Advanced Physical Chemistry

by Susannah Nix

  “Right? They look at me and see someone who’s going to take care of them and cook for them and iron their shirts.”

  Esther looked horrified. “You don’t iron their shirts, do you?”

  “No!” Only the once. And only because they’d been running late for a wedding. It wasn’t like she made a habit of it. “But they look at me and see someone who might. I’m a nice girl. The kind you can take home to your parents. And that’s what they think they want—but what they actually want is a not nice girl.”

  Jinny pursed her lips, nodding. “A dirty girl.”

  “Exactly!” In her vehemence, Penny sloshed some of the wine out of her glass and onto her chest.

  Jinny used the sleeve of her cardigan to blot Penny’s boobs dry. “Most men want a little of both.”

  Esther shook her head. “Most men don’t know what they want.”

  “I think that’s why they end up cheating on me,” Penny said, trying to fan her chest dry. “After a while they start to resent the same qualities that drew them to me in the first place. And then they get restless and start to feel trapped, so they go looking for something more exciting. That’s my latest theory, anyway.”

  “Hey,” Olivia said, coming up to them. “Is that a fucking ladder?” With her pale skin, thick black eyeliner, and dark lipstick, she fit in perfectly with the art crowd.

  Jinny lifted her wineglass. “That’s exactly what I said.”

  “Where’s Yemi and Jonathan?” Olivia asked.

  “Night class,” Esther said.

  “Yemi’s over there.” Jinny pointed to the other side of the gallery, where her Nigerian boyfriend was deep in conversation with Vilma’s pot-bellied husband. “Talking to Emilio about tabletop war games. He’s such a dork. I love him.”

  Jinny was also in a perfect relationship with a perfect boyfriend. Penny was surrounded by nauseatingly happy couples. On the one hand, it gave her hope that maybe one day she’d find her perfect match too. But on the other, it highlighted how much of a failure she was in the relationship department.

  “Can you guys keep a secret?” Jinny asked, leaning in close and lowering her voice.

  “Of course.” Penny loved secrets.

  “Yemi’s going to propose.”

  Olivia’s mouth fell open. “What?”

  “Shut the front door!” Penny said, spilling her wine again. “Are you serious?”

  They’d only been dating for six months, which seemed a little fast. Jinny and Yemi both came from conservative Catholic families, so they might be feeling added pressure to hurry up and tie the knot. Or maybe they just knew they were ready.

  Sometimes it happened that way, right? Two people met and fell in love, and they were so confident in each other they didn’t need to wait to start the rest of their lives together. Not that Penny would know anything about that.

  Esther smirked as Olivia handed Penny a tissue. “He asked me for ring advice at work today.” Esther and Jinny and Jinny’s boyfriend all worked for the same company, but Jinny worked in a different department than Esther and Yemi. “He tried to be sly and couch it like a hypothetical question, but it was definitely not hypothetical. And then he swore me to secrecy. Obviously, I told Jinny immediately.”

  “Obviously,” Olivia said.

  Jinny gave Esther a fist bump. “Hos before bros.”

  “No idea on the timeframe,” Esther said. “He’s still in the early stages of the process, so it might be a while yet.”

  “But it’s happening!” Jinny cast a look in Yemi’s direction to make sure he wasn’t watching them before bouncing and waving her hands excitedly.

  “I’m so happy for you!” Penny said. Yemi seemed genuinely wonderful and he treated Jinny much better than any of her previous boyfriends had. They deserved to be happy together.

  It was just…hard not to feel even worse about her own disastrous love life when everyone around her was so blissfully coupled up. She was starting to think she was never going to be anyone’s first choice.

  That was fine though. Penny was capable of being happy for her friends and feeling sorry for herself at the same time. It was practically her second career at this point.

  Chapter Four

  “How come you guys didn’t come in last night?” Caleb asked when he rang up Penny’s coffee order on Tuesday.

  She looked up, startled. He never initiated conversation with her, and now he’d done it two days in a row. Three, if you counted Friday night in the bathroom.

