by Shelly Davis
I’m so pathetic. Lost to the black void of whatever this thing was with Todd. It couldn’t possibly be called a relationship, because there was nothing about this that was a relationship. I had to get away. I had to leave, walk out the door; I had to get the hell outta there before he killed me. He was never gonna force me to do anything, ever again. It was disgusting that I let this happen. I hid the bruises with long sleeves and high collars. I pretended I was fine. I acted happy and in love just so no one would see how weak I’d become. I was pathetic, useless, and sad, Todd made sure of it.
“Where the fuck do you think you’re goin’, whore? We ain’t done here,” he growled as I tried to leave. “We ain’t done until I say we’re done.” Shoving me face-first to the floor, he pressed himself into me from behind and slid his hand around me. His hand slid down my pants and I could feel his arousal pressing into the back of me.
“Stop, Todd. Please, let me go,” I begged. It never helped, I had no idea why I continued to ask him to stop.
Ignoring my pleas, he pulled my pants from me. He pressed into me from behind, hard and fast. I couldn’t move or fight with his weight pressing me to the floor. Pinned to the ground I felt like he was ripping me in apart. He slid his hands around the back of my neck, his fingers meeting at my throat and pressing. Gasping in order to pull in enough air, the room was dark around the edges from the pain and the lack of oxygen entering my lungs.
After what seemed like an eternity, he moved off my back. I turned to my side and gasped for air, but I couldn’t catch my breath. Pain and total despair had me wishing for the sanctity of oblivion. I was sure I would never survive the emotional turmoil that burned through my body every time he forced himself on me. I hated myself for allowing him to do this to me. I felt weak, pathetic; powerless. Sometimes I wondered if my life was even worth living.
After a few long moments, I dressed, resolved to never allow him to do this to me again. I had to get away. If I didn’t get away now, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to go on.
He sat up on the chair and glared at me while I slid my pants over my feet. Traces of blood dotted the inside of my thigh. The sight of the red on my pale sickly skin enraged me. Visions of what my life would become if I didn’t get away flashed through my mind. Nothing but blood, tears, and death was all I had to look forward to. This wasn’t the first time he made me bleed, but it damn well was going to be the last. The desolation I was feeling only moments ago, morphed into unadulterated fury. When I got up to leave he spoke, “Where the fuck do you think you’re going? I didn’t say you could leave.”
With fire in my heart and hatred coursing through me, I whispered, “I’m goin’ home.”
He scowled, “No, you ain’t. You ain’t going anywhere.”
I sucked in a deep breath and tried to calm myself down. I had to get out of here with as little problem as possible. “Todd, this is our last family dinner before I move to Mooresville.”
He was up and in my face and I knew where my mistake was. We never talked about Mooresville or school. I don’t know if he thought I’d change my mind or what, but this was not what he wanted to hear. “What do you mean move to Mooresville?” he growled.
I sighed; my frame trembled from my fury and my fear. I backed away and without a word ran down the attic steps. I just wanted to get as far away from him as I could. At least if I could get to where his mom was, he wouldn’t hit me outright. Reaching the top of the second floor steps, freedom was in my sight but it was lost when he grabbed my arm. He pulled back on me, hard. Pain shot through my shoulder and I prayed he wouldn’t cause me too much damage.
“We ain’t finished, Antonia. You ain’t moving to fuckin’ Mooresville. You need to put this little dream of yours out of your goddamned head. You’re mine. I told you, I’ll never let you leave,” he growled at me.
He didn’t even seem to like me, why would he want to continue this relationship? The questions must have been written all across my features because he let out a laugh which both infuriated me and terrified me. He slid a finger down my cheek and across my chest. All I could do was let out a whimpered, “Why?”
