Future Queens of England

by Ryan Matthews

  The onlookers strained to see where the ball was. Uwe let his stick rest against his hip as he too looked to see what had become of his ball.

  Suddenly the umpire raised his whistle to his lips and let out an ear-splitting peep, and then he took the whistle from his mouth and announced, “One-nil to Team Queens!”

  Tony ran over to Uwe and hugged him. He lifted him off the ground and squeezed the breath out of him. “You did it! You did it!” Tony shouted. Amongst the euphoria a small part of Tony’s brain reminded him of who he was hugging and he quickly dropped Uwe back to the ground. “Err, well done, Uwe,” Tony said awkwardly, avoiding all eye contact.

  The rest of the team ran over to congratulate Uwe and patted him on the back over and over again. Then, without warning, Lezzy Lex leapt through the crowd onto Uwe and punched him in the face. They both fell to the ground. Tony looked around, confused, and was instantly rugby tackled by Carol. Suddenly, a lesbian maelstrom surrounded Team Queens and began to pummel them. The umpires blew their whistles time and time again, but this was ignored. Ben ran over too, in an attempt to break up the melee. Ben grabbed Lex’s leg and pulled it hard, and he stepped backwards, straining to drag her from the scrum. The two umpires grabbed her other leg and pulled with all their might as she kicked and screamed. Once they removed her from the fight, the three of them sat on top of her to prevent her from escaping and rejoining the kerfuffle. Once Lex was removed, Uwe was freed up to help Tony overpower Carol. They threw her onto her back and held her, face down, in the mud. With the ringleaders overpowered, the fight quickly fizzled out. Team Queens backed away, as did their opponents. Tony and Uwe let Carol go, and then Ben and the two umpires got off Lex and let her free.

  “I’ll be speaking to the league about this. I’m sending you off,” the away umpire shouted at Lex, showing her the red card. “And you can have a yellow card,” he said to Carol as he sent her packing. “And you. And you too, go on. I will not tolerate violence in any of my games,” he said pointing at the other two offenders.

  “What does this mean?” Bruce whispered to Tony.

  Tony grinned. “What does it mean? It means that they are out of the game and that they can’t be substituted either.” He rubbed his hands together. “They’ve only got seven players left on the pitch and we’ve still got eleven. This is going to be a massacre.”

  The umpires conferred as they wrote down the numbers of the offending players. Once they were satisfied they both put their notebooks away and walked to the centre of the pitch.

  “Are you serious?” Yvonne said. “How are we supposed to play without six of our players?”

  The umpire sneered. “Your team-mates should have thought of that before they launched into that unprovoked attack.”

  Before she had a chance to continue the argument he raised the whistle to his lips and forced her to play on.

  Team Queens squealed with delight as they passed the ball from player to player. They tittered as their opponents ran up and down the pitch vainly, sweating like pigs as they chased the ball to the sound of laughter from Tony and the gang. Eventually, they were put out of their misery as the umpire blew his whistle to signify the end of the game. Tony and the team started to cheer wildly and they held their hockey sticks aloft as they began to sing. Hugh looked up at the hockey sticks as they were being waved in the air and noticed something different. He stopped chanting and singing and lowered his stick. He stared at the base of the stick and a little face stared back at him.

  The phantom!” he whispered. He turned to Tony and the others. “Look, look.” He waved the end of his hockey stick in their faces excitedly. “Look closely, the Phantom has struck again.” Each of the team squinted as they studied their sticks.

  “You’re right, Hugh,” said Keenan, “he’s back again.”

  “Who gives a shit though, eh?” Tony said, starting to dance about again. “We won! That’s all I care about today.”

  “He’s right,” shouted Uwe, and with that they all began to sing and dance again.

  The cheers died down, person by person, until only Tony was left singing.

  “Hey, what’s up? Why has everyone stopped singing?” Tony asked. He turned around and saw Lezzy Lex standing alone a few feet away from the group.