  “My friend Cynthia had an art show,” she said. “That’s why we were here Friday night when…well, you know.” Penny had seen her boyfriend with another woman and fled to the bathroom to cry. Fun times.

  Caleb’s mouth pressed into a pained line, like he regretted asking the question, and he retreated to make her nonfat latte without another word.

  Penny figured that would be the end of his conversational overtures. He’d attempted small talk, and it had been awkward. He’d probably never bother again.

  But when he brought her latte to her, instead of dropping it off and hurrying away like he usually did, he lingered at the counter where she sat. Weird.

  She thought he might be looking for validation, so she took a sip of her latte, which had another heart flower in the foam. “It’s good,” she said, nodding at him. “Thank you.”

  Instead of accepting this as permission to flee her company, he continued to hover nearby, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. It would be one thing if he were actually doing something, like wiping down the counter, but he was just watching her. Staring, really.

  Penny refused to look at him, because she was certain if she did, she’d see pity in his face again. He must think she was still distraught over Kenneth’s infidelity, and that was why he was hovering like she was some kind of wounded bird.

  She wasn’t. She was fine. Really fine. She’d moved efficiently through all seven stages of grief over the last few days and was now comfortably sitting pretty in acceptance.

  In fact, she was glad it had happened. Jinny was right. Kenneth had done her a favor by getting caught before she’d had time to develop a strong attachment to him. And this time, she was going to learn from her mistake. No more Doormat Penny. From now on, she was putting herself first.

  Well, except for her family. They were important. And her friends, of course. Friends were also important. And people in need. You should always put the needs of those less fortunate ahead of your own.

  But other than that, Penny was putting herself first.

  Caleb was still hovering, but she refused to let him get to her. For months, she’d tried to be friendly and gotten clear signals that he wasn’t interested in talking to her. If he wanted something from her now, he was going to have to spit it out.

  Old Penny would have felt the need to fill the silence with conversation, but New Improved Penny was done groveling for the attention of people who weren’t interested in her. Just because he was standing nearby didn’t obligate her to talk to him.

  She pulled out her phone and opened up the X-Files fan fiction she’d been reading last night. Surely that would send a strong enough you don’t have to talk to me vibe. He’d see that she was reading, realize he was off the hook, and leave her alone.

  Nope. Still standing there. Still not saying anything.

  Fine, whatever. Two could play this game. He had no idea what he was up against. She could ignore him for as long as he could stand there without saying anything.

  “What are you reading?” he asked.

  Well, darn.

  It was a fanfic reader’s most dreaded question. On the one hand, there was no reason to be ashamed of reading fan fiction, so she shouldn’t have to lie about it. But on the other…she really didn’t want to field the ignorant questions and disdainful comments that usually came next. Plus, he’d probably assume she was reading smut—not that there was anything wrong with smut. But she didn’t want him thinking she was sitting here reading it while h
e was standing two feet away from her, because that would be weird. She happened to be reading a plotty amnesia fic with only a moderate amount of smut in it. And she wasn’t on one of the smutty chapters right now. So there.

  “A book,” she said without looking up. It was the path of least resistance and technically not a lie, since the fic was over one hundred thousand words.

  She saw Caleb nod out of the corner of her eye and braced herself for further interrogation. After another moment, he heaved himself off the counter he’d been leaning on and wandered off.

  Penny blew out a relieved breath and went back to reading her fic.

  * * *

  Caleb was off on Wednesday, but Thursday morning he was at it again.

  “Got any plans this weekend?” he asked when he brought her latte to her.

  Never once had he inquired about her plans before, on the weekend or otherwise. Never. Once.

  Penny had asked him that exact same question many times, trying to initiate conversation, and never received anything more than a vague shrug and mumbled “Not really” before he made his escape from her presence.

  “Not really,” she said, and shrugged.

  Caleb continued to hover. Was he expecting her to make conversation? Because if so, he’d be waiting a long time. She was done with that. From now on, she was giving him what he’d always seemed to want: silence.

