Relinquishing Liberty (Second Chances)

by Mayer, Maureen

  When he took the first bite, he let out a moan and I had to squeeze my legs together to control the sensation that was slowly building up. God, that beautifully erotic sound ran straight through my body and caused an ache between my legs that I was now becoming accustomed to whenever I was around Shayne.

  “Liberty, you are a goddamn goddess in the kitchen! This tastes just like my mom’s!”

  “Well I’m glad you like it.” It warmed my heart knowing I could make him so happy just by cooking a simple meal. He enjoyed it so much that ate two platefuls! Jesus, I don’t know where he puts it all!

  “I hope you have room for the pecan pie. Why don’t you go in the living room and pick out a movie to watch, and I’ll bring you a slice?”

  I walked into the living room with a slice of pie and scoop of vanilla ice cream for both of us, and he was staring at my extensive collection of Blu-ray movies in awe. I sat down on the floor next to him and handed him a plate.

  “You alphabetize them?” He leaned his head over looking at me with his eyebrow raised.

  “Well yeah, it makes it easier to find them that way. Why…is that weird?”

  He laughed. “No, it’s just funny because I do that, too. I’m so anal about it, and I hate when people come over and mess them up.”

  I had to laugh because Maddie was the same way. She had to be the most disorganized person I’ve ever met, and she knew I’d kill her if she ever moved one of my movies out of place because I always caught it right away. It was one of my biggest pet peeves.

  “Well did you see anything you like?”

  He slowly turned to look at me with his eyes roaming over my body. “Oh, I definitely see something I like.”

  I shoved him playfully. “Focus, Shayne! I meant a movie that you like.”

  “I was surprised to find The Expendables movies in your collection. So do you actually like them or was that just thrown in there for when you have guys over?”

  “For your information, I happen to love those movies! You can’t beat a movie with all of those classic action movie icons!” I crossed my arms over my chest. “And what guys do you think I have over here? Other than Brett, and the occasional guy that Maddie might bring home, you’re the only guy that I’ve had here.”

  He seemed more than pleased with that answer based on the wide grin that turned up the corners of his mouth. I didn’t know what guys he thought I was bringing home. He knew I wasn’t the kind of girl who had random hookups. I mean, I thought I made it pretty clear that I was a virgin, so it’s not like I was having wild orgies here. Obviously Brett would be over here on occasion since he was Maddie’s brother, but he had nothing to worry about there. Then I remembered the date today with Brett and wondered if I should tell Shayne about it. If I was going to take the possibility of a relationship with Shayne seriously, I would have to start by being completely open and honest with him.

  “Um, Shayne?”

  He placed The Expendables 2 in the Blu-ray player and turned to face me. “Yeah?”

  “There’s something I need to tell you, but please don’t freak out.”

  “Okay, well, you telling me not to freak out kinda has me freaking out.” He smiled, but his brow furrowed as he waited patiently for me to speak.

  “Well…you see…I…um…well it wasn’t really…” I grew even more nervous. What if Shayne didn’t understand why I did it? What if he thought that I was leading him on, too?

  “Liberty, it’s okay. Just spit it out.” He smiled at me so sweetly that it gave me the courage to just blurt it out.

  “IwentoutonadatewithBretttoday!” It came out so fast I’m not even sure he understood what I said. He stared at me for a second like he was trying to absorb my words. He took both of my hands, lifting me up and walking me over to the couch.

  “It’s okay, Liberty. I know we never made things exclusive between us so I have no right to tell you not to go out with anyone else. I’m glad you told me, though.” His smile was genuine. Why the hell was he so understanding? If I was him, I would have been flipping out and calling me every name under the sun.