  “What do you want, Lex?” Tony said, preparing himself for more aggro.

  “Just to tell you that you’d better watch your backs, guys,” the bitter voice said sternly.

  “Oh really?” replied Tony, “is that supposed to be a threat?”

  “All I am saying is, watch your backs, you never know what might happen,” Lex said ominously before walking back towards her team-mates and the blue campervan waiting to take them home.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “You can stay in here, but you need to keep as far away as possible,” Tony said nervously. “I don’t want you lot perving at me.”

  They laughed hysterically at how nervous Tony still was around them after all these weeks. The four of them were gathered together in a room that would only comfortably fit two people. The shelves in the room were loaded with various creams, ointments and oils that Tony had never seen before in his life.

  “It’s a little clinical in here isn’t it, Tony,” Gareth said, “hardly the place to get excited.”

  “And you forget Tony, we’ve already seen you naked,” Uwe sneered. “It would be like getting aroused at the zoo in the chimpanzee enclosure.”

  “I don’t care. Sit on those chairs over there and don’t get up without warning me,” Tony ordered, “and look away while I take my clothes off,” he added quickly.

  Uwe and Gareth did as Tony asked and sat down on the chairs.

  “Where can I sit?” Hugh asked. “There aren’t enough chairs.”

  “Just sit on that cabinet,” Tony said impatiently. “Jesus Christ, you really need to make some decisions yourself, Hugh.”

  Tony started to undress to a chorus of giggles and wolf whistles. “Shut it or I’m not going through with this,” he said losing his patience.

  They quietened down while Tony finished undressing. He removed everything but his socks. He cupped himself with his right hand before climbing onto the massage table and lying down. He stared at the ceiling; once upon a time the tiles may have been white. In the corner there was a brown stain where once there had been a leak.

  The beautician entered the room and smiled at them all. “It seems I have an audience today then.” She laid two towels across Tony, one over his chest and stomach and the other over his hips and thighs.

  “So you want the full male body package then today?” the beautician said.

  “Well, I wouldn’t say ‘I want it’, but that is what I came in for,” Tony said with a hint of embarrassment.

  “Okay, well, we will start with your downstairs area then.” She started to warm the wax for the hair removal and gathered together the instruments for the procedure. Once she had assembled everything that she needed the beautician carefully lifted the top of the towel from Tony’s hips and folded it over so just his thighs were covered. “Oh my goodness,” she exclaimed suddenly, “I won’t be able to wax this much hair. I’ll need the clippers first,” the beautician said, taking stock of the situation.

  “It keeps me warm in winter,” Tony said, trying to make a joke out of the awkwardness.

  “Uh-huh,” she said, composing herself. “I can only apologise for my little outburst. That was not very professional of me, but our clients aren’t normally this hirsute and I was a little taken aback.”

  Tony looked confused, “Hirsute?” he said to Gareth.

  “It’s a polite way of saying really hairy, Tony,” Gareth said gently.

  The beautician reached across, opened one of the drawers and took out the hair clippers. “Okay then Sir, I’ll just give this area a little trim.” She switched on the clippers and the room was filled with a quiet hum. She pushed the clippers against Tony’s pelvis and began to trim off the hair. The buzzing be
came louder and angrier as the trimmer fought to cut through the mass of tangled pubic hair. She lifted off freshly-mown pieces and dropped them onto the tiled floor over and over again.

  Hugh nudged Uwe. “Man alive! That is a hell of a lot of hair!” he said in disbelief as he stared at the ever-growing pile on the floor.

  Uwe nodded in acknowledgement. “Some poor devil has to sweep that up at the end of the day, too.”

  The beautician coughed to gain Tony’s attention. “Sorry Sir, but would you be able to un-cup yourself for a moment? I need to trim all round there before we can do the waxing.”

