Life, Love, and Other Inequalities

by Argentina Ryder

  Sawyer turned off the truck, and they got out, looking around at the level ground. Sawyer wandered toward the water’s edge. “This is gorgeous. How long has this land been in your family?” Sawyer walked back to the truck, and they began pulling things out of the back of the truck, and setting up their small camp. “Did your grandparents buy it?”

  Matt shook his head. “Oh, no. It’s been in the family for a while. My grandma grew up here. I think it was her dad that bought the land way back when. There was more land back then, and it’s whittled down through the years.”

  Sawyer swept some rocks off of the ground, spreading a tarp on the ground before he set up his small tent. “Did you bring a tent or are you gonna sleep right under the stars, like some wild animal?”

  Matt threw him a dirty look. “I brought some blankets and a pillow. I thought I’d just use the back of your truck. It’s not that cold out tonight. That’ll be enough.” He looked up at the sun settling in the west. “Better get set up. It’ll be dark soon.”

  Matt put the campfire together while Sawyer fixed his tent. It wasn’t cold, but to Matt, it didn’t feel like proper camping without a fire. Looking up, he saw the stars coming out one by one. “I used to come out here when I was younger, just sleep on the ground and look out at the night sky,” he said, setting the camp chairs around the fire, pulling out two bottles of beer.

  “That sounds so cool. Is that why you wanted to go into aerospace?” Sawyer accepted his beer and settled down in his chair with a satisfied sound. “Growing up looking at the stars?”

  Matt took a long swig before answering. How to describe what he felt when he looked up at the night sky. “Not really, but yes.” He shook his head. “I mean, when I was a kid, I remember watching Pathfinder land, reading all about it. Later, when I was in high school, they launched the Mars rovers.” Matt laughed to himself. “I followed those missions like some kind of rock-and-roll groupie. Posters on my walls and everything.”

  “What a weirdo,” Sawyer said, a teasing fondness in his voice. “I love it.”

  Matt picked up a small stone and threw it at Sawyer. “I liked robotics, the way those little machines obeyed their commands and protocol. Doing their job, day in and day out. And… there was just something about the idea of working on something that would touch another planet, it seemed so unattainable all I wanted was to be a part of that happening.” Matt looked up and Sawyer was staring at him. “What?”

  “You just…” Sawyer hesitated, looking for the right words. “You sound so passionate about it.”

  “I was.” He took another swig from his beer. “So how long do you think you’ll be here? Texas, I mean?”

  Sawyer shook his head. “Not sure. I thought I might spend a year in the state, and I got here in… April, I think. I was in El Paso a few months, then worked at a ranch in Marfa for a month or so. There is a lot to pick up here, I mean, so many kinds of food and culture. But I’ve been in Estella for four months already. Wasn’t planning on being here this long.”

  Matt didn’t like that answer, but it wasn’t unexpected. “Ever think about heading home and trying the restaurant business again?”

  “Honestly, I couldn’t go it alone. Maybe someday.” Sawyer played with the loose paper wrapper on his beer bottle. “But right now, this is enough for me. I enjoy traveling, and meeting people and learning about food. This autumn I’ve had a lot of fun with the kids, if that makes sense. Subbing is fun when I’ve parked myself in one place for a few months. But one day, when I’m ready, I’m sure I’ll put my food knowledge to good use and cook professionally again.” He smiled. “It’s what I was born to do.”

  Maybe Matt imagined it, but he felt a slight personal dig, coupled with Sawyer’s earlier comment about Matt’s passion about his former dreams. He pushed that aside. “Your family couldn’t help you?” he asked.

  Sawyer looked at the fire for a long minute before turning his face up toward Matt. “It’s not that they couldn’t help me. They’re not entirely pleased with the choices that I’m making in my life right now. Dad’s a lawyer, brother is a lawyer, and Sawyer is a cook.”

  “You weren’t a cook,” Matt told him.

