Renew

by Charlotte Michelle

  I’m afraid that I will one day go too far and it will result in Adelaide pushing me away forever.

  My past will harm her. It will haunt her dreams and it will attack her gentle nature. She must never know what I did years ago. However, if there is to be a future between the two of us, I will have to share my demons. I will not lie to Adelaide…

  Even if she asked me now, here in this moment, about my past, I would tell her. I would tell her every horrid secret. Every horrible crime I committed.

  I know there will be consequences to face…I’ve faced many, but there will never be enough to balance the scale.

  I gently de-tangle myself from Adelaide and look down at her shimmering blue eyes. They are soft, filled with happiness and wonder as they focus on me. “I understand…hugging is an amazing feeling.”

  I chuckle softly.

  If she thinks hugging is great, wait until we dive deeper into the lesson of kissing.

  “She has you wrapped around her finger,” Jeremy says, grooming Raven. I grip the pitchfork in my hands, mucking out Raven’s stall. I try to ignore his childish remarks about Adelaide, but they’re fueling a fire within me.

  “I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Sweat rolls down my back.

  I have been working overtime the last two hours, since I spent the majority of my day with Adelaide. I had pushed my chores back, only to have them pile atop of me now. But I don’t regret it. That hug today is worth it. Just being by her side is worth it.

  “Kind of pathetic, man,” Jeremy mutters. I growl, straightening my back and cease shoveling manure to face Jeremy.

  “What is your problem with her? Why don’t you like her?”

  Jeremy’s dark eyes narrow in on me as he stops brushing his horse. He shrugs. “She’s a stranger. The way she talks…I don’t know, it’s unsettling. And then there’s the fact that everything is new to her. It’s like we have to teach her how to breathe and it’s just annoying. No one asked if I was okay with having some strange girl move in! She was dumped on us, because her own mother couldn’t even stand her…which then led to Aunt Elena killing herself!”

  Jeremy’s voice starts off cold and calm, but as momentum built, he rose to a shout laced with hatred. I glower over at him, shaking my head.

  He’s acting like a child. “You don’t know that, Jeremy! She’s an innocent girl, deprived of essentials to living! Don’t blame any of this on her!”

  “I blame all of it on her! Ever since she arrived, everyone is different. You, Ma, Kristy, even Pa…you’re all under her spell and it’s sick!” I drop my pitchfork and step forward to reprimand Jeremy, to put him in his place.

  I understand where he’s coming from, I do…but he has no right to speak poorly of Adelaide. He hasn’t given her the time of day, and he passes judgment as if he does have the right to.

  I freeze, however, when I hear the side door of the barn slam open. I jerk my head around to see Adelaide standing there, a tray of brownies in her hands and tears rolling down her cheeks. I see her shoulder’s fall forward, as if her body is trying to fold into itself. She lets out a soft sob before the tray falls to the ground, shattering with pieces of brownie bouncing into the darkest parts of the barn.

  She whirls around, the skirt of her sundress fanning around her as she goes to run back to the house. “Darn you, Jeremy,” I grit out, bolting after Adelaide.

  The crunch of gravel alerts her to my approach and, as if she’s frightened, she halts from running and falls to her knees. She places her arms over her head, protecting herself from a punch. I frown, slowly lowering down to place a gentle hand on her back.

  “I’m sorry, Adelaide. Everything that he said…it’s not true. You mustn’t believe him.” I softly unravel her arms and tenderly grab her chin, lifting it so I can look into her eyes. “You are so beautiful and pure and kind. You have brought nothing but life to this ranch. Jeremy is angry with himself and jealous. You’ve captivated our attention. And that is not a bad thing. You are not a bad thing.”

  Unlike last time, where I initiated the embrace, Adelaide takes it upon herself to rest her head against my chest and cry. I sigh, wrapping her up in my arms as I hold her fragile, shaking body. Harsh sobs run through her and I know it’s not only because of Jeremy’s distaste toward her.

  Does she believe she killed her mother? Does anyone believe that? I don’t. There’s nothing Adelaide could have done to lead anyone to their death. If her ma did commit suicide, it was because of her own internal demons.

