowers a home – I can’t take them with me. You’ve been a great friend, but I don’t do goodbyes. C xxx

  My handbag over my shoulder, the cake resting on my outstretched palm, I take one last look at my office – a space in which I’ve laboured, for hours and hours, every day for so long, it seems.

  I don’t think there’s anything more I can do to help these people. All the files are ready to go into storage or into somebody else’s office. The rest of my working day would have been spent doing admin and that’s nothing Polly can’t do for me, albeit I’ll be letting her down by not saying a proper goodbye or giving her all the insights into these cases I was planning to do before leaving. She’ll have to figure it out for herself now.

  I watch the corridor for my moment to leave without being seen and spot my window of opportunity, dashing away while Morag’s distracted and Polly is upstairs, brewing our afternoon coffee.

  “Goodbye,” I whisper as I leave, taking a deep breath as a blast of cool air hits me outside.

  Chapter Nineteen

  In the kitchen of my soon-to-be-vacated rented house, I have my hair tied back, sweats on, a glass of wine in my hand and the cake out, a fork in it, music on and a bunch of cardboard boxes to fill. Now I don’t have to cart all my knives, forks and plates etcetera to charity shops or car boot sales or whatever. I’m not moving to Australia anymore. He can go fuck himself. Today, my life was made so much simpler. I don’t have to think about another human being anymore except for myself.

  I don’t have a car. A job. A house.

  A boyfriend.

  Still, I have my freedom.

  The doorbell rings and I ignore it. Then the letterbox pings open and I hear his voice.

  “Birthday girl, I know you’re in there!”

  It’s Adam.

  I almost run to the door but once I get closer, stop myself from getting there too quick.

  I fling the door open and a load of helium balloons fly into my face, hitting me as the wind blows them into me.

  “Okay,” I giggle, and he sees what’s happening, tugging them back.

  “Ha, sorry,” he says.

  He gets inside and hands me the package he’s carrying under his arm. “It’s just a little something. I felt so bad after what happened when we last saw one another.”

  We make it into the hub of the home – the kitchen – and he arranges my balloons in a corner, trying to untangle himself. It’s just a load of silly emojis and stuff, nothing particularly birthday-themed. He knows I like silly stuff, nothing too serious or hearts and flowers.

  “Wow, you’re packing,” he realises, noticing the boxes.

  “I’m turfed out next Friday, can you believe?”

  “Fuck, Chloe. So, what’s… what’s the plan, then?”

  I wave the bottle in his face and he declines, “I’m driving.” I pour some more for myself anyway.

  “Well, I just turned twenty-eight. I’m soon to be homeless. I quit my job. I sold my car. I was contemplating moving to Australia, then…” I can’t help but laugh. “I found out my boyfriend is shagging someone else. So basically, I’m drinking, and I’m drunk. And dinner is this cake, by the way, which you’re welcome to help me with. Oh, and my mother forgot my birthday, again… but don’t worry, a card will show up next week most likely… once I’ve moved out. And even Lily forgot, though I expect she’s busy with her family. Sass sent me an open-ended plane ticket to visit her in New York but what I really need is for her to be here. And, yeah, I have no idea what I’m doing. The End.”

  I drink heartily from my wineglass and grab the cake fork, shovelling some more into my mouth.

  “Well, my divorce came through last week,” he said, “and the house sold. I’m moving to London. Why don’t you come with me? It could be like old times. Except a new beginning, sort of. New adventures to chase… new surroundings, like you said. A change of scenery and all that… I’m hoping it helps.”

  He looks so gorgeous in his polo neck, drainpipe jeans and overcoat. He must have got a haircut, finally and it’s short at the back and sides but the waves on top look delicious. I loved grabbing hold of his hair when we fucked. There is something so erotic about a man’s hair, especially Adam’s. He’s really beautiful. I still love him.

  Oh, wait… is that the drink talking?

  “Maybe,” I say, “but doesn’t Theo’s flat only have one bedroom?”

  He laughs the house down. “You’d need to get your own place but I could help you out if you need it. I think it’s high fucking time you finished your course and became a barrister, don’t you? This world needs more kickass women tearing down the old crusty buggers of the world. Come on, Chlo… what do you say?”

  I look from him to the balloons, then back again. Something smells fishy.

  “Who sent you?” I ask him.

  “Nobody,” he insists, looking shifty.

  “Come on.”

  “Cole got in touch with Theo to find out if you’re alright, and Theo called me, and here I am, making sure you’re alright.”

  I grab my handbag and realise my phone is still switched off. “I turned it off. He was pissing me off. Do you know, I had to listen to him fucking some bint… he thought he’d denied my call… I had to listen to her crying out, ‘Oh my god, you’re so big!�
��”

  It must be the way I just said it because Adam covers his mouth with a hand and laughs so hard.

