by Shelly Davis
I didn’t feel violated or taken advantage of in any way; I felt safe. I never felt like this with anyone other than the twins and my dad. I didn’t understand why. All I knew was I wanted his warmth, his strength, and his kindness in my life. With his arm around me, feeling his warmth and feeling safe, I didn’t think I could ever just be this man’s friend. I was actually startled to find my attraction to him was as potent as it was. I hadn’t felt anything like this for anyone for so long, possibly ever, I was afraid I was broken. After that nightmare, I should still be broken. But I just didn’t feel that way with Julius’ arm wrapped around me. I felt grounded, almost whole again.
“Toni, talk to me. What was that? Who was he? What did he do to you?” his words were whispered as if he was afraid to break the silence that had fallen over the room. Like if he spoke any louder, I might disappear or shatter.
“I’m sorry; did I sleep on you all night?” I tried to change the subject. I didn’t want to talk about the dream. I didn’t want him to see how weak I was.
His lopsided grin was mischievous and heart stopping at the same time. His eyes flashed knowingly as his smile widened. I wanted to know the thoughts that provoked the look in his eyes. “Best night sleep I’ve had in a long time, until you woke up with that nightmare. Talk to me Toni, please.”
His concern made me feel so cared for. He truly sounded worried for me. But I couldn’t think like that. I couldn’t let my guard down.
“It was nothing, Julius. I’m fine. It was just a stupid dream.”
“Toni, I know it wasn’t just a stupid dream. You were thrashing about and crying hysterically, begging for this Todd to stop. Now you can hide from a lot of people, but you can’t hide from me. Talk to me, let me help you.”
“Look, I told you I had a rough time a while ago. I don’t want to rehash it. He’s gone, I left town, and it doesn’t matter anymore.” My tone was sharp. I was probably getting more annoyed than I needed to be, but I couldn’t help it. The last thing I wanted to do was to let Julius know how damaged I was.
He frowned slightly, making me worry that I pissed him off. He looked at me and his face was deadly serious. “You may think you’re over whatever this guy did to you, but you aren’t. Let me help you.”
“Maybe I don’t want your help, Julius. Maybe I just want to be left alone,” I snapped. I didn’t mean to be so harsh, but he wouldn’t drop it. “It’s no big deal. You act as if any of this is a big deal. It doesn’t mean anything. I don’t owe you anything and you certainly don’t owe me anything either.” I looked down, unable to make eye contact with him. I could hear his exasperated huff as he sat next to me.
He placed his finger on my chin and tilted my head up to look at him. I flinched, thinking I would see anger in his eyes after my little outburst. His brown eyes bore into mine. They were warm and caring, but serious. The thing that surprised me the most was there was no anger there. I could see the worry and hear the frustration in his voice, but anger didn’t mar his handsome face.
“It does mean something, Toni. I don’t wake up with women. I don’t spend time with them, take them to dinners, or talk to them. I don’t fly them on my plane, bring them into my personal space, and I definitely don’t let them use my leg as a pillow all night long. Most of all, I never worry about their dreams or nightmares or anything they have going on in their lives. But I’m concerned about you.”
“There’s nothing to concern yourself with, please just drop it.” My pleading voice came out as nothing more than a whisper into the silent room. A part of me wanted to open myself up to him and pour my soul out for him, but I couldn’t. It was bad enough that I caved and told Margie a little about my past, I couldn’t give Julius that power. If he knew too much, he could use it against me. If he knew too much, he would pity me. I didn’t want pity. I wanted equality. I wanted to be treated the same as the rest of the team. His attention unnerved me. It made me want other things. Things I knew I could never have, especially with him.
He let my chin go, but I continued to look into his eyes. I was completely out of my comfort zone. His words flowed over me and into me as I tried desperately to understand what was happening here. He heard my worst nightmare. He was worried about me, but he said he didn’t worry about anyone. He didn’t let girls in his world as he was letting me in. But it wasn’t his choice. Kyle was forcing my presence. It wasn’t as if Julius decided he wanted me there, I was there because of Kyle. I wanted to believe I was infiltrating a place no other women were let into because he actually wanted me there. But the more logical part, the part that couldn’t let me fall so hard for a man who could destroy me, told me this was because I was part of his team. It was a convenience and nothing more.
