Lulu's Loves

by Barbara S. Stewart

  “I’ll have a glass of Pinot Grigio please.”

  “Still sissy white,” he said with a smile. “Bourbon, neat, and an order of the crab cake bites, please.”

  “I’m hungry,” he told me after she walked away. “When do you go back to the university?”

  “Not until the seventh of January. I was ready for this break. I’m tired.”

  “Tell me,” he prompted.

  “Micah’s death-it’s been a lot.”

  “Tell me about the house,” he said, bypassing the Micah topic. He wasn’t ready to hear more about that.

  “It’s amazing,” I smiled a genuine smile. “I have pictures.”

  I pulled out my phone and he scooted closer. I wasn’t ready for that. It took my by surprise. He smiled. “It’s all right, Lulu.”

  I found the pictures and showed him from beginning to the last pic I’d taken. “It’s great. I love the whimsy feel.”

  “Exactly what I was going for. I will always have more projects for the inside and then, when the weather is nice, I have some yard projects for spring break.” I felt him watching me with an expression that showed pride.

  “Maybe I can see it before I go,” but my alarm halted him. “It’s fine, Lulu.”

  Our wine and the crab bites came and he moved back across from me. We made small talk and ordered our meal a little later. It was pleasant, but I think both of us sat on the edge of our seats, waiting. I’m not sure what for. It was as though we knew something was going to happen-but it didn’t. It was pleasant.

  When we finished our meal, Thom asked if we could take a walk. The restaurant was on the river. It was a nice evening and there was a brisk breeze off the water. I noticed Thom clasp his hands behind his back.

  “One of the best restaurants I’ve been to. The food was great, but the company was better.” He turned to glance my way. “Thank you, Lulu. Thank you for sharing your evening with me, it’s been nice.”

  “It was nice. Thank you for keeping the pace comfortable. I have to admit that I was a wreck before I got here. I’m so confused about you.” I looked down as we walked a ways further.

  “Confused?” he asked.

  “My head keeps reminding me of the past…”

  “But?” he looked my way, and smiled.

  “But my heart keeps flip-flopping back and forth between the old feelings and the hurt. One second I want to be mad at you–angry mad–pissed off, hurt, slap the piss out of you angry. And then the old feelings come back.” I reveled in the quiet for a moment.

  “I should go, it’s getting late.” Suddenly, alarmingly, I felt the need to get away from him–to not be close–to not smell the smell that reminded me of before.

  “Wait, Lulu, please. Can I call you in the morning? Can we talk again? I haven’t had enough of you yet.”

  My brain filled with memories and I thought the dam would burst. I choked on a sob. He’s said those same words to me when I first met him. He noticed that I was about to cry.

  “I meant what I told you when I repeated your words. I wake in the morning–offered a new opportunity to get things right. Just a chance, Lulu.”

  “You can call me,” I said and turned back toward my car. I was afraid he’d follow me, but when I reached the car, he was still standing there. As I got in, he waved and when I waved back, he blew a kiss.

  As I made the short drive home, my mind raced.

  You have to get this straight in your head, Lulu. You can’t be caught up in passionate memories and draw only on those feelings. You have to remember it all–how devastated you felt and how hard it was to move on after it. You have to think with your brain and not your passionate heart. You’re a smart girl. Think, Lulu, Think.

  When I was in the house, I sat down on the sofa to reflect. I put my feet up, hit the remote to turn on some music and closed my eyes.

  It was a pleasant evening. I could tell that he was trying hard to keep it low key. How do I move forward? When he calls in the morning–then what?

  I felt my phone vibrate on the sofa beside me. It was too late to be anyone but Thom.

  Thank you.

  Thank you. Thank you for making it easier than I expected. I replied.

  It was easy–I don’t want to scare you off. I want to see you again. Can we meet for breakfast?

  Come here. I replied without thinking it through.

  Are you sure?

  I replied with the address and said good night.

