One Look

by Harlow James

  Life has a funny way of changing in an instant, and mine has been changing in a lot of ways in the last few months. However, my intuition is telling me that this moment is one that is going to matter the most.

  Chapter 29

  Dani

  The next several days are just a fog. Mustering up enough energy to shower is a task in itself. Lochlin doesn’t leave unless I ask, and Jake stops by as often as he can between practices and games because he’ll be out of town for the next week.

  I want to be left alone, but I also am grateful for the two of them, especially Lochlin. Not only is she my best friend, but now she is the closest thing I have to a family left. We have one aunt that lives back east---our mother’s sister---but she’s never been a part of our lives. My dad was an only child, and then there was Gramps.

  I find myself resting on the couch and staring into space, looking around the house that has been our home for the past ten years. Pictures of the three of us are everywhere, mixed in with a few of our parents and ones of Gramps and Grandma. It allows me to hold on to some hope that life will all work out for us in the end---that we won’t end up alone.

  A few days after Gramps died, his attorney contacted me. Apparently he had met with him a few months earlier when he found out about his diagnosis with the aneurysm. Knowing he had a ticking time bomb in his chest, he finalized paperwork and arrangements in his will in the event that this happened. I’m still so angry that he never told me, but I know deep down that if I knew, that’s all I would have been worried about. Even though it breaks my heart that he kept that secret, I know he thought it was for the best and I have to respect his decision.

  Gramps had a hefty life insurance policy in place for when he died, which fortunately paid off the remaining balance on the mortgage and left money to live on and put Conner through college. The relief I felt when the lawyer told me that was the first sense of hope I had felt in days. I knew the house wasn’t paid off, and any house in southern California was not cheap to live in. I make a pretty decent salary at the gym, but it would have been tight to support us both and pay the mortgage.

  He also paid for his funeral expenses in advance and made most of the decisions concerning his service ahead of time, which I definitely appreciated. Even though I felt I would have known what he wanted, knowing he made the decision ahead of time alleviated some stress from the turmoil in our lives. I don’t know how I would feel sitting there trying to pick out a casket or headstone. He really made it as easy as possible on us, when losing him was never going to feel easy to begin with.

  “Conner?” I knock on the door to his bedroom, hoping he’ll actually talk to me. It’s the morning of Gramps’ funeral and we need to get going.

  I slowly push open the door and see my brother, standing in front of his mirrored closet doors, struggling to tie his tie. His dark hair is styled neatly and he’s dressed in black slacks and a black button-down shirt.

  “Do you need some help?” I ask cautiously, not sure of what reaction I’m going to get out of him today. Ever since I delivered the news, Conner has either refused to speak to me or made his anger blatantly known. He’s thrown things in his room or blared his music so loud it shook the walls.

  Our neighbors, the Thompson’s, even came to check on us when they heard the ruckus. Lindy and Pete have always been outstanding neighbors and assured me they were there if I needed anything, seeing as how I was now the legal guardian of my twelve-year-old brother.

  “No, I don’t need your help. I need Gramps,” he chokes out before ripping off the tie and throwing it on the floor.

  “Conner,” I whisper, approaching him and feeling his despair radiate off of him in waves.

  “Don’t, Dani! I just won’t wear a stupid tie. Gramps will just have to understand. He’s not here to help me, and you’re a girl, so you don’t know how…. This whole thing is just so unfair,” he breaks at the end, his tears coming fiercely as he sits on his bed and holds his head in his hands.

  I sit down next to him and pull him into me, feeling the moisture from his cries hit my black dress, but not caring at all. He lets me hold him as he releases the emotions he’s been bottling up inside. My brother is twelve and has lost the only parent he has ever truly known. I remember what it felt like to lose my parents, but he was only two. He didn’t understand what that was like. This loss… this loss he will feel forever.