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he says.

  “Tell Theo to tell Cole I’m done and I don’t care anymore, he can go bugger himself. I’m done.”

  Adam opens his phone and sends the message quickly. “It’s sent.”

  “Show me what you sent.”

  I walk on shaky feet towards him and he shows me the message, which reads: She’s alive and drunk and still not talking to him. I’ll look after her.

  “You’ll look after me, will you?” I fold my arms and cast a sly glance at him.

  “Get some clothes on that aren’t three sizes too big, we’re going out for dinner. My treat. The bitch is out of my life and we need to celebrate.”

  I arch my eyebrows. “Hell, there is something to shout about after all.”

  Adam has a new car, a Porsche 911 would you believe. He helps me into the passenger seat and carefully shuts the door. I’m laughing as he seats himself next to me.

  “What the fuck, Adam? You’re scared of touching this thing, aren’t you?”

  He laughs as he strokes the steering wheel, like it’s fragile blown glass and might shatter any minute.

  “I went after the fertility woman and threatened to sue her ass if she didn’t settle privately. She’d never practice again if I went public. So, this is my divorce present to myself… I also got some money off Susan after my lawyers found out she had quite a lot of cash stashed away. I went to see that guy Markos and asked him how much he needed. His debts are paid off now, thanks to you.”

  I turn to look at him. “That’s fucking amazing, Adam.”

  I lean in to kiss his cheek but he turns his head at the wrong moment and our lips collide, crashing into one another’s. My eyes are locked on his, his are on mine, and it’s very awkward – and not very sexy as our lips are pressed together. He sort of jolts back, amused by it all.

  “Err…” he laughs.

  “Sorry, I was going for the cheek.”

  “I know.”

  He clears his throat and starts the car, pointing the vehicle in the direction of town. We don’t speak at all during the car journey.

  When we get to a parking spot on a side street, he’s at my side before I can even open the door for myself. He helps me out, offering his hand as I rise from a car so low down, my black patent heels not a good choice for this kind of situation. I’m also wearing a red dress, one I’ve worn to work a hundred times, but it’s one of my favourites. It’s felt, sleeveless, has a high collar and is tight, with a pencil skirt to just below the knee. I’ve done my hair in a 60-style half-up beehive. I’m wearing red lippy and he still has a bit on his mouth. I didn’t have time to do my nails but they’re not too bad. I’ve thrown my black faux fur jacket on top.

  I put my arm through his as he walks us to wherever it is we’re going. I’m sobered up a bit now after a quick shower, a few glasses of water and a change of clothes. I’m sure a nice meal will help.

  “Here we are,” he says, stopping me as we reach my favourite Italian – which I was trying not to get my hopes up for.

  “Oh my god, Adam. You remembered.”

  “Well, not quite…”

  He opens the door and I walk in ahead of him. Standing beside a table up ahead are Lily and Theo, Lily crying already the moment she sees me. I run to her and she holds her arms out, folding me into her big chest and squeezing the life out of me.

  “God, I love you so much,” she says, “happy birthday!”

  I pull away, tears in my eyes. I reach for Theo and he kisses me on the cheek, squeezing my hand in his.

  “How did you—” I gasp on tears. “When?”

  “Oh, we booked it ages ago,” Lily says, “when we knew we’d be up here on March the first, and Adam reminded us it was your birthday, so we decided we had to do it, come what may. So here we are.”

  “Come on, let’s sit down,” Adam says, standing behind me and tugging at my coat.

  He hands it to a waiter along with his own.

  Adam and I sit together opposite Theo and Lily. Champagne is brought to our table and I giggle as it fizzes over everywhere and dampens our table cloth. We all drink to our health, while Lily drinks to, “Child-free evenings!”

  Adam and I laugh in sequence.

  “You never said you’d be up here,” I chastise them.

  “Yeah, it’s meant to be a surprise,” Lily laughs, touching my hand.

  “I’m doing some TV and it’s filming around York, so we’re staying with Adam for a bit, until his house isn’t his anymore. I’m not filming for long, though.”

  “And the baby?” I ask Lily.

  “With my mother tonight. She’s very happy,” she giggles sarcastically. “And I’m happy, too if it means I get a full night’s sleep tonight. Don’t know if these things will get uncomfortable, but we’ll see.” She points at her breasts and shakes her head at Adam, telling him not to think about it in that comical way of hers, mouth tight, Theo’s gaze going immediately there. “It’s alright, it’s just that Adam is traumatised from when he saw my tits when I was pregnant. He doesn’t do big tits, do you, Ads?”

  Adam shakes his head and grins at Theo. “I never said that. I just said to Theo they were a bit… epic.”

