Alien Proliferation

by Gini Koch

  “Look at it as giving me an appetite only you satiate.”

  “Huh. Nice spin. Which one of them suggested it?”

  “I came up with it on my own, used to work in marketing, remember? Now, hush, James is talking.”

  “In keeping with human traditions, we made a video about nine months ago.” Lots of cheers. “And I know the general story was that it didn’t turn out.” Some good-natured boos. “But . . . that wasn’t exactly the truth. We’ve been saving it for this important ceremony. So, everyone, let’s take a short trip back in time and see the new parents’ wedding highlights.” Reader grinned right at me. I tried to smile back. Failed.

  “Oh, goody!” Amy was serious. “I can’t wait. I’m still upset I missed it.”

  “Me too.” Christopher stroked her face and then pulled her to him. They smooched, and I decided to watch the video.

  Of course, shortly after it started, I wondered if I could pay Christopher and Amy to make out so I could watch them instead. At the start, it was fine. I got to see Jeff and his parents enter. He looked so great in his tux I forgot to worry about what was coming. I focused on not drooling on Jamie instead. I did notice that he looked nervous and uncomfortable. It wasn’t too obvious, but I did know him well.

  I also got to hear all the various blessings everyone in the wedding party other than Jeff had missed, though I noted that Reader must have had Mister Joel Oliver edit them down, because this part didn’t last as long in the video as it had in real life.

  Then we were on to everyone walking in, looking wonderful and stately. True, they were walking around for what seemed like forever, but everyone was graceful, smiling, and looking good.

  I had to hand it to Oliver’s paparazzi camera crew—they were really good. I’d never noticed them, but they’d gotten literally everything and had clearly been using several cameras. I tried not to anticipate what was coming that they’d also undoubtedly caught all of. Failed.

  “What a beautiful ceremony,” Amy said rather wistfully.

  “Um, yeah.” We cut to follow Chuckie, aka our wedding Majordomo, get to his seat. There was some ceremony with this no one had told me about, and I tried to focus on it to distract myself from what was coming.

  But that only worked for about half a minute, and then it was time for my entrance and I cringed. Mom and Dad sailed in and did their thing, and there was me, closing the door. I looked like an idiot. Watched myself trip and recover while I heard the chuckles starting. Wow, this was fun. They were laughing on screen and in the room. We had the next comedy blockbuster on our hands.

  Oh, great, we were now at the point where I’d given up and started running. I risked a look at Amy. Her mouth was opened. In horror. Well, she wasn’t laughing.

  I tried not to cringe again as I rounded the corner and did my “deer trapped in headlights” thing when I spotted Jeff. I started to wonder if I’d really pissed Reader off in some way. I also wondered how long it was going to be before I gave up and just let the tears of embarrassment fall.

  But then the video cut to Jeff, and I got to look at him more clearly than I’d been able to during the actual ceremony. He was looking for me, I could see it now, and he looked nervous and frightened.

  The camera caught the moment he saw me, and his expression shifted—he looked shocked. I still wasn’t sure if I should crawl under the chair or not when I saw him shake his head and then, the next moment, he was next to me. His whole demeanor changed. He looked proud, confident, protective, happy. Then he flashed his killer grin, and the running of the bride and groom began.

  Jeff nuzzled my ear while the audience roared. “It’s even better on video. I could only see your head bobbing up and down. My God, I can’t wait for you to get into that dress again and run around the room.”

  “I really didn’t embarrass you?”

  “Baby, this is the only wedding video that’s going to be worth watching years from now. God, I want stills of that shot.” I was over Jeff’s shoulder and the camera had zoomed in on my butt. “Oh, God, and that one, too.” Zoomed in on my upside-down chest. “I could kill James . . . why didn’t I have a copy of this for the last eight and a half months?” He was serious. I felt great all of a sudden.

  Watched the ceremony, still teared up but for good reasons. Then we got to the reception. Christopher’s toast still got the crowd sobbing, Amy too, I noted. All the various fun activities. Got to see Jeff’s expression as all the guys kissed me during Reader’s “Kiss the Bride” number. He tried to hide it, but I could tell he was jealous. Felt flattered.

