Precipice of Doubt

by Mardi Alexander

  Sweat broke out on her brow. The same empty feeling rolled in and took its place in the pit of her stomach as it had this morning. She licked her lips and tasted salt. She swallowed hard, suddenly thirsty.

  Jodi avoided Cole’s eyes when she walked into the surgery. She unwrapped the sterile surgical gloves and slowly pulled them over her fingers. The clamminess of her hands made it difficult despite the powder inside.

  The slow steady beat of the dog’s heart filled the room when Cole attached the heart monitor. Jodi tried to slow her own racing heart to match the dog’s.

  “All set and ready for you.” Cole stood by the anaesthesia machine and seemed to study her as she walked to the side of the table and looked down at the dog.

  Jodi closed her eyes and willed the butterflies to quiet. This wasn’t the first cystectomy she’d ever performed, for Pete’s sake. She picked up the scalpel and mentally drew the incision she would make in the abdominal wall.

  “Jodi?”

  Jodi looked up at Cole and her breath caught in her chest. What if something went wrong? What if—?

  “Aren’t you going to catheterize him to drain his bladder?”

  “Oh. Shit. Yes. Sorry, I don’t know where my mind is.” Jodi picked up the packet of tubing Cole had left on the surgical tray. She opened the sterile envelope and fed the tubing into the dog’s penis until a steady stream of urine flowed into the catch bucket at the end of the table. She removed the tubing, dropped it into the garbage can next to her, and picked up the scalpel again.

  “Aren’t you going to change out your gloves?”

  Jodi mentally slapped herself. “Yes. Yes. Of course.” She flipped both off, tossed them in with the catheter, and pulled on another pair.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Cole dumped a fresh scalpel out of a packet onto the surgical tray and then returned to the head of the table.

  “I’m fine.” Jodi rolled her neck. She picked up the new scalpel and once again held it over the dog’s belly. As she lowered her hand to make the incision, her hand began to shake and she pulled back. “I’m—” Sweat trickled between her shoulder blades and down her back. The fish roiled in her stomach. She looked at Cole. “Maybe we should send this one over to Angourie.”

  “Whatever for?”

  Jodi looked down at the dog’s exposed abdomen.

  “What’s going on? What’s bothering you? Talk to me, Jodi.”

  “I just don’t think I can do this.” Jodi put the scalpel down and stepped back. She blinked in total confusion. What was happening to her? Why did she feel so…so what? Her heart clenched when the realization of what she felt hit her. Scared. She felt scared.

  Cole came to her immediately and put her hands on her shoulders. “Babe, look at me.” Jodi met her eyes and chewed her bottom lip. “You look scared to death. You’re as pale as a ghost. What’s the matter?”

  “My mind is blank. I can’t remember what to do. And I’m sure as eggs gonna screw it up.”

  Cole blew out a breath and nodded. “Okay. It clearly wasn’t the coffee. I guess I should’ve let you have some.”

  Jodi let out a half-hearted laugh and then peered at the ceiling. There was just no way she could do this surgery today. In fact, she wasn’t sure she ever wanted to operate again. Right now the thought of it scared her too much. “I need you to call Frank and tell him he needs to schedule this surgery with Mel at Angourie. And while you’re at it, send the ear tack over there too.”

  “Jodi. I think you might be overre—”

  Jodi pulled her gown off and dropped it on the floor. “Stop. Just do as I ask. Please.” She closed her eyes briefly. When she opened them, she said, “I’m sorry. I just can’t.”

  Despite Cole’s attempts to call her back, Jodi grabbed her keys and bag and walked out of the clinic. She threw the bag on the passenger seat of the Rover and got in. Her body trembled uncontrollably as she reversed out of the parking lot and drove away.

  Chapter Eleven

  Having made the necessary arrangements for the animals requiring surgery, Cole sat stunned in the empty waiting room, trying to work out what had gone so horribly wrong that had prompted Jodi to up and leave.

  They’d started the morning with a swim, come to work, eaten, then set about getting into the day’s work. True, Jodi had seemed a tad off, but then she had come good again before totally unravelling in surgery. Jodi was a rock. Steadfast. With reserves of iron. But not today. Today something broke, and Cole couldn’t for the life of her work out why.

