Renew

by Charlotte Michelle

  I look him over, seeing he has lost a significant amount of weight. His shoulders are hunched, almost as if he cannot support the weight of his own head. His hands are calloused, slightly scratching my arm and wrist as he holds onto me.

  He looks weak and wounded. As if he has been tortured over the last year…not extensively, but slowly and subtly. A torture that eats away at your soul. He looks broken.

  “What happened to you?” I whisper. Maddox opens his eyes, gazing at me with his beautiful honey brown orbs. I pull my eyebrows together.

  “I had to return to you, Adelaide. No matter the cost,” he says softly. Maddox bows his head and steps back. His hands close into fists. “I understand that what I did to you was cruel. I’ll understand if you want nothing more to do with me. But Adelaide, if there is even the slightest opportunity that you may still feel the way you did a year ago, I will fight for you. I’ll fight for you no matter what. I have been fighting. And even though I’m tired, I will continue to do so until you look at me the same way you did so many months ago.”

  I bite my bottom lip and run the back of my hand over my cheeks to brush the tears away.

  I wish I could be strong enough to guard my heart. I wish I could tell Maddox to get lost and that there is no chance of me ever putting my faith in him again. But as he stands here before me, broken, how could I push him away? He just told me that whatever happened to him was so that he could return. Did he mean it?

  “You broke my heart, Cameron…” I test his birth-name on my lips and internally scowl at how sour it tastes. Maddox snaps his head up and looks at me with hard eyes.

  “Maddox. I am your Maddox. Cameron is a person of my past. The only way I was able to get through this last year was knowing that Maddox was surviving through you. Please.” I nod my head in understanding.

  How horrible is his past, apart from the manslaughter? What all has happened this last year?

  “I don’t even understand why you left. None of us do. I can’t promise that things will return to how they used to be. In fact, I’m certain they will not. I was lost when you left. I refuse to feel that way again, should you disappear.” Maddox shakes his head, stepping forward to gently cup my face between his hands.

  “No. My debt is repaid. You’re safe and I will not leave you. I’ll tell you everything, Adelaide. Every sordid detail. Just please, give me a chance. Let me love you, for I never stopped.”

  I cry again, leaning my head into his hands. Maddox thumbs away my tears, tenderly tending to me. “Okay. I’ll try.” Maddox grabs my hat and holds it in his hand while he touches his forehead to my own. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

  “Say it. My name. I need to hear you say my name. I’ve been waiting fifteen months to hear it.”

  I reach up and gently touch his scar, tracing it from his prominent cheekbone, along the curve of his jaw, to the tip of his chin. Maddox slightly shakes from the contact and I wonder how he got the scar. It’s brutal and jagged, almost as if it wasn’t properly healed.

  “Welcome home, Maddox.”

  Past and Present

  *Maddox*

  May 9, 2010

  “You are a very lucky young man. It is a rare opportunity for a family such as the Crane’s to offer their home to delinquents. You must always remember that.” My social worker, a bald man named Steven, says from beside me.

  I refuse to meet his gaze, staring at the trees as we drive away from Chicago and closer to my own personal hell: Grove, Oklahoma…Yes, we’re driving. Apparently delinquents don’t get the luxury of traveling by aircraft.

  I can’t believe this happened to me. I can’t believe all it took was a stupid old man getting behind my truck! Nile, five years older than me, is sentenced time in jail. A part of me silently wishes I could serve my time with my brother-in-law. Because I know there will be a reckoning when he gets out.

  Nile will make me pay for getting off easy. He’ll want to settle the score. If only I were eighteen, this would not be the case.

  But instead, a stranger with the name of Missy Crane decided to play hero and offered her ranch labor as a way for me to pay off my debt to society. What did this woman think she was doing? Steven McBaldwin, over here, tells me that she has two children. Is she willing to submit her children to the likes of me?

  Now, I have to muck out stalls and tend the fields and whatever pile of horse-manure jobs they gift me. I only have a year. One year until I can go back to my family and await my real punishment.