  The camera caught me and Jeff saying good-bye to Reader and then sneaking out. Caught my grandparents leaving to go gamble. Then it panned to more guests, all over the room. Our personal paparazzo even managed to get a shot of himself, surrounded by a bunch of Dazzlers, grinning like he’d won the lottery.

  The shots went around the room again. In the back one man and woman were sitting at a table. The woman was a thin bleached blonde, and the man was about Jeff’s size, with dark hair. They were both attractive, for humans. He looked midtwenties; she looked late twenties to early thirties.

  I heard Amy gasp. “What was she doing there?”

  CHAPTER 73

  “WHO?” I STARED AT THE COUPLE. As I looked more closely, there was something familiar about the man. Very familiar.

  “That’s my stepmother. What was she doing at your wedding?”

  “Who’s with her?” Christopher asked. “That’s not your father.”

  “It’s our buddy, Ronnie. He altered himself a little to, I guess, be incognito, but I saw him up close and really personal, and that’s pretty much him.”

  Jeff leaned over. “I want a copy of this. Immediately.” He wasn’t asking for enjoyment any more; his Commander voice was on full.

  Christopher nodded and pulled his phone out. I looked around for Tim. Interestingly, he was looking for me, too, it was clear. He was with Alicia, and they started heading toward us.

  “Jeff, our families will kill us if we go into mission-mode right now.”

  “I know. We’ll get through this, sleep, and then figure out what else is going on.”

  I felt a hand on my shoulder. “We have a problem, don’t we, Missus Martini?”

  “Yes, Mister White, I think we do.”

  “You’ll be relieved to know that James is aware of what you don’t care for in terms of baby showers. And despite your justified concerns based on, as you put it, all the wedding rigmarole, the induction ceremony is quite short. We’ll all be able to regroup sooner than you think.”

  The video ended, and Gower was up there with the mic, looking mildly uncomfortable. He cleared his throat. “My first real act as your new Pontifex is a joyous one.” There was a smattering of applause.

  Gower looked at us, at Jamie really, and the discomfort was gone—in its place I saw the next religious leader of our large and now-extensive tribe. “Welcome to the family, little one. You’re one of us, now and forever, and we will never forsake you.”

  The A-Cs all stood and clapped. The humans followed suit. Reader went back to the dais, and Gower got down.

  “That’s it?” I whispered to Jeff.

  He grinned. “That’s it.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  He shrugged. “Sometimes I like to watch you try to wriggle out of something you’ll actually enjoy.”

  “You know, they all say I’m the crazy one, but sometimes I really wonder about you.”

  Jeff chuckled as Reader took the mic again. “Folks, you know a girl who can still sprint during her wedding likes things to move fast. To that end, and because, as most of you know, it’s been an exciting week here, we’re going to do things the A-C way—which, for us humans means we eat, drink, and be merry and let the parents open the gifts when the baby’s napping. Should only take them to her first birthday to go through all the gifts, right?”

  This earned laughs and my total relief. Okay, Reader still loved
me, and I still loved him. The world was okay.

  My Uncle Mort took the stage and the mic. “The United States Marine Corps would like to congratulate the Katt-Martini family on their newest addition.”

  The Marines all over the room stood up and did a loud cheer in unison, earning wild applause from the rest of the attendees. It was impressive. Jamie only fussed a little over it, too.

  Uncle Mort winked at me. “We also heard the new parents were missing a very important item.”

  Four Marines walked in solemnly, carrying something on their shoulders. They reached us, did the whole military thing, and placed it in front of us.

  I squealed at the top of my lungs. “I love you, Uncle Mort!”

  This was better than winning the lottery. It was beautiful, tricked out with everything, at least, everything I could think would make sense to trick it out with.

  “What is it?” someone shouted from the back of the room.

  Jeff and I answered in unison. “It’s a bassinet!”

  CHAPTER 74

  WE WERE ABLE TO USE the hungry, fussy baby excuse to leave after a little while. Jamie seemed to have reached her limit, and I was ready to lie down, too.