  We all fall about laughing, falling into that easy way we have with one another.

  “What’s the TV, anyway?” I ask Theo, sipping back my champagne.

  “Oh, a detective drama. I’m the bad guy. It’s only a two-part thing, but I’m giving it a shot.”

  “He’ll be the sexiest bad guy ever,” she says, grabbing his face and kissing his cheek.

  Adam and I share a secret smile, both of us a little grossed out.

  “Oh, show me some new pictures, come on! I need new little Henry pics in my life. You haven’t been on Facebook in ages.” I gesture for her to bring out her phone. “Gimme, gimme.”

  “Yeah, well… if someone would stop letting other people see my Facebook.” She throws daggers in Adam’s direction.

  He holds his hands up. “I thought we were done with all that now.”

  “Done with what?” I intervene. “Oh, you mean… Paul.”

  I’m handed the phone but look up to see Theo’s face and he looks at me with that dark, intense displeasure he has, whenever Paul is mentioned.

  “We’ve decided to forgive and forget,” Lily says dryly, “Paul got a bloody nose and a trip to the hospital, so… we’re okay. Aren’t we Adam?”

  “We’re okay. He’s not… he’s been forced into rehab.”

  I look up from scrolling through baby pictures. “Eh?”

  “His brothers took him there and barred the door until he got inside. They threatened to camp out unless he went in.”

  “Bravo, brothers,” I exclaim, “they were the only ones who could sort him out really, he saved them from Brendan so they had a duty to do the same. I hope he gets better because he was in a fucking grim state when we last saw him, wasn’t he?”

  Adam says nothing but his silence speaks volumes.

  “It all needs to get sorted out,” Lily says with a sigh, and Theo takes her hand and kisses it.

  “Ready to order?” Our waitress stops by our table with a smile and a notepad ready.

  “We haven’t even looked at the menu, sorry, we’re just catching up,” I tell her, sounding giddy, “perhaps some sort of platter to start? All the nice things.”

  “Ooh, certainly,” she says, “breads, too? How about some dips?”

  “Yes, please,” Chloe and I call at the same time, laughing.

  The waitress grins. “I’ll be right back.”

  Theo starts pouring more champagne but Adam covers his glass. “I’m driving, mate.”

  “No worries,” says Theo.

  “I think I need the bathroom,” Lily announces, signalling to me.

  Then I realise she wants me to come with.

  “Oh, yeah
… me, too…”

  I go with her and don’t pee. I fix my lippy while she does.

  She emerges with a red face and her mouth bursts with words, “Oh my god, Chlo. What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck?”

  “Erm, slow down. What the fuck, what?”

  “Everything! Paul! Adam! Tom! Your mum! You! Cole! Where do we start?”

  I grab a few paper towels and waft them in front of her face, fanning her. “First, we accept that other people can be cunts. Then, we drink. Simple as that.”

  She cackles, then she titters, then she barks with laughter in that obscene way of hers. Only someone as pretty as Lily could get away with that type of laugh.

  “But what about Cole?” she asks.

  “How would you know about that?”

  “Well, he blurted it all out to Theo on WhatsApp and was crying and all kinds of stuff. Theo told him it didn’t look good. It looked really bad.”

  “Yeah, it looks bad. I didn’t foresee this, Lily. I really didn’t. He promised me he wasn’t out there getting his rocks off with other people. He promised me he was pining for me.”

  She raises her eyebrows. “Maybe he was.”

  I grab my fake cigarette out of my handbag and hand her one. Lily has never smoked but she appreciates the old-school memory of this… how I’d smoke in the toilets on nights out until deciding which boy I was going home with.

  I loved to smoke. Still do. I just stopped when Nanna died of it.

  “I really love him, but I mean… the moment I knew Adam was single… it was… well, you know… it was…”

  “Seminal?” she asks, as if that’s the word for this situation.

  “Not quite. But… kind of. I mean, it was a moment. And now I know why we… why we… and by the way, Paul fucked Kirsty in Year 10 and that’s why he dumped you because she was gonna tell you.”

  She gesticulates with fire. “Hold up.”

  “Yep.”

  “Fucking cunt.”

  “I know! He was fucking Thirsty Kirsty.”

  “Yuck,” Lily chokes, “yuck. Good riddance to bad rubbish. My god, what did I ever see in him? I can’t imagine, not now I have Theo and Henry. Oh my god, I want more babies as well. A little girl. Maybe another little boy. Theo’s so busy, though… he’s so happy. It’s hard when we’re alone down there in Beaconsfield… it’s lovely… but it’s tough. I’m glad of this little sojourn up here to see you and Adam and even my parents. It’s lovely.”