  “I know it’s unfair. I feel the same way. But buddy, you and I have to stick together now. It’s just us. We are the only family we have left. I know you are angry because, believe me, I am too. But I need you to stop fighting me and realize that I love you and I’m not going anywhere.”

  He lifts his head and looks at me, his eyes are bloodshot and still leaking. He nods and pulls me in for a hug, granting me one tiny sliver of tranquility before we lay our grandpa to rest.

  We arrive at the ceremony just before ten in the morning, the hot California sun already beating down on us as we take our seats. Three rows of folding white chairs are lined up adjacent to the coffin, where white roses lay neatly on top. A table with his picture of him dressed in his Army greens sits on a easel adjacent to the podium where the pastor will give his speech.

  A few over grown and mature trees nearby provide a sliver of shade and reprieve from the sun, as we wait for the ceremony to begin.

  The service is small---just the two of us, Lochlin, her parents, and a few of Grandpa’s friends from the senior citizen center. He didn’t get out much since his sole focus was on raising Conner and me.

  The pastor’s speech is short and sweet, speaking about life after death and the serenity we should feel knowing our loved ones are at peace. I think about the fact that grandpa will be buried right next to mom, dad, and grandma, which reminds me that there is one thing to be grateful for---the fact that he is now reunited with his son and wife.

  Conner’s hand remains tightly closed around mine as we allow our tears to fall. The ache in my chest is not only for my own loss, but also for the grief I know my brother must be feeling. I wasn’t much older than he is right now when we lost our parents. There are few words to describe the pain he’s going to feel for a long time. I caress his hand with my own, vowing to provide the best guidance I possibly can through the tough times ahead.

  The pastor is in the middle of his comforting words when I hear commotion come from the other side of the cemetery. Conner, Lochlin and I turn at the same time to see a crowd of reporters and photographers gathering near the limo we took to get here, the vultures clicking away on their cameras and waiting anxiously for the service to end.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me?” I whisper to Lochlin who looks like she could fight someone right now.

  “Seriously?” Conner asks in disbelief. “It’s our grandpa’s funeral and they can’t even leave us alone for that?”

  I shake my head and feel my entire body shake from the anger radiating through my veins.

  Jake isn’t even here. He’s in Cincinnati for a series of games for three more days. He offered to take personal time to be here, but I wouldn’t let him. He made a commitment to his team and I honestly didn’t want to feel like I had to keep it together in front of him. He’s been checking on me every day, but part of me feels like I can’t fall apart when he’s around. I let myself crumble the day Gramps’s died, but then he looks at me now like I’m about to shatter into a million pieces and I can’t stand it. I don’t want him to look at me like that.

  The service ends fifteen minutes later and Conner and I both place a rose on top of the casket as it’s lowered into the ground. The music that plays mixed with the image of our grandpa taking his final resting place makes me lose it, reaching for my brother as we sob together, holding onto one another like our lives depend on it.

  When we feel strong enough to leave, Lochlin takes both of our hands and we make our way to the limo, the crowd of reporters biting to get a piece of information and a picture.

  Where’s Jake, Dani
? Why wouldn’t he be here for you in your time of need?

  Are you gonna marry Jake now so you can give Conner a dad?

  “Just stop!!!!” I scream, closing my eyes, then opening them up to see cameras flashing in every direction.

  “Mind your own business and get the hell out of our way!” I pull Lochlin and Conner to the limo, pushing them both inside before slamming the door shut and urging the driver to leave quickly.

  “That was insane!” Lochlin declares as we finally exit the cemetery, even though photographers are still snapping pictures and trying to follow us.

  “Please don’t go to our house right away,” I tell the driver who agrees to circle around town for a while before taking us home. I hold Conner close to me while trying to get my heart rate back under control. He doesn’t deserve this intrusion in his life, especially at a time like this.

  Finally, home and settled in, Lochlin and I pour some wine while Conner decides to lie down. I’ve never seen my brother cry like that today and I’m sure it took it out of him.