  It has to be.

  Phoenix

  *Adelaide*

  May 6, 2017

  I lift my eyes from the text of White Fang and look out of the window of Adam’s office. I think about the words describing White Fang.

  This animal had been abused in hopes of being tamed and made loyal, however the wild nature inside of him could not be tamed.

  This poor animal reminds me of myself. I have been tormented and abused to form me into an obedient daughter with no hopes of leaving the house. But after all those years, my desire to be free, and in a sense wild, never faded. I am like the wolf. I was born free, and even though I lived in captivity, I always thirsted to return to my real home.

  I spoke to Missy yesterday after enjoying the afternoon with Maddox. We were in the kitchen and I was preparing a tray of brownies for the men after a long day of working. I thought it was a nice gesture and it allowed me time to ask a few questions.

  I asked about my mother, before she had me.

  “Your mother was beautiful, Adelaide. She captured the hearts of every man in this town…She was tenderhearted and selfless,” Missy says.

  “This town…you mean my mother used to live here?” I ask. Missy is cleaning dishes in the sink, however her action ceases when she hears my question. She withdraws her hands, dries them on a towel, and turns to gently place a hand on my cheek. Her touch shocks me and I look at her with wide eyes.

  “She lived in this house, Adelaide. She lived in the room across from yours…and the room you sleep in now, that was your nursery.” Tears well in my eyes and I bite my bottom lip.

  “I lived here…before?”

  Missy nods her head as tears roll down her cheeks. “Yes, sweet Adelaide. You were only four years old when she took you away. I begged her not to take you away. Adam and I have loved you since your first breath, and we never stopped. I hadn’t seen you since you were four, but you never left our hearts, Adelaide. I knew I would see you again.”

  I was born into this house. It is my home. It always has been. My mother wasn’t always so reserved. She lived her life, just as I do. She loved horses and she had friends…she enjoyed the beauty of this ranch. Why did that change?

  What made her run? What made her ward off human interaction? What made her keep me a secret?

  Movement outside catches my attention and I see Maddox running to the house as if his life depends on it. He even slides on the gravel and his anxiousness reaches me. I shove the bookmark into the pages and basically toss the book aside as I jump to my feet.

  I run to the staircase the moment the front door is thrown open. “Adelaide!” Maddox shouts. I tense, staring at him with wide eyes and waiting for him to see me atop the stairs. His hair is windblown and there are smears of dirt upon his cheek…I can’t help but find myself staring at his appearance…almost as if I am enthralled by him. “Addy, come quickly!” he says when our eyes meet. He waves me to him.

  I don’t hesitate to heed his command and run down the stairs. He exits the house first and I shut the door behind us. “Maddox,” I call, keeping up with his pace easily. “What’s wrong?”

  Maddox opens the door to the barn and turns to smile widely at me. “Oh, Addy. Nothing is wrong.” My eyebrows furrow as he again leads the way to Serendipity’s stall.

  The sight before me takes my breath away. My skin prickles as my hair stands on end. Fear consumes me as I step back. Serendipity breathes harshly, lying in the hay as Adam kneels beside he
r. “Wh-what’s happening?” I ask.

  “She’s giving birth, Adelaide,” Maddox softly whispers, placing a hand to my back and gently pushing me forward so I’m standing in the stall’s entryway. Maddox stands to my right, gazing down at his horse with a soft smile. “I wanted you to see this with me.” My heart seems to skip a beat at his words.

  No one has openly expressed their desire to have me in their presence like Maddox has. He didn’t want Kristy or Missy or even Jeremy here…he called for me. And the gesture overwhelmingly warms my heart.

  Serendipity lets out a soft whinny and I feel a constricting force around my hand. I look down to see Maddox’s large hand engulfing my own, squeezing it gently as he watches his horse. I do not entirely understand why he’s holding my hand, for I have seen Adam and Missy do the same and I’ve assumed couples hold hands. It’s a form of affection, like kissing, right?

  But then again, Missy held my hand the first day I got here.