  “Tell that to my parents. I took all the law school money that my grandparents left me and bought a restaurant. A successful one, but even that wasn’t enough for them to forgive me.” Sawyer took a sip from his beer. “And then I sold said successful restaurant and bought a camper. Went hippie, which was more than their blessed liberal hearts could handle. It was like, Sawyer, we can forgive the gay. That’s okay, but did you want to be a pauper too?”

  That shocked Matt. “That’s kind of hurtful,”

  “Yes, it was.” Sawyer took another swig from his drink. “My lack of ambition is an affront to them. My interpretation of success is not the same as theirs.”

  “Do you talk to them often?”

  “Not that often.”

  Matt thought about this, how he never let a day go by without speaking to his grandmother. “Sorry to hear about that, man.”

  “Some families are like that. What about you?” Sawyer asked. “Sabrina said that she hadn’t spoken to your mom in years. I didn’t-” He paused. “I guess I didn’t realize she was still alive.”

  “What about her?” Matt muttered, then shook his head. “I’m sorry, that was flippant, and you asked a serious question.”

  Sawyer took a swig from his beer. “Well, your answer explains a lot.”

  Matt looked at the fire. “She left us, and I don’t think about her at all.”

  “And Sabrina?”

  “She doesn’t remember her much. She was little when our mother left, just a baby.”

  Sawyer smiled sadly. “So that’s why your grandparents raised you.”

  “Yeah.” Matt nodded. “They’re the best people I know. Imagine working hard your entire life, raising your kid and as soon as they’re grown and you’ve made it to that time in your lives when you should plan fun trips, retiring to the ranch and just enjoying your life, and boom. Two little kids get dropped on your doorstep and you get to raise a family all over again.” Matt could never repay them.

  “They love you two so much.”

  “They do,” Matt agreed, “but it’s been hard on them, I know.”

  Sawyer stretched out his legs in front of him. “I keep meaning to ask you. What is that name they call each other? I tried looking it up but I don’t think I’m close to spelling it right.”

  Matt grinned. “Querido. Or Querida, depending on who’s talking. It means ‘my dear’ and ‘sweetheart,’ something like that. Fifty years together, and they still can’t stay away from each other.”

  “We should all be so lucky.” Sawyer had a sad expression on his face as he looked at the fire.

  Matt finished his beer, tossing the bottle on the ground next to the cooler. “So, Mister World Traveler,” Matt began, changing the subject. “Tell me about all the places you and your trailer have been.”

  “Not traveling the world, not exactly,” Sawyer said. He started talking about his favorite travel spots: The red rocks of Moab, Utah; the Redwoods in California; the cold beaches of Washington. “There was this one spot, here, I think I still have the picture.” He handed Matt his phone, leaning over and scrolling over several images until he stopped at one of Sawyer holding up an enormous salmon. But Sawyer scrolled one photo too far, and Matt saw what looked to be a selfie of Sawyer, shirtless and in front of a mirror; a picture he’d shared with others, he guessed. Matt saw those arm tattoos went all the way up Sawyer’s shoulders, with another on the left side of his torso. “Oops,” Sawyer said, closing the photograph quickly. Even in the firelight Matt saw him flush. “Sorry ‘bout that.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” Matt told him, as if he wasn’t committing it to memory. It made him wonder about who Sawyer spent his free time with, and what happened before he came to Texas. Before he came into Matt’s life. “So, your restaurant. Your partner. What happened there
?”

  Sawyer didn’t speak for a long moment. “The lesson learned there was that you shouldn’t mix business with pleasure.” Leaning back in his chair, he continued. “I’ll say that he broke my heart. He’d tell you I broke his. We were young and dumb and not ready to be business partners, or even romantic partners I guess.” They were quiet for several minutes, both men just enjoying being outside, surrounded by nature. The sounds of the river and the animals in the distance, the smells of the campfire. “Matt, can I ask you a personal question?”

  “Yeah, sure,” Matt took a long stick and poked at the fire. “Fuck knows I’ve asked enough of you tonight.”

