Future Queens of England

by Ryan Matthews

  “Okay, okay,” Tony said with growing impatience, “so I will never understand whelk smurfs or whatever it is.” He paused for a moment, “Look,” he said trying to get the conversation back on track, “I shouldn’t have slapped you today Uwe, I just thought that you were going too far.” He broke eye contact with Uwe, “I’m just not very good at expressing myself, that’s all. I just did what comes naturally to me.” He stopped mumbling before adding, “It won’t happen again. Sorry!”

  Gareth smiled at Tony from across the room and mouthed the words ‘well done’.

  Uwe looked at Tony. “Ja, okay,” he said, extending his hand.”

  Tony took Uwe’s hand and they shook on it.

  “Friends?” Uwe said tentatively.

  “Let’s not get carried away,” Tony said with a smile, breaking the tension in the room.

  Suddenly Marc leapt up and ran to his cupboard. He rifled through the contents before pulling out some bottles of wine, “I think this calls for a drink,” he shouted. “Come on, let’s get pissed!”

  Chapter Twelve

  “Well guys, last time we played we took a hell of a beating,” Tony said pacing up and down in front of them. “But we’re not going to let that happen today, are we?” he shouted in an attempt to motivate them.

  “No Tony,” they shouted back at him.

  He scowled at them. “Say it like you mean it!” he ordered angrily.

  “No Tony!” they bellowed back at him with gusto.

  Tony nodded with approval. “Yeah, that’s right. It won’t happen again. We all remember what happened last time, don’t we?” He shuddered as he recalled the bet he had lost and that now infamous evening at the strip club that followed. “We’ve trained hard, we have a game plan, we can’t lose,” he stopped and thought about this. “No. We won’t lose!”

  “How can you be so sure this time?” Bruce said.

  Tony stared him right in the eye. “Who are we playing today?”

  “The girls from the lesbian school,” Bruce replied meekly.

  “Then you’ve answered your own question then. We won’t be beaten by a load of girls,” Tony said laughing. The idea was preposterous to him.

  Hugh raised his hand timidly and spoke up. “Actually, I’ve heard that they are pretty good, Tony.”

  “Listen to me!” Tony commanded. “I’ve seen a lot of films about lesbians in my time and although these programmes weren’t exactly what you’d call documentaries, I do know one thing for sure.”

  “What’s that?” Hugh said as he hung on Tony’s every word.

  “I’ll tell you,” Tony said smugly. “The lesbians that I’ve seen in films do not look like they can handle themselves on the hockey field. This will be a walk-over.” He strode over and picked up his hockey stick. “Are you ready to kick some arse?”

  “Yes!” they shouted in unison.

  “Then let’s do it.” He stood on the spot and started to stamp his feet in a rhythmic pattern. Slowly the whole team began to copy him until they were all stamping their feet together. The tempo of their stomping boots on the hard floor grew faster and faster until eventually it blurred into an excited mesh of noise.

  “Let’s go!” Tony cried as he pushed the outside door open and they ran out together in a huddle, picking up their hockey sticks on the way out.

  They emerged cheering from the changing rooms onto the pitch as one. Their feet stomped on the muddy ground. Their breath billowed up like smoke in the cold November air as they marched out onto the pitch. Then Tony looked up and saw the other team.

  “Hang on,” he said, coming to an abrupt stop. “I thought you said that we were playing lesbians today?”

  “We are,” said Hugh.

  “Then who are those blokes over there?” Tony asked.

  “They’re not blokes, Tony!” Keenan replied.

  Tony’s face fell as he looked at his opponents. “Jesus Christ!” he exclaimed in total disbelief.

  There before him stood sixteen absolute behemoths dressed in their black and white hockey strips. All of them had more or less the same haircut, dyed black, parted in the centre and shaved into a step at the back. They turned to face Tony and his team, waved their hockey sticks and began to jeer.

  “My god. They’re built like brick shithouses,” Tony said in awe. “Ben, Ben,” he said keeping his voice low so that his opponents wouldn’t hear them, “why didn’t you warn us about them?”

  “Well, to be honest, I thought it best not to. I thought that it might make you nervous,” Ben said sheepishly.

  “Oh right, brilliant. That was a great plan,” Tony muttered. “Look, we have to make the best of a bad situation, so fill me in.”