“Because, Antonia.” He said my name like some kind of curse. Hatred and disgust were plastered all over his face. He detested me and I still couldn’t figure out, if he hated me so much, why he didn’t just let me go. “I’ll be the best, I’ll have the best, and everyone’ll envy me. My brothers think you’re hot shit. So I’ll have the hottest wife, the farm, the perfect life. Your job won’t be to work on cars, it’ll be to work on the farm and raise all of our children.”
He wanted me, did this to me, because his brothers like me? “But you … you say I disgust you,” I practically growled out. Anger overshadowing my fear, fueling my defiance. Fuck him, I was getting the hell out of here.
“Oh, you do disgust me. You’re a fuckin’ cow who can’t do a damn thing right. But all of my brothers love looking at you. So I’m gonna give them somethin’ to drool over.”
I pulled back from him and he let me go. I was dumbfounded by what he’d just said. He only wanted me because of his brothers? Why would he think anyone would stay in a marriage like that? I knew it was now or never. If I didn’t break away, it would kill me. One way or another he would kill me. I ran down the steps toward the front door and made it to the porch when he stopped me again. He slammed the door open, hitting me from behind. I slipped and fell on the rain soaked porch. The rain was pouring down in sheets as thunder echoed through the valley. I pulled myself up with the railing and tried to turn but he grabbed my arm and spun me toward him again. “You ain’t goin’. Call your dad and tell him somethin’ came up.”
I backed up toward the steps, praying he didn’t push me down them. “I’m not stayin’, Todd. I’m not marryin’ you, I’m not gonna work on this damn farm. I’m movin’ to Mooresville and attendin’ school. This …” I paused and tried to calm my pounding heart. “This is over.”
I turned and ran the rest of the way down the steps and toward my car. I just wanted to get out of there. I had to get to my car and locked in before he could get to me. I opened the door and was ready to slip inside.
He slammed into me, pinning me to the side of my car. He pressed himself into my back. His body surrounded mine, making me quake with fear. He backed off just enough to spin me around and slam me into the car, hard. I felt the impact through my entire form as it vibrated down my spine. He glared into my eyes; the fury burning inside of him was terrifying.
He pulled me off the car and slammed me into the side again, knocking the breath out of me. Tears poured down my cheeks, mixing with the rain as it drenched us completely. He pulled me back and slammed me into the car repeatedly until I was feeling nauseous and light-headed. The anger in his face was worse than I had ever seen. His blue eyes were black with fury and his scowl was terrifying. He’d finally lost all control. He was going to kill me.
Behind us, tires rolled down the gravel driveway making a crushing sound as it approached. He backed off as his father’s truck came toward us. Todd tried to look natural, like we were just talking but I took the opening to get away. I slid into my car, shutting and locking the door.
His father smiled and waved as he rolled past, oblivious to what was happening. I started my car and put it in gear, ready to bolt down the driveway. I was getting the hell out of there before Todd came to his senses. As soon as his father was out of sight, he tried to open my door. Thank goodness I locked it. He pounded on the windows and roof as I pulled away, down the driveway toward the main road. I was finally going to get away from him. I was finally going to be free.
The tires on my car squealed as I turned onto the main road and drove as fast as I could toward town, toward my dad. I knew he would be angry that I allowed Todd to do this to me, but I didn’t care anymore.
Todd’s black Mustang barreled down the road, pulling close to my bumper. I believed he was going to ram my car and force me off the road. My body trembled, terror zapping a
ll reason and strength from my bones. The rain slick streets were dangerous, tears blurred my vision, my hands trembled, and my breaths was ragged. I was petrified. But the moment he pulled alongside me, adrenaline replaced the panic. I didn’t know just how desperate he was or what he was going to do. He was a loose cannon.
Slamming my foot down on the gas, I left him behind as I barreled through town and sped toward my dad’s shop. I drove at breakneck speeds, trying get away or attract the attention of a cop or someone who could help me. I had to get somewhere safe before he could do anything more to hurt me. I fishtailed into the parking lot of my dad’s shop, pulling right into an open bay door and climbed out of my car to the surprised faces of my dad, Jake, and Cade all standing there staring.
