Relative-ly Speaking

by Karen D. Badger

  "Ah, well, that was different. The pilot passed out," Jo defended.

  Alex sat up straight and placed both hands on her hips. "He passed out for the very same reason you're gonna pass out if you keep drinking," she said loudly.

  Ignoring her wife's nagging, Jo started searching through her pockets.

  "Now what are you looking for?" Alex asked, exasperated.

  "I'm looking for my cigar," Jo replied, straightening her fedora.

  "You gave up smoking years ago, silly," Alex reminded the aging historian.

  "Oh, yeah, I forgot. Ah, here comes my whiskey," Jo replied. "Thank you, my dear," she added, openly flirting with the flight attendant as she paid for her drink. "Keep the change sweetheart," Jo said, winking and handing her a twenty dollar bill for a five dollar drink.

  Jo cringed when she saw the proverbial daggers flying from Alex's eyes. She took a long draw on her whiskey then grinned. "Alex, sweetheart, will you marry me?" she asked.

  "Josephine Wycliffe, you're drunk!" Alexandra replied.

  "Yes, I am," Jo admitted grinning. "But I'm also madly in love with you. So," she said, raising her glass to Alex and spilling a portion of the contents on herself. "Will you marry me?" she asked again.

  Alex looked intently at Josephine. "Josie, darlin' in my heart we are already married," she replied.

  "In my heart as well, my dear, but I thought we could do it up right. After all, we can do it legally now, thanks to the marriage equality ruling. You know, I could make an honest woman out of you," Jo explained quite seriously through slurred speech.

  "I think it's kinda late for that," Alex answered. "What's gotten into you Josephine Wycliffe?" she asked.

  "What's gotten into me? About six drinks, I think!" Jo chuckled.

  "That's what I was afraid of," Alex replied sadly, knowing it was too good to be true. For years she had toyed with the idea of asking Jo to marry her, but Jo just wasn't the marrying kind. She always said that a certificate of union was just a piece of paper that had no affect on how they felt about each other. So, they had spent the last fifty years together, married in their hearts but legally single, attending the weddings of all their friends and family…each ceremony reminding Alex that her relationship had never been legitimized. She was quite confused now at Jo's apparent change of heart.

  Jo tried to explain herself. "No, Alex. Really. I...," she began before being interrupted by the flight attendant.

  "Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has turned on the fasten seat belt sign. We are entering an area of turbulence so it may become a little bumpy. Please remain seated with your seat belts fastened until the fasten seat belt sign has been turned off," the voice said over the intercom.

  "Great Caesar's ghost, I need another drink," Jo exclaimed, summoning the flight attendant…all thoughts of marriage having dissolved into thin air.

  ***

  "Do you see them?" Cat asked, standing on tiptoe to see above the crowd.

  "Hold on, I think that's them over there," Billie replied, pointing to the arrival gate. "Ah, it looks like Grandma Alex needs a little help. I'd better get over there," she added.

  "Wait," Cat said, not intending to be left behind. "Is she okay?" she asked, following Billie through the crowd.

  "She's fine, Cat," Billie answered over her shoulder. "It's Grandma Jo who’s having a problem standing up."

  "Grandma Jo?" Cat questioned as they reached their grandmothers.

  "Billie-girl…Cat-woman," Jo said loudly when she noticed her granddaughters walking toward her. "How are my girls?" she asked, leaning heavily on Alex, who was red with embarrassment at the attention Jo was calling to herself.

  "Josephine Wycliffe, will you ever listen to me?" Alex asked angrily. "I warned you about drinking too much on the plane!"

  "Put a sock in it, Alex," Jo answered boldly, nearly falling over herself before Billie caught her and wrapped a strong arm around her waist.

  "Come on, Grandma Jo. Time to go," Billie said, hoping to get through the crowd quickly to the privacy of their car.

  "Billie, I'll grab a cart and collect their baggage, then meet you at the car, okay?" Cat asked, anxious to get her grandmothers alone to defuse what was turning into a very embarrassing situation. "Grams, how many bags do you have?" she asked.

  "I'll go with you, Caitlain, dear. Your Grandma Jo can go to the devil for all I care right now. Let her make a fool of herself. I don't want any part of it," Alexandra said angrily.

