That's Why I Wrote This Song
Page 24
‘I like Eddie.’
I smile again. I’ve been through so much with Eddie.
We have a final kiss. Hold each other. Talk. As Max leaves I know that I’ll see him again.
The Festival is over. We’re heading home. I wonder what’s happening there. With Mum. She’ll break my heart if she doesn’t do her course. With Dad. I miss having a father. Can I forgive him? I’m going to ask why he left Lamb on that road.
Suddenly I think of Mum and KISS. I smile. She would have loved the Breakers Festival.
Josh parks his car just outside the security fence. Karen is packing her stuff into his boot. ‘I’m not going with you, Pip.’
‘You driving back with Josh?’
Karen shakes her head. ‘I’m not going back.’
‘Not going?’ I stare at her. What’s she talking about?
‘I’m not, Pip.’
I feel breathless. ‘But what about school? You’re smart, Karen.’
‘I can’t study the way things are.’ She shakes her head. ‘I love my mother, but she is who she is. I know that now. I’ll phone her, but I haven’t got a home there. My father…’ She shakes her head. ‘I haven’t got a home there either. You know that too.’
I want to say, ‘Don’t go, you’ve got a home.’ But it’s a lie. I want to say I’m there for her. That’s the truth.
‘Josh is driving up north, along the coast. He’s got his sax in the boot of his car. He’ll play some gigs. I can sing with him.’ Her eyes seem bluer. ‘Otherwise we’ll get casual jobs. Swim, camp, have a good time. Josh will be there for me.’
I nod. ‘What about Not Perfect?’
‘Wasn’t it fantastic to play on a real stage, Pip?’
‘We’re a band.’
‘It was a real gig, wasn’t it, Pip? Hill Stage at the Breakers Festival. That’s something to remember.’
Karen knots her blonde hair loosely around her fingers, before letting it cascade around her face. ‘I’m part of Not Perfect. I always will be. I’m just taking a break. Only for a while. I’m not giving up my music. I couldn’t.’ I try to cut in. ‘Please, Pip, don’t say anything. You know I can’t go back. I haven’t got the strength to live there.’ She puts her hand in front of her lips, closes her eyes, trying to stay in control. ‘I’ll die if I go back.’ She reaches out for my hand. ‘It’ll be good with Josh. I have a chance.’
We hold each other. I don’t want to let Karen go. All those times. The Most Talented Award as the Kindergarten Kids. Playing trumpet. Song writing. Sleepovers. Friends always.
I start crying. ‘Go, Karen. I know you have to. You have to.’
‘I’ll be back. I’ll keep in touch.’ She rests her head on my shoulder for a moment. ‘Not Perfect forever.’
‘Forever.’
The packing is finished. Our campsite is clear. It’s just the final goodbyes left.
Karen hugs us all. Then she joins Josh in the car. As they drive away, Karen looks back at us out of the car window. Her long hair flutters in the breeze. She waves until the car disappears along the dirt track.
We get into Eddie’s car and start our drive home.
Postcards
POSTCARD OF YELLOW SANDS AND BLUE SEAS
Hi Pip, Angie and Irina.
Josh and I have driven all the way up the coast now.
The beaches are amazing.
Can’t wait to play with Not Perfect again.
We’re driving back to see you all for Christmas.
Can’t wait.
Love,
Karen.
* * *
That woman had her baby. Karen’s mother is still trying to finish her renovations on her terrace. Karen rings her mother every week. Karen’s father tried to force her to go back to school. He’s now cut off all money and contact.
* * *
POSTCARD OF NOT PERFECT PLAYING AT BREAKERS (TAKEN BY MAX AT THE HILL STAGE)
INVITATION
New Year’s Eve Party
Not Perfect is playing
Pip, Angie, Irina, Karen & Eddie
At Pip & Eddie’s house
* * *
Mum cried when I told her Karen wasn’t coming back. Dad called her a ‘fool’. I refused to speak to him for a week. Mr Connelly was really upset about Karen. But he let Not Perfect keep their own Home Music Room. I miss Karen when I play trumpet. I’m lead trumpet in the school orchestra now. I miss Karen in Not Perfect. Eddie plays with us, but he’ll never be able to sing. I sing and write my songs without Karen.
* * *
POSTCARD OF INSOMNIAC ROAD
* * *
Dad’s postcard is on my pinboard, next to my poster of Billy.
Dad’s living at home again. The counsellor is helping Eddie and me, and Dad and Mum too. Dad’s less angry. He told me that he can’t even remember leaving Woolly Lamb on the road. Mum got two distinctions in the first semester of her Teaching course and Dad took us all out to celebrate. Dad still has problems accepting what Eddie and I do. But he bought me a new guitar.
