Beside Still Waters (A Big Sky)

by Tricia Goyer

  She waited until the children were in bed. She pulled out her quilt with plans to embroider Annie's name in it, but the quilt remained in her hands untouched.

  Mem rocked in the rocking chair, breastfeeding Joy. "You've been quiet all night, Marianna. Do you have something you wanted to talk about?"

  "I've decided to head back to Indiana sooner than expected. I . . ." She lowered her head. "I asked Annie to book the ticket."

  Dat sighed. "Figured it was coming. You've been different. The last few days especially. You remind me of the look a horse gets when she's on her way home. She could still be fifteen miles away, but when she knows she's heading homeward it might as well be one mile."

  "I understand." Mem's lower lip quivered as she placed Joy against her shoulder to burp. "You are a grown woman. You have a good future back there to look forward to." Mem wiped away a tear. "Thank you for coming, for helping. I couldn't have settled in without you."

  Marianna thought about reminding her parents that they'd only be apart seven or eight months. After all, her parents' plan all along had been to come for a year. But Marianna couldn't get herself to ask if that was still the case. She was afraid of the answer.

  She'd seen changes lately. Her mother was more settled, content. This was becoming home. Marianna was afraid that hearing them say they would not be back in May would cause her to rethink her own plans.

  And she needed to go back. Needed to let Aaron know that she was ready to start their life together.

  If only . . .

  If only she could ease the ache brought on by her thoughts of leaving. If only she could forget about Ben. The way he looked at her. His relationship with God.

  But she couldn't. Any more than she could understand why not.

  Marianna set the large laundry basket by the back door and yawned. If it hadn't been for the fact that Joy would need laundered diapers soon, she'd still be in bed. Knowing that after she left Mem would need help with the laundry, Marianna had also woken the boys. Both of them sat at the kitchen table looking at her.

  "Why aren't you at work again?" Charlie rubbed his eyes.

  "Did you like it better when I worked?" Marianna sorted the clothes into piles.

  "We didn't get up this early." Charlie swung his feet.

  "Well, I told Annie that I needed to work at home and not at the store anymore. I need to get you two in shape. Mem's going to need all the help she can get after I leave. I was thinking that David can do the laundry, and Charlie start the fire to heat the water for the washer."

  "But laundry is women's work," David complained.

  Marianna looked at him, lifting her eyebrow.

  "Never mind."

  Charlie moaned. "Do I have to?"

  "Didn't Dat show you how to do it yesterday?" Marianna gathered up all the baby things and put them into a basket.

  Twelve-year-old old David elbowed his younger brother. "Ja, you need to start helping around here more. Mari's going to be leavin' soon and Mem needs our help."

  Eight-year-old Charlie looked out the window, and his eyebrows frowned as he looked into the darkness that was just starting to lighten.

  "Can we wait? No one needs hot water this early."

  "Mem does for bathing the baby and the laundry." David stood. "Right, Marianna?"

  "There ain't no Amish neighbors close by. No one's watching to make sure she gets those clothes out on the line before breakfast like in Indiana." Charlie walked closer to the window and looked around. Then he pressed his fingers to the glass and looked harder, as if trying to find some excuse for not having to go into the dark. Charlie placed his hat on his head and sucked in a breath, as if trying to get up the nerve to go out.

  Marianna cocked her head and eyed her brother. No one had told Charlie that's how things had worked back in Indiana. No one needed to. Everyone kept their eye on their neighbor not to compare themselves . . . but just to make sure everyone was livin' as they ought.

  As she looked at her brothers, with their ruffled hair and wide eyes, a twinge of sadness made Marianna's breaths heavier. She sucked in air, surprised by the small burden that piled on her chest over the thought of going back. Folks around the Kootenai kept an eye out too, but mostly to see if one needed an extra hand, needed help lightening their load.

  David cuffed Charlie, sending his hat spinning from his head and skittering across the wood floor. "You're such a little kid. Are you afraid of the dark? Scared a deer might attack ya?"