  Tony shot Uwe, Gareth and Hugh a look and then reluctantly moved his hand onto his stomach, exposing himself. He felt vulnerable as he held his breath waiting for the beautician to comment, but she appeared to have learnt from her earlier outburst and conducted herself professionally. As she continued to cut away, Tony lifted his head slightly to look down at her handiwork. He regretted it instantly as he caught a glimpse of his penis and felt compelled to speak.

  “Could you turn the heating up in here, it’s a little chilly,” he said, his voice quivering slightly.

  “Of course, Sir, but there is nothing to worry about, this normally happens with our male clients when they get a little nervous,” she said sincerely. “I believe it’s an evolutionary trait that males experience when threatened.”

  “What is?” Tony frowned, not liking what she was implying here.

  “For the male’s penis and scrotum to shrivel a little. I saw a documentary about it once. I think it’s called the fight or flight stress response. Anyway, all unnecessary organs start to shut down so the body can concentrate resources elsewhere.”

  Tony looked across to his companions, who were holding their stomachs and weeping silently with laughter.

  “Unnecessary organs?” Tony said against his better judgement.

  “Yes, digestion slows, testicles stop producing sperm and your salivary ducts stop too,” she said with authority. “Are you thirsty now?”

  “Yes,” Tony said weakly, “can I have a glass of water?”

  She stopped what she was doing and walked to the door. Tony instantly cupped himself again. She spoke to a colleague outside the room before returning to Tony and the job in hand. “Your water will be along in a moment,” she said.

  Tony un-cupped himself again to allow her to continue. “You’re remarkably well informed on human biology for a beautician,” Tony said to her.

  She nodded. “I love all those documentaries on TV,” she revealed as she trimmed off the final patch of Tony’s pubic hair.

  There was a knock at the door. “Come in,” she said.

  Tony quickly covered himself with his hands as an attractive girl brought him his water. She stopped in front of him and held out the glass for him to take. Tony’s hands stayed where they were, “Put it on the side would you? I’ll drink it later.”

  She nodded and placed it on a table away from them so it wouldn’t get any of Tony’s stray hairs in the glass before leaving the room.

  “Right! Part one is over, now we can give that a wax and shape it a bit.” She took a little of the warm wax and applied it to the perimeter of Tony’s groin.

  Tony smiled and enjoyed the warm feeling. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the touch of a woman. “Hey love,” Tony said to the beautician, “I don’t suppose you do extras?” he said only half jokingly.

  She frowned. “So you’re asking me to wank you off in front of your three friends?”

  Tony’s face fell, “Uh, I haven’t thought this through properly.”

  Hugh laughed so hard that he started choking so Gareth smacked him on the back to clear his airways.

  The beautician carried on regardless as if Tony hadn’t spoken and applied the strips. “Are you ready for this?” she said with one hand poised.

  “Please hold on a moment,” Uwe called over to the beautician. She stopped for a moment whilst Uwe spoke directly to Tony. “Here is your first German lesson Tony,” Uwe said with glee. “I am about to experience schadenfreude.” He grinned before nodding to the beautician to go ahead.

  “Schadenfreude?” Tony said, but just as the word left his lips the beautician ripped the wax strip from Tony’s crotch bringing with it a line of hair. “Arrggh, you fuc …”

  “Now, now, Tony,” Gareth interrupted, drowning out the end of Tony’s outburst, “take it like a man!”

  Tony bit his lip. He scrunched up his eyes and nodded for the beautician to carry on. The room was filled with the sound of ripping hair, stifled moans and titters from the on looking crowd.

  Finally she stepped back to admire her handiwork. “There! Now that looks much better, doesn’t it?” her voice brimming with pride.

  “Good enough to eat?” Tony said with a half-hearted leer, his eyes still watering.

  The beautician ignored Tony’s latest lascivious comment and spoke to the others. “Come and have a look, what do you think?” she said, inviting Hugh, Gareth and Uwe over.

  Tony sat up immediately and pulled the towel back over himself. “Get back!” he warned.