  Cat flashed a worried look at Billie before taking Alexandra's arm and leading her to the baggage claim area.

  "I'll be damned if I ever marry that woman," Alexandra said under her breath, but loud enough for Cat to hear.

  "What was that, Grams?" Cat asked.

  Alexandra blushed and tried to hide her guffaw. "Oh, nothing, dear. Look, there's one of our bags now," she said, pointing to a large piece of luggage sliding down the shoot onto the baggage claim carousel.

  Cat made four trips between the cart and the carousel before she finally collected all of Alex and Jo's luggage, and then headed toward the car. When they arrived, they found Josephine passed out in the back seat and Billie lounging lazily against the car, ankles and arms crossed. As they approached, Billie scurried to open the trunk, and efficiently transferred the luggage into it, casting furtive glances toward Cat in the process.

  Crawling into the back seat, Billie pushed Jo into a seated position and leaned her against the passenger door to make room for Alexandra to get into the car. Throughout the drive home, Alex cast disgusted looks in Jo's direction, making barely audible disgruntled sounds of discontent.

  Billie looked away from the road momentarily to meet her grandmother's eyes in the rearview mirror. "Wanna tell us what happened?" she asked.

  "A proper southern lady doesn't discuss her problems in public," Alex replied.

  Cat turned around in her seat. "Grams, we are not the public. We're family. Come on, talking about it will make you feel better," she coaxed.

  Alex looked at the handkerchief she was twisting between her hands, struggling with the dilemma of airing her dirty laundry. "Oh, all right," she said. "That grandmother of yours is gonna be the death of me. The minute we boarded the plane, she started downing the whiskey, and flirtin' with the flight attendant," Alex explained. "I swear that woman still thinks she's twenty years old."

  "So, what are you most upset about, the drinking or the flirting?" Billie asked coyly.

  Alexandra looked back and forth between Cat and Billie's reflection in the mirror. Blushing to the roots of her salt and pepper hair, she lowered her eyes once more to the wrinkled handkerchief she was holding.

  "You know she loves you," Billie added, correctly guessing the source of Alex's distress.

  "She really does," Cat added, reaching back to cover Alex’s hands with one of her own.

  A lone tear fell onto the handkerchief as Alex nodded silently and then cast a glance at the sleeping woman beside her.

  "She asked me to marry her," Alex said softly, still looking down at her hands.

  Cat looked at Billie and smiled. Turning back to Alex, she said, "You said yes, didn't you?"

  "No. I told her she was drunk," Alex replied, looking up at Cat. "She was, you know. She asked after I caught her flirting again with the attendant."

  "Grams, you know she's harmless," Cat said in Jo's defense.

  "Maybe so, but she could at least have the decency to do it behind my back. It is extremely embarrassing to have your wife flirt with a younger woman right in front of you," Alex explained.

  "So, do you think her proposal was sincere?" Billie asked.

  "Billie, dear, I have pondered asking Josie to marry me for years, but she has made it painfully clear that she's not interested, so I have no basis on which to judge her sincerity. I tend to believe it wasn't," Alex replied. "Now if you don't mind, dears, I would like to end this discussion."

  Feeling promptly dismissed, Cat turned back around in her seat and
raised her eyebrows at Billie. Reaching for her hand, Billie squeezed it tightly, sending her own reassurance to her wife that at least their love was strongly intact.

  ***

  "All right Grandma Jo, let's go," Billie said, pulling Jo out of the car to her feet.

  "I'm all right. I don't need any help," she complained, shaking off Billie's hands.

  Knowing how stubborn her grandmother was, Billie just stepped back and let go of Jo, who promptly stumbled and nearly fell on her face before catching herself.

  "Oh, for heaven's sake Josie, let Billie help you before you hurt yourself," Alex scolded.

  "I'm fine, I tell ya! Just as soon as the ground stops moving, that is," Josephine joked.

  "What's wrong with Grammy Jo?" Skylar asked.

  "Seth, would you mind getting the luggage out of the trunk and bringing it to the downstairs guest room, please?" Billie asked her son as she once more wrapped an arm around Josephine's waist.

  "Sure, Mom," he replied, taking the keys Billie offered to him.