  You played that real safe, Lulu…

  The next morning I woke early and got ready for the day. In the kitchen, I was busy getting things ready for a breakfast skillet when he knocked on the door.

  “Come in.”

  He handed me a bouquet of daisies in rainbow colors as he entered. “There was a grocery store on the way. I brought this too.” Inside the bag were champagne and orange juice.

  “Perfect. Come to the kitchen.”

  I noticed that he moved slowly, taking note of my home. “It’s a great place, Lulu. You’ve really made it fun.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I’ll make mimosas while you get that going,” he said. He opened drawers and cupboards until he found what he needed while I threw everything in the pan, biscuits were already baking in the oven.

  He handed me a glass and raised his in toast. “To new roads.” He didn’t wait for me to say anything. “May I look around?”

  “Sure,” I said, proudly.

  He took his glass and wandered through the house. Finally, he returned and I saw him open the French glass dining room doors and looked out before returning to the kitchen. “Nice yard. I’m intrigued by the tires.”

  “My spring project,” I told him and pulled up a picture on my phone. Primary colored tires were stacked in three staggering levels and colorful flowers spilled from the openings.

  “I love it! More of the whimsy,” he smiled.

  I handed him a plate. “We can eat here or in the dining room.”

  “I like here,” he said, and pulled out a chair.

  Small talk and mimosas filled the hour we spent at the table.

  Finally, he pushed his plate aside and turned to me. “Let’s go to the zoo.”

  “What?” I laughed.

  “I know you aren’t comfortable hanging out here, so I read in the hotel guide that you have a great zoo here. Let’s go.”

  “I’ll grab my shoes and be back in a minute.”

  When I returned, the kitchen was spic and span clean, and I smiled.

  “Leave it,” he said when I grabbed my purse. “Grab your ID if you think you need it, and slip your key in your pocket. Come on.” He reached for my hand and I allowed it to slip into his.

  We walked outside, and there in the driveway sat the Shelby. I smiled and he noticed. “Had to have some work done a while back, but I’ll revive her as long as I can.”

  The drive to the zoo was quiet. I wasn’t sure what to say, and I got the feeling that Thom was afraid to say anything. The day was gorgeous as we began to walk. We made our way through “Africa” and then the gardens on the way to “South America.” Finally, we stopped for a while at the river before making our way to “Asia.”

  I sat on a bench to enjoy the view while Thom left to get drinks. He returned to share and enjoy the beauty of the day. It was cool, but the sun was warm.

  “This is a nice zoo. It’s just the right size to enjoy. I’m enjoying it Lulu.”

  “Me too,” I answered, but didn’t look at him.

  “Don’t hide your smile from me Lulu.”

  “You said that to me when I first met you.” I looked up and his smile was anxious. I smiled again and wondered what would come of all this. What should come of it. I watched him as he watched me. My heart felt warm. I hadn’t felt that feeling in a very long time.

  “Come on,” he said, reaching once more, for my hand. “Asia awaits.”

  By the time we’d made our way around the park it was starting to get dark. “The park clos
es at five and reopens at six for the holiday lights,” I said.

  “Then we’ll go grab a bite of something and return, unless you have something planned.”

  I wasn’t sure what he meant; I guess I was staring at him. “Do you have other plans Lulu? I can take you home.”

  “No.”

  After dinner, we returned to the zoo to ogle at the light display. We walked around chatting about the day and drank hot chocolate. Finally, we headed toward my house.

  “Thank you for a wonderful day, Lulu,” he said as we drove.

  “It was a good day. I enjoyed it.”

  When we got to the house, he walked me to the door. As I opened it, he reached for my hand.

  “Good night, Lulu. Thank you. I’ll call you in the morning.”

  I found myself waiting, wondering, bracing myself for what came next. He squeezed my hand and walked away.

  “Thom,” I called out. He turned my way. “Thank you.”

  He smiled, and turned back to leave.

