One Look

by Harlow James

  “Us, Jake. I need to focus on Conner right now, and this whole relationship is causing more stress on me and him than is necessary.”

  “Dani, please don’t do this. I know you’re grieving, I know you need to be there for Conner, but please don’t push me away in the process…” I’m begging, the desperation in my voice even shocking me. I’ve never wanted something so badly in my life, and I’m watching her slip away right in front of me.

  “There were reporters at my grandpa’s funeral, Jake!” She raises her voice now, surprising me at the tone I’ve never heard from her.

  “I get it…”

  “NO, you don’t! I just buried my last living family member and all the media cares about is us---why you weren’t there, when we’re getting married---Conner couldn’t even fathom that they couldn’t give us that one moment of privacy. He’s twelve, Jake! He doesn’t need this… and quite frankly, I’m sick of it too.”

  I watch her struggle to keep her composure, but I can feel her aggravation. The truth is, I’ve been frustrated with the circumstances too. But this is the world I signed up for. Dani and Conner did not. I know it’s hard, but I have to believe we can face it together. I need this woman in my life.

  “Baby,” I plead, standing and walking over to bend down in front of her, grasping her hands and willing her to look me in the eyes.

  “I know this is hard. But we can face it together. We’re stronger together than we are apart, babe.”

  Her eyes look back and forth between mine, tears starting to well. I know she cares about me, deep down I know she loves me too---which is why I’m having a hard time accepting the fact that she’s pushing me away right now.

  “Jake, I need you to let me go right now,” she says, releasing her hands from mine and slowly standing, walking away from me.

  “So that’s it?” I ask, my voice growing louder in my anger. “You’re going to throw everything we have away because life is getting a little hard?”

  She snaps her head back over to me, fire lighting up her eyes. The absence of her warmth and spirit is scaring me.

  “How dare you! You have no idea what my life has been like Jake! You’ve never experienced loss like I have… and now, you have the nerve to accuse me of running? I’m trying to be strong! For me and for Conner! And if that means that I need to shift my priorities and make a few sacrifices, then that’s what I’m going to do!”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that you’re weak,” I backtrack, putting my hands in the air in surrender. “I just don’t want to see you throw what we have away because of things we can’t control. Let me be here for you, baby. We will fix this. There has to be something I can do. I… I can’t lose you, Danielle. I lo---”

  “Don’t Jake!” She snaps, turning her head away to hide her fear and pain. “Don’t say those words right now…. Not like this!” Her lips are trembling, her tears flowing freely as she locks her gaze with mine again. “I know how you feel. I feel the same way.” She whispers and then lingers, staring off into the distance.

  “But right now… it’s not enough…”

  And she shatters me, right then and there.

  I feel like I just took a baseball to the chest, the sting of her words spreading throughout my body, my mind reeling with how quickly everything I thought I knew and felt just changed.

  “If loving you is not enough, then what is, Dani? What else can I possibly offer you that can make you see that we are inevitable? Everyone else can see it…. Why can’t you?” My words are harsh, but I can’t help the way I’m reacting. This woman just flipped my entire world upside down. Then, I decide maybe I’ll take a different approach, softening my words and trying to reason with her. “Please slow down. Let’s just talk about this…”

  She backs away from me, moving closer to the door, wrapping her arms around her body defensively.

  “Please, Jake. I can’t. Don’t make this any harder on me than it already is. I need you to let me go.”

  And those words hit me like a Mack truck, pummeling my brain as glimpses of my nightmare come barreling to the surface.

  “Dani! Please! Slow down, let’s talk about this!”

  I’m pleading with her but she just keeps shaking her head, tears now streaming down her face.

  “NO! I can’t. Let me go, Jake!”

  I reach out for her, my fingers failing to grasp her arm as I start to fall….

  I move closer to her, reaching for her hand, but she pulls it away and cloaks her arms around her body again.

  “Please don’t touch me. I’m sorry, Jake. It’s over.”