  “I’ll fill you in, big boy,” Bruce said, almost tripping over his words in his dash to make the most of this innuendo opportunity.

  “Not now, Bruce!” Tony said brusquely, “we haven’t got time for that today.”

  “Sorry ,Tony, you’re right,” Bruce said apologetically, “please carry on.”

  “So tell me then, Ben,” Tony said, prompting him.

  “Well, here’s what I know,” Ben said in a whispered tone, taking them into his confidence. “The captain is known as Lezzy Lex.”

  “Why do you think she’s called that then?” Hugh said.

  “Shit ,Hugh, just be quiet for a minute,” Tony snapped, losing his temper.

  “She is a real ball-breaker and an absolute psychopath. She’s a man-hater and a queen bitch. She makes you seem like a Sunday school teacher, Tony,” Ben said, labouring the point.

  “Okay, okay, I get the picture,” Tony said impatiently. “Do you know anything else about them?”

  “The only other one that I recognise is her vice-captain, Cunnilingus Carol,” Ben said, looking over his shoulder.

  “Wow, as far as nicknames go, that’s a bit of a mouthful,” Hugh said.

  “Yeah, don’t mess with her or she’ll leave a nasty taste in your mouth,” Bruce said, thinking the innuendo embargo was over.

  “Will you two just shut up for one minute, this is serious,” Tony said, completely losing his cool.

  Tony looked back at Ben. “Anything else?”

  “No, nothing else,” Ben said, though his voice didn’t carry its normal level of authority.

  Tony noticed a micro-expression flicker on Ben’s face. “There’s something that you’re not telling me, Ben.”

  Ben tried to avoid Tony’s stare. “No, honestly, Tony, that’s all I know.”

  “I don’t believe you. You’re holding out on me, aren’t you?” Tony leaned closer to him. “Tell me!” he ordered.

  Ben gulped. “Well, I didn’t want to tell you this. But they’re undefeated. They win the league every single season.”

  “What?” Tony gasped.

  “Look, I’m sure we’ll be alright,” Keenan said sanguinely, “we’ll just give it our best shot, eh?”

  Just then the whistle blew and the umpires called for the teams to prepare for play. Before they disbanded from their huddle, Tony spoke up.

  “We need to go in fighting today. We really need to be aggressive,” he said, trying to rally the troops. “You know how much I want this and we’ve trained too hard to lose today. Just think; if we beat the league champions then we’ll be unstoppable.” He paused to let his words sink in. “Are you with me?” he roared.

  “We’re with you, Tony,” Keenan roared back.

  “Come on, let’s do this!” Uwe snarled.

  “Let’s give those lesbians a real pounding,” Bruce said, seizing his chance.

  “Go on guys, you can do it,” Ben shouted, swept along by the flood of emotion.

  Tony and his team marched onto the pitch to a chorus of boos from their opponents and their supporters.

  Ben looked around him at the handful of supporters on their side and shrugged. “Go on, lads. Show them what we’re made of.”

  Louise trotted out from the main building and walked up to Ben. “Have I missed mu
ch?”

  “No, they’re just getting started,” Ben replied.

  Louise put her hands to her mouth and shouted, “Come on guys, I know you can do it.”

  Tony’s heart quickened on hearing Louise’s voice, and he instantly looked around to find her. He made eye contact and then realised how desperate this must have appeared and quickly turned back to face the umpires.

  One of the umpires beckoned to Lezzy Lex, the away team’s infamous captain. She walked slowly towards Tony and the two umpires. She was sneering. Lex got ever closer to Tony but made no indication of stopping. Tony knew a show of dominance when he saw one and held his position. She brought her face within inches of Tony’s, but Tony remained there, unflinching.

  As the two of them stayed locked in position one of the umpires took a coin from his pocket and spoke. “The away team gets to call the toss.”

  “Heads,” she said, without moving her gaze. Tony felt the warmth of her breath on his face. His eyes glinted momentarily; he closed his mouth and belched, then casually blew onto Lex’s face. Her expression hardened and she breathed hard through her nose to take in what Tony had offered. Silently Tony admired her brio.

  The umpire tossed the coin, he caught it as it fell back to earth and shouted the result: “Heads it is.”

