Beside Still Waters (A Big Sky)

by Tricia Goyer

  Trapper rose from where he sat beside her and trotted down to the water, lapping it up and then looking back at her with curiosity as if wondering why she hadn't joined him.

  "You go ahead. I'll just sit here a while." He too was another gift that had been forced upon her. One she couldn't imagine not having.

  The ducks continued to swim in circles. Ripples flowed out from their bodies. Marianna yawned and told herself the next time she returned she'd have to bring a blanket to spread on the forest floor. It wasn't that she was tired. Instead, the feeling was one of fullness. The same type of feeling as if she finished a delicious meal or had just read the last page of a satisfying book.

  After what seemed like an hour passed, she rose and decided to return before Mem sent out a search party of her younger siblings for her. She didn't want to worry them, but more than that. She didn't want to share her special place, at least not for a while.

  She carried the peace home with her.

  Marianna arrived just in time for dinner and through the meal she couldn't help but laugh and joke with her siblings. She couldn't help but smile.

  All through dinner Marianna noticed something was different with Mem. Her mother had a strange look on her face. A look of surprise maybe. Or uncertainty?

  By the time dinner was done, and they were cleaning up the kitchen, her mother's legs were shaking like the aspen leaves outside the window.

  "Are you having contractions?" Marianna took her arm and led her to the softest living room chair.

  "Yes, through dinner. My labors usually go slow, but this one . . ." Mem face scrunched up and her breaths quickened. "It's coming fast, like when I had you, Mari."

  Dat lowered the newspaper he'd been reading. The kids, who'd been putting together a puzzle in the center of the living room turned and eyed Mem. David and Charlie were old enough to remember Ellie's birth, but the younger two looked both worried and surprised.

  "Outside kids," Dat called. "Everyone go play in the barn for a while. David keep an eye on Ellie and Josiah."

  "Time to get the midwife?" Marianna's voice was no more than a whisper, but both Charlie and David paused and looked back.

  Mem nodded. "Yes, but I don't think we'll have time to drive to Libby. It—" She placed her arms around her stomach. "The pains are coming so fast."

  Marianna didn't need to hear more. As Dat led Mem upstairs to their bedroom, she hurried to the shed to call Jean, the midwife, explaining the situation. And by the time she returned to the house, it was her father's cries that startled her.

  "Mari, boil some water and sanitize our scissors. Then bring up extra towels. I think the baby will be out soon!"

  She was just heading upstairs when the midwife arrived. Marianna could barely hear her mother's soft moans, and the woman hurried past Marianna.

  By the time Marianna entered the room, Mem was lying on the bed and the baby's head was crowning.

  "It's okay, Ruth"—the midwife put on gloves—"it looks like we're going to have a baby in a few minutes. Just go ahead and push on the next contraction."

  Dat was on her mother's left side, and Marianna rushed to her right. She grabbed Mem's hand, and Mem squeezed tight. Then she pressed her chin to her chest and pushed.

  Marianna was expecting a long process, as it had been with both Josiah and Ellie, but another push later and the baby slid onto the bed. Dark hair covered her head. The midwife checked the baby's mouth, and then placed the little one on Mem's chest. Marianna stepped forward with a towel.

  "Okay, Marianna, rub the baby down with the towel. All over really well."

  Tears streamed down Mem's face.

  "Look at your beautiful baby, Ruth." The midwife clamped the cord and then snipped it.

  "Is it a boy, a girl?" Dat's voice squeaked, and a smiled filled his face.

  "A girl." The midwife gave him a wide smile. "I just caught your daughter. Marianna, do you want to take the baby and wash her up while I tend to your mom?"

  "Ja, of course."

  A few minutes later Marianna cradled the small baby in one arm as she heated another pan of water on the cook stove. The baby's eyes squinted, trying to open, attempting to adjust to the light. With a soft flutter of her eyelashes, her eyes opened, and she looked around. Her brow was furrowed as if she was just trying to figure out what had happened.