  “Don’t take their kindness for granted. Keep your head down, be polite, and promise me one thing, Cameron.”

  Sighing, I turn my head to look over at my social worker. The car pulls to a stop and I peek outside to see a vast amount of land filled with horses and cattle. I hear dogs barking in the distance and even the sounds of birds through the supposed soundproof vehicle. I notice the red barn from the corner of my eye but ignore it as I await the promise I am asked to keep.

  “Don’t fall in love with this life. It’s not for you. Get your work done and go home. I have known the Crane’s for a long time and they don’t need to be mixed up with you any longer than necessary.” I slightly tense at the intensity in Steven’s eyes. He genuinely cares for these people and wishes to protect them…from a seventeen-year-old kid.

  I scoff at the notion of actually enjoying my life here, in the dirt and dust of Oklahoma. I bleed for the city and that won’t change. No matter what.

  I open the car door and step out, listening to the crunch of gravel beneath my feet. I take in my surroundings fully. The white house is quite large, sporting a well-kept garden and a walkway from the porch to the driveway.

  There are three large pastures, two containing horses, and one containing cattle. I glance at the barn again that is off to my right and notice it needs a new paint job. I internally roll my eyes, wondering if that will be a job assigned to me.

  “Cameron!” I hear a delicate voice call and I look over my shoulder to see a blonde woman walking from the house to meet me by the car. She smiles, her bright blue eyes shining under the warm sun. “Welcome to our home. My name is Missy Crane.”

  I hold out my hand to greet her but am surprised when she wraps her arms around my shoulders and gives me a firm squeeze. Who is this woman?

  I glower down at her, ignoring the flutter in my stomach. Her kindness is warm and inviting. I don’t remember the last time I was ever treated in such a way. But I can’t let that get to me. I have to remember that getting home is my prime focus.

  “You call me Maddox. Only my friends and family can call me Cameron.” Even though my tone is clipped, Missy doesn’t even flinch. She just smiles and nods her head.

  “Very well.” She pats my arm and then turns to look at her house. “Welcome home, Maddox.”

  “Welcome home, Maddox,” Adelaide whispers, her fingers gently tracing the scar on my face. I close my eyes as tears gather. I have waited for so long to hear those words. The same words that rescued a seventeen-year-old boy and gave him a new life.

  Now, they’re being whispered by the woman I love, welcoming me back after abandoning her. How will I ever earn her forgiveness? I surely do not deserve it, however I yearn for it.

  Adelaide has grown in beauty and courage. She is no longer the timid girl I once knew. She doesn’t startle from a sudden movement or cower from my dismantled face. She is a spitting image of Missy, accepting me and all my burdens without a second thought.

  Her heart is so pure, looking at me with sadness as she tries to determine what happened to me within the last year.

  Nothing I didn’t deserve, I think.

  I lift my hand and carefully engulf her fingers with my own. I hold onto her, scared of letting her go. After a year of not seeing her, of only seeing blurry pictures and my memory doing poor justice, I do not wish to part from Adelaide. She is a beautiful sight for sore eyes.

  Phoenix nickers from beside his owner and I look over appreciatively at the beautiful g
elding. Adelaide has done an amazing job with raising him, just as I knew she would. He stands proud with great strength. “I need to put him away,” Adelaide whispers, leading the horse to the barn. I follow beside her, running a hand down the horse’s neck. He gives me a side glance and Adelaide heaves a heavy sigh.

  “What?” I ask.

  “You truly are perfect,” she mumbles. Her words knock the air out of me and I halt in the aisle, watching as Adelaide puts Phoenix in his stall. I bow my head, shaking it. “Phoenix doesn’t let anyone near him…perhaps Kristy. But only I am allowed to pet him. And here you are…you wanted to raise the foal together. You had him grow accustomed to your touch, just as he did mine. Crazy how a horse can remember who you are, even after a year of separation.” Adelaide is mostly talking to herself as she steps in front of me.

  “I’m not perfect, Adelaide.” It is true, I partook in the early bonding process with the foal. I wanted to be able to help Adelaide with Phoenix and that wouldn’t have been possible if the foal didn’t trust me.