  “Too late, Tony,” Uwe said smugly. “I’ve seen it already and now that that disgusting bush of hair is gone your penis looks about two inches longer. Congratulations!”

  “I agree,” Hugh said with a straight face. “Now it looks about three inches long, doesn’t it!” The three of them burst into fits of laughter.

  “Laugh it up guys,” Tony said grumpily, “are we done now?”

  “Done?” Gareth said laughing even harder, “done? We have only just begun.”

  “That’s right,” the beautician said. “That was just the sack; you’ve still got the back and crack wax to come.” She scanned her appointment sheet. “We also have to trim your chest hair, pluck your eyebrows, give you a spray tan and finally, you have a haircut and styling booked.”

  “Jesus Christ!” exclaimed Tony. “Who’s paying for all of this?”

  “I am,” said Uwe, trying to appear magnanimous.

  “Really?” Tony said a little surprised.

  “Yes, really,” Uwe said dropping the pretence. “The truth is I am not prepared to fail this module, no matter what the cost.”

  “Right then, you’d better turn over, Sir, so we can finish this. We’ve got a lot to get through and I’d really love to have a lunch break today,” the beautician said in an attempt to refocus Tony’s attention.

  “Personally I am amazed that you still have an appetite,” Uwe said to the beautician.

  She smiled back at Uwe as Tony lay back down and turned onto his stomach. He sighed loudly as the beautician fired up the hair trimmers once more and set about the unenviable task of trimming Tony’s arse hair.

  “This might take a while lads,” she explained, “are you sure you want to wait in here the whole time?”

  Hugh stood up, “Oh okay, I suppose we could do a spot of shopping while we are here.” He looked at Uwe and Gareth. “I have a brilliant idea. Perhaps we could have a look in the book shops and each of us could buy a book for the others to read.”

  Uwe remained seated and spoke in a voice soaked in weltschmerz. “To buy books would be a good thing if we could also buy the time to read them.”

  “Uwe!” Gareth scolded. “Let me put it more gently. Perhaps we should stay here to keep an eye on Tony. I am sure he wouldn’t need too much encouragement to leave before the treatment has been completed.”

  Hugh nodded, “I guess you’re right, Gareth,” he said before sitting down again.

  The three of them sat in the room trying to look anywhere but at Tony’s backside.

  “Looking at Tony laid out there is enough to turn me straight,” Uwe moaned as he looked around the room for something else to fix his gaze on. He saw a shelf of bottles and decided to spend his time reading the labels.

  “But,” Gareth added after a few awkward moments, “I don’t suppose all three of us need to wait here do we?”

  “I suppos
e not. If two stay then one of us can have a thirty-minute perusal in the shops. Would that be agreeable to you both?” Hugh asked.

  “I’m not going anywhere; there is no way I am failing this assignment. So I will stay here for the duration but you two may do as you please,” Uwe muttered in his usual derisive tone.

  Hugh stood up again quickly. “Well in that case I am going to nip into a couple of shops and buy a nice present for George. It’s our anniversary in a couple of weeks.”

  “Ah, congratulations in advance,” Gareth said brightly. “You go ahead and come back in about half an hour then and if it’s okay with you both I’ll nip out and have a quick shufti too.”

  Hugh gave the beautician a consolatory smile as he walked to the door. He opened it gently and slipped out. The beautician finished trimming Tony’s hair and started to apply the wax and the strips.

  She placed her hand on Tony’s shoulder compassionately. “I just thought that I had better warn you about this. If you thought that the front wax hurt, then this is going to be absolute agony.”

  Gareth quickly stood up and spoke evangelically. “Ah, but you don’t know Tony. He is a man’s man. A hard man. A real man! Aren’t you Tony?”

  “Of course I am! Who said I wasn’t? If I hear anyone question how hard I am I’ll knock their block off,” Tony growled defensively, his testosterone bubbling over.

  The beautician smiled and her mood changed, “I like a man who can stand up for himself. There is something very appealing about a man who can protect his woman.”