* * *
POSTCARD OF ANGIE AND HER NEW BOYFRIEND WITH MAX AND PIP
* * *
Angie’s postcard is framed and hanging on my wall, next to all the other photos of Angie, Karen, Eddie and friends.
Angie’s thinking of studying Fashion Design when she finishes school. It’s a good idea. She still misses band practices, but that’s Angie. It’d break her heart if she wasn’t part of Not Perfect.
* * *
POSTCARD OF A WHITE RUSSIAN WINTER WITH THE SUN SETTING OVER THE LAND
* * *
INVITATION
We invite you to share with our family the Shabbat dinner on Friday night.
* * *
The dinner is different from an ordinary meal. There are small glasses filled with red wine, two lighted candles and two loaves of braided bread covered with an embroidered linen cloth. We drink the sweet wine. Then Irina’s father lifts the linen cloth, blesses us all, blesses our country, then tears the bread and dips the pieces in salt to honour God. We eat the bread. Irina’s mother is so proud of her cooking. Afterwards Irina plays the piano. It’s beautiful and her father puts his arm on Dad’s and says, ‘Irina is a special daughter.’
My father looks at me. ‘Yes.’ He nods. ‘Like Pip.’ A splash of warmth darts through me.
Irina is special. She plays the drums like she’s inspired. Her father doesn’t talk about her drums any more. Her mother accepts anything Irina does.
* * *
POSTCARD OF MY NEW SONG
What’s happened is in the past
And I won’t keep looking back
There’s so much ahead
Moving so fast
I’ll step up to face my fears
I’ll step up
Step up
Step up
No more tears
No more fears…
* * *
Barbed Wire is playing at the Beach Pavilion for the Summer Music Festival. I love Max. A shiver runs down my back. ‘Love’ is a scary word.
I want Not Perfect to play at the Festival too. I’ll have to persuade Karen to stay. For a while, at least. Surf and music and us. She’s not telling her father that she’s back for Christmas. I hope he doesn’t find out.
I plonk Fluffy Rabbit next to me and take out my photo album. The Kindergarten Kids, funny shots of Not Perfect with white bandannas around our heads, Mr Connelly in a school orchestra photo. I look awful in that photo. Us at Rockfest. Eddie screaming on the Bungie Pod. He was so sick from that ride, even though he didn’t admit it. I start to laugh at the shot of Mum holding up her secret shoebox. KISS isn’t a secret any more.
I put on my CD of Insomniac Road and listen for a while. I take out my guitar, play along, humming with the songs, until my room’s filled with music and Billy and I are singing.
Lyrics
Psycho Dad
VERSE 1
All of the times I cried
I wish yo
u’d just die
Shouting and all the rest
But now I have learned best
What you did was wrong
That’s why I wrote this song
So maybe you would see
Just what you have done to me
CHORUS
’Cause I don’t want you
And I don’t need you
You were so bad
You were my psycho dad
VERSE 2
You call me all the time
You won’t give us a dime
I can’t believe this is real
The way you made me feel
You have your new wife
And your new life
My eyes are getting sore
So just walk out that door
CHORUS
’Cause I don’t want you
And I don’t need you
Your life is so sad
You are a psycho dad
’Cause I don’t want you
And I don’t need you
Your life is so sad
You are a psycho dad
MIDDLE 8
I (I) really (really) don’t know how (don’t know how)
But I (But I) know I (know I)
Hate you so much now
I (I) really (really) don’t know how (don’t know how)
But I (But I) know I (know I)
Hate you so much now
VERSE 3
You made me feel always scared
I knew you never cared
You left me all broken and scarred
And made our life so hard
I’ve got my family
And I hope you can see
That I don’t want you around
I’ve got my feet on the ground
CHORUS
’Cause I don’t want you
And I don’t need you
You are so mad
You are no one’s psycho dad
’Cause I don’t want you
And I don’t need you
You are so mad
You are no one’s psycho dad
OUTRO
No one’s psycho dad
No one’s psycho dad
No one’s psycho dad
No one’s psycho dad…
I Wanna Be Found
CHORUS
Why do I feel so alone
Like I’m standing here all by myself
When there are people all around
I am lost but I wanna be found
VERSE 1
Everyone wants me to be
Some great success and be the best
But I can never be who they want
And I’m here to protest
CHORUS
Why do I feel so alone
Like I’m standing here all by myself
When there are people all around
I am lost but I wanna be found
VERSE 2
No one hears me screaming
And no one hears my pain
Can anybody see me?
I feel like I’m going insane
CHORUS
Why do I feel so alone
Like I’m standing here all by myself
When there are people all around
I am lost but I wanna be found
INTERLUDE
Come find me
Come find me
Can you please come and find me?
Won’t someone come and find me?
MIDDLE 8
Everything is blurred
Between what’s real and in your head
Will I wake from this nightmare
Or continue to be dead?