  But then I had to leave, and I left Adelaide alone with this large responsibility upon her shoulders. For heaven’s sake, she could hardly survive in our society alone, let alone take care of a horse!

  I am grateful for Kristy’s ever loyal friendship to Adelaide. It is no mystery who truly helped Adelaide grow accustomed to our society and raise a stubborn horse at the same time.

  Adelaide laughs dryly and leans against the stall door. “You don’t have a clue, do you?” Her tone is icy and I look at her with caution. Why is she suddenly upset? I brace for impact. “Maddox, you were an angel to me. I looked to you for everything. How to cut steak or unwrap a piece of gum or muck out stalls. No matter what the task was, I always watched how you did it. You could do no wrong, where I was concerned. Perhaps that’s why it hurt so badly when you left. You crushed my perspective on you. At least, I thought you did. Even with you gone, I did everything as you did. How would Maddox approach this? That question constantly ran through my mind. You are a man of God. You love so easily. You are so selfless and I know that you left for my sake. You have that scar because of me. And you only knew me for a month. How could you give up your life for me?” Tears are rolling down her face again and she uses the back of her hand to brush them away.

  “That one month will never be forgotten, Maddox. No matter how many more months there are in my lifetime, that one will always be the best of my life. You saved me. You treated me with kindness and you loved me, even though you thought I would never love you in return. You tended to a hopeless girl, and even though you were gone, it was still you who turned me into who I am now. You brought me to God. You gave me Phoenix. Do you not understand?” Her words are broken as she lets out hiccupping sobs. My heart is breaking at her tears, yet soaring with her words.

  I step forward to try to console her but stop when she looks up at me. “Do you?”

  “Understand what, sweet Adelaide?”

  “That from the first time I met you, I loved you. Even though I had no idea what love was, I was in it with you. Remember when Kristy was explaining how the room seems brighter when the person walks in, or that I am always thinking about them? I should have figured it out then, but I was scared to accept it. In fact, I didn’t one hundred percent accept it until I saw your beautifully scarred face but a moment ago.”

  I struggle to breathe as I stare at her. Surely, this is a jest. She cannot possibly mean these things, after everything that happened. Can she?

  I was content with loving Adelaide every day for the rest of my life and never having the feelings reciprocated. I was content with just having her in my life and being able to love such a woman. But to have her feel the same way…it is a dream come true. I feel as if I’m weightless, staring down at the woman who owns my heart. I could look into her eyes all day long.

  “You love me, my sweet Adelaide?” I ask softly, allowing for this moment to be crushed. For her to laugh in my face and tell me, in your dreams! It’s what I expected and what I believe I deserve.

  But instead, she steps forward and lays her head on my chest, her delicate arms wrapping around my waist. “I love you, Cameron Maddox Steele. Please don’t leave me again. I can’t bear it.”

  My heart twists as I gather her in my arms, squeezing her tightly. I place a kiss to the top of her head and sigh. “You said it yourself, Adelaide. I’m home. You’re my home. I will never abandon you again, darlin’,” I say, dropping my voice to give it a southern accent at the end, just as she likes.

  I hear her soft giggle against my chest and I am the luckiest man in her world. We stand for a moment before she pulls back and looks up to run her fingers along my scar. I dread the day I tell her all that conspired the year we were apart. But I will tell her every gruesome detail, if she so wishes.

  “Come, we need to get the rest of the horses, and I’m sure Adam and Missy will be ecstatic to see you.” Adelaide grabs three lead ropes, handing me one. I slyly grab a second from her left hand, causing her to scowl at me.

  I was never a fan of Adelaide overworking herself. If I can relieve her of some of her chores, I will.

  “Where is Kristy and Jeremy? Why are you working alone?” I ask, following her out of the barn, toward the second pasture to get the three remaining horses.

  “Kristy never told you? Jeremy moved to Chicago.” I look over at Adelaide with wide eyes.

