“I’ll just take these out to the car,” she said. Moments later, Val and the children followed, hand in hand. When they got to the car, Val squatted down in front of Ian and took his face gently in her hands.
“Be a good boy, okay?”
“’K.” Val kissed him on the forehead, then straightened and put her hands on Lily’s shoulders.
“You be good, too, Lil.” Lily shrugged one shoulder and looked away. Val dipped her head to catch Lily’s eyes. “You’ve got this, kiddo.” She tapped Lily’s new pendant with her finger. “Remember.”
Val opened the car door and buckled Ian in his seat while Paige let Lily in on the other side. She came back around to the driver’s side and paused.
“You okay?”
Val stepped back and shoved her hands in her pockets, her expression wooden. “I’m good.”
“I’m sorry,” Paige said.
“It’s…whatever. Drive safe.” She took another step back dismissively and looked away.
“Okay, then. Take care, Val.”
Val waved to the kids as Paige backed out of the driveway. Heading down the street, with the kids sniffling in the back seat, Paige felt like gum on the bottom of the universal shoe.
Chapter Twenty-six
Having children, no matter how briefly, had changed things. Sliding back into her old routine hadn’t been easy for Val. When she made her lunch in the morning, she found herself thinking about which kind of jelly Ian preferred on his PB&J. She glanced at the door every time a school bus rumbled by, and on more than one occasion, she’d realized she was humming the coqui song in her head. Lily and Ian entered her thoughts frequently, and not knowing how they were doing was tough.
Unfortunately, though the kids were gone, Val’s nightmares had stuck around, continuing to rob her of much-needed sleep. Old memories had even begun surfacing in her waking hours, making it hard to focus. It was getting to be a problem. As much as she didn’t want to, maybe she really did need to give therapy another shot. Couldn’t hurt, right?
* * *
Two weeks later, Val entered the lobby of Susan Brown’s building for her first therapy appointment in eleven years. To say she was nervous was an understatement, as her sweaty palms and churning stomach could confirm. She got on the elevator, took out her phone, and started a game of Candy Crush to distract herself.
After checking in with the receptionist in Susan’s office and filling out some paperwork, Val took a seat to wait, which had never been her strong suit. Knee bouncing, Val glanced at the magazines on the table beside her. Front and center, a headline jumped out at her: What Are Your Dreams Trying to Tell You?
Really, Universe? Is this your idea of a not-so-subtle hint? Val smiled to herself, thinking about Connie’s there-are-no-coincidences life view. Val reached for the magazine.
“Valerie.” Val looked up at the sound of the warm, instantly familiar voice. Susan smiled in welcome. “It’s good to see you. Come on in.”
Val followed Susan to her office. The space was warm and inviting but did little to settle Val’s nerves. She took a seat on one of the comfortable dove-gray armchairs. Hung on the wall opposite her was a painting, the very same seascape that Val had stared at dozens of times during her high school sessions with Susan. She flushed hot as her heart tried to beat out of her chest.
“Val. Look at me,” Susan commanded gently. Val made eye contact but immediately looked away. She felt like this woman could see right through her to the ugliest parts of her soul.
“Sorry. I’m just nervous.”
“I know.”
Val instantly remembered why she had liked Susan. Her voice was low and calming, and her eyes conveyed acceptance and compassion.
“I imagine a lot has happened in your life since high school. Tell me what you’ve been up to since we saw each other last.”
Okay, safe topic. Breathe. Val told Susan about college and her work as a children’s librarian.
“That’s wonderful. You’ve done very well for yourself,” Susan said, “which leads us to what brought you in to see me.”
“I recently became a foster parent.”
“Wow, that’s a big deal.”
“Yeah, well, I started having nightmares again, like before. A lot of them. I don’t even want to go to bed at night.”
Susan nodded. “That doesn’t surprise me at all.”
“It doesn’t?”