  My entire body quivers from the aftershocks of my pulse as my head shakes side to side.

  “I can’t fucking believe this! I let you in. I trusted my gut and you’re throwing away everything we have right now because of the media?” The anger is back as I point my finger at her.

  “It’s not just that, Jake. Conner is all I have now. And I’m all he has. Why can’t you see that? He doesn’t need this attention---he doesn’t need to grieve in the public eye, and neither do I. I’m sorry…. I can’t… I can’t do this anymore. Just let me go, please,” she cries through her tears.

  “I knew this would happen. I could feel in it my bones that you were pulling away from me, but I guess there’s nothing I can do to change your mind.”

  I stand there and feel my own tears reach the surface as I fight to hold them back. This woman has broken me, shattered my hopes and dreams of our future. I let her in, trusted my gut… and look where that got me.

  “Fine, Dani. If that’s what you want, I’ll go,” I start for the door, opening it up and stepping outside before turning back to leave her with a few parting words.

  “But if you think for one second that I regret any of this, with you… you’re wrong. One look, Dani. One look is all it took for me to know that we were meant to be in each other’s lives. I’m not going anywhere. I won’t stop fighting for you. I’ll give you your space now, but this is far from over.”

  She stares at me, her hand coming up to cover her mouth as a sob wracks her body and she slams the door in my face. I close my eyes to memorize her at this moment---my broken woman, so afraid to let someone else be strong for her---it kills me.

  I trudge back to my truck, hop inside and head for home, reeling after the night’s events. Never did I think this is how my night would end. All I thought about on the plane ride home was seeing Danielle, holding her, kissing her, and telling her I loved her and that I wasn’t going anywhere.

  Little did I know she had plans to send me packing on a trip I didn’t sign up for---pure and utter devastation and heartbreak.

  I make my way inside once I get home and veer down on the hardwood by the front door to see a pair of her shoes she left at my place.

  “Fuck!” I scream, grabbing her sandals and throwing them across the room, the sound of rubber slapping the walls echoes for a moment. I reach up and grab my hair, pulling it tight to provide some other source of pain to distract me from the agony I feel in my chest.

  Quickly, I remember I have a bottle of whiskey in the cabinet. Reaching for the numbing liquid, I pour myself glass after glass until I can barely see straight. I haphazardly make my way upstairs and dive headfirst into bed an hour after I arrived home, but instantly get a whiff of Danielle’s perfume on my pillow.

  “Fuck,” I mutter into the softness, and then the first tear breaks free. I don’t know how long I cry for because the next thing I know, I’m waking up to an alarm on my phone in the pocket of my jeans I fell asleep in.

  I struggle to fetch my phone and silence the alarm, the physical turmoil I inflicted on my body last night hitting me as I sit up and nausea overwhelms my stomach before I race to the bathroom and hurl myself over the toilet. I rarely drink the hard stuff, and I definitely hit the bottle last night.

  After emptying my gut and showering off the grime of my hangover, I reluctantly fetch my duffle and head for the stadium for our morni
ng practice.

  “Dude, you look like shit,” Rocky surveys my appearance as I walk into the clubhouse, still wearing my sunglasses to block out the harsh light. I feel like someone has stabbed my eyes out with a knife.

  “Thanks,” I mumble, dropping my bag on the floor and slumping down onto the bench.

  “What’s going on, rookie?” He asks while sitting down next to me, his eyes laser-focused on my face.

  I take a deep breath before saying it out loud. “Danielle broke up with me last night,” I whisper, attempting to avoid attention from our teammates.

  “Fuck, really?” He sounds just as surprised as I was, even though I had been feeling her pull away lately.

  “Yeah. I… I ended up drinking myself to sleep.”

  “That explains why you look like trash.”

  I give him a sideways glance that even behind my sunglasses, communicates my lack of humor in the situation.

  “So what are you going to do?”

