You Should Smile

by Lee, Renee

  Oh my god. I did not want to hear anything else about his sex life with other people! Why was he telling me this again? Oh yeah, because I asked. I’m a moron.

  He sighed again and ran his hand through his hair. “She got pregnant on purpose, Shay….She’d left her diary behind after she moved out of my old place. I shouldn’t have looked, I know, but I did….turns out getting pregnant was all a part of her ‘plan’ to marry me….”

  He took another deep breath and sighed heavily. This was hard for him. I decided I needed to suck up my selfish fears and listen sympathetically.

  “I told you how my dad left my mom because she was pregnant. I’d never do that to anyone. She knew that…..she had me. I asked her to marry me. I didn’t love her.” He began to nervously tap his toe on the floor as he continued staring out the window.

  I knew then that she was one of those girls. Throw the Rule Book out the window.

  He kept going. “About twelve weeks into the pregnancy, she lost the baby. I was pretty devastated about the baby. I’d wanted it more than I realized. After we lost the baby, though, I knew I couldn’t carry on a farce anymore. That child was the only thing keeping me in that relationship. When the baby was no longer a factor, any reason I had to be with her was gone, too. I broke it off about two months after.”

  He shook his head and looked down, the bad memories still powerful. “She…uh….she didn’t take me leaving her very well. She ended up in the hospital one night with an apparent suicide attempt by taking pills. I went to see her. When I was coming back from the restroom later, I overheard her on the phone telling one of her friends that she didn’t really take that many. She was just trying to do something to get me back. I was furious, as you can imagine. I found the diary a few days after that. I finally saw her for what she was…”

  I blew out a huge breath I hadn’t realized I’d even been holding in. That was some heavy shit. “I’m so sorry, Thad,” I whispered sincerely.

  He finally turned to face me. “When she realized there was no way in hell I’d ever get back with her, she ended up threatening me, showing up at random places and times, calling, leaving voicemails…I threatened to file a restraining order against her. That seemed to work because she’s very protective of her ‘image’….I also sold the house and moved to where I live now under one of our corporate property names. So, over the years, I’ve been able to avoid her. I hadn’t spoken to her in years until she called today.”

  “So what’d she want?”

  “To get under my skin. She left a message to call her back about HR paperwork…..and then she wished me a happy birthday.....” He flexed his jaw. “I knew she’d come across my name eventually. Kinda hard to avoid the Director of Human Resources….Who knows when she actually found out, though. She waited to call on my birthday, and she knew I’d have to call her back if she said it was about work…..After the bullshit work questions, she asked why I took this job finally. She’d tried to get me to come here while we were together, but I never would. I think in her fucked up mind, she thought I finally took this job because of her. The truth is, I avoided this job for years because of her and I’m not sure why I finally gave into the Dean…..I just said ‘yes’ that day without even thinking…..” He smiled faintly, changing his mind about what he was going to say.

  “I knew this would happen eventually, that she’d find out I was here and contact me.” He raised his eyebrow at me and smiled, tentatively. “She didn’t like it very much when I made it clear that my taking this job had absolutely nothing to do with her. And then she wanted to know if I was seeing anyone.”

  He paused, staring intently at me. I glanced away, unable to look him in the eyes. I swear, this was the most I’d ever heard him talk about serious things since I’d met him. I wasn’t sure I liked it.

  He kept going. “I told her I was interested in someone…..did you hear that part?”

  There it was. This was that moment in the movies when the heroine gets her heart broken, I thought. This was the part where she gets let down easily, where the hero says something like “I’ve found someone else, but it was really fun to talk to you all the time and play ‘Mutual Masturbation Skype’ and all….I’d be glad to stay on your committee if you want….I hope you have a nice life….Good luck to your livid libido…..blah, blah, blah.”

  I went back to pretending like I was interested in his books. I realized he’d stopped talking, so I felt compelled to turn toward him. He was grinning. Creases and all.

  I was sweating. Exasperated. This was not a fun conversation for me. At all.

  “Hey, Smiles?” He was still grinning.