  “Loch, I don’t know what to do…” I start, taking a huge gulp of my wine for liquid courage to say what I’m about to say.

  “What do you mean, Dani?”

  “Everything. Conner. Jake….”

  “Well, the Conner thing is easy---I guess easy wouldn’t be the right word now that I think about it. But just keep doing what you’ve always done---be the best big sister that boy could ever have.”

  “Yeah, but it’s kind of like I’m his mom now.” It’s so weird to think that I always felt that way, and now it’s the reality.

  “Only if you make it that way. I mean, he obviously needs to respect you, but don’t let it get weird. Just watch him, though. He’s at such a critical age for this to happen. I hope he doesn’t let it destroy him.”

  I sigh. “Yeah, that’s my fear. He has to be my number one priority right now, Loch. And this thing with Jake… it’s getting out of control.”

  “The media?” She asks, gulping down wine alongside me.

  “Yeah. I mean, you saw that today. That was insane! How am I supposed to live my life like that? Conner doesn’t need that attention. My outburst is going to be all over the internet.” I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “I just don’t know if I can do this anymore.”

  It’s the first time I’ve uttered the words out loud, but they’ve been there in the back of my mind for weeks. I know I love Jake, and less than two weeks ago, I felt that was enough. It was the only sense of turmoil I had in my life.

  And then Gramps died, and now my life is completely different and my priorities are no longer the same. As much as I love Jake, I just don’t know if now is the time to be dealing with this.

  “Are you saying you want to end things with him?” Lochlin is sitting on the edge of her seat, waiting for my reply.

  I wait a good moment before I respond. “I honestly don’t know. I have a lot to think about and I need to make sure I’m making the best decision for Conner and me.”

  Lochlin stares at me before she finishes her wine and sets her glass down. “I feel guilty, you know.”

  “About what?”

  “It’s my fault you’re in this mess. If I had never put your number on that ticket, none of this ever would have happened.”

  I stand up and sit next to my best friend, reaching for her hands and willing her to look at me. “Loch, I don’t blame you at all, okay? I don’t regret the time I’ve spent with Jake. He means a lot to me and I know I love him. But right now, I just don’t know if the timing is right.”

  She nods, tears slipping down her face. “I’m so sorry you’re going through this, Dani,” she mutters as I let my tears slip free as well, and we hold each other and talk until she finally leaves a few hours later.

  I walk around the house, empty and quiet. All of Gramps’ things need to be packed and stored or donated still, but I just don’t have the mental capacity to deal with that right now. Instead, I grab the bottle of wine and make my way outside onto the porch, thinking about how excited Gramps was a few weeks ago to spend the summer nights out here together.

  The coolness that comes as the sun goes down is my favorite part of summer. An evening after the sweltering heat beats down on you is unparalleled, the feel of the breeze on your skin like silk, cooling and refreshing. I search the yard, admiring the shrubs, trees, and flowers that Gramps worked so hard to maintain, providing such a beautiful backdrop for our summer nights at home.

  Well, here it is---summer and night time---and I’m out here alone. I raise my glass. “To you, Gramps. I love you.”

  I feel a breeze pass through and wonder if that’s him, telling me that everything is going to be alright.

  Trust my path.

  I hear his words in my head as I sip my wine and let a few more tears fall, knowing that the war in my head and heart won’t end without someone getting hurt.

  Chapter 30

  Jake

  The stretch we played in Cincinnati felt like the longest week in my life. Baseball has always been my saving grace, my one true love---until Danielle locked eyes with me and my world was turned upside down. Everything I thought I once knew has been shifted. Baseball still holds a place in my heart, but I’ve definitely made room for the beautiful woman who now makes me realize there’s more to life than the game I’ve dedicated my entire life to.