  “No, you don’t understand. I never wanted to go out on a date with him in the first place. I only did it because I know how persistent he is. Even Maddie agreed that he wouldn’t let up until he got his way. I think he finally got the hint that I’m not interested, though. Remember when I was texting you and said I was at lunch with a friend? Well, he was the friend I was talking about. After he realized it was you that I was texting, he admitted that he already knew I had feelings for you, and that he accepted whatever it is that’s going on between us. Oh Shayne, you should’ve seen him; he looked so defeated. It hurt to see him like that, but what else could I do? I just don’t have those feelings for him.”

  “And you’re saying you have those feelings for me?” His face was tilted down towards his lap, but I could see him peering back at me through his dark lashes.

  I took his face in both of my hands and shifted his gaze up towards mine so I could look deep into his eyes in search of an answer, and it didn’t take long for me to see the love I felt for him reverberated back. It was crystal clear.

  “Yes,” I replied with certainty.

  He smiled and leaned forward to kiss me ever so gently. He hovered there for a second, allowing me to breath him in. Then he whispered against my lips, “Liberty, how would you feel about making things exclusive?”

  My eyes shot open, and I knew it was going to be a stupid question as soon as it came out. “Like boyfriend and girlfriend?”

  He threw his head back and laughed. “Yes, like boyfriend and girlfriend. So what do ya say?”

  “I’d like that,” I said calmly, but inside I was bouncing up and down like a little kid on Christmas morning.

  The movie started and from beginning to finish we laughed until there were tears streaming down our faces. When the credits began to roll, we were both overcome with exhaustion. I cuddled up next to him with my head on his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart. It was gradually lulling me to sleep, but I didn’t want to have a repeat of our last date where I fell asleep before the night was even over. It was already close to midnight, and I knew Shayne had to be up early for work. I probably should have called it a night, but I wasn’t ready for him to go just yet. Just as Shayne was pressing a kiss against my temple, I made a split second decision.

  “Shayne, will you spend the night with me?”

  He rolled over looking at me as though he were studying every inch of my face to see if I was being serious. I sat there patiently waiting, and it felt like an eternity before I finally got a response out of him. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the response I had hoped for. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, Liberty. I told you we could take things slow, and I meant it. I don’t want you to feel pressured into doing anything and then later regret it.”

  I looked down in defeat. “I know, it’s just…I’m not ready to let you go yet.”

  He placed a finger beneath my chin and brought my gaze up to his, but I continued before he could say anything. “I keep feeling like I’m going to wake up any minute now and this is all going to be a dream. Sometimes I feel like this is too good to be true. Being with you is so easy, Shayne; it just feels right…but that also scares me. We’ve only known each other for a short amount of time, but I’m afraid I’m going to get too attached and then you’ll leave me as soon as you realize that I’m nothing special.”

  “Nothing special? Liberty, I never want to hear those words come out of your mouth again. I swear to God, if I do I will take you over my knee so fast…” Shayne practically had smoke coming out of his ears. I giggled and that seemed to piss him off even more.

  “Okay, okay, that has officially been erased from my vocabulary.”

  “If you really want me to stay, I will. But no funny business, missy!”

  “Who? Little ‘ole me?” I said it in my horrible version of a southern accent. Yeah, it was pretty bad, but at least i
t finally got a laugh out him. He started tickling me, and I squealed as I jumped off the couch and ran down the hall towards my bedroom.

  I left Shayne in my room while I headed to the bathroom to get ready for bed. I quickly brushed my teeth, wiped off my makeup and changed into the tank top and girly boxer shorts I recently picked up from Victoria’s Secret. The bedroom door was closed so I leaned my ear against the door, but couldn’t hear any movement. I slowly pried the door open to find him already in my bed and under the covers. He sat up a little as I approached the bed, pulling the blanket back for me, and I could see his beautifully sculpted bare chest. My knees buckled as I climbed onto the opposite side of the bed, leaving as much space as possible between us.

  “I won’t bite, Liberty.” He reached his arm across the pillow, inviting me to move in closer.