  "No!" Charlie turned and grabbed up his hat.

  "That's enough, David. Jest because he wanted someone to go out with him doesn't mean he's scared. Maybe he just wants company. Did you think of that?"

  "I don't want no one to come with me. Not anymore." Charlie opened the door and looked outside. "I can light the wood fire all by myself."

  "No, I'll go with you." She slipped on her shoes. "But tomorrow you're going to have to learn how to do it alone."

  The air was chilly as they stepped outside. Knowing winter would be coming on soon, Dat had placed the washing machine up on the back porch. The large kettle for heating the water for the machine still sat in the middle of the back yard, and Dat had already put wood under it last night. The large storage container was set up next to it.

  "I'll put water in the kettle while you light the wood. Remember, don't use too much of the gasoline. Only a splash is needed to get the fire going."

  "Will David have to do all the laundry?" Charlie asked.

  "Yes, all of it."

  He smirked. "Then I guess starting one little ole' fire isn't that bad."

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  Marianna pulled a wet shirt from the basket and grabbed a clothespin, preparing to shake it out and hang it on the line. A screech filled the air and at first she thought it was the cry of an eagle. It was a second cry that followed that she recognized.

  Charlie's cry.

  "Mari, help!"

  She ran, spotting David grabbing up a bucket and running to the water container. It was then she saw—

  Charlie's right leg was engulfed in flames.

  "Charlie!" Her screams filled the air as she raced to him. The knot in her belly pulled tighter as she picked up her brother and tossed him into the water container. He sunk to his waist, which put out the fire, but his screams filled the air.

  Marianna turned to David, and her mind tried to piece together what was happening. "Go to the phone. Call . . ." She struggled to remember what to do. "Call Ben. On his cell phone. Tell him to get Dat and bring him home. His number is posted. Tell him it's an emergency." Marianna's whole body shook and she saw that Charlie was shaking in the water, from pain. From cold. It took everything within her to get brave enough to pull him from the water.

  She lifted him, carrying him like one would a baby, and hurried to the house. Mem came to the door, eyes wide. Her face blanched and she looked as if she would faint.

  "The fire—he must have got gasoline on his pants." Marianna moved to the sofa and placed Charlie on it. His right leg looked completely blue, but as she looked closer she realized that the fabric of the blue pants he'd been wearing had melted into his leg. Her stomach wretched. She wondered if there was any real skin left underneath?

  Her brother moaned and his eyes flickered closed.

  "Is he going to be okay?" It was David's voice.

  "David, you're supposed to be calling Ben. Go do it. Now!" she shouted at him. She'd never shouted that loud before. Hearing her, the baby woke and cried in her cradle. Mem sat at the table her face in her hands.

  As if being pulled from his daze, David darted out the front door and sprinted to the phone in the shed.

  Charlie's eyes fluttered closed again but his cries continued.

  "It's okay, Charlie. Help is coming. It'll be all right," she said over his cries, but she didn't know how this would ever be all right. The sight of him on fire filled her mind and her shoulders shook. She noticed he was shaking too, and she ran to her bedroom. The first
thing she saw was the quilt. Grabbing it, she took it to the living room and wrapped it around her brother.

  Then she sat, pulling her brother's head onto her lap, noticing the stench of burning flesh. The front door opened, and she could hear Josiah calling her. She'd forgotten than he and Ellie had been playing with Trapper near the barn.

  "Josiah, go get Ellie and come in the house. Get to your bedroom and stay there until I come for you!" She stroked Charlie's hair. Josiah listened and retreated, and Marianna felt her strength recede too.

  A moment later he returned with Ellie.

  "Is Charlie going to be okay?" Josiah's question came out in a terrified whisper.

  "Yes." She answered with more confidence than she felt. "Go upstairs now and hurry."

  Her brother and sister looked to her and then to their mother and thankfully obeyed.

  Charlie lifted his hands to her as if wanting to sit on her lap, but Marianna was scared to hold him. His leg looked like a log that had been smoldering in an outdoors fire pit overnight and would crumble if she tried to move it.