  Sawyer chuckled low. “We’re just sharing all over the place, I guess. Anyway, I’m curious. What’s your story?” he asked, leaning forward and looking at Matt with a soft look on his face. “You seem to have done things the right way. Clearly a family man, raised right by good people. How come you haven’t brought a nice Hispanic boy home to Elena, settled down with a white picket fence, and popped out a couple kids? Lack of opportunity or are you just one of those super picky gays?”

  “Yes and… yes, I guess?” Matt stared at the fire, then looked back up at Sawyer. “The people here in town, they’re not as awful as they could be. At least not to my face. I guess it helps that I grew up here, and a lot of these people have known me all my life, so I’m not dangerous, not waving my gay agenda in their faces. And,” he added, “my grandparents are fantastic people, respected in the community. I haven’t had that many people being outright assholes to me about being gay. At least not to my face.”

  Yeah, there had been those times when he’d been younger, teased, some looks, some comments that slipped through his thick skin and pierced him. “I’m not opposed to the idea of being in a relationship, but when would I have time for that right now? And-” Matt hesitated, trying to figure out his words. “I think that once I’m an admin, or in some position of authority, it would be harder for anyone to give me grief about being a fag.”

  Sawyer watched Matt as he spoke, those wide blue eyes searching for something. It felt intrusive. “Do you think they’d harass you about that right now?”

  Matt shrugged. “I’m the gay teacher. At least, the only one at the school who will admit to it, because, c’mon April, your roommate is not just your ‘roommate’ and we all know it. Worst kept secret in the school. But even then, no one talks about it. I mean, the coaches, they don’t give me shit about it, sometimes teasing me a little but nothing that’s ever felt mean-spirited. The admin pretends it’s not an issue.”

  “It shouldn’t be an issue,” Sawyer told him, his voice quiet and low.

  “The parents, I don’t know, I haven’t gotten too many comments since I’ve been here, and I credit that to being… discreet.”

  Sawyer’s brows raised. “You don’t rub their face in your queerness?”

  “Something like that.”

  Sawyer got quiet again. “What do you do for fun?”

  “Austin,” Matt said. “Sometimes Houston. Meet up with old friends, an occasional hook-up in a big city when I just want to get laid.”

  “Sounds lonely.”

  Matt snorted. “Says the man who travels in an RV across the country with his dog.”

  Sawyer blinked, and then laughed at that, a quiet sound. “And there we are.” Reaching out, he lifted his bottle of beer. “Happy Thanksgiving, Matt.”

  “Back at you,” Matt answered, taking a long swig and finishing his beer. “Thanks for coming over.”

  “Anytime,” Sawyer replied, leaning back and looking up at the sky, filled with stars. “Anytime.”

  Matt woke up the next morning to birdsong, dawn breaking. His back ached from sleeping in the bed of Sawyer’s truck, but he could only blame himself, pretending to be some tough badass who didn’t need a mattress. He sat up and looked around, noticing that Sawyer’s tent flap was already open.

  There he was, standing close to the river, camera in hand. Looking further past Sawyer’s line of sight, Matt spotted two deer about twenty yards ahead, drinking from the water. The morning light through the oak trees made the water sparkle and Matt fell in love with the land again, through Sawyer’s eyes.

  Once Sawyer returned to the campsite, they warmed up some Thanksgiving leftovers on the camp stove and had a quick breakfast. “How long would it take to walk around the property?” Sawyer asked.

  Matt grinned. “A couple hours, not too long. I’ll give you a tour.” They headed out first toward the back of the property. Oak and mesquite trees covered most of the land, with small shrubs and tall grass growing in spots where the sun peeked through the tree canopies. “See that over there?” Matt pointed at a deer blind. “My grandparents lease this part of the property to hunters during hunting season, just people from town that he knows. They come out and hunt for a day or two. Deer mostly, but we might spot a turkey.” They walked past a deer feeder and Matt explained how it worked, spreading the corn around the ground in the morning and evening. “Grandma feeds them sometimes when they come close to the house. It pisses my grandpa off because they get into his garden.”