  I pressed myself up against his side, and he wrapped his arm around me, pulling me further into him and closing the gap between us. It was the first time I had felt his bare flesh against me. My heart was racing, and I was feeling extremely anxious. I wasn’t sure what the protocol was for times like this. Where do I put my hands? Should I face him? Should I face away from him? What if I kick him in my sleep? Oh God, what if I fart in my sleep!?

  Shayne picked up on my anxiety and leisurely began to rub up and down my arm. “You don’t need to be nervous, sweetheart. Just…think of it as sleeping next to a dog.”

  “But I’ve never had a dog!” My voice rose an octave higher than intended.

  Shayne rolled over, attempting to mute his laughter into my neck. I could feel his body vibrate against my skin and his warm breath cascaded over me, calming my nerves almost immediately. “All right, well, then think of it as sleeping next to your hot, sexy, loving boyfriend who would do anything just to see that beautiful smile light up your face. Does that work for ya?”

  He smiled and winked at me before rolling onto his back. Yup, I’d say that works for me.

  I pressed my face against his chest and glanced over at the tattoo directly over his heart. Before I knew it, I was lightly tracing the features of the young woman’s face. Shayne stilled my hand briefly before raising my fingers to his lips, taking his time to softly kiss each one individually. He interlaced his fingers with mine and brought them back down to his chest.

  “She’s very beautiful. She must be pretty important to have her permanently placed on your body.”

  He looked down at the woman’s face and smiled. “You don’t see the resemblance?”

  I took a closer look, studying her eyes, nose, cheekbones…mouth. Her smile was so familiar. That same smile has been embedded in my brain since the day we crashed into each other’s lives. If I blocked out the rest of the woman’s features, I would’ve sworn it was Shayne smiling back at me.

  “It’s your mother, “ I said with certainty.

  “Yep. That’s my mom…Rebecca. My dad and I got the same tattoos on what would’ve been her forty-fifth birthday. “

  “Would’ve been? What happened to her?”

  “She was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was four. Passed away a little over two years later.”

  Shayne still hadn’t taken his eyes off of his tattoo. His face was contorted in a way that caused my heart to ache and made me want to bottle up all of his pain and toss it as far away as possible. He lost his mother at such a tender age, and yet I could see how much he was still hurting. I wondered if he had been able to hold onto any memories of her. I was thankful I at least shared 16 years with my brother; 16 years I would forever cherish.

  My chest began to tighten the more I thought about AJ. This is why I avoided confronting all of the emotions I had bottled up for so long. It was a side of me I never wanted anyone to see; an ugly side. I was still so angry with my brother for leaving me, and honestly I don’t know if that anger would ever subside.

  I rolled over facing away from Shayne, not wanting to burden him with my own problems. My body began shaking uncontrollably and the pillow quickly became soaked with tears I didn’t realize were pouring down my face until now. This is the part I hated the most: the physical embodiment of my emotions slowly, torturously ripping through me.

  That day I found AJ, I wanted to die right there along with him. I felt like he stabbed me straight through the heart, leaving behind a gaping hole as a reminder of what he had done. But this was so much worse. It was easier to just block everything out and not feel anything. At least that way I was in control. But now…now that knife my brother left embedded in my heart was twisting and turning, threatening to finish the job and slice my heart in two. I hated him for doing this to me. Hated him so fucking much. God, I just wanted to shout to the heavens how much I hated him!

  “I HATE HIM!” I cried out

  “Jesus, Liberty, you scared the shit out of me!” He carefully rolled me over to face him. “What’s wrong? Who do you hate?”

  I choked back a sob. My throat ached and refused to allow any words to come out.

  “C’mon, sweetheart, talk to me.” He took me in his arms, brushing away the wet tangles of hair that were pressed against my cheeks.

  “I’m so s-sorry. I didn’t m-mean to lose it like that.”

  “Shhh it’s okay, Liberty. You don’t need to apologize. You’ve lost someone too, haven’t you?”

  Was it that obvious?

  “Yeah. My brother.” I sniffled as Shayne reached across the nightstand for a tissue to wipe away the tears that were still pouring down my face.