  And just as I felt warmth with Missy’s touch, I feel the same with Maddox’s. His hold on me is not similar to a hug, yet it brings me comfort just the same. Is that why he’s doing it? Does it bring him some sort of comfort?

  Is Maddox worried? Surely, Serendipity will not be harmed…right?

  I frown, ashamed I don’t know more on the subject. In the back of my mind, I make a mental note that pregnancy will be my next topic for Kristy and Maddox.

  Maddox held my hand for nearly an hour. Even though my palm seemed to sweat at the contact, he never pulled away and I was oddly thrilled.

  When Serendipity finally gave birth, I was enraptured by the events. Through every second, I did not look away. I wasn’t disgusted by the sight, however I was in awe. How could another horse, smaller though it may be, fit inside Serendipity? And how did the delivery not physically harm the horse? I was so sure it would, but now I’m surprised to see Serendipity standing and nursing the foal.

  The foal is dark, nearly black. A contrast to his mother’s light coat. Maddox assures me that the foal will grow lighter with age.

  “Adelaide, what do you think about the name Phoenix?” Maddox asks, forcing me to take my eyes off the foal for a moment to look at the man beside me. Maddox tilts his head to the side.

  “Phoenix?”

  “It means to be reborn or rebirth. Just like how you have been reborn, Adelaide. Reborn to this world…reborn with God.” His answer catches me off guard.

  I look back at the baby horse, tears welling in my eyes. “You’re naming him Phoenix because of me?”

  “No. I’m asking you if you want him to be named Phoenix, so that he will always be a reminder of your growth. Phoenix, if that is the name you wish to give him, is yours, Adelaide.” The tears in my eyes fall as I stare at Maddox with utter shock.

  I take a step back, trying to gain clarity for his words. “What? I-I thought you were going to sell him.”

  Adam clears his throat, returning from the house with a new outfit and slightly damp hair. He must have showered after helping Serendipity deliver her foal. “Maddox asked me if I was willing to offer up my last stall to the foal. He’s willing to pay for the foal’s boarding until you and I can come up with another arrangement…such as you working with Kristy at the bookstore in town, or helping Missy around the ranch. I agreed…Adelaide, you’re a part of this family. You always have been. If you weren’t getting Serendipity’s foal, then we would have given you another horse.”

  Maddox scratches the back of his neck, a motion I notice the guys do when they’re nervous. His eyes are downcast, however when he feels my stare, he directs his attention to me. His beautiful honey brown eyes meet mine and I see the sincerity in them. “You’d give him to me? You pay, rather than gain?” I ask softly. I do not know how much a horse is worth, but I do imagine that the idea of selling is to gain money. He’d give up that opportunity to instead lose money?

  Maddox steps forward and gently places a hand on my cheek, just as Missy did yesterday. I have come to the conclusion that it’s a loving gesture, for I see such emotion swarming within his eyes. The emotion I have seen in Adam’s eyes when he looks at Kristy, Jeremy, Missy, and even me. The emotion I have seen in the many films I’ve been watching. And here is Maddox, looking at me just the same.

  While I do not entirely know how to feel with the thought of Maddox loving me, I do know that my heart is beating faster. My palms are sweaty, and it feels as if my breath is lost. Is this a good reaction or a bad reaction?

  “Yes, Adelaide. I’d—we’d—give you all we have,” Maddox says, motioning to Adam and the house. “Phoenix is now your horse. I want to help you form a bond with him, the bond you have with Serendipity. However, this one will be stronger. You will understand in time, Adelaide…but you must tell me. Will his name be Phoenix?”

  I look back at the foal. Maddox’s question has a hidden meaning. Not only asking if I like the name, but also if I will accept the horse. I have no idea how to care for a horse, but I know I’m not alone in this.

  Gaining Phoenix means I will have to work for him. I will have to slave to gain the money to provide for him. He will not be a wardrobe of clothes, given as gifts. He will not be a table filled of food, given with love. He will be mine, given with responsibility. I will have to work to fully be given ownership. Phoenix will be the first thing that is entirely, wholly mine.