  “What can I do? She says she can’t deal with being with me and the media with everything going on in her life right now.”

  Rocky shrugs. “I mean, I get where she’s coming from. But you two are great together. Surely, you can get past this…”

  I shake my head. “I tried explaining that to her, but she wouldn’t hear it. I hate to think she’s so consumed in her grief she can’t see that she’s pushing me away out of fear. But then again, I’ve felt her pulling away for a few weeks.”

  “You’ve got to fight for her, rookie. Give her some space right now, but don’t let too much time pass without her knowing that you are still here. You’ll regret it if you don’t.”

  I nod. He’s right. I know Danielle thinks she needs space and pushing me away is going to make things better. But I have to keep fighting for her. She’s the one, and I can’t let her get away.

  Chapter 31

  Jake

  The first home game after Danielle broke up with me caused me to reevaluate my pre-game rituals. For the past two months, I have started every home game looking into the stands and locking eyes with the girl that changed my life with the magical ticket in my back pocket.

  Now, I avoid the stands completely, keeping my head down and focused on the field in front of me. Saying that the break-up hasn’t rocked my world would be an understatement. I feel like I’m carrying a ton of bricks on my chest everywhere I go. I dream of Danielle in my arms again before she runs away, just like she did for weeks in my subconscious. Little did I know the foreboding that my own mind was trying to inform me of.

  I’m drinking more than I usually do during the season too, but it’s the only thing that gives me any relief from the aching in my chest and the heaviness in my entire body.

  I feel broken.

  I feel lonely.

  I feel like I will never be the same again.

  Two weeks have passed now, so everyone knows we aren’t together anymore. My teammates are trying to convince me there are other girls just around the corner, waiting for their chance with the hotshot rookie… but I don’t want other girls. I want Danielle.

  “Dude… don’t take this the wrong way, but I seriously don’t even want to be around you right now,” Rocky comes up behind me, fresh from the shower. We won our game tonight and everyone’s getting ready to head to Sully’s.

  “Well, normally I would take offense. But the truth is, I don’t want to even be around myself right now either,” I state, throwing my clothes into my duffle bag. “I’m miserable as fuck and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

  “It’s been two weeks now, right?” He asks.

  I nod. “Yup. Two of the longest weeks of my life. I swear, Rocky… if I would have known that this was how I was going to end up… I never would have texted her.”

  That’s a lie, a lie I keep trying to convince myself of to make the lack of control on my part seem less monumental. I still would have texted her, because not knowing her would have been worse than what I’m feeling right now. Even though I want to stab my own leg to shift my pain elsewhere, the time I spent with Danielle is something I’ll never regret.

  I ache for her. I reminisce about what she feels like underneath me and in my arms while we sleep. I look back through pictures on my phone that we took of us together. It seems like another lifetime ago, even though it’s only been fourteen days. Yes, I’ve been counting.

  “When’s the last time you talked to her?” Rocky interrupts my trip down memory lane.

  “I tried texting her last week, but she never replied. She told me to let her go… but fuck, Rocky. I can’t, man.” I sound pathetic and desperate, but doesn’t every fool that’s hopelessly in love?

  “Shit, man. Do you think you should try seeing her? You know, show her with actions how you feel instead of just words? Send her flowers or something? If you don’t try to go after her, you’ll always wonder what if? I hate seeing you like this, man…”

  “I’ve thought about it, believe me. But she asked me to stay away. And what if I show up and it just pisses her off more? What if I push too hard and she decides never to give me another chance?”

  “There is a risk in doing that, Jake. But what have you got to lose? You’re miserable as fuck without her right now. Might as well try to alleviate some of the pain. Maybe she really needs you to show her that you’re not backing down…. That you’re not going anywhere?”

  I’ve had this conversation with myself so many times over the past two weeks, debating whether going after her would make things better or worse. Most of those thoughts happen around midnight when I’m plastered and can’t drive to her house.