  "Look at you, beautiful girl." Marianna locked eyes with the small baby whimpering in her arms. "Oh, don't fuss like that. You've just been born into the most amazing family."

  Marianna washed the baby, careful to watch her cord. Then she diapered and dressed her. She lifted the baby to her, tucking the soft cotton blanket around her as she did.

  "Hello there, wee one. Look at you. Are you wondering where you are? Who's holding you?"

  Marianna returned. Mem was cleaned up and had a peaceful look on her face.

  "I think you should name her." Mem curled to her side. Her hair was damp. Moist curls clung to her head.

  "Me?"

  Mem nodded and her eyelids drooped.

  Dat approached and ran his finger down the baby's arms. "I agree. So what's the perfect name for this beautiful girl?"

  Marianna thought of the afternoon. She considered the peace she felt beside the still waters. She marveled how easily the baby was born. She thought about how Mem had been lately, how she'd settled into this place with a smile.

  "Joy." Marianna looked to her father. She glanced out the window at the cluster of pines and through the open window could hear the laughter of her siblings carrying up from the barn. "I believe her name should be Joy."

  Dear Marianna,

  My mother told me about the birth of your sister. How exciting! Your family must be happy for another girl—to make up for the ones they lost.

  My wedding was beautiful. It seemed nearly everyone from the county turned out. I did miss your mother's fruit tapioca at my wedding lunch. Many others commented that they missed it too. Everyone is thankful your family will be returning in the spring. We are even more glad that we don't have to wait as long to see you.

  Frank is a wonderful husband, and I'm finally settling into the life I'd always dreamed of. I know it has been your dream too. We hope to start a family this year.

  My mother said that she has heard all types of news about Montana. She says that the Amish there ride bicycles. She also said you're working in an Englisch store. I hope it's not too difficult for you. I am sure you will be happy when you return and don't have to do that again.

  I wasn't sure if I should mention it, but I did see Aaron Zook at the wedding. From what I hear his cabin is nearly complete. That's all he talked about. The part I didn't want to mention is all the time he spent with Naomi. At first I thought that they were just comforting each other about their losses—with you in Montana and with Levi in the world. But the way they looked at each other. And they way they laughed and talked. Many people raised concern. Some of the other Junes said they would never tell you, but I thought you should know. I would want to know.

  Please let me know when you return. I'd love to get together and learn about the Wild West.

  Sending all my love,

  Clara

  Aaron grinned as he stepped through the door of his cabin and saw Naomi sitting there. A blanket was spread on the floor and she leaned against the wall. Her face was lowered and he grinned wider, knowing she was playing shy. She did that sometimes, when he took her hand too fast or kissed her too hard, she'd pull away and act as if she were uncertain of where their actions were leading.

  He hurried over to her and sat down on the blanket, facing her.

  "What are you thinking about, Naomi? Or were you going to nap? Is that why you have the blanket on the floor?" He grinned.

  "No." She lifted her hand. "I wasn't thinking of napping." Her cheeks reddened and she looked away. He followed her gaze to the box of sandpaper. On top of it his sketchbook was open to the drawing of Marianna. Aaron sat up on his knees.

  "You g
ot into my things?" Anger filled his chest.

  Naomi didn't respond. Instead she looked to her hands folded on her lap. "Do you still love her?"

  Aaron swallowed hard and looked to the windows. Then past them to his father's fields of tall corn. "I thought I did when I first built this place." His words came out hard. He looked back to Naomi, knowing he should tell the truth, but also knowing it would hurt.

  "And now?" Naomi's hands covered her face.

  His anger lessened as he saw her pain. She'd done nothing to deserve this . . . she'd already been hurt. He sat there a few minutes, silent. He told himself to make an effort. She'd done so much—had been there during his hardest days.

  Aaron reached for her hands, pulled them toward him, and kissed her fingertips. "I'm not sure."

  A sob split Naomi's lips and her shoulders shook. "I still love Levi." She gulped down her emotions. "I'm trying not to, but I do."