  “They’re both amazing people.” Sawyer stepped carefully as they walked, as if hoping to see more of the wildlife, trying to coax it to come out.

  They made it to the back fence line, and Matt began leading them back towards the pastures in the front. “It used to be a real serious cattle ranch, back when my great grandfather ran it. They raised beef cattle and shipped them up to northern markets. My grandpa kept that up for a while. I remember, when I was little, it was more of a cow and calf operation, several hundred head.”

  “What happened?” Sawyer asked as the trees gave way to grass.

  “He got older. He had workers to help him, but…” Matt paused a moment as they approached a wide gate leading into a grassy pasture, opening it so they could walk through. “They had a son, but he died when he was little. He’s buried over there.” Matt pointed to a group of trees behind the main house. “My mom was their only other child, and she didn’t like the ranch. At least, she didn’t want to live here.” Matt had no doubts that she’d have liked the money she could get from selling the place. “Grandpa sold most of the cattle off as time passed, and now they just live out here, tending the land. I think he rents out the far pasture sometimes to other ranchers.”

  They walked toward a large pond, and Matt pointed out the fresh hoof-prints in the mud. “This is so cool.” Sawyer’s eyes lit up, looking everywhere as he took it all in, taking pictures here and there. “I’m not sure I would ever leave.”

  “It’s beautiful, but it’s a lot of work.” Matt spotted some cows laying down under a large cedar tree, and pointed them out to Sawyer, who took a couple pictures, including one of Matt.

  “Don’t you think what you’re doing now is a lot of work too?”

  Matt laughed. “I mean yeah, but it’s different. I don’t know how to explain it.”

  “Do you ever regret not getting back into engineering?” Sawyer asked. Matt wasn’t sure why Sawyer brought up the previous night’s conversation.

  Some things were easier to share in the dark, in front of a fire and under a blanket of stars, not in the cold light of day. “No. I made a decision, and I will not second guess it now because things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them too. I don’t know if I believe in fate, or God, but I can’t imagine some divine hand that gave my grandma cancer so that I’d change my major and stay closer to home. Shit happens and we deal with it the best way we can.”

  “You’re an optimist.” Sawyer looked like he didn’t quite believe that, even though those were his words.

  “I’m a realist,” Matt answered. “Look around. I have a great life, Sawyer. I refuse to cry because I didn’t get to design a Mars rover.” At least, Matt thought, not anymore. “Was I upset when it happened? Yeah. I’m not saying it didn’t hurt, giving up on a dream,” he added, the last work in air quotes.

  “I think it�
�s okay to admit disappointment. It’s not a personal failing when your dreams don’t come true,” Sawyer said.

  “I didn’t fail.” Matt looked up at Sawyer. As they walked, they approached the far end of the pasture, and a couple curious cows headed toward them. “They think we have food,” Matt told him, watching Sawyer reach out to touch their soft velvety noses, grateful for the change in topics. “It’s all about food with them. And watch where you step.” They were close enough to the house that he spotted Sabrina heading out of the covered cow shed. “Want to use the bathroom while we’re up here?”

  “Kinda?” Sawyer answered, and they both laughed, heading inside the house.

  Sabrina joined them that afternoon, carrying fishing poles and sandwiches to their campsite. Matt laughed as Sawyer waded into the water, getting his jeans wet. “You’re nuts,” Sabrina told him, incredulous. “That water’s freezing.”

  Sawyer scoffed. “It’s not that bad.” He cast his line again, laughing. “I think I had a nibble there.” In the end they caught two trout, both of them small so they tossed them back into the river. “You two spending another night out here or are you coming back to civilization tonight?” she asked, quirking an eyebrow as she set the fishing poles in the back of Sawyer’s truck.

  Matt looked at Sawyer. “What do you think?”

  “I’m ready to head back inside. That sound alright?” Sawyer slung an arm around Matt’s shoulder, looking at him for an answer.

  Matt grinned, trying not to lean into Sawyer’s firm body and ignoring the smirk on Sabrina’s face. “Yeah, I’m ready. Let’s go get our stuff.”