  It’s been killing me to be away from her, knowing she’s going through this loss and the new changes in her life and I can’t physically be there to support her. We’ve talked on the phone here and there, but nothing like it was a few weeks ago. I’m trying not to read too much into it, knowing that her grief is a huge factor in the change in her demeanor right now. But a small part of me can’t help but feel like she’s pulling away from me. It’s been this nagging feeling in me ever since her graduation, and now I’m having a hard time pushing it down.

  We land in Los Angeles late at night, but early enough that I text Danielle to see if she’s okay with me stopping by to see her, and she agrees.

  My heart is racing as I drive to her house once I get my truck from the stadium. I wipe the clamminess of my palms on my pants as the wheels of my truck roll down the streets of her neighborhood. I don’t think I’ve been this nervous to see her since I picked her up for our first date.

  I just want to hold her, kiss her, and take any of her pain away that I can. I feel so helpless when I’m away, knowing that I can’t wrap her in my arms and absorb some of the anguish she’s feeling. Besides my family, I’ve never felt the need to be there for someone else so deeply. This woman has changed me in more ways than one.

  When I pull up to her house, I notice the lamp in the living room is on through the window, highlighting Danielle’s delicate face framed by the curtains as she stares off into the distance in the room. I kill the engine and make my way to the door, never stopping myself from observing her.

  She’s not my Danielle right now, the bubbly and spirited woman who knocked me on my ass and convinced me to be adventurous and take some risks. She’s not the woman who makes my whole body warm up from her touch. I feel like she’s a woman whose life is changing, and I’m not sure I’m still a part of it.

  I knock on the door, watching her as the noise disturbs the trance she was just under. She glides across the room and answers the door, her eyes dark and gloomy, her hair hanging softly around her face but tucked behind her ears. She’s dressed in yoga pants and a light t-shirt, casual yet still completely stunning.

  “Hey, gorgeous,” I greet her, leaning in for a kiss. She meets me halfway, pressing her lips to mine in a soft embrace before stepping back too soon.

  “Hey,” she replies, opening the door wider so I can come inside but avoiding eye contact with me. We make our way back over to the couch, where she sits further away from me than I would like. The distance between us is palpable.

  “How are you?” I ask hesitantly, not sure I want to know the answer. There’s tension in the air
, unspoken words that are clouding our reunion.

  “Um, I’m okay.”

  “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for the funeral, Danielle. I wanted to be there, I hope you know that…”

  “I know,” she cuts me off. “But… we actually need to talk, Jake.”

  Those words are rarely followed by something pleasant. I have little experience, but from what I’ve heard, this conversation probably won’t end well.

  “Okay…” I trail off, letting her take the lead.

  “Reporters showed up at Gramps’ funeral, Jake,” she states, the same solemn expression from before still plastered to her face.

  “I saw… I’m so sorry, babe,” I start to apologize, but she puts her hand up to stop me. Brandon showed me the articles and videos that surfaced the internet the day after the service. Danielle’s frustration and despair killed me, knowing that the moment when she had to bury her grandpa wouldn’t have been ruined if it weren’t for the fact that she’s in my life.

  “It’s not your fault, Jake. Stop saying you’re sorry.”

  “Okay…”

  She lets out a long sigh. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the past week. And bottom line, whatever I do from now on in my life has to be what’s best for Conner.”

  I nod. “I get it and agree. How is he?”

  She shakes her head, her eyes lowering to her hands in her lap. “He’s taking this really hard, which tells me that he needs me now more than ever.”

  I narrow my eyes at her, listening to what she’s saying and agreeing whole-heartedly, but still reading between the lines.

  “What are you trying to say, Dani?”

  She sighs before looking back up at me. “I’m saying I can’t do this anymore, Jake.”

  And I feel the floor drop out from under my feet. If I wasn’t sitting down right now, I’d be bracing myself to fall.

  “What can’t you do anymore?” I ask, needing clarification on the devastation this woman is causing in my chest. The cavity of where my heart is beating is getting blacker by the second.