  Her mind whirred over and over, back and forth, across everything she could remember saying or doing, trying to work out what upset Jodi, trying desperately to find what Jodi’s trigger might have been, but she came up empty.

  She rang Jodi’s mobile and home phone but they rang through each time. She left several messages but was left stranded in the echo of resounding silence.

  The phone rang and Cole nearly jumped out of her skin. Her heart raced as she hurriedly picked it up. “Hello?” Her voice cracked. She cleared her throat and tried again in an attempt to sound slightly more confident. “Hello.”

  The voice on the end of the line was comforting in the familiarity, but Cole was gutted that it wasn’t Jodi. “Oh. Hi, Pip.” She swallowed hard. “No. She’s not here.” Cole knew that Pip was perceptive and wasn’t at all surprised when she asked what was wrong.

  Cole traced her finger along the edge of the desk. How could she explain what she didn’t really begin to understand herself? She took a breath and relayed the morning’s events. “And she won’t answer her phone. I’ve got no idea where she is, or if she’s okay.” She sniffled and hastily scrubbed an errant tear. “I’ve never seen her like this. I don’t know what to do.”

  She drew comfort from Pip’s offer of advice and help. When Pip rang off, although still deeply worried, she no longer carried the burden alone and the knots loosened slightly in her stomach.

  Jodi didn’t react when Pip appeared and sat down beside her on the otherwise deserted sand dune.

  “You know, I’d almost forgotten about this place.”

  Jodi stared into the fading light hovering over the ocean. “It’s been a while.” This was their place—the place they would come to when the world pressed in too hard, back when they had both started out all those years ago. They would meet up here to work through things together, or else come here on their own and allow the surroundings to help them let stuff go, or at least give them space to be able to breathe.

  Pip huffed softly. “Feels like half a lifetime.” Wordlessly she handed over a silver flask.

  Jodi raised it to her lips and took a sip. She grimaced as the liquid burned a white hot trail of searing spirited lava down the back of her throat. It landed heavily in her largely empty stomach. She took another sip, this time embracing the discomfort, like a punishment deserved. She handed the flask back to Pip and wiped a hand across her mouth. “Something to be grateful for, I s’pose.”

  “Hm.” Pip nabbed a sip from the flask before handing it to Jodi who held it between her fingers, her arms outstretched across bent knees.

  Pip added a few more branches to the fire. The smoke, crackling of twigs, and hissing of gases released to the open flames were the only sounds aside from the roll and boom of the ocean’s waves.

  Jodi took another swig and allowed the burn to circle her mouth before swallowing. “You been talking to Cole, then?”

  “I have. She’s worried about you. Funny thing is, I rang to see how you were doing. Turns out I only missed you by a few minutes.”

  “You always were a tinny thing.”

  “Except when it came to Charlie.”

  “Ha. Yeah. Except that. You were a bit thick over that.”

  Pip laughed softly. “Well, lucky for me, I have a friend who is as subtle as a brick through a window, and who intervened and helped me see sense.”

  Jodi smiled wryly.

  Pip reached behind her and retrieved a bag. Within a few minut
es she had jaffles toasting on the open fire in a jaffle iron press. When they were cooked, she handed the freshly toasted hot cheese and ham sandwich to Jodi. “Compliments of Charlie.”

  Jodi hadn’t realized how hungry she was until Pip handed her the steaming package. Her stomach growled. “You’re a hell of a team, you two.” She took a bite and closed her eyes at the pure sensory pleasure of it all.

  “So are you and your Kiwi bird.”

  Jodi took another bite of her sandwich. They were a hell of a team, her and Cole, but the ground beneath them was beginning to change. This new path was unknown and treacherous.

  They finished the rest of the meal in an easy silence, Jodi always grateful for the comfortable company they shared. Pip had come all the way out to find her, no questions asked, and she knew there’d be no pressure for her to spill her guts. But she felt bad leaving Pip in the dark about what was going on. She took a sip from the flask and swirled it around her mouth before swallowing.

  “I think I hit a wall.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “I couldn’t draw blood. I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking.” She downed a swift disgusted swallow. “My damn mind went blank over the simplest of procedures. Ones I’ve done a thousand times in my sleep. Total bullshit.”

  “It happens.”

  Jodi turned on her friend. “Not to me, it doesn’t.”

  “Well, today it did.”