“You entered the system again, even if as a foster parent this time. I can see how that could be a pretty powerful trigger for memories.”
“I have remembered a lot of things I haven’t thought about in years,” Val said, “but why the nightmares?”
“My guess is there are some significant parts of your history that you haven’t fully acknowledged or come to terms with. The dreams are letting you know that you’ve got some unfinished business.”
Val nodded. She knew there was truth to what Susan said, and ignoring it wouldn’t make it go away this time.
“That’s why I’m here, Doc.”
* * *
“Em, you got another letter today,” Paige said as she sorted through the mail.
Emma jumped up from the puzzle she was doing on the floor. “Ooh, lemme see.” She tore open the envelope and ran off to her room with the contents.
Paige shook her head, smiling. “Crazy kid.” Emma and Lily had really gotten into the whole pen pal idea. Thankfully Sheryl Watkins was helping out on the other end. A few minutes later, Emma came back in the room, far more subdued.
“How’s Lily?” Paige asked.
“She’s sad. There’s a girl in her class being mean to her, and her aunt’s cat died. She wants to come back home.”
Paige sighed and opened her arms as Emma’s eyes filled with tears.
“Come here, baby.” She hugged Emma and stroked her hair. “I know you feel bad for Lily, but that’s her home now. Things will get better.”
Emma pulled away. “You don’t know that, Mommy. I don’t understand why they can’t just let Lily live where she’s happy. She told them she doesn’t want to stay there, but they’re making her.”
Paige didn’t like the sound of that. If Lily wasn’t adjusting to the move, that would make things difficult for the family moving forward. She was due to follow up with them this week anyway—sounded like she’d better call sooner than later.
“I know it doesn’t seem fair, Em. All you can do is keep being a good friend.”
As Paige lay in bed that night, she couldn’t stop thinking about her own words…and Val. They’d had no contact since the day she took the kids, though Paige had thought of her several times. They’d had a connection, but she’d let Val push her away. Paige’s stomach hurt as she thought of Val now, picturing her beautiful face awash with tears.
“I am such an asshole.” Paige needed to reach out to Val. Maybe she wouldn’t want to have anything more to do with her, but Paige needed to take that chance.
Chapter Twenty-seven
Val was shelving books in the teen fiction section when Linda sought her out. “Val, there’s a call for you.”
Back at the circulation desk, Val picked up the line. “Hello, this is Valerie. May I help you?”
“Val, hi. It’s Paige.”
Val’s heart skipped a beat. “Paige…hi.”
“How are you?”
Exhausted and going through the motions, that’s how. “Okay, you?”
“I’m fine. Hey, I was wondering if you’d like to grab lunch or coffee sometime this week and, you know, talk.”
Part of Val was excited that Paige wanted to see her, but her cynical side didn’t see the point. Paige’s voice interrupted the internal battle.
“Val, are you there?”
“Yeah, sorry. I guess we could do coffee.”
“Great. That’s great.” Paige sounded nervous. “How about tomorrow after work? I don’t have to pick up Emma until five thirty.”
“Okay. Where?”
“I
s Cuppa Josie’s okay with you?”
“That’s fine. Guess I’ll see you then,” Val replied.
“Yes, you will. Bye, Val.”
“Huh,” Val said, apparently aloud, because Linda asked if everything was all right.
“Yeah, just an unexpected call. I’m going to be in the office for a bit—I have to finish the flyers for next month’s book club.”
Once Val was in the office, she closed the door and sat on the edge of her desk. Why did hearing from Paige have her in such a twist? Now that the kids were gone, Paige no longer had any reason to contact her, but she had. Val had already convinced herself that the feelings they shared for each other were just collateral damage from the foster care process, just another loss she’d have to get over. But Paige was reaching out. What did that even mean?
Half an hour later, Val sat staring at the untouched flyer on her computer, daydreaming about the lovely woman with the golden hair and kind eyes.