  Wait. He never called me that when we were at school.

  I met his eyes finally. “Uh-huh?” I tried to act nonchalant.

  He suddenly got serious. The grin disappeared. “Shay, if she finds out about you, she’ll do whatever it takes to ruin you. She’s that evil and vindictive.”

  “Why in the world would she care about me?”

  “Because I do,” he whispered, still staring at me.

  I looked back down. My heart sank. You’d think it would soar, right? You’d think it’d be happy as a little fucking dancing bear, but it wasn’t. It was scared shitless. This was confirmation in the worst possible way. The best possible way. He cared about me. He was interested in me. It was the culmination of everything I’d ever wanted – and everything I feared most – all at the same time.

  He still wasn’t done. “I’m serious, Shay. It took me a long time to figure out how horrible a person she is. She can’t find out about you. I shouldn’t have let her goad me into saying there was someone I was interested in. She’ll do everything she can now to find out who you are….and if she does….fuck….” He trailed off, deep in thought.

  A wave of anger flashed within me. It’s just that I was so tired of all of the bullshit. Everything in my life was some big sort of fucking pretend, hidden, secretive, dramatic issue and the last thing I needed was to deal with some crazy skank on top of all of that. “Fuck her. Listen, if I’ve learned one thing in my life, it is how to deal with crazy, fucked up bitches like her. They expect you to walk away, to be the ‘bigger person’....That’s part of their plan. She got you to ask her to marry her when you didn’t want to, didn’t she? She knew you’d play by the rules. But me? I’ve been played by that game before and what she and others like her forget is that once the Rule Book is thrown out the window, I don’t have to play by it, either. So fuck her and the manipulative Angelina bitches like her.”

  I finished my rant and realized he was laughing. Laughing. “Why are you laughing?”

  “I’ve never seen you so raving mad before. You were really going at it there….” Grinning. Panty-dropping creases.

  “Whatever. She can still fuck off,” I mumbled.

  He laughed harder as he rose from the desk. He came around to the front of the desk to face me, eyebrow raised, smirking. “Manipulative Angelina bitches, huh?”

  “Yeah. You know, Angelina Jolie versus Jennifer Aniston. Some girls are Angelinas. Some girls are Jennifers. I’m a Jennifer.” I waited expectantly as if I’d just relayed the most basic elementary explanation in the world. Everyone knew this code, right?

  He grinned and shook his head. “There are some things I guess I’ll never understand….”

  Then he paused for a minute, seeming to contemplate something. “Hey, how ‘bout we blow this meeting off and watch a movie at my place instead?”

  “What?”

  “Come to my place and watch a movie……I’ve got To Kill a Mockingbird…..” Grin.

  I was completely confused. “What? What about this whole ‘crossing the line’ thing?”

  The smirk came out in full force. “Don’t you think we’ve pretty much jumped over that thing already?”

  “Well, yeah, but I thought you were still trying to be Mr. We-Shouldn’t-Be-Doing-That.” I moved my head back and forth like a scolding teacher.

  “Well, we
shouldn’t, but I can’t seem to give a flying fuck right now. It’s my birthday. I don’t wanna do anymore work today. Plus, it’s just a movie. I’m really not asking for or expecting anything else, promise.” He held up his fingers like a boy scout would pledge and winked at me.

  I don’t know what made me do it. I don’t know why I suddenly had the urge, but I stood up from the chair, walked over, grabbed his collar and pulled him toward me and kissed him. He seemed surprised at first, but then I felt him give in. His lips opened and soon our tongues were moving to that familiar tango from long ago. It was just as intense as the first time in the parking lot. Sparks flying. Everywhere. He finally pulled away, grinning.

  “What was that for?”

  I shrugged, smiling. “I’m not sure. It’s your birthday….and you’ve got To Kill a Mockingbird….”

  His eyes lit up and he leaned in to kiss me again, before moving down to kiss my neck in that spot that I loved. I heard him murmur, “You know, I’ve always found Jennifer Aniston much sexier than Angelina Jolie....”