CHORUS
Why do I feel so alone
Like I’m standing here all by myself
When there are people all around
I am lost but I wanna be found
CHORUS
Why do I feel so alone
Like I’m standing here all by myself
When there are people all around
I am lost but I wanna be found
OUTRO
Why do I feel so alone (Why do I feel)
Like I’m standing here all by myself
When there are people all around (When they’re around)
I am lost but I wanna be found
Why do I feel so alone (Why do I feel)
Like I’m standing here all by myself
When there are people all around (When they’re around)
I am lost but I want to be found
Why do I feel so alone
Like I’m standing here all by myself
When there are people all around
I am lost but I want to be found
About the Music
Rock bands, concerts, festivals…
Music is the language of youth
Music explores:
WHY AM I HERE?
WHERE AM I GOING?
FATHERS AND DAUGHTERS?
BOYS?
Tory lives her music.
She initiated her mother into the world of rock the bands, mosh pits, the passion, the quest. And together they created
That’s Why I Wrote This Song.
Susanne wrote the book and Tory wrote the songs about
a girl rock band in search of love, life and independence.
Listen to Tory’s songs at www.harpercollins.com.au
See the video clip at www.sgervay.com
Songs produced by Tony Buchen (Buchman), Brighton Boulevard Productions Australia
www.remotecontrolrecords.com.au
Video of ‘Psycho Dad’ produced by Rachel Guerry, Australia
Author’s Note
Psycho Dad the video is Rachel Guerry’s creative filmic interpretation of the song ‘Psycho Dad’ and the novel That’s Why I Wrote This Song. The CD, produced by Tony Buchen, is the soundtrack for the video, exploring the relationships between fathers and their daughters.
The video follows Pip and her psycho dad. Pip is drowning in tears in the face of her aggressive father. With the support of her brother, mother, music and her band of girlfriends, she reclaims her power, throwing away the tears. The father is left alone, rethinking his actions.
The video was written, produced, directed, edited by young film-maker Rachel Guerry, who has a BA in Communication (Media Arts and Production) from the University of Technology, Sydney.
The director of photography, cameraman and special-effects editor Martyn Taylor has directed music clips and short films and has also worked on feature films.
The assistant director Mark Ure is a trained actor who has worked in TV and commercials and was the production coordinator for the Sydney Film Festival.
Eddie Tang was first assistant director. He is an actor who also worked as on Australian films Little Fish and Candy.
The psycho dad was played by Peter Carmody, a well-known Australian actor and director who founded the Griffin Theatre. In 2007 he won the Best Actor Award at Sydney’s Short & Sweet film.
Susanne Gervay, the author and executive producer, played Pip’s mother.
The band: Pip—played by Tullia Mawter, who performs in student musicals and plays; Karen—played by Danielle Nicholson, a trained actor who has been in short films and plays; Angie—played by Trish Cassimatis, violinist in the Sydney Youth Orchestra; Irina—played by Cat Hunter, a music scholarship student drums
Other actors: Eddie, the brother—Mark Ure; Other woman—Beth Webb; Lead kids—Len Gervay, Jamie Ruben and Eve Guerry; Other kids—Nathan Guerry, Meagan Lee, Sarah Urwand, Emily Staniforth, Shevaughn Mawter, Adam Finger, Kate Bruxner, Brooke Selby, Khan Arda, Janice Zets and Tory Gervay
Camera/Lighting assistant:Victor Tang
Camera operators: Toni Zipevski and Shannon Selby
Camera Assistant, Assistant Editor: Nathan Guerry
Assistant Editor: Ilan Bermeister
Lighting: Richard Hawking
Make-up, Wardrobe: Mia Kern
Stills Photography: Rick
Munitz
Runners: Annette Guerry, Evelyn Foltyn, Jeni Mawter, Beth Webb, Khan Arda
Catering: Mark Eldridge, the Hughenden Boutique Hotel
Film locations: provided by Shannon Selby and Annette Guerry
Author’s Acknowledgments
My beautiful daughter Tory is the driving force behind That’s Why I Wrote This Song. Tory and I have been through a great deal together, facing my life-threatening illnesses, divorce, blending families, the restoration of my hotel, the Hughenden, the recent loss of her beloved grandmother Veronika, the loss of her grandfather Zoltan, and dealing with cultural identity issues. So when she wanted to celebrate our relationship with a book, I felt privileged. That’s Why I Wrote This Song is a testament to our journey together as mother and daughter. I want to thank her for her music and lyrics and love.
The book was difficult to write, as I had to live youth music culture. I put aside Pavarotti to embrace rock. Thank you to my son Jamie and my husband Bill, as well as Tory, for immersing me in the rock music scene, with all its drama, humour and passion.
A special thank you to Nora Zitserman, who so generously shared her life as a girl in Russia and her migration to Australia. She gave truth to my much-loved character Irina and her parents.