  “Let’s do this!” Lezzy Lex shouted into Tony’s face.

  “Bring it on,” Tony replied before taking a few steps back into the home team’s half.

  The home side umpire ran a few metres behind Tony and took his position.

  The away side umpire blew his whistle and Lex cracked the ball back to her team. The away side umpire followed the ball and Lex charged forwards towards Tony. She checked to make sure the umpires weren’t looking and then lifted her hockey stick and rammed it into Tony’s ribcage. Tony gasped and bent double, but refused to fall to his knees. He took a moment to compose himself before standing up straight again. Lex seemed surprised to see Tony’s quick recovery.

  “Is that all you’ve got?” he said defiantly. “You’ll have to do better than that?”

  “Oh, there’s plenty more where that came from,” she replied, and with that she ran towards Tony’s goal.

  “Carol! To me!” Lex shouted as she ran towards the goal.

  Her team-mate, Carol, hit the ball back across to her, but Bruce ran and intercepted it. He turned and chipped the ball to Uwe, who snaked between his opponents as he charged towards the away team’s goal.

  Lex barked orders to her team-mates to take their positions in front of their goal. “Carol, cover the left side. Joan, you take the right. Kath, you cover the rear. Daphne, pull it in closer.” She started to build a lesbian wall of defence, impenetrable to anything with balls.

  “Uwe! Over here,” Keenan shouted as he ran parallel to Uwe.

  As an attacker came towards Uwe he passed the ball at the last minute. Keenan scooped it up and darted towards the goal. He lifted his stick and belted the ball towards the goal mouth; a crack rang out across the field and echoed off a nearby building. The ball raced towards the lesbian’s goal but was saved by their defence line. This was met with cheers from the away team’s supporters and groans from the home team.

  Quick as a flash, Yvonne, the goalie, kicked the ball back to Joan, one of the defenders, who took the ball back into their opponents’ half. Hugh prepared himself in the goalmouth for the coming onslaught just as Tony had instructed him. He crouched slightly and raised his hands to cover as much of the goal as possible. As his opponents came closer he gripped his hockey stick ever tighter.

  “Hold your position, Hugh!” Tony ordered as he failed to tackle Joan.

  His opponent ran on, passed the ball through Keenan’s legs and into the area in front of Lezzy Lex. She instantly stormed into the ‘D’ and towards the goal before smacking the ball with all her strength. The ball left the ground slightly and whizzed towards Hugh’s knees. The away team cheered as Hugh bit his lip waiting for ball to strike him, and he did not have to wait long. The ball hit Hugh’s leg pads with a thud. He let out a small grunt but the thought of the impact was worse than the reality. He quickly lowered his stick and hit the ball back out onto the pitch towards Paul, his nearest defender.

  “Good save, Hugh,” Tony shouted. “Keep it up.”

  Hugh swelled with pride, his smock rippled victoriously in the breeze. He grinned from behind his hockey helmet and watched Tony and the others race towards the other end of the pitch through the bars in his visor, and the battle continued, with neither team scoring.

  Eventually, the away umpire blew the half-time whistle. Both teams ran towards their own goals to rest and discuss tactics for the second half.

  Ben left Louise and the other supporters at the side of the pitch and ran over to where his team were congregating. “You’re not doing bad, guys,” he congratulated. “Half-time and still nil, nil. That’s the best our school has ever done against them.”

  “Nil, nil is not good enough,” Tony grumbled.

  “But they’re the best team in the league,” Ben exclaimed. “You are really holding your own here. It’s brilliant!”

  “It’s not good enough,” Tony repeated. “We need to do more; we only need a bloody single goal.”

  “He is right,” Uwe said, backing Tony up. “We only need one. We must all focus. You must all do whatever it takes,” he implored.

  The sound of the whistle interrupted their discussions. Ben turned around and trotted back to join the supporters. “Good luck, guys. Make me proud.”

  “Let’s do this!” Tony shouted, holding his hockey stick high above his head.

  “One goal!” Uwe bellowed and raised his stick too.

  The others followed suit and raised their sticks.

  “Let’s go!” Tony screamed before breaking ranks and running back to the centre of the pitch to where Lex was waiting for him.

  “Back for more?” Lex snarled. “You’ve got balls.”