  "Okay, I've got the bed turned down," Cat called from the kitchen doorway as she rejoined the ladies trying to coax a drunken Josephine into the house.

  "For the life of me, Josephine Wycliffe, I'll never understand why you have to cause such a scene all the time," Alex stated, obviously embarrassed by Jo's behavior.

  Cat embraced Alex as Billie finally maneuvered Jo toward the house. "Don't worry about her, Grams. She wouldn't be Jo if she didn't cause a scene. You have to admit that she's added quite a bit of color to your lives all these years," she observed.

  "Yeah, I guess you're right, but most people are happy with a box of eight Crayolas, while Josie insists on the ninety-six pack," she laughed.

  Cat looked at her grandmother, once again taken with her aging beauty and strong resemblance to Billie. "Well, Grams, you're pretty colorful too if I should say so myself," she remarked.

  Alexandra blushed. "Oh, pshaw, Caitlain" she said, lightly slapping Cat on the arm. "You're makin' me blush."

  "And so pretty in pink," Cat teased as she and Alex made their way to the house behind Billie and Jo.

  "Okay, Grandma Jo, that's it, just a little further," Billie coached as she led Jo to the spare bedroom. "Here we are. Down you go," she added, lowering Jo to the bed. "Off with the boots," came the next comment as Billie unlaced and removed Jo's combat style boots.

  Billie chuckled as she took in Jo's attire. Alex was right. Jo did think she was still twenty years old. Here she was, in her seventies, and dressed in safari wear, much like she was when she traveled the world as an historian fifty years ago when she met Alex in Viet Nam.

  "There you go," Billie said as she swung Jo's legs onto the bed and pulled the blankets to her neck. She removed Jo's fedora and placed a light kiss on her forehead before putting the hat on the night stand and quietly making her way out of the room, closing the door behind her.

  Alex and Cat had busied themselves in the kitchen while Billie put Josephine to bed. Returning to the kitchen, Billie found her wife and grandmother in the process of making coffee cake after putting a pot of coffee on to brew.

  "She's all tucked in," Billie announced, coming up behind Cat and wrapping her arms around her. "God, that coffee smells good. What 'cha making?" she asked.

  "Coffee cake," Cat replied, lifting a spoon of batter to Billie's lips.

  "Umm, pecans. My favorite," Billie exclaimed, smacking her lips.

  "Is Josie sleeping?" Alex asked, pouring each of them a cup of coffee.

  "Passed out, is more like it," Billie replied. "Grams, has she been drinking more than usual lately?"

  "No, not really. She just doesn't like to fly, and she covers up her fear by dulling it with the devil's brew. She's really not as tough as she'd like you to believe," Alex explained.

  "Yeah, I kind of guessed as much," Cat chimed in, grinning. "All right, in you go," Cat added as she slipped the coffee cake into the oven.

  The three women carried their coffee mugs to the table where they sat, intending to visit while waiting for the coffee cake to bake.

  After more than a half hour of catching up, Billie abruptly changed the subject. "So, she asked you to marry her, huh?" she said, smiling impishly.

  Alex looked directly at her granddaughter. "Yes she did, but I have no reason to believe she was serious. Darlin', we've been together for fifty years. Why ask now?" Alexandra questioned.

  "Why not now?" Billie asked. “I mean, the recent Supreme Court decision on marriage equality has made it legal for everyone now.”

  "Maybe the nostalgia brought on by Drew and Dylan's upcoming nuptials have gotten to her?" Cat suggested.

  "I'd like to think so, darlin', but..." Alex began.

  "But, nothing," Billie interrupted. "Why not give her the benefit of the doubt? Let's see what happens over the next few days. If nothing does, I'll confront her directly," Billie suggested.

  "You'll do nothing of the sort, young lady. If she can't be sincere about it without bein' pushed into it, then I don't want to marry her," Alex exclaimed. "A lady's got standards to uphold, you know."

  Billie threw a conspiring look at Cat, silently conveying covert plans to her wife through her eyes. Cat immediately picked up on Billie's vibes as she nodded her approval.

  Billie sat back in her chair and looked at Alex, sighing deeply, as though she was resigned to the older woman’s stubbornness. "All right. You're the boss," she said.