  Why would Jeremy move to Chicago? Surely Adam and Missy didn’t tell them where I was from. They wanted to keep that part of my life from Kristy and Jeremy, unless I decided to share it. But I never wanted them to be a part of such a troubling lifestyle. I even voiced my decisions to Missy and Adam.

  It surely is a coincidence. “He’s getting married. He wanted to start anew in a large city. Found a girl and is to be wedded,” Adelaide says, humor in her tone. I look over to see her smiling down at her feet.

  I let out a sigh of relief. Now, I just pray that my family never runs into Jeremy Crane. For if they do, I will once again be targeted.

  And leaving Adelaide again is not an option.

  Cicero Disciples

  *Adelaide*

  July 3, 2018

  Missy Crane’s reaction to Maddox walking into her house was unexpected.

  I had led Maddox in, seeing Missy and Adam in the kitchen, preparing dinner. It was easy for us to sneak in behind them, and when Maddox gently placed a hand on Missy’s shoulder, she reacted instantly. Her eyes took him in, she gasped, and then slapped him across the face.

  The world was silent for a moment. My jaw fell slack as I stared at my aunt, shocked that she actually slapped him. The kitchen fills with loud sobs as she places her hands over her face, shaking her head.

  Maddox looks broken, like a lost puppy as he stares at Missy. He again places a hand on her and lowers his head so their eyes are connected. His voice is barely a whisper as he says, “I am so sorry, Ma.”

  Missy continues to cry and points a finger at his chest. “That is right! I am your ma, and you are my boy! You are mine, and you will never do that to me again! Do you understand?” Missy’s words twist my stomach, causing tears to roll down my cheeks yet again. But I don’t care. This reunion is simply beautiful and to hear Missy claim Maddox as her son is extraordinary.

  Maddox bows his head, a sound similar to a whimper leaving his mouth as he steps into his adoptive mother’s arms. She holds him tightly, almost as if she’s scared he’ll vanish into thin air.

  I look over at Adam to see his cheeks are moist as well. He sniffles and steps up beside Missy and Maddox, draping his arms around their shoulders. I smile softly, purely blissful to see the people I love happy once again.

  “Addy.” I jerk at the nickname Maddox called me once upon a time and look up to see him staring at me. “Come here, sweetheart.” He opens the group hug and I grin, hurrying over to slip into his and Missy’s embrace. I bury my face into Maddox’s chest and breathe in his familiar scent.

  We stand in our
hug for a minute or two, allowing Missy to cry and Adam to regain his composure.

  Now, we sit around the kitchen table eating the famous lasagna and Adam asks, “Everything is okay? You didn’t do anything, right?” Adam then sneaks a glance over at me and Maddox sighs.

  He grabs my hand that lies atop the table, squeezing my fingers. “Adelaide knows enough to understand what has happened. We don’t need to be secretive. I intend to tell her everything else, so there’s no point in hiding it from her,” Maddox says. I smile down at my barely eaten plate and feel the butterflies flutter in my stomach as his thumb runs along my knuckles.

  I never truly understood the phrase butterflies in my stomach, but now I do. Maddox most definitely has them flying haywire, even with the simplest of looks my way.

  “Well? Why did they request your return? What did they have you do? Ugh, Maddox, did you harm or…kill someone again? I-I just have to ask,” Adam says, his hands forming into tight fists atop the table.

  I watch my uncle stare at Maddox with intense eyes. He’s scared of the answer, but I know that no matter what Maddox did, they will protect him.

  “No. Of course I didn’t. But they believe I did. Most of my time there I was interrogating men. I would hold them at gunpoint while demanding answers. I would even beat the stubborn ones.” I wince at his words. I simply cannot picture Maddox beating someone up.

  I turn to look at him, his strong side profile as he refuses to turn my way. I allow my eyes to travel down his poorly nourished body, however he is still incredibly strong.

  I always believed those muscles were used for tossing hay bales and mucking stalls. For pinning down cattle as Adam branded them. For repairing fences and lifting hundreds of fifty pound bags of feed. I never envisioned him using them to subdue another person.