* * *
Sipping her macchiato, Paige watched the door of the busy coffee shop. She knew Val was supposed to get off work fifteen minutes ago, but she’d yet to arrive. Paige’s hands were sweaty on her cup as she imagined all the ways this meeting could go wrong. Was Val pissed at her for not reaching out before now? Did she still have the walls up that made Paige feel cast aside? Maybe she’d just be a no-show, leaving Paige with even more questions. Paige pulled out her phone as a distraction to try to keep the what-ifs from running away with her mind. She busied herself scrolling through and deleting emails.
“Hi.”
Paige looked up to see Val.
“Hi. I didn’t see you come in,” Paige replied, feeling even more nervous.
Val smiled. “You were pretty engrossed in your phone. I’m going to go order—be right back.”
As Val stood in line at the counter, Paige had the opportunity to really look, and Val looked incredible. Her hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail that lay over her right shoulder. The tangerine blouse she wore complemented her glowing skin, and tan dress pants fit all her curves to perfection. A man joined the queue behind Val and rather blatantly checked her out. Paige was instantly irritated at the guy, until she realized she’d been doing the exact same thing, albeit not as creepily. Val didn’t seem to be aware of the ogling, thankfully, and a few minutes later, she returned to the table with her drink.
“So…how’s it going?” Val asked, taking a seat.
“Good, good. How have you been?”
“Oh, you, know…living the dream,” Val replied sardonically, rolling her eyes.
“Listen, Val, I’m sorry I didn’t check in with you sooner. The last time we saw each other was difficult, with the kids and—”
“It’s fine. It’s not your job to check up on me. Anyway, I’m good,” Val said, with a slight lift of her chin that almost dared Paige to disagree with that statement.
“Oh, okay. That’s good to hear. I was kind of worried,” Paige said, clearly seeing the wall go up in Val’s eyes.
“What for? Do you worry about other foster parents, too?”
Paige felt her face flush hot. Ouch. “It’s not because you’re a foster parent. You know you mean more to me than that.” She looked away.
“Sorry,” Val said, her tone softer. “I appreciate your concern, but I told you, I’m fine.”
“Emma and Lily are pen pals now,” Paige blurted, watching Val’s face.
“Cool.” Val shrugged and looked away, then reached back to rub her neck. Paige knew she’d hit a nerve.
Did she have any freaking idea how stubborn she was? “Val, you can’t just pretend the whole experience with the kids didn’t affect you.”
Val looked up, eyes flashing. “Oh, I can’t? Suddenly you get to tell me how to feel? You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Maybe I understand more than you think. I get loss. I get abandonment. Growing up—”
“Now you want to compare childhood miseries? I think I win.”
Paige was stung by Val’s words, but she also knew Val was using her pain to push her away.
“I don’t want to compare. I just want to understand.”
“Why?”
“Because I care about you, okay?”
Val blinked at her for a moment, then looked away. “You don’t need to waste your time caring about me. I’m fine. I’m always fine.”
“I don’t believe that, and I don’t think you do, either.”
“I’m not going to do this here,” Val said, her tone measured and low.
“I agree. Let’s go out to my car, where we can talk in private,” Paige said, standing.
“We don’t need to—”
“Ugh, Val, just come on.” Paige walked out of the coffee shop and toward her car, hoping like hell that Val was following. She unlocked her car and slid into the driver’s seat, refusing to look. Nearly a minute went by before the passenger door opened and Val got in.
Paige looked over at her. “Thank you.”
“Can I tell you something?” Val said.
Paige nodded, taking in Val’s flushed face and shining eyes.
“You’re pretty sexy when you get all bossy like that.”
“And you’re sexy as hell when you’re mad,” Paige shot back, then bit her lip, shocked that she’d actually said that out loud.
“At least we can agree on something,” Val said, smiling. “Look, Paige, I’m not good at the whole let’s talk about our feelings thing. I’ve spent a lot of years keeping to myself, and I know it’s maybe not the healthiest way to go through life, but it’s worked for me.”