  The foal, pressed up against the gray horse that was first to gain my trust, turns his head to meet my gaze. I stare into his brown eyes. They are not gentle like his mother’s, they are fierce. They look at me and there isn’t a question that he is meant for me.

  This foal reminds me of White Fang. He has a wildness to him that longs to be free, but he is also loyal to only one. And when he looks at me, and our hearts seem to connect, I know his loyalty will be mine. I will care for him the best I can, with the help of my family. And in turn, he will be mine, and only mine.

  I will never have to be afraid of losing him, just as I am afraid of losing the books and the clothes.

  “Yes. His name will be Phoenix.”

  Progress

  *Maddox*

  May 8, 2017

  “He’s comfortable with you, Adelaide. Do you notice how he turns his full attention to you, and seeks you out as soon as you enter the stall? That’s good. We’ll do all that we did yesterday, today. Start with his head, gently run your hands over his coat. Rub his ears, slide your fingers through his mane. Move down his front legs, but again, stop if he pulls away. Never force him, Adelaide.”

  I coach Adelaide from outside the stall. My mare, Serendipity watches with a mother’s gaze as Adelaide pets her foal.

  Phoenix stands firm, almost as if he’s bathing in the caress his new owner is supplying. Adelaide runs her delicate fingers down his front right leg, reaching his cannon bone. The foal lets out a high-pitched whinny, causing Adelaide to jump slightly before giggling.

  I smirk, leaning against the wood of the stall door.

  Adelaide’s hair is pulled up in a high, twisted bun to keep it off her neck and away from her face. She’s wearing faded jeans, jeans that mother’s typically wear, but she pulls them off well. Her pink plaid shirt is tucked in, and the top three buttons are unhooked, showing off her black tank top underneath.

  She peeks over at me, her blue eyes bright with happiness. She returns her focus to the task at hand, continuing to allow the foal to grow accustomed to human contact.

  I return to my job of mucking out stalls.

  The first step of taming a foal is forming a bond. Foals naturally imprint with their mothers, standing and nursing from them. Adelaide was fortunate enough to be there during the birth, and after claiming Phoenix as her own, I situated her in the corner of the stall. She sat there for a few minutes, waiting for the colt to curiously approach her. Upon the first scent and gentle caress of the muzzle, the human-foal imprint was formed.

  Next, and at our current stage, we are introducing the foal to human contact. This horse will be g
roomed every day, and it is paramount that we introduce the idea of it early on. The foal has no reason to fear humans or the objects we use. Therefore, we begin at an early age to ensure he will never be fearful of them.

  Adelaide has to run her hands over the colt, starting from his head, down his neck to the shoulders, along his back and to the rump. The legs are the trickiest. For some reason, they do not take well to the touch when we skim along the knee or hock. It is extremely important a horse grows used to contact with the leg, for we need to lift the hoof to apply horseshoes and to clean it of dirt and rocks.

  I am proud of Adelaide. She has hardly shown any fear or caution with the foal. It is almost as if the two are one and the same. Every time she smiles, my heart leaps with joy. I provided her with the foal, the source of her happiness. While the price of boarding weighs heavy on my wallet, I do not regret my decision.

  I would spend every penny I have to see that smile.

  Raven lets out a nicker from the hallway and I hear the jingle of chains as he tosses his head up and down. I roll my eyes at the stubborn gelding. He doesn’t like being tied up, but after the discovery of a splint to his front left cannon bone, he’s not allowed out of the barn.

  “All right, you brat. I’ll walk you around in a minute,” I grumble, compromising with Jeremy’s horse.

  After mucking out Raven’s stall, I apply fresh bedding and then fulfill my promise. I lead Raven out of the barn, feeling sweat roll down my back as the heat of the spring day overwhelms me. Raven’s pristine black coat glistens under the sun as I walk him around the front pasture twice.

  I don’t have much time to spare tending to Jeremy’s horse, since I still have all the other stalls to muck, and I don’t like leaving Adelaide unattended for too long.

  After putting Raven back in his stall, I continue to Boaz’s. The remaining horses, apart from Serendipity and Phoenix, are out in the pasture.