Dwell

by Lynda O'Rourke

  “When will I see you again?” Hannah came and sat down beside me. “If you’re gonna be on the run then… will I see you again?”

  “I don’t know. There’s a doctor that may be able to help me but I don’t know if he will want to.” I looked at Hannah, her sad brown eyes stared back at me. “I wish I could stay here with you. I wish I didn’t have to leave.”

  “I wish you had just come to me and asked for money instead of volunteering your body for two thousand pounds. I would have given it to you – I would give you anything. You’ve been my best friend since we were little kids. You’re like a sister to me. My dad thinks of you like his own daughter. Why did you do it?” Hannah asked, taking hold of my hand.

  “Pride, I guess. I didn’t want to come over and beg for money. I’d already lost my job, which made me feel useless. Dad left me with nothing but debt, so to ask you for money was just another embarrassment I couldn’t face…” I trailed off and chewed my bottom lip. “But now I’m in a worse situation than ever – I’ve messed up again.”

  “You have to get help,” said Hannah. “That black stuff in your veins might kill you – god only knows what it’s doing to you. Do you feel ill?”

  “No, just tired and hungry – battered and bruised,” I whispered, looking down at my ankle. It didn’t hurt as much as it had. I lightly touched the bite mark on my neck where Carly’s teeth had bitten through. It seemed to have dried up but still felt sore, and I could still feel the sting from Howard’s bite on my stomach. What I really needed was to sleep. My head felt fuzzy and my eyes stung. If only I could just lie down on Hannah’s soft bed for a while and shut my eyes but I daren’t. I would never get back up again and that was time I couldn’t afford.

  “Here, take these.” Hannah handed me a pile of clothes. “There’s something for you and that strange girl to wear but I don’t have anything for the other two unless they want to wear women’s clothes.”

  I looked at the clothing and pulled out the black leggings and a roll-neck top. That would be good to hide the bite mark on my neck. That left a pair of jeans and a pink floral blouse for Raven. “I’m gonna need some boots and gloves – I have to keep my hands covered,” I said, staring at the ugly veins that twisted under the skin like a jagged pathway.

  Hannah stood up and opened a drawer. She rummaged around until she found some gloves and then she went back to her wardrobe and pulled out a pair of long black boots. “You can have this as well,” she said, throwing a leather jacket onto the bed.

  “Thanks, Hannah,” I whispered, placing the pile of clothes down beside me. I pushed my hands into the pockets of my jacket, the tips of my fingers lightly brushing over the iPod which I had taken from Ward 1. I looked around Hannah’s bedroom and spotted another iPod dock on her bedside table. “Hannah, can I use your dock to charge this up?” I held up the iPod.

  “Sure you can,” she smiled, “is it yours?”

  “No, I found it on one of the wards at Cruor Pharma. I’m hoping it might have some evidence against the doctors that I could use if I ever get caught or if I ever pluck up the courage to walk into a police station and tell them what happened.” I placed it into the dock and pressed the button. Would it even work? The screen lit up, an image of a run-down battery appeared, indicating it was as flat as a pancake but at least it was showing signs of working. Hopefully if I let it charge up while I had my shower I might be able to see what was on it – if there was anything on it? It seemed strange where I had found it. Up the end of Ward 1 away from the bagged up items of passports and mobiles, almost like one of the past volunteers had smuggled it onto the ward – and why would they do that? To film in secret was what I was hoping for.

  “Maybe if you get out of this county, you could try another area’s police force. One that has nothing to do with this county,” suggested Hannah, placing some fresh underwear onto the pile of clothes she had given me. “They can’t all be bent.”

  “No, but I don’t know if Holly Tree police force will issue a warrant for our arrest. They may alert all the other police forces around the border of this county. If I’m gonna go into a police station then it will have to be one that is far away from here, and it’s not something I’m planning on doing until I get myself back to normal – until I’ve seen this other doctor. I don’t want to give the police any ideas that I’m infected with something that has turned me into some crazy, killing loony. That will just give them reason to have me locked up in some secure mental hospital.” My mind wandered back to Sylvia Green. I didn’t want to end up like her.