  Aaron's heart ached for her, and he wanted to make things better. He didn't have the same feelings for Naomi as he had for Marianna, but she was here. And that said something all its own.

  "Naomi, listen." He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. "I care for you more each day."

  "Is that enough?" She turned her head, making it clear she didn't want his kisses to lead to anything else.

  Aaron leaned back, not knowing what to say. She was here, but his heart was someplace else. In Montana.

  Maybe . . .

  A thought formed, then became resolve. He knew what he had to do. He would go there. To Montana. And find her.

  Maybe then . . . he would know.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  Marianna cried until she was sure there wasn't another tear. She sat on a log down by the beaver pond, but it no longer felt warm or inviting. A cold had settled in the air, and even with her coat on, the breeze chilled her to the bone. She crumpled up Clara's letter and stuck it into her pocket, knowing now why Aaron hadn't written. Perhaps his interest was turning to another—someone close, not thousands of miles away.

  Annie had given Marianna the week off to help with the baby, and she'd done the best that she could. She still hadn't told her parents about her plan to leave early. There were a few nights, especially the night the baby was born, when she questioned if she should return. But this letter confirmed it. She needed to go back. Needed to show Aaron that she hadn't abandoned him. Needed to focus on the life she'd always dreamed of—like Clara said—and not pay attention to all the confusing thoughts being here had brought up.

  She was just about to rise and leave when she heard footsteps. Marianna swallowed hard and frustration filled her. Couldn't she get away from the boys for just a little while? Was it wrong to want time alone?

  But as she watched, another figure crested the hill. It was Ben, and he had his Bible in hand. He stopped and his eyes widened in surprise as he saw her.

  "So you found my spot?"

  "I was just about to say the same." She wiped her face, hoping her tears weren't evident.

  The ache that she felt burdened her chest, and she wondered why she hadn't taken Aaron's care for her more seriously. She'd made a mistake. One that could cost her all she wanted most. Anger rose up again, but not because of anyone else. She was angry for herself—angry for the emotions that welled up just seeing Ben there. Why did he have to be so handsome? So wonderful? Why did Aaron have to be so far away?

  Ben neared, his footstep crunching the dead leaves on the forest floor. The wind chilled and Marianna blew in her hands warming them.

  He paused before her. "Mind if I join you?"

  She looked up at him and shrugged. "I suppose not—this is your spot after all."

  Ben sat on a fallen tree and placed his Bible on his lap. "I'm glad I have a chance to talk to you, alone. There's something that's been bothering me. Something I need to tell you."

  "You don't really like my cookies as much as you said you do?" She offered a sad smile.

  "I wish it was that simple. I need to clear something up. Remember when you asked about why I was here?" She picked up a golden leaf from the forest floor and twirled the stem between her fingers.

  "Yes," she whispered.

  "I didn't tell you the whole truth. I think you should know."

  Marianna sat, waiting.

  Ben lifted his chin and looked to her. "I worked up here one summer and then went home. I was living my dream, Mari. My band was a hit. I had a girlfriend in every town. I had money to do what I wanted."

  She crossed her arms over her chest, not sure if she wanted to hear this. Not sure if she wanted to change the image of Ben she'd built in her mind.

  "My band included four other guys. We lived together in an apartment. We went to school during the day and drank every night. On the weekends we'd have parties. I thought I was having the time of my life—" Tears filled Ben's eyes, and she thought he would stop. Instead, he cleared his throat and continued.

  "One weekend we were having a ton of fun. We'd stocked up on alcohol for a big football game, but I don't think we ever got around to turning on the TV to watch it. One of the guys, Jason, was upset because he and his girlfriend had just broken up. He usually didn't drink and said he'd have a beer that night to make himself feel better. Every time he'd have a sip, one of us guys would top it up." Ben offered a sad smile. "I'm not sure why he didn't realize he never drank that beer even halfway down, but he didn't."

