Don't Hold Back_To Have and to Hold

by Renee Dominick

  It had been so long since he’d dealt with a recalcitrant horse, he’d almost forgotten what it felt like to come out victorious. Rob gave him a heel-tap and Espanto ambled toward the center of the paddock like a perfect gentleman. He might be an ass, but he was a gorgeous horse, with a smooth gait he showed off as Rob trotted him around the enclosure.

  “Pretty damn good for a city boy,” Marianna called out.

  He turned the horse back and saw two people watching from the fence. Jenna stood next to Marianna, dressed in a long skirt and a top that covered far less of her than the blouse she’d been wearing earlier.

  Rob’s pride at Marianna’s compliment turned to annoyance. Jenna wasn’t part of this side of him. He didn’t want her making fun of it.

  His emotion translated right through his body to Espanto. The horse curved his spine and launched straight up, landing hard on four stiff legs. Rob’s head snapped, but he gripped the horse with his thighs and held on. There was a squeak of shock from the rail, but that was all. Rob cursed a blue streak in his head, but he forced his body to relax. With no reins and no saddle, he was at the colt’s mercy, and this horse was exquisitely sensitive.

  After a few angry blows, Espanto seemed to decide he’d made his point. Rob nudged him toward the fence, just to remind him who was in charge, then slid from the gray’s sleek back. “He’s not stupid, that’s for sure. You don’t really deserve to be called Terror, do you, boy?” Rob gave him a slap on the neck, but Espanto turned, his teeth clacking again, and Rob had to snatch his hand away.

  Marianna broke out laughing. “No, not at all. Thank you for hooking him up for me, though.” She grabbed the rope and led the horse to the gate from the safety of the other side of the fence.

  “Wow,” Jenna said, a playful smile on her face. “You actually know what you’re doing.”

  “A little, for a city boy.”

  “I’m impressed.”

  He took off his hat and scrubbed his hair to mask his uncertainty. She had never been free with compliments, not where he was concerned. He glanced down at her sandaled feet. “What are you doing down here without boots?”

  “I know, I know. She scolded me, too. I was reading up there and I saw you.” Jenna tipped her chin toward the hillside where the cabins sat. “I had to get a closer look at Cowboy Rob. He’s hot,” she said in an exaggerated whisper.

  The same scent she’d left behind in his room drifted toward him, igniting a flare of warmth deep in his gut. In light of his earlier suggestion that they should behave like normal acquaintances, he shouldn’t be noticing anything about her. Not her scent, or the sultry tone of her voice, or the sight of her pulse beating in the hollow of her throat. He definitely should not be aware of her as a woman he would like to worship in every possible way.

  He focused on her forearms, shimmering in the sun, and searched for a path through the thicket of brambles in his head. “Are you wearing glitter?” he asked, running a finger along her skin.

  “It comes in the lotion.” She watched him like she had before, as if he were easier to read than a child’s book.

  He scowled, climbed the rails, and dropped onto her side of the fence. “I thought we were going to keep our distance.”

  “We are adults, aren’t we? I can watch you do your horse thing without trying to sex you up. It’s enlightening, seeing you in your natural environment.”

  Her quiet explanation caught him off guard. Every time he managed to get his head straight about her, she surprised him anew. It was disorienting as all hell. “I’m an adult. You’re a waif standing in a barnyard wearing a long skirt and sandals.”

  “Yes. Fine. I’m going.”

  She turned to leave and Rob froze at the sight of a tattoo arcing across the back of her shoulder. He caught up with her in two strides, hooked a finger inside the back of her top, and pulled her up short.

  “Hey!”

  “What is this?” he asked, tracing the slim branch of cherry blossoms across her shoulder blade.

  She glanced back. “A tattoo?”

  “How long have you had it, though?”

  “A while.”

  “God, it’s a work of art.” Each pink blossom was incredibly detailed, and in varying stages of bloom. He pressed his thumb to every one of them.

  “I never would have figured you for tattoo appreciation, Rob. You’re just full of surprises today.”

  “As are you.” He stretched her top outward, just a little, and peeked into the dark. “How far does it go?”