  “It’s bullshit. I can’t do my job. And if I can’t do even the simplest of things, I might as well chuck it all in.” Jodi picked up a stick and hurled it off into the darkness.

  “You can’t be perfect all the time, Stretch.”

  “People expect it.”

  “No. People expect you to do your best. There’s a difference.”

  Jodi opened her mouth to protest but Pip held up a hand. “Hear me out, Jodes. You’ve been running the wire, stretching yourself tighter and tighter and doing it all on your own now for a long time. I reckon you’re right when you said you hit a wall. You’re exhausted, physically and emotionally, and you’ve had a crap run of late, but every call, every appointment you have, you’ve always done your best. That hasn’t changed.”

  “Nice try. But there’s a string of deaths that poke holes in your theory, Pipsqueak.”

  “No. They don’t. And when you stop shredding yourself to pieces and dissect each case clinically, you’ll come to the same conclusion. You gave them all your best. Every. Single. One. And in doing so you gave gifts of love and total care to all of your patients and their owners. Not even you can stop the inevitable when someone’s time is done.”

  Jodi tried desperately to hear Pip’s words in her heart as well as her head.

  “We all keep coming back to you because we trust you with things that are most precious to us. You have never let any one of us down. Ever. So I want you to go home, get some sleep, and stop this pity party. Take a break. Rest, go hiking, get drunk, whatever you need to do to blow out the cobwebs. And then come on back. We’ll wait for you.”

  Jodi leaned in and accepted a hug. Pip kissed her on the top of the head, then stood and pulled her upward. “Go home, Jodi. I’ll look after this. Go home and get some rest.”

  With a gentle push from Pip, Jodi got into the Rover and pointed it towards home.

  When Jodi turned into her driveway, the truck’s headlights washed over the veranda of the Queenslander house she’d bought several years ago. It was high set on timber stumps, constructed of wood with a corrugated iron roof. Although the pitch was steep, it still allowed for the moon to illuminate the front of the house. Originally built with a single veranda in the front, she’d hired a tradesman to continue it around the entire house to cater for the long hot summer months. A set of large wicker chairs decorated the area immediately to the left of the french doors. A shadowy figure occupied one of them.

  She silenced the truck with a flick of the key and sat for a moment to collect her thoughts. She had no doubt it was Cole who sat up there. A wave of guilt flooded through her and she took a deep pain-filled breath. She pawed a hand through her hair and bit her bottom lip. She owed Cole an explanation, but she wasn’t even sure she could find the words for it. Cole had gotten to her feet and was now waiting for her at the top of the steps.

  Jodi opened the door and slid out of the truck. She shuffled over on leaden feet to the bottom of the veranda. She cast her gaze down, purposely not meeting Cole’s undoubtedly worried eyes. She lifted her foot up onto the first step and was instantly engulfed in Cole’s arms.

  “Cole, I—”

  “Shh.” Cole squeezed her close and nuzzled her head into Jodi’s neck. “Don’t talk. I’m just glad you’re home safe.”

  Jodi snaked her arms around Cole’s waist and nodded against her chest. “I’m sorry I worried you.”

  Cole kissed her gently. “I don’t know what’s wrong, or why you felt the need to run. But I do know we’ll get you through this.” She slid her hand into Jodi’s and led her to the door.

  Jodi fingered the house key into the lock of the stained glass door, while Cole rested her hand on the small of Jodi’s back. The warmth from that single touch set off an ebb and flow of peacefulness and arousal. She had no desire to be anywhere else, and suddenly she was living in the moment, not acknowledging the past or future.

  She swung the door open and automatically flicked the light switch on. The elaborately pressed metal ceiling reflected the light, creating animated shadows that seemed to dance with every little movement.

  Suddenly a need so primal, so passionate engulfed her. She pulled her hand from Cole’s and framed Cole’s face with both of hers. She held Cole’s gaze and in a slow deliberate movement, captured her lips. The softness of Cole nearly brought her to her knees with desire. Jodi teased Cole’s lips apart with her tongue and met Cole’s in a heated dance. Her taste and scent made Jodi heady.

  Jodi broke the kiss, both of them breathing heavily. She rested her forehead against Cole’s. “Cole, please let me make love to you.”

  “Oh God. Jodi, yes.”