  I sat on the sofa after he was gone and tried to think. It had been a pleasant few days, but in my heart, I couldn’t help wondering. New Year’s Eve is in two days and I know Thom is going to ask, really he already had; that’s why he’s here. I wondered what he was looking for from us, and I wondered if the past would keep me from enjoying what could be a future. I remembered how much I loved him, and then…I remembered how badly he’d hurt me.

  In my mind I saw a rope with a happy Lulu at one end, and a sad Lulu at the other, both pulling with all their might, neither budging an inch.

  My phone rang and I looked. I didn’t need to; I knew it was Thom as soon as it rang.

  “Hey,” he said before I did.

  “Hello.” As I said the word, a smile passed my lips. I felt it. It was a real, genuine smile. It wasn’t a smile to be pleasant, it was a smile from my heart, and I felt the happy Lulu pull the rope a little closer to her side of the line.

  “Thanks for spending the day with me,” he told me.

  “Thanks for sharing your day with me. I enjoyed it. Come for breakfast in the morning.”

  My heart spoke before my tongue could stop it. I did want him to come. I did want to see him and be with him. But I said a prayer in those quick seconds that the Lord not only gave me strength, but that he would guide me to know what next.

  “Are you sure, Lulu? I don’t want to overstay my visit. I don’t want to crowd you or…”

  “Thom, come for breakfast. Good night.” I hung up before I changed my mind.

  The next morning, I had pancakes and sausage waiting when he arrived. When the door opened, I knew. I knew that I had to follow my heart and pray for the best. I knew that at least this part of my future included Thom Miller.

  He walked toward me like he knew. He wrapped his arms around me and held me, and I felt love. I eased myself closer and lifted my lips to his for a kiss. It was a sweet, love-filled kiss, not a passionate kiss. I stepped away and he pulled me back for one more, burying his face in the nape of my neck whispering, “Thank you, Lulu,” in my ear.

  After breakfast we worked in the garage together on my next project. I’d found an old, white, single cabinet at a yard sale and had already rough sanded it so that it looked even older. I wanted to chalk paint it and add legs and small drawers inside for a spice cabinet. We worked all afternoon, and ordered a pizza later.

  After we ate, we went to the living room. Thom turned on some music and we sat together enjoying a glass of wine.

  Finally, he turned to me. “I should go. It’s getting late. Thank you for another great day.”

  I inhaled what I hoped would be a dose of courage and looked in his eyes. “I don’t want there to be any expectations. I honestly have no idea what will happen, but I don’t want you to believe that you do either.”

  He looked at me anxiously.

  “I’d like for you to stay.”

  He didn’t say a word. He rose from the sofa, reached for my hand, and led me up the stairs. He threw back the bed covers, kicked off his shoes and lay on the bed–fully dressed. I did the same. There was no skin touching skin this time. He held his arms for me to scoot into and wrapped me in his embrace. There was no kissing. There was nothing more than Thom Miller holding me in his arms.

  Finally, he kissed the back of my neck. “Thank you, Lulu.”

  I didn’t say a word, I couldn’t. I was holding back a flood of tears that I didn’t want to unleash.

  Breathe, Lulu. Breathe.

  When I woke in the morning, he wasn’t there. I panicked. But then I smelled coffee. I walked down stairs and he was sitting at the kitchen table when I rounded the corner.

  “Good morning.”

  “Good morning to you. Have you been up long,” I asked.

  “Long enough to have a cup of coffee and think. I always like this time of morning; my brain is fresh.” He rose and poured me a cup. I sat down to wait.

  He placed the cup in front of me and I looked up. “I remember,” he said.

  I took a sip and he refreshed his and sat quietly at the table.

  “What were you thinking about?” I asked.

  “Actually, I was thinking about how to not think beyond each moment.” He looked up and my heart melted.

  “I suppose that’s hard; I couldn’t do it.”

  “What are you thinking about, Lulu?” he asked.

  “I can’t go much past a day right now. One day at a time, I guess.”

  “Am I part of this day?” He asked and made that ‘chk’ sound and winked.