~oOo~
Our plane trip home was quiet and uneventful. Everyone seemed to be lost in themselves. Margie and Kyle sat together talking. Julius sat across from me all the way home, but he didn’t engage in any conversation. He sat quietly and read the book he had taken from me days ago when we were on our way to Florida. I didn’t know what he felt he was getting from it, but I didn’t bother to try to get it back from him again. A part of me liked that he was interested in something of mine. After I left his room early that morning, I worried he wouldn’t be so concerned anymore.
I paid little attention to what was on the screen of my e-reader. Instead, I focused on the man who sat across from me. I focused on his posture, the way he concentrated on my book, and the way he would look up at me from time to time. A few times we locked eyes before I quickly looked away, but most of the time I pretended I didn’t notice. I thought long and hard about his words and actions from the morning. Everything about him was terrifying as far as I was concerned. This man had a power I never gave anyone, even Todd. This man had the power to break me and he didn’t even know it.
Mia was waiting outside of the airport when we walked out of the terminal. She stood, leaning against her car with a smile. When I got to her, she engulfed me in a hug I didn’t even realize I was craving. The nightmare from last night and the revelations made on the way home had rubbed my emotions raw. Was I so damaged that I couldn’t feel things for men who were attainable? Was I only attracted to men who were emotionally and physically untouchable? And worst of all, after such a short period of time?
Next to us, Margie stood smiling. When Mia turned to her, she put out her hand. “I’m Margie. I’m guessing you’re Mia?”
Mia smiled and said, “Yep, that’s me.”
My two friends meeting should have made me happy, but something in their nonverbal exchange unnerved me. Then Margie spoke up, she turned to Kyle and Julius smiling. “I’m goin’ to dinner with the ladies here. We’ll see y’all later.” She kissed Kyle then hugged Julius.
“Where’re you ladies goin’?” Kyle asked. “Maybe we could join ya.”
Mia smiled and in her sweetest southern drawl said, “No offence big boy, but this is a ladies only thing. No guys allowed.”
Julius scowled, “Y’all know Margie’s pregnant. She can’t be goin’–”
“Stop right there, Jules. Toni knows and so does Mia now. We ain’t gonna drink. We’re gonna hang out, just us girls. Go get yourselves pizza and beer, go back to your house. We’ll see y’all later on.” She walked over to her brother and took his hand. Looking into his eyes she quietly told him, “This is different. No lies, no dodging, just honesty. We’re gonna go to dinner and maybe some shopping, that’s it.”
I had no idea what she was talking about, but her words seemed to calm him down. Who was he concerned about lying and dodging truths? Why would she feel the need to reassure him and not Kyle? There was so much I wanted to know, but knew I’d never be able to find out.
The three of us climbed into Mia’s car and we were off. It took all of five minutes to get out of the airport and six minutes for the second degree questioning to begin.
“So what happened with you and my brother last night?” Margie asked. She turned in the front seat to loo
k at me. Her eyes sparkled as if she knew something; the thing was there was nothing to know.
Mia looked at me in the rearview and then at Margie. “What do you mean what happened with your brother? Who’s your brother? Did something happen?”
Just as I was ready to speak and tell her nothing happened, Margie spoke up instead. “Oh, I don’t know. Ky and I left my brother, Julius’ room around one in the morning, and Toni was still there. She was curled up on the couch next to Jules watching a movie and dozing. When I went to her room to get her this morning she wasn’t there.”
“Where was she?” Mia asked then looked at me in the mirror again, “Did you stay with him? Did you sleep with him?”
“Nothing happened. I fell asleep on the couch, that’s where I woke up. On the couch.”
Margie gave me a mischievous grin. “With your head in his lap.”