  “How do you know this other doctor will help you – if he can even help you?” asked Hannah. “Do you even know where he lives – works?”

  “He works at Cruor Pharma’s sister company in Derbyshire. It can’t be too hard to find,” I said, standing up.

  “Is that really wise?” frowned Hannah. “If he’s a part of the same company that did this to you then surely you’ll just be walking into a trap.”

  “I have to give it a try,” I sighed. “There is no other option.” Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out the photo of my dad. “Hannah, I need to ask you something.”

  “What is it?” she asked, stepping toward me.

  I handed her the photo of my dad. “Do you ever remember hearing anything about my dad working for Cruor Pharma – anything at all that your parents might have mentioned?”

  Hannah stared at the photo. “Shit, I never remember ever seeing your dad work but …” she turned the photo over in her hands. “This was taken when we were young, how would we ever remember?”

  “What about your mum and dad, did they ever talk about my dad – ever mention my mum?” I asked, hoping that I would get something from Hannah, anything, even just a little snippet about my parents.

  “Your mum? Why ask about her? You’ve never spoken much about her in all the time we’ve known each other, why now?” Hannah handed the photo back to me.

  I shrugged and shook my head slowly. “I don’t know… I just heard some weird things about her at Cruor Pharma – strange things…”

  “Like what?” Hannah took hold of my hand. She could see I was struggling to tell her – see I was getting upset.

  I took a deep breath and swallowed down the lump that was forming in my throat. “Like… she loathed me – wanted me dead.” I chewed on my bottom lip and blinked back the tears that had gathered threatening to spill like a broken dam. “My dad hit the bottle to drown me out… he was never proud of me… I was a drain on his life. They’re both dead because of me… I… I…” My face cracked. My lips trembled and the dam finally broke. The flood from my eyes streamed down my face and pooled at the corners of my mouth. I pulled my hand away from Hannah’s and covered my weeping eyes. I felt so weak. Not just physically but weak as in feeble. “Everything’s such a mess… I don’t know what to think anymore… it’s like my brain has been thrown into a blender with all these different emotions and problems and it’s been turned on – full blast. I can’t think straight… what did I do to make them hate me?”

  “Now you listen to me, Kassidy,” Hannah shouted, “I don’t know who’s been telling you this dreadful nonsense, but it’s all shit. You never made your dad hit the bottle, that was his choice. And as for your mum – she died when you were two – how could a two-year-old be blamed for her death? Whoever told you this rubbish needs locking up.”

  “But there must be some truth in it… how else did they know about my dad being a drunk? They got that right, so what’s to say that they’re not right about my mum?” I wiped the tears away from my face and stared at Hannah.

  She lowered her eyes and looked at the floor. “All I know is that you have been the greatest friend I could have ever had. You are kind, you’re funny, and you’ve always been there for me. You don’t have a bad bone in your body – now tell me, how can someone like that be responsible for the deaths of their parents?”

  I looked at Hannah. How could it be my fault? She was right �
� I was only two, barely responsible for myself, let alone two parents. But still… that didn’t explain how Carly, or whatever was in her, had known such private things about my life if there was no truth in it.

  “As for my parents – I don’t remember them speaking about your mum – ever. They did talk about your dad, though, but nothing to do with him working for Cruor Pharma,” Hannah said. “They used to get really angry about the way he looked after you – or the lack of it. I think you spent more nights sleeping at ours than in your own bed.”

  That was true. Hannah’s parents had looked after me way more than my dad had. If I hadn’t had them, my life could have been a lot worse.

  There was a gentle tap on the bedroom door. “Shower’s free, Kassidy, if you want to jump in?” Max called. “I’ll go after you.”

  I opened the door. Max stood with his blonde hair draped down the sides of his face. His leather jacket hung open revealing a toned set of muscles covered by a pale-grey skin. A thick black vein ran across his chest from the right side and had started to snake its way up his neck. Another faint black vein could be seen running up from his navel. I had no idea what the rest of my body looked like underneath the hospital gown but I guess I was soon to find out as I headed for the bathroom.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  I dropped the hospital gown to the floor and stood in front of Hannah’s full-length mirror with my eyes shut tight. I was almost too afraid to look – too afraid to see the truth. I didn’t want to know how far VA20 had spread. I knew it would be bad but so far I had been able to ignore the rest of my body – only being able to see my hands and legs. I could just step into the shower and not look at myself – not face the horrible truth, but what was the point? This black-shit wasn’t going anywhere soon so why bother to snub it? Just look, Kassidy. Get it over with and face it. You’re not the only one here who looks like this, my inner voice said. Still, it didn’t make it any easier to confront.