  The issue was, where were we supposed to go to sleep? Turned out Al Dejahl was indeed locked up in a very secure containment cell on the fifteenth floor. For whatever reason, Jeff therefore refused to sleep in the Lair. I felt weird going back to the Embassy, but according to Gladys, it had been swept for any form of bug, bomb, or tripwire, so it should be secure.

  The rest of Alpha and Airborne and what I now considered our extended team gathered around us as we argued about where to go to sleep for the night. Jamie was fussing, and I was close to lying down on the floor—I was too big for the bassinet.

  I grabbed White as he joined us. “Richard, why was there nothing in the Embassy? I mean, if you were showing us the Colemans’ penthouse, it sure seemed devoid of any personal items.”

  He shook his head. “No idea, Missus Martini. The rest of the Embassy was also devoid of belongings.”

  “Maybe they figured they were going to skip town,” Tim suggested.

  “Or the planet. Still, seems kind of . . . odd.”

  “I’d suggest my place,” Chuckie said, “but it’s trashed, and I can’t guarantee it’s safe, either.”

  “Your parents’ house, or mine?” Jeff sounded as tired as I felt.

  “No, we went into lockdown for a reason.”

  “Thought that reason was handled.”

  “Not for sure yet. I’m just too tired to deal with what I think most of us noted during the showing of James’ Documentary in Embarrassment.”

  Reader grinned. “You looked great. But, yeah, hadn’t paid any attention to our mystery couple before.”

  “Caliente Base?” Jeff was at least focusing on sleep.

  “Gave up our room there, remember?”

  “Yeah. I remember being told that we had too many places to live and the Lair was more than sufficient. Which is why we don’t have a room at Caliente Base, or an apartment in New York, or one in Pueblo Caliente, either.” Jeff’s sarcasm knob was on eleven again.

  “I’m not the one refusing to sleep in the Lair.” Jamie started screaming, and I had to do the Mommy Dance. “Okay, either this means she is demanding the Lair or that she wants to be nowhere near it.”

  “Or that she’s wet, hungry, or just tired beyond belief.” Jeff rubbed his forehead. “Isolation chamber.”

  Christopher answered before I could. “No. Absolutely not.”

  Jeff shrugged. “They’re not that bad once you get used to them.”

  “They don’t sleep a family,” Christopher snapped. I decided not to mention that the one in our rooms at the Embassy did, since I was freaked out about going over there. “What’s wrong with the Embassy? It’s empty, literally.” It was as if Christopher were reading my mind. I hoped he hadn’t gotten that skill along with all his other new ones.

  “You know how Jeff doesn’t want to go to the Lair? Well, I’m afraid to go to the Embassy by ourselves, okay?” Everyone looked at me. “It’s big and . . . creepy without other people in it.”

  “We used to be alone in it all the time.” Christopher shook his head. “And we were little kids.”

  “I’m with Kitty. It’s strange to be in an unfamiliar place with no one else around.” Amy looked totally innocent saying this. I knew where she was heading with it, of course. “Maybe some of us should go over with Kitty and Jeff, just to make them feel safer.”

  Bingo. She might look innocent and be far too worried about her reputation, but no one was better at the “but it’s for everyone’s safety, Mom” technique than Amy.

  Not that I objected. Christopher seriously needed to get laid, repeatedly, if I was any judge. It had seemed to do Amy a world of good, too. Plus, I wasn’t going over without at least two other people with us. “I’d be okay with some other people with us. Preferably people I felt really, really comfortable with.”

  “Why would you need anybody other than Jeff?” Christopher asked, looking blank.

  Jeff nodded. “Everything’s cleared out, baby. We’ll be fine.”

  Reader and Tim were both trying to keep straight faces and failing utterly. Joe had his hand over Lorraine’s mouth, and Claudia had her face buried in Randy’s shoulder. The rest of the humans and A-C females were all also trying not to bust a gut, even Serene whom I normally thought of as innocence on the hoof.

  Amy gave it another shot. “Kitty’s afraid.” She enunciated carefully, I assumed because she figured she hadn’t spoken clearly before. “I think some of us should go over there with her.”