  “I suppose. You’re already here,” I laughed.

  “It’s New Year’s Eve,” he said.

  “Before you ask, I don’t want to go anywhere.”

  “Can we go to the grocery store and pick up some things to have a celebration here?” he asked, with a chuckle.

  “Are you going to stay here?” I asked.

  He just looked at me. It made me nervous. It made me anxious.

  “Do you want me to, Lulu?” he asked. I felt his nervousness and anxiousness too.

  “I do.”

  We ran out with a grocery list, but Thom went to the hotel first.

  “I need clothes. I’ll be right back,” he said, as he put the car in park.

  “No expectations. Just check out. You can stay at the house,” I said.

  “No expectations,” he repeated.

  He was gone about fifteen minutes and in that time, my mind ran a marathon. It went through every memory–good and bad. I went through every possibility and worry. And finally it rested when I saw him coming with his bag. It rested. It settled into the idea that Thom was coming home to me.

  After a stop at the grocery store for snacks, and stop at the liquor store for wine, champagne, and bourbon, we headed to the house. I went to the kitchen to unpack the groceries and Thom disappeared with his bag.

  Finally, we settled in to watch the movie When Harry Met Sally. Neither of us was interested in the music programs. We timed the movie to be able to watch the ball drop. I put snacks on the coffee table and sat on the sofa while Thom fixed drinks. When he returned he sat down beside me.

  “May I?” he asked.

  “May you what?” I laughed.

  He scooted closer and put his arm around my shoulder, tugging me closer. “May I this?”

  I didn’t reply with words, I just scooted closer.

  At the end of the movie, he switched the TV to one of the stations airing the live festivities. We watched as Ryan Seacrest and Miranda Lambert helped count down as the ball made it’s way to the bottom.

  “Happy New Year twenty-thirteen!” They yelled on the TV and Thom pulled me in his embrace and kissed me passionately.

  It felt like I was drowning in all that I’d missed of him these last years. I returned the kiss. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer. He pulled my legs across his lap and held me close.

  “Lulu,” he whispered. “How I’ve missed you.”

  I
scooted away and tried to catch my breath, tried to reason with my emotions. I failed miserably. But Thom stopped me from acting on them.

  “Those kisses were amazing and I feel the same as you do, but I don’t want you to jump on the heat of a moment, Lulu. I want you to make sure what you want. I want you to want me because you’ve thought about it and made peace with the past so that you can move forward to a future, not because you’re lonely.”

  “Jesus, Thom, you just passed on a great opportunity to get laid,” I laughed. I knew he was right. I knew it was a heated moment. I felt the heat all through my body.

  “I don’t want to get laid, Lulu. I want to make love with you. I’m going to bed to let you think about that.” He kissed my forehead and left me on the sofa.

  I took the dishes and glasses to the kitchen and turned lights out. When I got to the top of the stairs, I saw that my bed was empty. I walked down the hall to the spare room and knocked.

  “Yes?”

  I opened the door and found him in the bed.

  “I just wanted to say good night,” I said.

  “Good night, Lulu,” he said, and turned off the light.

  I closed the door behind me and went to my room. I changed into my pajamas and slipped in between the sheets. I just lay there for the longest time. Never had my bed felt so lonely. I tossed and turned and wondered if he was sleeping.

  Finally, I got up and walked down the hall. I knocked lightly, but there was no response. I opened the door, just a crack. The moonlight shone thru the window and I saw him lying there with his hands behind his head as though he was waiting for me.

  “Damn you,” I said.

  “If you didn’t come soon, I was going to come to you. I couldn’t wait much longer, Lulu. Even if all I do is hold you, I couldn’t be away from you much longer.”

  He held his arm so that I could crawl in with him. When I was beside him, he held me close to him. I put my head on his chest. Kissing his torso as he held me, I wanted him. I slipped from his arms and sat up, pulling my pajama top over my head. I moved away and shoved the bottoms down and away.