  “Okay, let’s do this,” I whispered, opening my eyes. I stepped back. A gasp lodged itself in my throat. I tried to swallow but my throat was clogged up – my heartbeat like a drum-roll. The right side of my body looked like I had a circuit board in me – a series of black wires connected to each other – pulsing, like electricity was running through them. If I stepped back further from the mirror they could almost be mistaken for some kind of weird tattoos. I turned around and looked over my shoulder. Again, the right side of my body was plagued with VA20 twisting under the flesh on my back. Add that to the greyish skin and the bruises that I had gained from my night at Cruor Pharma – and not forgetting the two bite-marks – I looked fucked. Frowning at myself in the mirror, I stood and stared at the ugly mess and lost myself for a good ten minutes in a daze. That voice in my head woke me from my hazy thoughts. Time – don’t forget the time – you have to keep moving. I opened the shower door and stepped in, turning the dial on the hot water, I let it splash over me. Steam rose from off my skin and clouded up the shower cubicle. A bottle of shower gel hung from a hook and I squeezed a large blob of orange-smelling gel into my hands. Rubbing them together to form a lather I cleaned away the blood, dirt, and as Raven called it – the evil that tainted our skin. It felt good to be rid of everyone’s blood – to be rid of death. I reached for the bottle of shampoo and scrubbed away at my scalp. It hurt from where I’d had the hair ripped out by the cleaners and where Ben’s demon had pulled on it, but I didn’t care – I just wanted to be clean. Lifting my face toward the water, I let the shampoo run down over my forehead, into my closed eyes and down my cheeks. I waited for the water to run clear and then slowly opened one eye at a time. As I blinked away the watery haze, the shower cubicle almost seemed to shudder, like someone had knocked into it. I blinked again – unsure of what I had seen. Had I imagined it? Had the water in my eyes played tricks on me? I stood still. I listened. All I could hear was the sound of running water spraying onto me and hitting the floor in splatters. I turned a full 360 degrees slowly – always listening. It was like I was back out on Strangers Hill trying to find my way through the fog. The cubicle was full of steam and I reached out to rub it away from the door of the shower. I didn’t want to do it. The last time I had felt like this was when I had almost pulled open the curtain that had separated Ward 2 into two halves. “The grass isn’t always greener on the other side,” came to mind as I remembered the sight that had greeted me up on that hospital ward. Pulling my hand away from the door, I held it to my chest. I stood still. Should I wipe away the condensation? What wonderful sights were awaiting me on the other side of the door? Hopefully just an empty bathroom and the realisation that sleep deprivation really isn’t good for you. I took a deep breath. My fingers touched the steamed-up door and cleared a small circle, just big enough for my eye to peek through. I didn’t want to make a huge gap in the condensation. If there was anything on the other side then it wouldn’t be able to see me peering through. I leant forward and pressed my eye up to the small circle I had cleared. Nothing. The bathroom was empty. I let out a huge sigh. Turning back to face the water, I rinsed off the remaining suds from my body. A loud thud to my right made me jump. The whole cubicle shook. Pressing my back up against the side of the glass, away from where something had hit the cubicle, I stood rigid.

  “I didn’t imagine that,” I shuddered. “Who’s there? What do you want?” I reached up and turned the water off – my ears straining to hear anything that seemed out of the ordinary. “If that’s you, Jude, I’m gonna kick your arse.” No reply. “This isn’t funny, you know, after everything that’s happened to us, you shouldn’t be trying to scare me.” Still no response. I looked down at myself, and as if suddenly realising that I was completely naked for the first time, I pulled my arm up across my chest and my left hand down between my legs. If that was Jude out there I wasn’t gonna give him the pleasure of seeing me naked. In fact, I didn’t want anyone to see me like this. I shivered. Drops of water dripped from the ends of my hair and dribbled down over my skin in cold trickles. What should I do? I turned slowly toward the door and peered out through the small hole. It had started to mist over again. My finger squeaked over the glass as I cleared some of it away. The room seemed empty. There was no movement – no sound, just the drip-drip-drip from the shower-head. I didn’t know what was worse. Not seeing anything but knowing that you weren’t alone or coming face to face with whatever had banged into the cubicle.