  Interestingly to me, while Gower, Michael, and White all had knowing, amused looks on their faces, Jeff and Christopher didn’t seem to get it.

  Christopher sighed. “They’re grownups.”

  “Yeah, I really think we can handle it there, baby.”

  Amy shot me a look I knew was asking me if she’d landed a beautiful but dumb one. “Naïve to our ways, Ames, that’s all.”

  Claudia had managed to recover enough to talk. “Kitty, I would love to offer to go and stay at the Embassy with you, but I think, since I’m pregnant, I should stay here. Plus, my mom hasn’t finished telling me all about what you guys did in Paris. So I’m really sorry, but I don’t think Randy and I can go with you.” She said this slowly and carefully, as if she were explaining something to kindergarteners.

  Lorraine nodded and spoke in the same “language for the slow of wit” way. “The same for me and Joe. We can’t go with you because I’m pregnant and need to spend quality time with my mom.” She nudged Serene.

  “Right! I need to make sure Brian’s really okay, and so, um, we can’t go with you, either, Kitty.” Serene sounded like she always did, but she gave me a bright, “didn’t I do it well?” smile.

  Jeff and Christopher were still the Clueless Twins. “Great, really, Kitty’s just having new mother worries.”

  Christopher nodded. “Look, just go and get some sleep.”

  I looked at Reader. No help there, he and Tim were leaning against each other, they were laughing so hard, albeit silently.

  Michael cleared his throat. “I’d love to go and make Kitty feel safer, but some of her single cousins are here, and I think I need to stick around in case any of them are afraid or bored or just want to talk about etchings or submarine races.”

  Even with that broad a hint, my husband and his cousin were still not catching on. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but why would I want you to come guard my wife while I’m right there?”

  “What, you’re going to suggest Matt, Chip, and Jerry next?” Christopher snarked.

  “I cannot go to guard my leader because there are hot girls here who demand my attention, sir.” Jerry managed to get this out without barking a laugh. I was so proud.

  “Same for me, sir!” Hughes said, staring ahead as if he were under military review.

  “Ditto!”
Walker apparently didn’t trust himself to more than two syllables.

  Tito sighed. “Actually, wherever Kitty and the baby go, so go I. But, I have my own room there. On the third floor. Where staff lives. Far away from the seventh floor.”

  They still didn’t get it. Jeff sighed. “Okay, Tito, no argument. Wherever we end up, I’ll make sure you have a room.”

  “I have a room at the Embassy already, Jeff. However, it’s so far from yours and Kitty’s. Maybe someone should go along so they’re closer. To make the new mother feel safer.” Tito was amazing. He got this out with a total poker face.

  Naomi got into the act. “Abby and I could go.” She nudged Chuckie, pointedly.

  “No. I don’t want the two of you out of the Science Center without a full guard.” Chuckie was giving me the same look that Amy was—why did you marry an idiot and fix your friend up with his idiot cousin?

  Christopher rolled his eyes. “As if being at the Embassy wouldn’t be the same security level as right here?”

  “Sorry, can’t allow it. ETD rules.” Chuckie was good—he had a poker face and sounded like he was going to start quoting the rulebook any second.

  Tim sighed. “Alicia’s parents are still getting used to things. I don’t think she and I can, in good conscience, leave them alone here.” He grinned. “Much as I, personally, would like to go to one of those huge penthouse suites at the Embassy. To guard Kitty, of course. No selfish reasons meant to be implied or intended.”

  Reader got control of himself. “Paul and I can’t go, Kitty, because he and Richard need to sort out Pontifex things. Richard probably needs to stay, too. Sorry. Understand why you would want someone else along who makes you feel safer.”

  Jeff gave him a dirty look. “Since when don’t I make her feel safe?”

  White cleared his throat. “Perhaps Miss Gaultier could go along, to help with the baby?”

  Christopher gave his father a betrayed look. “I guess.”

  “Wow, what a good idea. But, gosh, Amy can’t defend herself against a stiff breeze. Maybe someone else could come, too, who might be able to help Jeff protect me, Jamie, and Amy.”