  She patted her left hip. “To here.”

  His mind bent sharply inward, and he caught himself imagining his lips touching each flower.

  She turned, and his hand fell away, jerking him back to the present. The breeze fluttered her skirt, molding it to the lines and hollows of her lower body. He was so wrapped up in the allure of hinted-at details, he wasn’t prepared when she stepped close and draped her arms around his neck. Her fingers played with the hair on his nape, sending geysers of sparks up his scalp and down his spine, straight to his cock.

  A tilt of her head set off a minor alarm in the midst of his distraction. “So are we acquaintances, or are we not?” she asked. “I’m unclear.”

  He straightened. “Jenna—” He meant it as a scold.

  “Yes, Rob?” The invitation in those two words poured over him like warm honey. “You already know I’m game if you want to come to the dark side.” She skimmed her hand down the front of his shirt. “All you have to do is say so.”

  He grabbed her wrist. Not hard, but enough to still her, to make her look him in the eye. Sunlight sparked off her irises, revealing a mesmerizing palette of earth tones in them.

  “How do you know I haven’t already?”

  She blinked like an owl confused by being awake too early. “Prove it.”

  “I might,” he said, “but it won’t be in public.”

  She smiled, then, wicked, taunting. “Aw, you’re no fun.” She gave her arm a little yank to free herself, but he didn’t let go.

  “I thought you weren’t coming down here to sex me up.”

  “Oh no. You’re not laying that on me, cowboy. That was all you.”

  He swallowed and ran his thumb over the faint red impression he’d left on her wrist. “Sorry,” he said, letting her go.

  “What, that? You didn’t apologize for smacking me on the ass.”

  “That was different.” This conversation was eddying like a dangerous current. He needed to keep his head above water. “That was your negotiated price.”

  She opened her mouth, to argue he presumed, but nothing came out. Her obvious chagrin gave him an unexpected laugh.

  “And it didn’t hurt, did it,” he added.

  “No.”

  “Did the tattoo hurt?”

  She grinned. “Like a mofo.”

  Rob grabbed the fabric of her skirt when she turned away again. “Jenna?”

  “Now what?”

  There was a perverse pleasure in her exasperation. He understood now why she pestered him so relentlessly. “I don’t want to be acquaintances.”

  “Oh? Enemies, then? Strangers?” There was an accusation in there, a legitimate one he’d have to make up for. If he didn’t talk himself out of it first. And if she’d let him. He drew her a little closer, but not too close.

  “Neither.”

  She narrowed an eye at him. “I suppose you could go back to Best Friend’s Misanthropic Big Brother.”

  “I’m amenable to that.”

  “Of course you are,” she said, and twisted out of his reach before he had time to do more than laugh, which was really for the best. “Have fun with the horses.”

  He watched her walk away. Fuck, she was preying on him.

  He’d thought plenty about the benefits of accepting tenure, but the real costs hadn’t truly sunk in until now. Not just giving up the particular satisfaction of life around horses, the routines and the high moments, like convincing a testy colt to let him sit
bareback, but also the sort of challenge Jenna represented. After securing her agreement to keep their distance, he wanted nothing more than to take it all back.

  Everything about her was out of his comfort zone. She was off-limits, risqué and pushy, always trying to turn him inside out. On Sunday they’d go their separate ways, but between now and then, what if he could take a step beyond his borders? Immerse himself in the effect she had on him. Then, he would decide to take tenure, or not, and she wouldn’t be hanging over him like an unexplored avenue.

  Maybe.

  Jesus, she had hijacked more of his good sense than he ever thought possible. He was starting not to recognize himself.

  Chapter Four

  Rob was making her crazy. Jenna didn’t know what he wanted, and neither did he.

  The serious professor was attractive enough, but Cowboy Rob intrigued the hell out of her. She’d never seen him so loose, so playful. And even though she’d been fully aware of the sexual tension between them, she hadn’t thought he had a clue. Wrong.

  He’d looked at her like she was a luscious eclair he wanted to devour. She’d have let him with one word, too. Instead he’d let her walk away.