  Malik was working today instead of Elyse, and Penny stared at the back of his dreadlocked head while he pulled shots of espresso. He had on an acid-washed denim vest that looked like something Penny’s mother might have owned in high school. A few stools down the counter, a man in a plaid shirt stood up from his laptop and paced nervously back and forth. He wore a headset, and from his occasional exclamations and muttered curses, she presumed he was on some sort of conference call that was going badly.

  Penny took a sip of her latte and thought about getting out her phone.

  Caleb cleared his throat. “One of my roommates wants me to go see the new Transformers movie with him, but I don’t know if I want to.”

  What? Was happening? Was this the same Hottie Barista who had previously resisted her every attempt to coax him into conversation? After nearly a year of hitting a brick wall, she hardly knew what to do with this wealth of volunteered biographical information. He had roommates, apparently. One of whom liked Transformers movies. Which Caleb himself was ambivalent about. Would wonders never cease?

  Something in her expression made him flinch. “What?”

  “Nothing,” she said, taking another sip of her latte. “I’ve just never heard you talk this much before.”

  “Oh.” He looked embarrassed.

  She set down her cup. “Why are you acting so weird all of a sudden?”

  “I’m not.” This was a blatant lie, and he knew it. She could see it in his face.

  “You don’t have to feel sorry for me, you know. I’m fine. I don’t need pity.”

  “I’m not—that’s not it.” He grimaced at the floor like this was the most painful conversation he’d ever had. It was certainly in Penny’s top ten.

  She waited.

  He glanced up without quite meeting her eye. “I feel bad for not telling you what Kenneth was up to.”

  Ah. Guilt. That was almost as bad as pity. Well, he was in luck, because she was more than happy to let him off the hook if it meant things could go back to normal.

  “You don’t have to feel bad. Like I said, it’s not your job or your business.”

  Instead of looking relieved, he nodded sullenly at the floor. Whatever he’d been hoping she’d say, that was apparently not it.

  Penny had no idea what he wanted from her. She’d offered him absolution. What else was she supposed to do?

  He started to walk off, then stopped and turned back. “It seems like you’re mad at me, is all.”

  Penny’s mouth formed a silent oh. She supposed she had been more short with him than usual, but she was honestly surprised he’d even noticed—or minded. She’d assumed he preferred being treated that way, since it was the way he’d always treated her. Was it possible he’d actually enjoyed her attempts at conversation all this time?

  She really did not understand him at all.

  “I’m not mad,” she said. “I’m sorry if it seemed like I was. I guess I was just embarrassed.”

  His brow furrowed as his eyes met hers finally, causing her stomach to give a little lurch. “You don’t have anything to be embarrassed about.”

  “Thank you,” she said, feeling her cheeks heat at his unexpected earnestness.

  He nodded and left her alone.

  * * *

  “Why not try something different today?” Caleb suggested when Penny ordered her usual on Friday. “Be adventurous.”

  Something had definitely changed between them. It was like the ice had broken, and suddenly he didn’t mind talking to her so much anymore. Evidently, the key to making friends with him was abject humiliation and a little crying. Neat.

  “Like what?” she asked, curious to see what he would recommend.

  “The Mexican mocha with cinnamon and cayenne is my favorite.”

  Penny tucked this information away in the ever-expanding mental folio file with Caleb’s name on it. Favorite coffee beverage: Mexican mocha. Check.

  “Too much sugar,” she said, shaking her head. “One of my uncles lost a foot to diabetes. Do you want me to lose a foot?”

  Caleb’s eyes sparked with amusement and her mouth fell open in shock. He should have a license for those eyes. At the very least, he should have to issue a warning before he let them twinkle at anyone like that.

  “The usual it is,” he said, and went to go make her nonfat latte.

  “You’re looking chipper this morning,” George observed as Penny took her usual perch two seats down from him. He was reading the newspaper, and there was a stack of discarded classifieds on the stool between them.