  I teased back, “You’d better not be thinking about Jennifer Aniston while you’re making out with me, Pickup Grinner.”

  Against my neck, he whispered, “Never. I’m only thinking about....” He looked up with a gleam in his eye and his classic smirk.... “What was your name again?”

  I smacked his arm lightly and walked off toward the door, saying quietly over my shoulder, “Oh, you’ll remember my name when I’m through with you, don’t you worry.”

  As he followed quickly behind, I heard him mumble, “Bring. It. On….”

  Chapter Fifteen

  I’d taken the underground to the office that day, so I didn’t have my car at school. I jumped in his truck. On the way to his house, we picked up some Chinese food. I’d never seen his house before. You’d think I’d be nervous, but I wasn’t. I was actually excited and looking forward to seeing that part of his life. I was so tired of pretending. I wanted to really get to know him, to date him, to call him “mine”….you know, like normal relationships progress. Honestly, I wasn’t even thinking about my dissertation and what could happen if anyone found out. I no longer cared at that point. You know that part in the movies, when you’re screaming, “Be careful, girl! Don’t do anything stupid!” I know. I should’ve been smarter than that, but it was hard. I wasn’t really thinking at all.

  He pulled up to an old building in one of the artsy neighborhoods. I loved this part of town. It was where the artists, musicians, poets, and hippies lived – you know, the interesting people. I loved people with “stories”. Life is all about stories, just like the movies. The most interesting people in the world are those with lots of “stories” to tell about their life – what they’ve done, where they’ve been, things they’ve seen. This neighborhood was full of people with stories. You could just feel it in the air as you watched them walk up and down the sidewalks. He came around to my side to open the door. I met his extended hand with my own and he helped me step down from the truck to the sidewalk below.

  “I love this part of town,” I told him.

  “Me, too. When I found this old brownstone, I had to have it. I renovated it completely – did all the work myself, too.” Big, sexy grin.

  I grinned back. “Impressive…”

  He led the way to the nearby stoop and gestured for me to go ahead up the steps. I waited as came up behind me and fumbled with the key before finally opening the door.

  It was beautiful. The ceilings were exposed and the walls were all vintage brick. Everything looked straight out of a catalog. It was the perfect mix of modern and Victorian styles. Clean cut lines and minimal furnishings surrounded by dark, rich wood and high ceilings.

  “I love it,” I breathed, still in awe.

  He turned and grinned again, seeming to enjoy my amazement. “Thanks. She’s my gal.”

  “She?”

  “Yeah, ‘she’. Some houses I’ve worked on are a ‘he’ and some are a ‘she’. This one’s definitely a ‘she’.”

  “What makes it a ‘she’, pray tell?” I teased.

  “She was a lot of work, stubborn, problematic, hard to figure out, heart-breaking, high-maintenance….” He was grinning.

  I rolled my eyes. “That is so sexist.”

  He held up his finger. “Wait. I’m not finished….”

  I lifted my brow, waiting on him to continue.

  “Even after all of the hard work and time spent and frustrations I had with her……” He looked straight at me and said in a low voice, “She’s more beautiful to me today than ever. She was….worth every bit of it.…”

  I could feel the insane beat of my heart as he held my eyes. My head was swimming with a thousand thoughts, some wonderful, some scary, some horrible, some insane. I didn’t know what to say. I always said something, but this time, I couldn’t say anything at all.

  Finally, I broke our eye contact and smiled. “Let’s eat before our food gets cold,” I said. He nodded.

  After we ate, he put in the DVD for To Kill a Mockingbird.

  “I love this movie so much,” I gushed, plopping down on the couch. Very lady-like, I know.

  His smile lit up the room. “Yeah, me, too. My favorite part is when Ewell spits on Atticus’ face and Atticus just wipes it off. You can almost see that whole transition go on inside Atticus’ mind. He wants to punch him, but he does the hardest thing for any guy to do – he wipes it off instead. He wouldn’t sink to Ewell’s level. He remained the better man.”