“Antonia,” Todd bellowed. I jumped at the sound of his voice. I didn’t think he would follow me in here. He had to have lost all rational thought. My dad hated him, so did Jake and Cade. He couldn’t do anything to me here. “Get your fuckin’ ass over here now. This ain’t over you stupid bitch. This is far from over.”
Before I could even move, Jake and Cade had Todd tackled to the ground. The fury rolling off them was even more frightening than Todd. Each one of them was bigger and stronger than Todd, and they hated him with a fiery passion. My father came up beside me and I flinched when he turned me toward him. At the sight of my flinch, he knew. He knew what I never told him before, what I never let him see. I was like an abused animal, quaking and timid.
“Antonia, babe, I’m sorry,” Todd shouted from where the brothers had him pinned to the ground. “Babe, please. Just talk to me. Please.”
I flinched again at his pleading. I couldn’t stand the sound of his voice. He always apologized; he always brought me flowers and would be sweet after. But his apologies and pleading just made me sick.
“What did he do to you?” my dad whispered.
I didn’t say a word, just launched myself into his protective arms. The adrenaline rush I felt driving here was leaving my trembling body, making me weak. I sobbed, unable to speak. I felt like I was going to be sick. Dad said something to Jake and Cade before lifting me up and carrying me to his office. He placed me gently on my feet just in time for me to propel myself across the room toward the garbage can and expel everything in my stomach. My dad came and stood behind me, holding me up and holding my hair until the last of the heaves stopped. When he was sure I was okay, he led me to the couch and sat silently next to me for a few moments. We could hear the shouts and arguing echoing from the garage.
Gently, my dad smoothed my hair back from my face and looked closely at me. His eyes drifted down my face to my throat and then to my sleeveless arms. The murderous look was back when he gently pushed me forward and lifted the back of my shirt revealing my back. He sucked in an audible breath and I knew what he saw. Todd had slammed my car more times than I could remember. He choked me. I could only imagine the marks on my arms, neck, and back from his abuse. Tomorrow I would be a bruised mess.
My dad slid my shirt back into place and we sat in silence for another moment. I could hear his labored breathing and knew he was trying to control his fury. I didn’t know what to say or do. When push came to shove, my dad had tried to make me as strong and independent as a single dad could. He was a great role model. When my mother was alive, he treated us both as if we were the greatest gifts he was ever given. He stood by her side and held her hand through chemo, through surgeries to remove the cancer, and everything else she endured through her fight. But through it all, he was a rock for me. And he didn’t raise me to stand by and allow someone to treat me the way Todd had been treating me for a year now. I didn’t know what had happened to me or how I allowed myself to fall into this trap, but now I was clawing my way back out, I wasn’t about to ever go back.
“Toni,” he whispered. “Why? How? I don’t even know where to begin …” It was clear he was at a loss for what to say.
I sighed and tried to calm myself down. “I … I don’t know,” I staggered out. “It all just got away from me. I’m s-sorry, Daddy.” Tears renewed themselves and spilled down my cheeks.
He wrapped his enormous arms around my trembling body. “Oh honey, it ain’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.” He smoothed his hand over my hair, calming me.
Moments later the door burst open and Fred, Jake, and Cade burst in. Jake and Cade both looked murderous, and Fred just looked upset. But when they saw my dad and me, all of the anger expelled out of them.
“Where is he?” my dad growled low in his throat. I knew he was barely keeping it together and I hoped Todd was gone because I would never forgive myself if my dad did something that got him in trouble.
“Officer Burke came and got him. He took him to the station,” Fred said.
They all looked down at me as I pulled out of my dad’s embrace. With the sound of their gasps, I knew the moment they noticed the red marks on my arms or throat. I hadn’t realized how tightly Todd had grabbed me, but I had red marks and scratches on both arms, probably from fighting him when he tried stopping me from leaving.