  She showered, her hands and feet filthy from even a few minutes in the barnyard, and then took her time getting ready for the boat and dinner, changing into a maxidress and cute wedge sandals that were a thousand times more comfortable than those godforsaken boots. When the room’s telephone rang, Jenna was the only one dressed and ready to go. She barely got out, “Hello?” when Chloe shouted into her ear.

  “Thank God you’re still there. Why aren’t you answering your phone? You have to go to the barn.”

  “What?” Jenna touched a finger to her forehead as her brain sorted through Chloe’s blurted bits. “My phone is off.”

  Chloe might have growled. “Ryan just got down here and said he heard Rob laughing inside the barn as he walked by. He’s going to miss the boat, Jenna. I knew this would happen.” Chloe’s voice lowered ominously with every word.

  Jenna glanced at the clock on the microwave in their kitchenette. 3:30. Oh boy. If the best man was ratting him out, Rob was going to get an earful and maybe worse.

  “It’ll be fi—” She bit her tongue, having learned the hard way not to tell a bride-to-be it would be fine. Or to calm down. “We’re walking out right now. We’ll make sure he’s on the way,” she said, gesturing “hurry up” to the others.

  “Thank you,” Chloe said, and then silence. No background noise, no goodbye, nothing.

  “Hello?”

  “What’s that about?” Talia asked as Jenna settled the phone back in its cradle.

  “I think Rob is about to lose his testicles. Shame.”

  “Oh no. There goes my weekend plans,” Rachel said with a fake pout as they left the cabin.

  “What?” Talia replied with a laugh.

  “I narrowed my choices down to him once I figured Natalie’s ex was probably still off-limits. Rob is…” Rachel fanned herself. “Whew.”

  The bolt of possessiveness that sliced through Jenna shocked her. She could easily imagine Rachel being perfect for Rob. Unlike Jenna, with her dirty mouth, and her boobs on view, Rachel buttoned her shirt properly and said things like “whew” and “gee.”

  “I’m sure Chloe will leave him intact,” Talia said. “And, oh! We need a sign, in case anyone gets lucky.”

  “What?” Jenna asked.

  “You know, a warning,” Rachel said. “Why not use the Do Not Disturb sign? If it’s hanging outside, the bed should be the only thing knockin’.” Rachel laughed at her own joke.

  “Oh God,” Jenna muttered.

  “Perfect,” Talia said, giving Jenna a squeeze. “And don’t worry, sweetie. We brought a forty-pack of condoms. You’re welcome to as many as you need.”

  This conversation was pure agony. “I’m pretty sure that won’t be necessary.”

  “You never know,” Talia said. “All that glitter has to go somewhere.”

  “Ew!”

  “Whoa,” Rachel said, stopping so abruptly Jenna almost bumped into her.

  “Damn,” Talia added, staring toward the barn at Rob’s cowboy doppelganger coming around the side.

  Seeing him through their eyes, in his dusty jeans and cowboy boots, sporting facial scruff and messy hair that definitely looked hand-stirred, Jenna understood the stupefaction. He looked sexy as hell. It wasn’t just his attire and casual grooming, though. His carriage was totally different, his gait more relaxed, his shoulders less rigid. And he was smiling.

  “Goodness,” Rachel whispered.

  Hell, yes. The pièce de résistance was his shirt. He had one tail untucked, and there was a handprint smeared on the front. Very possibly Jenna’s handprint. He looked like he was running out of the barn after a quickie.

  “Gettin’ it on in the barns, Rob?” Talia asked. Jenna drew her lips between her teeth, her laughter making her jerk like she was coughing.

  He flicked a glance in her direction and drew himself up like one of those collapsible toys that spring upright when you let go of the button. All of a sudden, old starched-Rob stood in front of them, stiff as a rail. “I am not dignifying that with an answer.”

  “Looks like it was a good time, though,” Talia mumbled.

  Jenna felt a stab of sympathy for him. It had taken less than a finger snap for his ease to disappear. He and Natalie were the exact opposite of Chloe, reserved to the point where people in high school had called them stuck-up. Only now, seeing how quickly he went from relaxed to rigid, Jenna wondered if what everyone interpreted as hauteur was actually something else. A brand of introversion, maybe, or some self-protective instinct.