  “Do you mind if I ask what happened? I know it sucks, but sometimes it helps to talk about it.”

  No, I didn’t want to talk about it. That was the last fucking thing I wanted to do. But just like with Brett and Maddie, I knew I would have to let it out eventually. I couldn’t avoid it forever. I was sick and tired of carrying this pain and having to deal with it alone. I was thankful Brett was there to fill the void my brother left, but maybe Shayne would be the one to finally break through and help me begin to heal. Make my heart whole again.

  I took a few deep calming breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth. My ex-therapist told me to try that any time I felt too overwhelmed. Surprisingly it did help. Well I’ll be damned…that fucking quack finally gave me some good advice.

  “Shayne, let me just start by saying I am so sorry for your loss. I can imagine it must have been difficult growing up without a mother, but I need you to understand that your situation is a little different from mine. Your mother didn’t have a choice over whether she lived or died. My brother did.”

  He nodded his head in understanding, but I wasn’t expecting to discover just how well he understood. His face grew very serious as he took my hand in his, delicately rubbing his thumb across the back of my hand.

  “My best friend and I made a pact our senior year of high school that after we graduated we would work for my dad. Like me, Wade had no prospects of going to college, and he’d spent enough time on my dad’s boat that he pretty much knew the ropes forwards and backwards. You can imagine how shocked and pissed I was when I found out he enlisted in the Marines the day after graduation. Never said one fucking word to me beforehand. I gave him so much shit for pussying out and choosing a fucking desert halfway around the world over staying here and watching gorgeous sunsets over the ocean every night on the boat. Straight out of boot camp he was stationed in Khost, Afghanistan, and he just returned home from his tour about six months ago. I guess shit wasn’t much better over here because three months later he stuck a pistol in his mouth and blew his brains out.”

  My eyes widened, and I gasped, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of me. Shayne on the other hand sat there calm and collected with his lips pressed tight in a thin, straight line. I wasn’t expecting him to start bawling like a little girl, but I assumed he had to at least feel something…anything. For Christ’s sake, his best friend killed himself! But there was nothing there; his eyes were barren, void of any emotion.

  My eyes burned from the fresh t
ears that began welling up, but I was so beyond exhausted from my own break down that I didn’t have an ounce of energy left to expel.

  “How can you be so calm talking about it? Aren’t you even upset? Jesus, Shayne, he was your best friend!”

  “Of course I was upset. I was fucking heartbroken, Liberty. We had been best friends since we were three. You think that’s something that I take lightly? After I found out, I spent a whole week drinking myself into oblivion. I didn’t even make it to his funeral. Some fucking friend I am, huh?” He shook his head in disgust.

  “Well, I actually ended up running out of the church during my brother’s funeral.”

  “Yeah, but at least you made it that far. It didn’t hit me until I sobered up that it wasn’t so much that I was upset, I was just really fucking pissed. He took the coward’s way out. No one even knew that anything was wrong when he came home; he hid it so well. He was such a fun loving guy, always laughing and joking around. It sucks because I constantly wonder if I had seen the warning signs maybe I could’ve talked him out of it.”

  I sat there listening to Shayne take the words straight out of my mouth. It was refreshing for someone to understand exactly what I was going through and not place any judgment on me.

  I leaned over and pressed a firm kiss on Shayne’s chest. “Thank you, Shayne.”

  “For what?” He looked down at me with a confused expression.

  “For being here. For opening up to me. For understanding what I’m going through.” I pressed another kiss on his chest, this time lingering a little longer. “For being you.”

  “I’ll always be here for you, Liberty. I know it still hurts; the pain never really goes away. You just have to find your own way of coping with it, and eventually it hurts a little less every day.”

  “You make it sound so easy.”

  Shayne pulled me in closer, trailing his fingers up and down my spine. “Trust me, it’s not. Take my dad for example: after all this time he still attends a bereavement group once a week. He’s still not completely over it, but that’s his way of coping. “