Bad Girl

by Sarah Michelle Lynch

  How many has she had already?

  I take her by the shoulders and shake her playfully. “Don’t ever take it for granted, what you have, it’s beautiful. I wouldn’t worry, Theo’s talent… it’s going to take you both places. Your children will know the world and understand it more because of you two. You’re lucky.”

  “I know,” she says, sighing. “I really do.”

  “Okay, then let’s get drunk. Or, not too drunk.” I lower my voice. “Adam’s not drinking and it’s because he’s got a posh car.”

  We leave the toilet laughing like hyenas as she agrees with me that Adam might have to start wrapping it in cotton wool soon.

  “What’s so funny?” Theo asks, as we retake our seats.

  “Oh, we’re just wondering about Adam’s midlife crisis,” Lily says, struggling to hold her laughter in.

  Adam shakes his head and laughs, as poised as ever, only letting us know that he’s slightly peeved we’re taking the mick out of him.

  “At least I’ve got a licence and don’t drive around illegally,” he says, throwing a look at Theo, even pointing at him.

  “What, you still haven’t done your test?” I laugh.

  “What?” He shrugs. “I’ve been busy.”

  “Lily, book him in, will you? He’s a silly boy.”

  “He gets performance anxiety,” she says, blowing a raspberry, “that’s his excuse.”

  Adam and I look at one another, shaking our heads and scoffing. There’s a moment, though. A tiny spark of recognition that passes between us. Adam takes my hand under the table and squeezes it. I squeeze back.

  He doesn’t let go.

  It feels so right and it feels so good.

  Do I feel bad about Cole?

  Yes… no… maybe.

  I don’t know.

  The truth is, if you’ve lived a life and you’ve loved, how can your heart ever truly belong to just one person? Can we only ever be faithful to who we’re with in the moment?

  I don’t know.

  All I know is that his hand feels good. It feels safe and steady and sure.

  I was never sure of Cole.

  I saw his wandering eye.

  It might have been okay if he’d been open and honest and told me that he was having sex with other women to satisfy his urges. If he’d been honest, and told me that, maybe I would have understood.

  But he lied.

  Outright, too.

  For all I know, in the ten months since I left Australia, he may have had a dozen other lovers… maybe more. It’s lucky I had a smear lately and got tested for everything, just in case.

  The truth is, bar Cole for that week and a half, I haven’t been fucking around since I got back to the UK.

  And there’s only one reason for that…

  Adam.

  Chapter Twenty

  Adam drives me home safely, whizzing us through the streets in his little sports car. I catch a glimpse of him now and again. He seems happy. He looks handsome. I’m happy, too. We had a great evening filled with food, friends and anecdotes. I couldn’t ask for better friends in them all. I do miss Saskia, she’s the only one I don’t have to pretend with, but I also know that she’s got her own issues and she’s got to move on, too. We will all have to, sometime or another, we all need to move on and start new chapters.

  He pulls up outside my house and I don’t know what to say. He’s just smiling, his hands on his precious steering wheel.

  “Thank you for tonight,” I murmur, “earlier, I honestly thought this day was going to end with my head in a bucket, but it’s been great.”

  “Well, Lily arranged it really.”

  “I know, but I’m happy we were all together. It means a lot to me.”

  “I know.”

  “They’re really happy, aren’t they? Henry is adorable.”

  “I’m happy for them, Theo went through hell waiting for her.”

  “I’m sure he did.”

  He taps his fingers, like he’s waiting for me to get out.

  “Do you want to come in for a cup of tea?”

  “I better get home,” he says.

  “It would just be a cup of tea.”

  “I think you should talk to Cole,” he says, irritated.

  “Why?”

  “Well, he’s probably desperate to explain himself… to talk to you. I think these things should be sorted out rather than leaving them to fester.”

  “And you’d know?” I gasp.

  “I didn’t, but I do now,” he says, “learnt the hard way.”

  There’s silence and I’m looking down into my lap when he adds, “You didn’t open your gift earlier. It’s in the kitchen. Don’t forget.”

  “Okay.”

  He leans over and kisses my cheek, holding his mouth to my skin for a long time.

  “Happy birthday, beautiful,” he says, his breath against my cheek, in my hair.

  “Thank you,” I whisper in a breathy voice, my stomach churning.

  I unbuckle myself and he jumps out of the car, rounds it quickly, ready to help me out. He’s never driven me before but does he do this with every girl? He even did it at the restaurant… holding the door for me when we went in, then when we went out.

  I right myself on the pavement, pulling my dress down and my fur coat back into place. We stand staring at one another, smiling awkwardly, then he shuts the passenger door and grins.

  “Call me tomorrow, Chloe?”

  “Really?”

  He smiles knowingly, that little playful look in his eyes making me so happy.

  “Of course,” he says, “call me.”

  I watch him drive away, then I take one step at a time towards my front door, knowing what must come next.