“I get it, Val, and I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable. If we’re being honest here, there’s just something about you that makes me want to know more.”
Val reached over and gently pulled a strand of Paige’s hair through her fingers. “There’s something about you that makes me want to tell you,” she said quietly. She looked into Paige’s eyes, and Paige felt the intensity shoot straight to her groin.
“Come home with me,” Paige said. Val’s eyebrows shot up, and Paige’s cheeks flamed. “I mean, I have to go get Emma, but then I can make us some dinner and we can continue our conversation.”
“Okay.”
“Really?”
“Lead the way,” Val replied, opening her door. “I’m parked just over there. Give me a minute, and I’ll follow you.”
Paige drove to the elementary school, checking her rearview mirror every ten seconds. The most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen thinks I’m sexy. How is this even happening?
Val waited while she went in to collect Emma, then they continued on their way.
“Em, Miss Val is going to come have dinner with us tonight. She’s following right behind us.”
Emma craned her head around to look, then waved out the back window. “Cool. Can we have hot dogs?”
Paige smiled. “I think I need to do better than that for a guest. How about pasta?”
“With meatballs?”
“Sure.”
“Yay! I bet Miss Val will like that.” Emma chattered on all the way home, while Paige relived the moment when Val touched her hair and set her body on fire.
* * *
“That was the best meal I’ve had in forever,” Val said, sitting back in her chair with a sigh.
Paige laughed. “Spaghetti and meatballs? You’ve got to broaden your horizons.”
“I don’t really cook for just me. I haven’t even turned the oven on since…” She shot a look at Emma, who was happily slurping up the last of her spaghetti.
“I know,” Paige said. “Emma, go on and get cleaned up, and then do your homework.”
“Aw, do I have to? I wanna hang out with you guys.”
“Miss Val and I have some grown-up stuff to talk about. You can do your homework, and then watch TV in my room. Deal?”
“I guess,” Emma said and headed off to the bathroom.
“I’ll take care of the dishes later,” Pai
ge said, moving toward the living room. “Come, sit.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Val replied, giving a two-finger salute.
“What? I’m being bossy again?”
“Nah, I’m just playing.” Val sat on the couch, and Paige took the chair adjacent to her.
“So,” Paige said, smiling.
“So,” Val echoed. “Apparently you’re interested in my sordid past, although I can’t imagine why.”
“Well, you’re interesting, and a little mysterious. That intrigues me,” Paige replied, surprised at her own boldness.
“Wow. Most people think I’m just boring and unapproachable.”
“A persona you’ve cultivated, I’m thinking,” Paige replied.
Val looked at her in surprise. “Are you usually so direct?”
“Actually, no. Sorry if that was rude. Maybe I’ve been hanging around Connie too much,” Paige replied, chagrined.
“You’re not wrong. My therapist would call it a defense mechanism.”
“Ah, so that’s the million-dollar question—what are you defending against?”
Val shifted in her seat and didn’t respond.
Paige groaned inwardly. You’re pushing too hard, idiot. What makes you think she’ll open up to you?
An agonizing minute passed, then two. Paige forced herself to be still and wait.
“Nearly everyone I’ve let past my defenses has hurt me,” Val said, quietly, “with the exception of Sasha and Connie. Putting myself out there generally isn’t worth the risk, and trusting people is just…hard.”
Val had her arms wrapped tightly across her belly, and a frown creased her brow as she stared at some distant point on the floor. Her vulnerability made Paige’s heart ache.
“Can I ask a question?” Paige said. Val looked at her and nodded. “How old were you when you went into foster care?”
“Nine.”
Paige thought about Emma, who would be nine in the summer. So young. “Do you remember what happened?”
Val laid her head on the back of the couch and gazed at the ceiling for a moment before speaking.
Taking Chances Page 15