  “I’m feeling chipper this morning, thank you for noticing.” She certainly was now, after that eye twinkle Caleb had given her. She might be able to get used to this new normal between them.

  As Penny watched Caleb work the espresso machine, she wondered if he’d been smiling at her with his eyes all along and she’d just never noticed. She usually tried to avoid looking directly into his eyes because they were too dazzling. She had a tendency to get hypnotized by them and lose her train of thought. It was much easier to play it cool around him when she didn’t focus on his uncannily gorgeous face.

  Maybe his eyes had been twinkling at her all along and she’d completely missed it. Was it possible she’d been misreading him all this time? Or was the eye twinkling new behavior, like his sudden interest in talking to her?

  When he pulled a mug out of the warming rack, she caught a glimpse of the tattoo on his right biceps peeking out from the sleeve of his T-shirt. It was some sort of writing, but she’d never been able to see enough of it to decipher it. She thought it might start with a T. Or maybe an I. Possibly an L?

  It could be a girlfriend’s name, or maybe his mother’s. Or the name of a deceased friend who died tragically and too young. Or perhaps a favorite childhood pet. That would be sweet. It could also be a bible verse or line of poetry. Or a song lyric. She tried to imagine what sort of lyric Caleb might choose to tattoo into his skin. Was he a Beatles guy or would he choose something more contemporary?

  Penny considered asking him about it, since they were being all chummy now. But she feared it might be too personal. They’d only just begun their expedition into the world of small talk. Inquiring about the body art lurking under his clothes felt like an abrupt escalation.

  She leaned forward as Caleb poured the milk into her latte, fascinated by the way he could create pictures out of surface tension and fluid dynamics.

  “How did you learn to do that?” she asked.

  He didn’t look up as he concentrated on his design. “Practice.”

  His distraction allowed her to brazenly a
ppreciate his physical perfection. He wasn’t just a pretty face—although his face was certainly one of the top three pretty things about him. Penny was also a huge fan of his arms. Particularly his thick biceps, which flexed appealingly as he worked. And then there was the way his chunky Timex watch drew the eye to his exquisite forearms. She’d never paid much attention to men’s forearms before she started patronizing Antidote. But now, thanks to Caleb, she considered herself a connoisseur.

  When he was done, he set the frothing pitcher down and brought her latte over to her.

  “A bear!” Penny exclaimed, delighted. It had a big round snout and two cute little round ears. “I love it!”

  The corner of Caleb’s mouth twitched, which was as close as she’d ever gotten to a smile out of him. “It’d be cuter if you let me dot the eyes with chocolate syrup.”

  “All right, fine.” Penny pushed the latte toward him. A tiny bit of syrup wouldn’t hurt. “Just a dot though.”

  Caleb grabbed the squeeze bottle of chocolate syrup and bent over her cup. “You want him to be a one-eyed bear?”

  “That would be tragic. Permission to use two dots.”

  He made the eyes and straightened, looking pleased with himself.

  “He’s perfect,” Penny said, opening her camera app to take a picture. “I love him so much, it almost seems a shame to drink him.”

  Caleb arched an eyebrow. “Almost?”

  She finished snapping the photo and picked up her drink. “He’s a latte bear. It’s his life’s purpose to be enjoyed.” She pursed her lips as she blew gently across the top. “I wouldn’t want to deny him his life’s purpose.”

  Caleb’s mouth twitched again. “Glad you like it.”

  He was being so convivial, she decided to test the limits of their new friendship. “You know, it’s funny,” she said. “We see each other almost every day, but I don’t know anything about you.”

  He frowned. “What do you mean?”

  Penny took another sip of her latte. “I know more about everyone else here than I do about you. I know Roxanne skates with the LA Derby Dolls, her wife is a chef, and they’re going to name their baby girl Julia after Julia Child. I know Malik plays bass, his band is named Savage Oxide, and his mother lives in Atlanta. Elyse has only been here a week and I already know she’s an accounting major with a roommate named Gwen. But I know literally nothing about you. Isn’t that weird?”