  And I think back to what I told her before I left her house that night. I told her I wouldn’t stop fighting for her, that we weren’t over. I’ve given her two weeks, but right now, I need to see her. I’m tired of waiting around and drowning my agony in booze and baseball.

  I want my Danielle back.

  “You’re right, Rocky. I’ve got to fight for her. Sorry, but I’m skipping Sully’s tonight,” I declare, feeling a rush of adrenaline spike as I stand and gather my things.

  “Hey, I understand, man. Go get your woman. Don’t let her push you away. When you find something real like that, you have to do everything in your power to keep it.”

  I nod, feeling grateful to have a friend like him to pull me out of my funk and call me on my shit.

  “You’re just a closet romantic, aren’t you, Rocky?” I tease him through a small smile, one I haven’t shown in weeks.

  “Yeah, but don’t tell anyone. I’ve a got a reputation to uphold,” he winks at me before turning back to his locker.

  “You’re secret’s safe with me. But thanks, man. I’ve got to go.”

  I grab my duffle and start for the door, eager to get to Danielle when Coach’s voice stops me dead in my tracks.

  “Calhoun!” He calls, making me pause and turn in his direction.

  “Yeah, Coach?”

  “My office. Now.” He’s staring me down, a hint of anger in his voice.

  Shit. I know I haven’t necessarily been on my A-game, but he’s been a little understanding given my recent heartbreak.

  I tread down the hall and into his office, taking a seat in one of the cushioned chairs across from his desk. The dark wooden desk between us reeks of power, the plaques and trophies lining the shelves on the wall all confirming why this is the guy in charge.

  Bert Thomas has been the coach for the OC Rays for almost ten years, the gray in his hair earned from every close game and call made under his reign. The guy knows baseball and I respect him immensely.

  As I sit, I realize that Tim Donaldson, the team owner, is standing in the corner of the office, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. His jet black hair sprinkled with silver and matching black eyes penetrate the space between the three of us.

  The owner and head coach have called me in for a meeting. This can’t be promising. And as much as my anxiety is going through
the roof right now, all I can think about is getting to Danielle.

  “Coach. Tim. What can I do for you guys?” I’m edgy, quaking in my seat and trying to hide it.

  “As you know, Jake, your prowess as a rookie, is impressive. We’ve been thrilled with the performance you’ve given us on the field as a Ray.”

  “Thank you, sir,” I reply, feeling like there is a ‘but’ coming.

  “However,” Coach continues, and I mentally remind myself that ‘however’ is a just a fancy ‘but.’

  “There’s been a change in our line-up. I’m sorry to tell you this, son. But you’ve been traded.”

  Three Years Later

  Chapter 32

  Dani

  “Conner! We HAVE to go!”

  I feel déjà vu hit me as I yell for my brother to hurry his butt up so we can make it to school and work on time. This pattern of his never really changed, but in the last year or so, he’s gotten even worse. I’ve set alarms on my phone and his, bought him an alarm clock for his room as well since he turned the one on his phone off a few times just to piss me off, and one morning I dumped cold water all over him to get his ass out of bed.

  Yet, here we are again, me waiting on him to finish up his routine in the bathroom so I can get him to school on time.

  Conner slumps down the stairs, his backpack slung over his shoulder, looking as though he just rolled out of bed. His cargo pants are wrinkled, his shirt stretched across his growing body, I’m pretty sure he didn’t even brush his hair, and he looks like he’s walking with his eyes closed.

  “Seriously, Conner. This is getting ridiculous!”

  “Then just let me drop out, Dani. School is pointless anyway,” he argues, brushing past me and out the door. I follow him to the car and buckle up once we’re inside, rushing across town to get to the school.

  Traffic has started to increase as we glide along the streets of our neighborhood. “You’re not dropping out of school, Conner. You’re only a freshman and almost fifteen, and you are graduating from high school, even if I have to sit in all of your classes with you. I haven’t gone there yet, but don’t think that I won’t.”