  “Are you coming on the boat ride?” Rachel asked him. “Chloe said three forty-five sharp.”

  “I know. If you’ll excuse me, I have to clean up.” He gave a last frown, seemingly at Jenna, then walked by.

  They all followed his progress toward the lodge. His long strides ate up ground, and every heel strike raised little clouds of dust. Jenna had no trouble imagining the jingle of spurs.

  The change in him was disconcerting. He’d slapped his hat against his thigh, closing the conversation in a way that would have made Jenna laugh three hours ago, when she thought he was just a stiff with an unlikely love of horses. Now she knew better. He was Cowboy Rob. Sexy Cowboy Rob. Possibly even Shy Sexy Cowboy Rob.

  “Should we wait for him?” Rachel asked, sounding a little breathless.

  “Nah. He’s a big boy,” Jenna said for the second time today. “He’ll make it. Or he won’t.”

  He did, barely, but the boat ride turned out to be more of a party, than a tour. Rob, fully reverted back to his old form, spent most of the cruise upstairs. Jenna stayed downstairs, with the loud music and dancing. Chloe did send her to lure him down, but he was studying the view and didn’t invite company. She’d tried to entice him into one dance, but his stout refusal, and her unwillingness to add to his discomfort, kept her from pushing him.

  When the group returned to the lodge, Jenna split off from the others at the porch and headed up to the cabin to grab her evening bag and phone. She still needed to stop at the front desk with her credit card. The message light on the room phone was blinking. Probably a reminder for her.

  She hurried back to the lodge and handed her card to the young woman behind the desk. Emma, according to her name tag.

  “There’s a message here for you,” she said, handing Jenna a folded note.

  Jenna opened it with trepidation. Call home, please. “She wasn’t this polite, was she?”

  Emma flushed a blotchy red. “Oh, um…no, she was fine.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Jenna said. What else could she do? She had specifically avoided telling her mom where she was staying for this very reason. In one of her flipped-out states, her mom wasn’t satisfied until everyone was as miserable and angry as her. Now she’d tracked Jenna down, and there was only one explanation for how. She’d called th
e Lindgrens.

  Jenna dropped into one of the club chairs in the lobby and turned her phone back on. There were no messages from Stephen, but several from her mom. In all caps. Jenna texted them both again, begging them to figure it out.

  She had played this role so often it was almost a ritual. After her Ponzi-scheming father bilked millions from investors, he fled the country, leaving his family without access to a penny beyond the value of the ridiculous house they lived in. When they had to move, her mom—never the most stable or nurturing parent to begin with—had gone right off the deep end. At first, Jenna had lost it, too, going wild enough to earn at least part of her reputation. Self-destructive as it was, she milked the notoriety, more comfortable with being thought promiscuous than the daughter of a despised white-collar criminal. Stephen finally woke her up. He needed someone, anyone, so she stepped into the gap.

  Now he was within a few weeks of graduating from high school, and Jenna sometimes felt like she was the sole reason he’d made it. She had to help him over the line.

  Her mom didn’t reply, so Jenna muted her phone and sent one more text to her brother, telling him she loved him, reminding him he just had to gut it out a little longer. Two more weeks, then Stephen could decide what to do with himself, and their mom couldn’t stop him.

  Jenna pushed send and dropped her hands in her lap. “One fucking drama-free weekend, that’s all I ask,” she said under her breath. And then, as if karma was mocking her, dress shoes entered her line of sight, and a warm hand cupped her shoulder.

  “Is everything okay? You look grim.”

  She glanced up at Rob. “Gee, thanks.” He knew at least the basics of her dysfunctional clan. For sure, he knew about her notorious dad. He’d told her they’d discussed the case in his criminal law class once, much to her mortification. “It’s just my mom,” she said, waving away his concern. “You know.”

  “I do. Do you need anything?”

  “Just a minute to clear my head.” Jenna’s smile felt wobbly, and she realized it was…relief. She hadn’t really been conscious of why she felt so bothered about Rob on the boat. “Hey, you’re not angry at me, are you?”