  “Hannah,” I yelled out. Maybe if someone heard me, they might come in and whatever was in the room with me might go? “Max, Raven, Jude.” Why wouldn’t they answer me? I chewed on my bottom lip. As I leant forward again and peeked out through the hole in the condensation, something dark flittered past. I stepped back. I wasn’t alone. Shit. I franticly looked about me. What could I use to defend myself? There was nothing. A couple of shampoo bottles and a sponge wasn’t gonna cut it. The water suddenly shot out from the shower-head – full blast. I spun around. I reached up to turn it off but the dial had stuck. Another bang on the side of the cubicle sent me slipping to the floor – the water continued to pour out. I stared open-mouthed as the shower-head started to twist and come loose. “Max, help me.” I tried to get up but the soapy suds left me with no grip. I slipped back down landing on my arse. Using my feet and hands I pushed myself back against the shower door – my eyes never leaving the shower-head as it continued to twist itself free from the silver-coiled hose. Squeak – squeak – it dropped to the floor between my feet. The water jetted out from the hose as it hung from the rail. I reached up behind me and pulled on the door. It wouldn’t budge. My fingers slipped on the handle. I tried again. Twisting myself around, up on my knees, I made another grab for the handle. The glass shuddered as I put all my weight against it. It was stuck. My wrists were grabbed. Something held them tight. My arms were pulled away from the door. I lost my balance and tumbled back, hitting my head on the floor. I stared up at the hose as it came toward me. The strength of the water hitting my stomach with such force it sprayed
up into my face. I couldn’t get up. Something held me down. I wriggled about trying to loosen the tight hold it had on me – water sloshed over my face – gurgled in my ears. I could feel hands on me – icy-cold fingers on my flesh. They grabbed at my face and slipped into my mouth – stretching open my jaw – wide. I tried to bite down – tried to close my mouth but the grip was like a vice – a tight clamp that wouldn’t budge. I snatched up at the hose as it came toward me. The wet coils slipped through my hands as my wrists were snatched away and held down above my head. The silver hose shoved into my mouth – hitting the back of my throat. I gagged as the water rushed down. I threw my head from side to side – kicked my feet out – smashed at the glass door with my left foot – hit out at the side panel with my right. I lifted my hips from off the shower tray so I could use as much force against the door. I tried to pull my arms away but they were held firm above my head. Hot water poured down my throat and cascaded out of my mouth like a fountain. I swallowed and swallowed. There was too much – too much. My lungs were filling up. I was drowning.

  “Kassidy, are you all right in there?” Jude’s voice sounded through the gurgling water. The door to the bathroom rattled. “Kassidy?”

  The icy fingers lifted its hold on me. I sat up. The shower door was open. The silver hose was hanging above me with its shiny shower-head still fixed in place. I pulled myself up – stunned. What the hell had just happened? I didn’t imagine it. I touched my throat and swallowed. It felt fine.

  “Kassidy, can you hear me, what’s going on in there?” Jude shouted.

  “I… I’m… all right,” I answered, stepping from out the shower – stunned. I stood in the middle of the room and shivered. Wrapping my arms around my stomach, I turned slowly. The room was empty. There was no sign of the struggle that had just happened. Everything was in place. I looked down at my wrists. Not a mark was left on them from where they’d been held down. I shivered again – my teeth chattering. Snatching up a blue, fluffy towel, I wrapped it around me and took one last look back at the shower cubicle. Everything was where it should be. There was no trace of the attack I had endured. As I went to turn toward the bathroom door, my eye caught sight of something in the bottom of the shower tray. Some kind of grey, gloopy liquid had been squeezed over the floor to form the words, “Get out, Kassidy – leave.”