  "Dear God!" She couldn't have stopped the prayer if she tried. Which she didn't. "Please help my brother!"

  She lifted her face toward the sunny window. "God, we need You here." It wasn't until the words were out of her mouth that she realized she'd spoken her prayer. But instead of shame at praying out loud, she felt a strange sensation coming over her. It was as if God's arms were reaching through the window on the rays of sunshine. Tears pooled in her eyes, and she attempted to wipe them with the sleeve of her dress.

  Her hand trembled—this time not from horror over the accident, but a peace she'd never experienced before. A heavy, thick sensation filled her chest, as if a breath of God's care were filling her up. And at that same moment Charlie's screams stopped, replaced by soft moans. She looked behind her to where David had gone.

  "Please, God, please. Let him get through to Ben." But even as she worried about those things, confidence replaced the panic flooding her. Help would come. Charlie would be okay.

  "Dear God . . ." The prayer poured forth as she begged for His presence, His protection. The sun brightened and the feeling of God around her, inside her, heightened too. It was not like anything she'd ever experienced. God—the God she used to know—was someone who watched to make sure one did as he or she should. But . . . was this the God Ben knew? If so, how could she have missed Him for so long? How could she never have been taught He could be so real and active in one's life? So full of peace even in pain?

  She pulled Charlie to her lap. His whimpers stopped and his arms wrapped around her. With a heavy sigh, he rested his cheek on her chest.

  "God is with you, Charlie. Taking care of you."

  He didn't answer but simply nodded.

  She didn't know how long they sat there but started when the sound of a truck engine filled her ears. Marianna couldn't see the road from where she sat, but she heard it stop. Heard a truck door open and shut, and then heard Ben's voice.

  "Mari!" Ben shouted.

  "In here." Thank You, God! Thank You! Sobs burst forth, and she stroked her brother's damp hair back from his pained face.

  Ben rushed into the room, followed by Dat. The weight of the moment lifted slightly, but the peace remained. She met Dat's shocked gaze. "He was lighting the fire. He must have gotten gasoline on his pants." Marianna tried to explain.

  Ben ran forward, sinking on his knees at her side. "Don't worry, Mari. Everything's going to be okay."

  "Yes, I know, Ben." She gazed up into his eyes. "In a strange way I know."

  She expected her father to follow Ben to the couch, but as she looked up she saw him with Mem. He was holding her, rocking her. Mem's whole body quivered and she had a faraway look in her eyes.

  "It's okay, Ruth," her father said. "This isn't the same as the girls. He's injured but he'll be okay. Charlie will be all right."

  Marianna watched Ben's truck drive away, and she pulled the quilt to her, hugging it to her chest. It was wet. It smelled of fire. And she knew that even if she had to pay Annie back with all the money she'd saved from working she wouldn't be able to sell the quilt now. It no longer represented her future. It represented her life here—the peaceful moments when she worked on it. And now, God's presence even in the pain.

  Ben was driving Dat, Mem, and Charlie to the hospital in Libby. He said he'd call when he heard anything. Before Ben left he gave her a hug and told her she was brave.

  She didn't feel brave. She felt both amazed and sad. Sad to see Charlie's pain. Sad to see her mother's pain resurfacing. Amazed how God had carried her when she cried out to Him.

  It was then, as she turned back to the house, she realized she hadn't seen David lately. He'd made the call, but she had no idea where he'd gone after that.

  Marianna looked in the house first, and then in the fort he'd been building out back. Panic gripped her throat as she hurried to the barn. On her first walk through the barn, she didn't see him, but then as she scanned the loft she heard the jingle of Silver's harness. Marianna hurried to the stall to see David there, sitting in the corner of the horse's stall.

  "There you are. I was looking for you." She leaned against the stall door. Her hands still quivered from the emotion of the moment.

  David didn't respond, didn't lift his head.

  "They're taking Charlie to the doctor. I'm sure he'll be fine."

  "I don't think when someone catches on fire they'll be fine." David dug his heel into the straw.