  I lock myself in the house and kick my shoes off on the way to the kitchen. Firstly, I pour wine, then I take another forkful of my somewhat spoiled birthday cake. I grab the package Adam brought earlier and grin as I spot the balloons in the corner. I thought he bought them himself but perhaps Lily prompted him with those? I wonder…

  I tear open the package and discover the most ridiculous onesie. I unfold it and it’s a zebra print with even a hood to match and fur for the hair, plus a tail. It’s absolute lunacy. I laugh out loud. I see why he didn’t prompt me earlier to open it. It’s only really for now… for bedtime.

  I take my wine upstairs, undress and get into my onesie. I put my phone on charge by the side of the bed and take a few deep breaths. Then I switch it back on.

  It constantly pings with message after message. Once it’s done, I open WhatsApp to read them all, glass of wine still in my hand.

  Baby, I’m in hell. Please call me when you get this.

  Okay. Theo says they’re taking you out tonight. Please call after that?

  Are you there? Please call ASAP.

  I don’t know what to say other than I’m sorry. I fucked up. I don’t know how people make it work, I really don’t. I seem to fuck it up every time. Please, say there’s still a chance!

  The messages go on, in the same vein, so I send him one: I’m ready to talk

  I throw back the rest of my wine and he appears online, then a second later, he’s calling.

  I have no idea what I’m going to say. I press the green button and he comes into focus.

  He’s behind his desk at home and he’s there shirtless, his hands steepled in front of him, his eyes red, his face sunken. He’s been crying all night, maybe.

  Good.

  “You got rid of her, then?” I start, because I can see he’s waiting for me to rip into him.

  “She’s gone,” he says.

  “Who was she?”

  He shakes his head, mostly at himself, I think. “An intern.”

  “How many have there been?” I ask, remaining calm, collected… needing information.

  “A few,” he admits, looking away from the camera.

  “We could have got through this if you’d just been honest.”

  “I didn’t k
now where I stood.”

  “I would’ve been cool. I left you behind, rejected your first proposal… I would’ve understood. But you came here, told me there hadn’t been anyone, and worse, you told me you would wait until I got back. There have been so many false promises and where do they end?”

  “So, you can tell me hand on heart you haven’t slept with anyone else since last May?”

  I put my hand on my heart. “Yes.”

  I stare into the camera and I see he doesn’t believe me.

  That’s the problem.

  That’s why he did this.

  He doesn’t trust me.

  “You went out with them tonight?” he asks. “Was Adam there?”

  “Yes.”

  He sits back in his chair, head bowed. “And nothing happened?”

  “Nothing happened. Just four friends eating and chatting.” And the most glorious hand holding beneath the table, a bunch of balloons and the onesie I’m now wearing… his smile and hair… god, his smile. “He dropped me home and told me to call you.”

  Cole shakes his head, his mouth trembling. “I can’t compete with that guy, he’s too good.”

  “Yeah, he is,” I tell Cole. “And maybe the truth is, you and I… we are too similar. We’re adventurers and we’re big personalities and we’re bold and we’re fun. But are we the right recipe for a future? Because it feels to me like if it’s not you mistrusting me, it’s me mistrusting myself, and now it’s gonna be me mistrusting you, too because you have form now. I don’t know if I can ever trust you again.”

  “I like that we’re similar,” he says, “I want someone like you. I don’t want someone who doesn’t challenge me.”

  I turn my face and wipe away a tear. “I need to finish the course and pass the bar.”

  “Then let me come there and be with you?” He sounds hollow, like I’ve emaciated his strength… his heart… his hope.

  I lift my eyes and look at him through the camera, which will never compare to the real thing, but still, it will have to do.

  “And will you ever fully trust me, Cole?”

  He looks up at the ceiling, loses his breath, then inhales shakily. He trembles, visibly, a tear shooting down his face.

  “I don’t know, Chlo.”

  Everything hits me… the beautiful sunsets we shared… the time we recently spent together, locked in each other’s arms, like nothing could touch us… like we were destined to be forever entwined.

  “I could hardly breathe when you left this house for home.” I take a shaky breath, trembling just thinking about it. “I struggled so much. I’d let you inside me. Not just your cock and your sperm, but I’d given you my confidence and everything I’d never given anyone before. I was so vulnerable and I begged you not to go. You went anyway. I begged you. I got on my hands and knees and I begged you. Maybe we don’t live in a perfect world. Maybe you’d have been blacklisted if you didn’t get back to your job on time. Maybe… I don’t know, your parents wouldn’t have forgiven you for not going back. Who knows? But you could have stayed, by hook or by crook, and we’d have found a way to survive. But you left. You went. And the reason why? You wanted to test me. You wanted me to make the move and come there because you thought that would prove that I love you. And I was testing you, too. I was waiting for you to come here, make the grand gesture, do something… I don’t know, something I could feel was so real, that then I’d know, you know? I’d know this was real.” I wipe my eyes on the back of my sleeve. “And there have been so many real moments. So many. But moments don’t converge to make a future. Only love does. Real love. The type of love where’s there’s such a natural progression, things just fall into place and proposals are made because it’s time, not because it’s a last resort to make somebody do something we want them to do.” He’s rubbing his eyes, shaking his head. “Admit it. We’ve been hedging our bets all this time. You want me to be your wife because I’m probably the only hot barrister type you’ve ever come across. But you waited three, almost four years, before you dug deep enough to figure me out. The rest of the time, you were being you, being Cole Jackson… untouchable. The big man. With a girl who suited your requirements on your arm, but not quite the pushover you actually need. Because it’s true, isn’t it? I’m too complex. You feel like you’d be giving up too much by being with me because I make you vulnerable. You only showed your hand at the very last minute and the gamble didn’t pay off. Your queen slipped away… she always knew she wasn’t your priority, just a really fun companion on an epic adventure. An exotic woman from another land… someone you could have an extended holiday with, a strange romance… but you always followed her lead, you didn’t take the lead.”