  Jodi led Cole by the hand to her bedroom. The moonlight sparkled and danced through the leaded windows. Jodi’s heart beat steady and strong. She hadn’t been this sure of anything in weeks. She wanted this woman. Physically and emotionally. And Cole had said yes. Her heart swelled with adoration and the need to feel Cole’s body against her own.

  She turned and faced Cole, gently placing her hand on her heart. The beat of it traded places with deep breaths. Jodi slid her hands down Cole’s arms and linked their fingers. “Are you sure?”

  Cole kissed her hard and fierce in reply.

  Jodi lifted Cole’s shirt up and over her head, revealing lovely breasts, peaked to attention. Just for her. She lifted one, relishing the weight of it, and caressed a thumb over the nipple.

  Cole took in a quick breath and closed her eyes. “You have no idea how many times I have fantasized about this. Jesus.”

  Jodi smiled, dipped her head, and took Cole’s rigid nipple into her mouth. She circled it with her tongue and was rewarded with a deep moan from Cole.

  “How many times?” she asked playfully and unhurriedly rolled Cole’s other nipple between her thumb and index finger. She heard Cole’s quick intake of breath and smiled. She had one desire. To make Cole feel good. Loved. Somehow the day’s events faded as soon as she’d seen Cole waiting for her. So many emotions had taken their place. And it was those that were beginning to make her feel alive again.

  Cole held Jodi’s head to her breast. “More than the number of stars.”

  “Lie with me.” Jodi wrapped an arm around Cole’s waist and helped her to the bed where she slowly undressed her. The smell of Cole’s heat was intoxicating. Holding Cole’s gaze, she removed her own clothing. The fabric still held a trace of the ocean’s flavour, wild and untamed. Her hands were steady and eager to touch every inch of Cole. She took her time, stroking, caressing, and kissing Cole’s dark skin. When finally her finger
s found Cole’s most sensitive parts, they slid into her slick wetness. Jodi moaned in delight. Cole arched up to meet Jodi, silently asking for more. Jodi carefully entered Cole and within seconds felt the stirrings of an orgasm.

  Cole breathed in and her body trembled uncontrollably with pleasure. Jodi kissed her neck, sucked her earlobe, and returned to once again claim Cole’s lips. They held each other for a long while, and Jodi revelled in the majesty of the closeness, before falling into a dreamless sleep.

  Cole woke to the whisper of fingers caressing her thigh. She smiled with the realization of just whose fingers they were. She opened her eyes and was greeted by the softest of early morning light filtering through the lace curtain, outlining naked limbs entwined together.

  “Good morning.”

  “This is incredible.” Jodi continued to trace the tattooed pattern that held pride of place along the top part of her thigh, sweeping up around her hip.

  “I like it,” Cole said.

  “I sense a story behind it. Tell me.”

  “Remember I told you that I carry a piece of my grandparents with me always? Well, this is it. The silver fern represents my grandmother’s Maori heritage. One half of the leaf is traditional for her, and the other half of the leaf is Celtic knotwork, for my Scottish grandfather.”

  “The detail is so fine and meticulous, yet there’s a powerful simplicity about it.”

  “I worked with the tattoo artist until we came up with this design. It was perfect. No matter what I do, or where I go, they are with me.”

  Jodi kissed the tattoo before sliding up to feast on Cole’s lips. “Do you think they’d be okay…with this? With us? Are you okay with it? Shit. I didn’t pressure you into…” Jodi tensed and started to withdraw.

  Cole needed to let Jodi know how she felt but didn’t think words could convey her thoughts and feelings well enough. She had to show Jodi just how much she meant to her. She captured Jodi’s lips, effectively silencing any lingering doubts. “Has anyone ever told you that sometimes you think too much?” She might not have known much about pleasuring another woman, but she knew what pleased her and was more than willing to experiment and learn as she went. She coaxed Jodi onto her back. Jodi’s nipples fascinated her. As she brushed her fingertips across the surface of one peak, the skin puckered and the nipple rose from the soft pink areola bed. She caressed the now ridged surface and was rewarded with a groan from Jodi. She licked her lips, momentarily unsure if what she wanted to do next was right. Jodi arched up into her. With a shiver, she remembered the pleasure of Jodi’s mouth. She savoured the nipple before her and was rewarded with a whimper. Jodi rested her hand against the back of her head, holding her close, encouraging and silently granting permission for more.