  She opened the stall door and hurried to him, kneeling before him. Silver looked to them out of the corner of her eye, curious.

  "I'm not going to lie to you and tell you it's not a horrible burn, and I don't know what's going to happen, but I need you to know something." She tried to lift his chin, but he didn't move, didn't look up. "Listen to me." She lowered her head and waited until he lifted his eyes. "I want you to know that what happened isn't yer fault."

  "Yes, it is."

  "No—"

  "It is too!" David shouted in her face. "He asked me to help him light the fire. He was scared. If I would've helped I would have noticed he spilled the gas and—and he wouldn't have caught on fire."

  "You didn't light the match, David. You meant no harm. You were just being a kid. Levi used to tease me like that—make me do stuff on my own—and I've done the same to you more than once. You should have been kinder, yes, and we'll work on that. But these things happen. God is watching over Charlie, but I think He wants you to know something too."

  David looked into her face, his gray eyes filled with tears.

  "It is not your fault. You cannot take back the past. And going into the future you cannot work hard enough to make up for it."

  Even as she said those words, Marianna thought of Mem's face. Her legs trembled, remembering Mem's tears.

  "I've tried for many years to make up for our sisters' deaths. The day they died was the day I was born." Her voice cut out. She cleared her throat and tried again. "But I didn't cause them to die, and I shouldn't be sorry I was the one to survive."

  She pulled her brother into her arms. "God has a plan, David. He did then. He does now. God has a plan."

  She was waiting on the front porch when she saw the headlights coming down the road. Ben had called ahead telling them that though the burn was bad, it would heal over time and they were coming home.

  When the truck stopped, Dat climbed out, carrying Charlie. Mem was next with the baby and finally Ben.

  Dat walked up the steps and turned to Ben. "Can you fill Marianna in? I need to get Ruth to bed. I'm going to set up a bed in our room for Charlie too."

  "Yes, of course."

  Ben approached and she stood.

  "We should go inside where it's warm," he said.

  She looked down at the quilt. "I'm fine if you are."

  Ben pointed to his jacket. "Yes, I can handle it." He sat on the top step beside her.

  "So they say he's going to be okay?" Ma
rianna looked to him, noticing the way the moonlight touched his face.

  "Second-degree burns. It could have been worse. Your fast thinking in putting out the fire really helped."

  "So did Charlie say what happened?" Marianna pulled the quilt tighter under her chin.

  "He said he put gas on the fire, but he didn't know it spilt on the ground and on his leg. After he lit the fire, the flame jumped out of the fire pit and followed the line on the ground. He tried to stomp it out, and that's when his leg caught."

  "Poor little guy." Marianna let out a shuttering sigh.

  "The doctor wants to see him in a few days to change the bandages and check his leg. I think we'll be making some trips to Libby. But the truth is, I'm not as worried about Charlie as I am your mom. She just kept crying. Something about the girls?"

  Marianna looked to the moon that was full and bright and she wondered if it had been that bright on the night of her sisters' deaths.

  "Yes, I had two sisters that I never knew. Their names are Marilyn and Joanna. They were in a buggy and semitruck accident. Dat fell asleep and the horse crossed a big road. A semi hit the buggy and my sisters . . . they were gone in an instant."

  A shuddering sigh escaped Ben's mouth. "I'm so sorry."

  "My mom was pregnant. The trauma put her into labor. That was the night I was born." Marianna lowered her gaze and dared to look at him. "They lost two daughters and gained one. My whole life I didn't think it was a very fair trade."

  "But you can't think about it that way . . ." Ben's voice was filled with sorrow.

  "I know. I'm learning that. I was saying the same thing to David today, and I realized I needed to listen to my own words. But it's hard when it's planted so deep in your heart, ja?" Marianna reached up and touched her kapp. Just as she'd learned to live as an Amish girl, she'd also grown up with a feeling of trying to do enough to make up for all her parents lost.

  "Marianna, I know this will sound strange, especially since you don't believe in praying aloud—"