  Alexandra covered Billie's hand with her own. "Thank you dear. I knew you would see it my way," she replied just as the oven timer began to chime.

  "Coffee cake's done," Cat said, grinning at Billie's submissiveness. Grams, I think you're in for quite a ride. Hang on and fasten your seat belt, she thought to herself as she retrieved the cake from the oven.

  ***

  "Hello? Oh, hi Billie," Jen exclaimed as she recognized her friend's voice on the phone.

  "Jen, I need a favor," Billie began without ceremony.

  "I'm fine, Barney. Thank you for asking. And how are you?" Jen replied dryly, indirectly pointing out the lack of customary courtesy to her friend.

  "Jen, I warned you about the Barney thing," Billie scolded.

  Barely able to contain a chuckle, Jen continued. "What can I do for you, oh exalted purple one?"

  "That is so not fair," Billie exclaimed. "Pretty brave over the phone, aren't you?" she said dangerously.

  "Damn straight," Jen replied.

  "Okay, since I need your help, I'm gonna overlook the comments, but just this once. You got it?" Billie warned.

  "All right, all right. I'll lay off for now, Barn…I mean Billie. What can I do for you?" Jen asked.

  "Well, Grandmas Jo and Alex are here and…" Billie spent the next several minutes on the phone with her friend. Finally, she hung up and grinned. Billie-girl, you're a genius, she boasted to herself.

  CHAPTER 20

  "This wedding crap is really boring," fifteen-year-old Crystal said.

  Tara looked skeptically at her cousin. "I don't think so. It might be fun," she replied.

  "That's because you're in the wedding. At least you have something to do," Crystal retorted. "Even if it is carrying Aunt Drew's dress."

  "It's called a train, and at least you don't have to wear a dress like I do," Tara whined. "That's the worst part."

  Crystal and Tara had ridden Seth and Tara's bikes to the park and were now sitting side by side on the swings, lazily dragging their feet back and forth across the worn grooves beneath them.

  "You're gonna look real foo-foo you know," Crystal picked, obviously jealous that her cousin was in the wedding and she wasn't.

  "I'm not foo-foo," Tara spat back. Tara prided herself on her tough reputation. Even the boys at school walked a wide berth around her when she threw them one of her looks. Being called foo-foo was like issuing her a challenge.

  "Are too," Crystal argued.

  "You'd better stop saying that," Tara warned.

  "Prove i
t then," Crystal challenged.

  "What do you mean?" Tara asked.

  Crystal looked around to see if anyone was watching them, then reached into her pocket and pulled out a sandwich bag.

  "What's that?" Tara inquired.

  "Take a closer look," Crystal replied, shoving the bag in Tara's face.

  Tara took the bag and looked at it carefully. It contained something that resembled cooking herbs to her. Raising it to her nose, she sniffed, then quickly pulled it away and looked wide-eyed at her cousin. "It's pot!" she exclaimed loudly.

  Crystal grabbed the bag and quickly shoved it back into her pocket. "Say it a little louder, Tara. I don't think the officer two blocks away heard you," she scolded sarcastically.

  Tara was feeling a mixture of excitement and fear. She had never seen marijuana up close before, but she surely recognized the odor. At the end of the last school year, one of the senior girls was caught smoking it in the girls bathroom and it left behind an odor so strong, it burned Tara's nose when she went in there.

  Tara's heart was beating a mile a minute. Trying hard to calm herself and not call any unnecessary attention to her and her cousin, she took deep breaths and then looked over at Crystal who was nonchalantly swinging back and forth, quite innocent to the casual observer.

  "Where did you get it?" Tara asked.

  "I've got connections."

  Tara didn't know what to say, so she just diverted her eyes to the ground.

  "So, are you a foo-foo chicken-shit, or what?" Crystal continued to dig.

  Tara turned sharply toward her cousin. "I told you not to say that."

  "Well, I think you need to prove that you're not a coward," Crystal said, once more pulling the bag out of her pocket and offering it to Tara.

  Tara stared at the bag, not really sure what she wanted to do. "I don't know, Crystal," she said haltingly.

  Crystal held the bag in front of her. "It won't hurt you, you know."