  Tony smirked. “I could say the same about you, darling.”

  The two teams swapped ends and scowls as they crossed at the centre of the pitch.

  The home umpire dropped the ball at Tony’s feet. “Team Queens start play,” he said.

  Tony looked at Lex. “Are you sure you’re ready?” he patronised.

  “Always,” she replied before taking a few steps back into her half.

  The whistle blew and Tony ran forward dribbling the ball. Lex stepped forward to intercept him and swung her stick. Their hockey sticks collided as they fought for possession. Lezzy Lex hooked the ball backwards away from Tony but he quickly countered and pulled it back towards him. The others watched on as their captains duelled ferociously. Their grunts could still be heard over the shouts and cheers from the sidelines. Tony gritted his teeth as he lost and regained possession time and time again. Occasionally Lex would let out a high-pitched moan as she tussled against Tony. Lex’s eyes began to sting as she concentrated intensely on the ball and the position of her hockey stick. Eventually her eyes began to water and she was forced to blink. As she did so, her contact lenses slid momentarily from the centre of her eyes, causing a mild blurring. This brief distraction gave Tony the chance he needed and he seized control. He swept the ball away from her, and bent one knee as if to move left. Lex mirrored him and stepped across to tackle him again, but Tony quickly lunged to the right and slid past her. With an incredible surge of speed he dribbled the ball towards her goal. As soon as he had broken free Tony saw Uwe run to take position in front of their opponents’ goal, just as they had in training. Tony put their well rehearsed manoeuvre into practise and whacked the ball up the pitch towards Bruce, who had taken his position accordingly on Tony and Uwe’s cue. Carol ran over to intercept Bruce but he outflanked her and passed the ball safely to Keenan. Uwe readied himself as Keenan played his part, but Lex saw Uwe hovering in anticipation and raced towards him. Uwe signalled to Keenan that he was in position and Keenan nodded in acknowledgement. He pushed the ball past his o
pponent, Kath, before passing the ball across to Uwe. Uwe ran into the ‘D’ and gritted his teeth. A shiver ran up his spine as the ball rolled towards him. He could almost taste the victory. The keeper stepped out of the goal and Uwe skilfully dribbled the ball around her and faced the open goal. He lifted his stick, aimed and swung, but before his stick made contact with the ball Lex shoulder-barged him to the ground and smacked the ball out of the danger zone.

  “Pwheet,” the away umpire’s whistle screeched. “Flick!” the umpire bellowed at the top of his voice whilst running over to Uwe.

  Lex immediately began to protest. “What! I didn’t touch him. He must have lost his balance as he swung for the ball.”

  The umpire in the away team’s half ignored her momentarily and gestured for the umpire from the home team’s half of the pitch to join them. The second umpire ran up the pitch accordingly.

  “What did you see?” he asked the home side umpire.

  “A deliberate foul. Without question!” he replied firmly.

  “I concur,” the away umpire stated. “Penalty to Team Queens!” he declared.

  “You have to be joking,” Lex cried out in frustration.

  “Any more complaints and you’ll get carded and sent off,” the away umpire warned.

  Lex stomped off towards her team-mates. Tony walked across to Uwe and put out his hand. Uwe took it and allowed Tony to help him to his feet.

  Tony leant over to Uwe and spoke in a gentle tone. “This is your big chance, Uwe. We all know that you can do this. As much as it pains me to say it, you’re the best player on the whole team. You’ve got natural talent.”

  “Talent hits a target no one else can hit, but genius hits a target no one else can see,” Uwe declared pompously.

  “Whatever,” Tony said. He then slapped Uwe on his backside and pushed him forward. “Just make us proud!”

  Tony began to chant Uwe’s name over and over again, and the rest of the team joined in as the crowd cheered and joined the chorus line. Uwe swelled with pride and took a moment to survey the court, and he strutted back and forth like a peacock. The world seemed to slow down as Uwe concentrated on his breathing. He steadied himself and visualised the ball hitting the back of the net. His palms started to become so sweaty on the handle of his hockey stick that he could not grip it properly. He wiped his left hand onto his shorts, followed by his right hand. He swallowed and took another deep breath before stepping into the ball and with a quick fluid movement he scooped the ball soundlessly towards the net.