Jake and Cade were in front of me in a flash, both of them staring in horror at me. “Fuck Toni, did he do this to you?” Cade bellowed. He gently placed his finger on the side of my neck and traced what I could only imagine was a red path to my throat.
“Of course he did,” Jake said, barely containing his fury. “He told us he tried to stop her from leaving. Obviously he tried to stop her physically.” Jake paused for a moment, “He’s fuckin’ lucky Burke came, otherwise we’d be digging a fuckin’ hole to throw him in right now.”
“Alright boys, enough,” Dad said. “I’m takin’ her to the hospital, I want to have her looked at.” My dad looked at me and I saw him age before my eyes. He was terrified for me. I could see it.
“No, Dad. I’m okay.” I wanted to put on a shirt to hide everything. I wanted to hide from the world. Out of sight, out of mind.
He just shook his head. His voice firm, he said, “No, we’re goin’ to the hospital.”
When we got to the hospital, Jake and Cade’s mother, Dottie, and my best friend, Mia, were waiting for us.
One of the twins must have called ahead, because Mia said nothing about the way I looked or the bruises all over me, she only pulled me into a tight hug. Next, Dottie wrapped her arms around me and held me tight to her. She had done everything she could to be a mother figure for me after we lost my mom.
I could feel her fury and sadness through the hug and I felt terrible for disappointing yet another person. She pulled away and looked into my eyes, searching for something, what, I didn’t know. It seemed she made a decision, because she pulled me down and whispered, “It’s not your fault.” Those four simple words caused a storm to erupt in me. Tears built in my eyes again. But it was my fault. I didn’t say anything; just let the tears slide down my cheeks. Her warmth and caring jabbed my heart and made me feel even more exposed than I did before.
I wanted to believe it wasn’t my fault, I did. But after being told everything was my fault for so long, I wasn’t sure if I could believe. I just desperately wanted to move on and forget it ever happened.
Together, my dad, Dottie, and I walked to the counter in the emergency room.
“How can I help you?” the nurse asked.
Before I could speak, my father spoke for me, “My daughter was raped.”
I woke with a start to a hand smoothing itself over my side.
“Toni, are you okay?” a deep, smooth voice full of concern asked. I slowly opened my eyes and found myself lying on the couch next to Julius. My head was in his lap, his feet were propped on the coffee table, and he was lying back with his hand on my side. I liked the intimacy of the situation, but then I realized I was having another nightmare. Shit, I didn’t know what I may have said or done but the concern in his voice told me that I did something to raise alarms.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I whispered. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you.” I sl
owly sat up, his hand, still on my side, slid across to the small of my back. I glanced over to him. His tight t-shirt was stretched taut across his muscled arm; the bottom of a tattoo that I couldn’t distinguish peaked further from under his sleeve. It was the most I’d seen of the illusive ink on his arm. I also noticed a hint of ink gracing the side of his neck, just a thin black line suggesting what could be beneath the cotton.
“You were having a nightmare,” he said quietly. “It sounded pretty intense.” He didn’t mention me falling asleep on him, only concerned about my nightmare.
“It was nothing,” I tried to convince him. I didn’t want him to know about Todd or my past.
“Who’s Todd?” Julius asked. He sat forward and looked at my face. Concern was in his eyes. “And what the hell did he do to you. You were begging him to stop.”
I just sat there stunned. He knew—he had to. I had no idea what I said or did during the dream, but clearly, it was far more than I ever realized. I needed to get out of there. I had to go and get as far away from Julius Fuller as I possibly could.
Julius’ strong arm moved around me, anchoring me to his side. His strength flowed through me and into me as he held me tight, comforting me. He rubbed his hand across the bare flesh on my arm, causing my heart to speed. It was then I realized two things. First, I had tears on my cheeks, and second, I woke up and I wasn’t afraid of him. Instead of fear, his arm felt comforting around me.