  He covers his face with a hand. “I’m sorry, Chloe.”

  “Don’t be, everything happens for a reason.”

  He covers his face with his hands and I’m thinking of hanging up the call when he seems to gather himself, shaking off his anguish, looking into the camera with a strained but distinct resolve.

  “I won’t give up on you.”

  “Cole,” I exclaim, “you had your cock in another woman!”

  “It meant nothing.”

  “Well, do you know what it meant to me? Do you know?”

  He doesn’t reply.

  “Okay, well it meant that you see women as dispensable. Whatever her name, the intern, she’s a person. How do you know she isn’t in love with you? How do you know the people you’re screwing aren’t doing it to get a helping hand, blackmail you later on… how do you know? How can I love a man who’s happy to use women’s bodies? Is that how you’ve used me? Did you fall in love with me by accident? Did I start out as just an outlet, the same as the rest of them?”

  “Yes,” he groans, “yes. I admit it. I saw you and I wanted you. You said you didn’t want a relationship. I couldn’t have been happier. Finally, a woman who agreed with my own mantra. And yeah, okay, I fucking fell for you… once you were gone, I realised what I’d lost. I fucking fell for you and I never meant to.”

  I have this horrible, welling, disgusting feeling inside of me. “Do you even know how many women you’ve slept with since we got together? Since we first met?”

  His face contorts, his lip curls. “No.”

  “I’ve been with three other men since we met. Three. George, obviously. Flint, right before we came to Australia. Just the once. You knew about that. And Liam, that guy I was on-off with around about the time you and I got together. And that was probably just to say goodbye.”

  He’s shaking his head, disgusted with himself.

  “All this time… you’ve had me thinking that I’m the slag. That you can’t trust me because I’m the slag. When all this time, it was just that you were jealous of my real love, with Adam. That’s what it was. You knew I’d loved someone before you and you didn’t like that.”

  “How can you love that guy?” he shouts, his outburst shocking me, even from so many thousands of miles away. “He’s a weed. He’s not a bloke. He’s a fucking wimp. His wife walked all over him, according to what I’ve heard from other people. He’s not for you, Chloe. I am. I’m the type of man you should want. How can you love him?”

  I shake my head. So, the truth comes out. This is who he really is. He judges on appearance… on how much people can bench at the gym. He judges strength as being loud, obnoxious and callous… not to mention treacherous… thinking he could keep getting away with his betrayal. Over and over again.

  “He’s everything you’re not, you’re right.”

  He sees the change in my expression. “Chloe! You can’t be serious.”

  Something he said in one of his messages earlier triggers a thought. I look up and into his eyes. “You said you don’t know how people do this… that you always fuck it up. You’ve been here before, haven’t you? You cheated before?”

  He looks down at his lap. Says nothing. Does nothing.

  I wish we weren’t doing this over an internet connection but we are. I
wish he hadn’t left. Maybe we could’ve made it work if he’d stayed – if we’d been in each other’s pockets enough to know where the other was and what we were each doing. But that’s not what love is.

  Love is time… it’s trust… it’s honesty. I see that with Theo and Lily. I can recognise it now because I’ve seen it between them.

  “You’ve got a chance to argue your case now, Cole. Your last chance.”

  “You’ve already got your verdict; you just don’t want to be the one who puts the phone down and ends this.”

  I stare into space. “You’re not even going to fight?”

  “In January, you showed me what it could be like, to really love someone.” He looks numb, staring into space. “And I still did what I did. I did use that girl. I’ve used dozens of other women while you’ve been in my life. While you were working… while you were asleep, sometimes and I was out with my mates. I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of.” Tears fall freely down my face. “I thought you and I were cut from the same cloth, and I think, maybe we are… but I always, always knew there was a piece of you hidden, something… like a past love. I could see deep down you are a good girl really… the bravado was masking something else. I cashed in on your reluctance to commit. I made the most of our arrangement, because that was what it felt like to me. Like we could travel together, share the costs, share the experience and even share a bed, but it was an arrangement and I felt as though it wasn’t that much of a big deal to be shagging around.”

  I shake my head and rest my fist against my mouth to stop myself shouting, bawling, screaming. He deserves no reaction.

  “You gave me your love and I felt that love when we were together in January,” he admits, the veins in his face and neck popping. “And then I freaked out… decided you’d likely be shagging Adam once my back was turned, and I freaked out so bad, I jumped into bed with Hailey. That’s the girl who was here tonight.”

  I swallow my absolute shock and keep looking at the screen.