  Trapper whined beside Marianna, as if he were listening to the story. She stroked his fur and then turned her eyes back to Ben.

  "We let him finish that one beer and then he kept drinking more. We thought it was funny—he was always the one who'd tell us not to drink too much.

  Well . . ." Ben lifted his head and looked to the treetops. "Jason passed out that night and we left him on the couch. I think one of us even snapped some photos to tease him the next day. The thing was, there was no next day for him. He died that night. From alcohol poisoning."

  Shock race through her. "Oh Ben, I'm so sorry."

  "It wasn't two weeks later I left that lifestyle and headed up here. It took a while, but I found God in this place. I hated myself until I accepted His forgiveness."

  They sat there for a while, both staring at the ripples of the wind on the surface of the pond.

  "All of us had to go to court and had to confess our part in Jason's death," Ben finally continued. "His family didn't want jail time. Instead they asked us to do something instead. Each week I'm e-mailed a name of a minor caught with alcohol. Each week I have to write a letter to that person and tell my story. His family wanted to make sure Jason would never leave my mind."

  Marianna didn't know what to say, but she moved over and sat next to him, close enough for their elbows to touch. "Is it difficult?"

  "It used to be, but now I see it as a chance to share God's love. He's changed me. I'm not the same person who left that place. He's given me peace, joy."

  Marianna nodded, understanding in a way. And then her body stiffened as his hand reached over and took hers.

  "I care for you, Mari. I—"

  "No," the word escaped her lips and she stood. "You can't say that."

  "But why? Surely you know . . ." He looked up at her. "I know what this means—you being Amish . . ."

  "You don't." Marianna turned away. "You can't know." She touched her fingertips to her lips. She cared for him, but she knew that could lead to nothing good. To care meant she'd have to leave the Amish community . . . and her parents. They'd lost her sisters. They'd lost Levi. She couldn't walk away too.

  And it was then Marianna knew what she had to do.

  "I care for you, Ben, but I'm going back to Indiana. There's someone there who loves me very much. An Amish man."

  Ben stood, approaching her. "And do you love him?"

  Marianna didn't answer. Instead, she said, "I'm thankful, though, that I came here. I feel I've found God here in new ways. And I have you to thank."

  "Mari . . . can't we talk?"
>
  She shook her head, and then she took two steps forward.

  "Can you at least look at me?"

  She shook her head and continued on. To turn, she knew would be to see his face. And that . . . would be her undoing.

  Ben could not be her choice. She had to go back to Aaron. She had to make sure Naomi didn't steal away her dream.

  The next day at work Marianna approached Annie.

  "Are you still interested in buying my quilt? I've decided to sell it after all."

  "Really?" Annie put down the cup of coffee she'd been sipping on. "What's happened? Why have you changed your mind?"

  "I've decided to return to Indiana. In two weeks."

  "That's mighty soon."

  "Yes, in a way it is, but I've been thinking about it for a while."

  Annie nodded. "I see. Then in that case you better book the tickets. The price goes up less than two weeks out. Also, this time of year, the tickets sell out."

  "Really? But that means I'll need a ride to Whitefish to buy the ticket."

  "Oh no, I can book them on the Internet with my computer." Annie hurried to the back office of the store. Marianna followed. "If you tell me what you want I'll put it on my credit card. Then we'll just take it out of the money I'll owe you for your quilt."

  Marianna bit her lip. "Ja. I would like to do that."

  The process seemed too easy. Marianna told Annie the day she wanted to leave, and Annie pulled it up.

  "You're in luck. There's only one ticket left, but it's nonrefundable." Annie pushed her blonde hair over her shoulder. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

  Marianna nodded. "Yes." She closed her eyes and pictured Aaron's face. She thought about the home he was preparing for her. She thought about her cedar trunk and all the days she'd spent thinking about her life. That life. She opened her eyes again. "Yes, I am sure."

  Ordering the ticket was the easy part. Marianna had a harder time letting her parents know.