I felt my face go red. It had been a long day and night and I was exhausted. I had one beer and felt like I was ready to pass out. I remembered sitting on the couch to watch a movie with everyone, but that’s about it. But I knew nothing happened beyond sleep.
“Your head was in his lap?” Mia shouted and turned toward me. She swerved into the next lane. Thank goodness there was no one there.
“Mia, watch the goddamn road before you kill us all,” I growled at her. “I must have slumped into him in my sleep. I woke up in the morning using him as a pillow. That. Is. All. You know me, Mia.”
It was quiet for a moment; they both knew my past. I knew Mia had been wishing for me to be able to move on, but I still had problems with trust. The thing I did notice, I wasn’t worried when I was with Julius. He was gentle and kind. I didn’t want to admit it, but it gave me hope.
“I do know you better than that, Toni. But I also know this is a big deal. You never let your guard down, never. He must be one hell of a guy for you to let yourself be vulnerable. I mean, you still flinch when someone moves too fast or even looks at you the wrong way. You lettin’ someone get close to you when you were sleepin’ is a big freakin’ deal.”
“It doesn’t matter. I had a pretty bad nightmare last night. He woke me up from it.”
“What kind?” Mia asked simply. She learned quickly about my nightmares. The second night after she moved in with me, I had a horrible one of the last time I saw Todd. I woke her and my uncle up with my screams.
“It doesn’t matter, Mia. He heard me begging Todd to stop hurting me in my sleep. I said his name and everything. He asked me who Todd was.”
We sat there in silence. I knew better than anyone that exposing myself to others was a big deal. I just didn’t want to tell them what I was feeling. If I gave it a voice, it would make it too real. There wasn’t a future for me with this man. He said himself he didn’t want a relationship with anyone. He doesn’t do anything more than one night. I could never be that girl. I didn’t ever want to be that girl. So there would never be anything between Julius Fuller and me.
“What’re you thinkin’ about, Toni?” Margie asked after a few moments.
I thought long and hard about what to say. He’s her brother. I didn’t know what she knew of his lifestyle, but I didn’t want to destroy her vision of this perfect man she had built up in her head. “Nothing. It’s just even if I did like Julius, nothing could ever come of it. I heard him tell Audrey he didn’t do more than one night with a girl. I’m just not that kind of girl.”
Margie turned around completely in her seat to look at me. I thought she was going to be upset or at least scowl at me, but she didn’t. She smiled a sad kind of smile. “Jules does more than one night, Toni. He just hasn’t for a long time. I know my brother and I know what he does. But I think it’s time for him to stop living in the past and move on. Just as you need to stop living in the past and look at what’s in front of you. You’re proof that people can move on from tragedy and get stronger, you just have to let other people in to help you.”
I didn’t know what to say. There wasn’t anything more to say. I sat in silence in the back seat, my thoughts flying a thousand miles per hour as I listened to my friends talk. The conversation wasn’t so heavy anymore, but I felt the weight in my heart.
Chapter Eleven
Julius
“What do you think that’s all about?” Ky asked as we watched the women drive away. I had hoped, after last night and this morning, I would be able to spend a little more time with Toni. I wanted to try to get her to open up to me. To talk to me. Through her whimpering and sobbing during her nightmare, I found she must have survived one hell of an ordeal. She had begged this man to stop hurting her. I wanted to know more about what happened to her and I wanted to help her see not every man tried to hurt women. I could’ve tried to talk to her on the plane. I tried once or twice, but I couldn’t bring myself to talk to her about what I heard in front of Ky and Marg. It seemed too much like an invasion of privacy. Instead, I’d spent my time on the plane reading and rereading what she wrote on the pages in her book. For some reason I connected with what she wrote, I connected with her. It was like a glimpse into her mind, into her soul. She insisted none of it meant anything, but to me, the words meant everything. They told me about her, more than conversation or verbalized words ever could.