  I was nodding along, eyes dancing. “Yes! I love that part, too.” Sigh. “I love Atticus. He’s so courageous.” I suddenly remembered Abraham. “…..I wish I could’ve met your grandfather, Thad.”

  He sat on the couch beside me, turned to face me. “Yeah. Me, too…..Man, he would’ve loved you.” Grin.

  My heart soared. Danced. Sang. It made my day. “Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome,” he whispered, eyes meeting mine. His lips were full and glistening. I thought back to how I’d just been kissing them about an hour before. I wanted to do it again. He looked like he was about to do it again, but he stopped when he heard the opening scene of the movie and Scout’s voice. Our moment was gone.

  I settled in against the couch and focused on the movie. I could do this. I could watch a movie. Just watch a movie. He sat beside me, close, but not directly touching. His knee was a few centimeters from my own.

  As the movie progressed, though, we’d found ways to get closer. It was like an awkward high school date. I kept waiting for his mom to come out from the back room and offer us brownies. Eventually, we got to the point to where I was sitting up against him, the back of my head leaning against his chest, with his arm around my shoulder. Every once in a while, his hand would inadvertently rub my shoulder with light, soft circles.

  I couldn’t concentrate on the movie at all. Not at all. My eyes were focused on the screen, but my head was focusing on his hand upon my shoulder, on my side against his muscular chest, on his body heat next to my own. Ms. L. was cussing up a storm and I didn’t even blame her this time. I was on her side.

  Then the scene where Atticus is leaving the courtroom and everyone stands up came on. “This is my favorite scene,” I whispered, my eyes tearing up.

  He nodded, his other arm wrapping around my waist. “It’s a great one.” He squeezed my waist, offering me a semi-hug, before whispering in my ear. “Can you imagine doing anything in your life worthy of that sort of respect?”

  I shook my head. “No. I could only hope to….” I turned my head towards him, smiling. Teasing. “You mean students don’t stand up when you leave the classroom, Dr. Reeding?”

  He grimaced. “Don’t call me that….Please.” He paused. “It just reminds me that I’m your professor.”

  I forgot about the movie. I turned completely around to face him. “You are my professor, Thad. You’re also my friend. You’re also another adult I’d like to get to know better as more than just a friend.”r />
  That made his grin come back. His eyebrow shot up. “How much better?”

  I laughed. “My livid libido wants me to get to know you a lot better…..”

  He grabbed me tight around the waist again and said low in my ear, “I told you I wasn’t expecting anything. I really did mean that…..”

  “I know. I’m not expecting anything, either…Don’t worry, Pickup Grinner. I don’t plan on taking your virginity tonight…”

  “Ha! Little late for that….”

  I tensed. I swear, the thought of him with someone else made me sick to my stomach. And I walked right into that one! Idiot!

  He turned my face to his and kissed my lips softly. “Your lips are the only lips I think about now, Smiles.” Oh, he was good.

  I kissed him back wholeheartedly and, soon, we were lost again – lost in the moment, lost in the touches, lost in the passion. His lips went to my neck and I used the chance to explore his stomach with my hands through his button-down shirt. I had to get closer. I reached up to his top button and began to slowly unbutton, button by button…..down, down, down…..as he watched my hands intently. When all buttons were finally undone, I parted his dress shirt slowly. Finally. His bare chest. I dragged my nails lightly down the chiseled mass and let my hands trace the outline of his six-pack below. His breathing became labored as my hand moved across the faint course hairs of his lower stomach and I heard a low moan when my hand reached even lower. He backed me down on the couch, hovering above.

  As he pressed his body into my own, I could feel his hardness against my thigh. He began lightly kissing my neck. Holy shit. I was reeling with sensations and thoughts and….fears. Wait, what were we doing?! Yesterday, we barely talked about anything and now we were moving with lightning speed – toward what? And I didn’t even know how old he was!

  I couldn’t stop myself. It just came out. “I don’t want to have sex yet….I don’t even know how old you are….”

  What. The. Fuck? I wasn’t even drunk and still blurting. What was wrong with me? I could feel the blushing as it cascaded across my entire face, hot flashes of shame.