“I don’t know, I guess it’s just what they said. They’re goin’ to dinner.” I paused and thought for a moment. Marg said to go get beer and pizza and they would see us later. Did that mean she would be bringing Toni with her? Maybe I was too worried about what Toni was doing. She hasn’t shown any real interest beyond looking at me from time to time. That didn’t mean anything. But I did want to spend more time with her today.
Dammit. Sometimes I swear I was turning into a fucking chick. Beer. Pizza. Sports. I repeated the words in my head like a mantra. I wasn’t supposed to be feeling what I was feeling. Since Anna completely fucked me over, I haven’t let one single woman into my world or my life. The first one to infiltrate it and I’m all ready to lose my fucking man card.
“Let’s go grab a bite,” I told Ky. “Then we can go back to my place or whatever.”
“Sounds good to me.”
We grabbed a case of beer and ordered a couple pizzas. When we pulled in front of my house, it was dark. My house was always dark. I bought this place after Anna died because I didn’t ever want to return to the house we shared. I found out shortly after her death that she’d been lying to me for a long time. No one was willing to tell me what the hell was going on when I was traveling back then, but they sure as shit told me after she died. I got all kinds of sordid details about what people saw and heard her doing. Apparently, she enjoyed the little bit of popularity and notoriety she received by being my girlfriend.
I found out she enjoyed bringing different men into the home we shared. She took them to our bed and did things only we should’ve been doing there. I also found out that based on how far along she was, it was unlikely for the baby she was carrying to be mine. It was off-season and I had been traveling for work and visiting with my mother while she had surgery. When I found out, I lost it. Her betrayal was far worse than I ever anticipated and because of it, I spiraled out of control. I drank until I couldn’t see every night, I bedded every woman who crossed my path, and my driving suffered because of it. It went on for months until Axel and Ky made me pull my head out of my ass. Instead of being addicted to alcohol and women, I became addicted to success. I pushed my crew, my trucks, and myself harder and harder every season. I managed to win two titles in the following years, becoming more popular than many other truck series drivers. After all the success, Axel finally offered me my own Sprint Cup car and Fuller Enterprises was born.
The best thing that ever happened to me was Ky’s and Axel’s intervention. But they, my family, and my team were all I had left. It was a lonely life, but I never noticed how lonely I was until I fell asleep with Toni on that couch. It was purely innocent, but it opened my eyes to what I didn’t have and what I still wanted. It was bizarre, having those
feelings just after a few days. I wasn’t the guy who went looking for a relationship or even felt the need to be in one. But with her, there could be more. I could just feel it. What was going to happen the more I spent time with her? And spending time with her was inevitable. She would be by Kyle’s side during speed week. We would be attending all of the driver meetings, dinners, and other activities together. She would be around in the shop working on the car. We would be together all of the time. Time spent with that beautiful woman would be inevitable. And once the other drivers and crews got a look at her, she would never be left alone.
“Hey fucker. Where’d you go? You’ve been quiet for five minutes,” Ky said, jarring me out of my thoughts of Anna and Toni.
“Nothin’. Just eat the damn pizza.” Kyle smirked at me. His condescending smile made me want to punch him in the face. “Why the fuck are you lookin’ at me like that?”
“What happened with Toni? She stayed in your room last night and now you’re bein’ pissy. Did you put the moves on her and she shot you down? Does someone have blue-balls?”
“Fuck you, Ky,” I growled. “Nothin’ happened. She fell asleep watchin’ the movie. We slept on the couch. That’s it.”
“You both fell asleep on the couch? Why didn’t you leave her there and go to bed?” he asked. “So then what the fuck’s your problem?” He looked at me and I turned away. He could read me better than anyone, and I didn’t want him getting into my head. He sat quietly for a few moments then his eyes widened. “Ho-ly fuck. Dude; don’t fuck this up with her. I want her on the team. She’s a great asset. You can’t just fuck her. I don’t want her fuckin’ quittin’ because of you.”
“She ain’t gonna quit because of me. Nothin’ happened. Nothin’s gonna happen either. But that goes for everyone. Our team, other teams, other drivers. You make sure everyone knows she’s off limits. Understand?”