I suck in a breath as I feel my eyes start to water. I want to stop the tears, but I can’t as they fall down my cheeks. How can I fight him on this when it seems like it means so much?
Me: Ok. Thank you. You have no idea how much I appreciate this.
Knox: I know you do, which is why I did it.
“Oh shit, the ugly cry face,” Mia says, startling me. I was so wrapped up in Knox’s texts that I forgot she was even there. “Tears of joy or tears of fury?”
“Tears of joy … gratefulness,” I answer. I hold my phone out so she can read his text.
“Damn girl, this man is so sweet for you.” She punches her arm through the air. “We have a winner. My best friend finally has a good man.”
I suck in a sniffle. “Whoa, calm down, killer. He’s not my man. We’re not even together-together.”
“Does he know that?”
“Yes, I made it very clear before I left that we couldn’t be anything serious.”
Mia’s dark brows pull in. “Why? You have a good thing in your life, and you’re throwing it away for nothing. I know you think men in those situations can’t be trusted and it won’t work out, but you’re basing that belief off of two men. Your dad and Adam. Don’t kill your entire love life off because one douchebag hurt you. Plenty of celebrities are in committed relationships.”
“He has a reputation that matches theirs to a tee, Mia. To a fucking tee. I’d rather step away now than get my heart stomped on in a few weeks and an embarrassment is made out of me.”
She lets out a long sigh. She doesn’t like my answer, and I probably won’t be hearing the end of this. “Let’s go out to dinner tonight. We haven’t celebrated your homecoming since you’ve been back, and I know as soon as school starts it’s going to be like pulling your hair out to get you to do something with me.”
41
Libby
“Don’t freak out,” Mia whispers. I look up at her as she twirls her dark hair around a finger and looks at me anxiously.
Two days have passed since I’ve been home. Knox texts me every morning, and we talk throughout the day. He hasn’t mentioned our relationship, but I think he’s subtly trying to show me this is how we make it work – that we’re capable of surviving a long distance relationship.
I’m at lunch with Mia. She’s trying to get in all the girl time she can before I get swamped with school and work.
“Don’t freak out about what?” I ask. We’re sitting outside on the patio of one of our favorite restaurants.
“There’s three men with cameras pointed directly at us right behind you.”
“What?” I turn around to see what she’s looking at, and sure enough, there are three guys with expensive cameras plastered to their hands with the lenses focused directly on me.
I twist back around in my chair and let out an annoyed huff. “See? This is exactly what I told you happens when you’re dating a man in the spotlight … especially one as famous as Knox.”
“So the fuck what? They’ll take a few lame ass pictures of you scarfing down your grilled chicken and asparagus. If that’s the stress you have to go through to be with a great man, take it. You could have to wait months for him to come home from war or have to become a sister wife.”
“Are you really trying to compare me being with Knox to sharing him with numerous other women?”
“Yes, and hopefully it sinks into that thick headed skull of yours that shit could be worse.”
I grab my water and take a drink. “It’s still not what I want to go through every time I decide to go somewhere. They’ll post these pictures online, and all of his fans will call me ugly and criticize everything about me.”
“And you’re the one in his bed, so whether you’re wearing an unflattering dress or have a zit on your nose, you still win.”
“Whatever, I’m done talking about it.”
We finish our food, pay the bill, and make our way back to the Jeep. The jackasses with the cameras are still snapping photos and recording our every move. I pick up my pace when they start to follow me.
“Libby! Libby! How are things with Knox now that you’re not on tour with him anymore?” one yells.
Another one gets closer. “Are you guys an official couple? Does he still have feelings for Stella?”
“Has he met your dad in prison?”
“Why did he punch Adam Dole? Are the rumors you used to date him true?”
I twist around to look at them. “Please quit following me!” I yell. “Knox and I have decided to go our separate ways.”
The words leave my mouth before I realize what I’m saying. Everyone holding a camera grins. I gave them exactly what they wanted.
I roughly pull open the Jeep door and jump in.
“I can’t believe you said that,” Mia says, getting in. “Are you crazy?”
“They wouldn’t shut the hell up,” I snap, attempting to shove the keys into the ignition with my shaking hands, but I keep missing.
She grabs them and does the job for me. “You need to call Knox and tell him about this. He’s going to be livid and confused when it gets back to him.”
I hate that she’s right, but what’s done is done.
42
Knox
I’m watching the clip Easton emailed me for the fifth time.
“Knox and I have decided to go our separate ways.”
I refresh the screen.
“Knox and I have decided to go our separate ways.”
I pause on her face. She looks beautiful. Fucking gorgeous. Her hair is swept back in a braid, showing off every color in it. I miss her so damn much, and it sucks that the first time I see her after leaving she’s saying this. I don’t see a smile or any light in her eyes. There’s only annoyance and irritation. But she looks breathtaking even when she’s driving a knife into my heart.
The feeling of betrayal pumps through my veins.
Why didn’t she come to me first instead of blindsiding me?
Yes, she hinted at not wanting a long distance relationship while I was on tour, but she’s still been texting me. We talk daily. How can you claim to go separate ways with someone that you’re still in constant contact with?
I feel like I’m the side-dick – the guy she’s trying to keep hidden from the world.
I pick up my phone and hit Thomas’ name.
“Hey, can we make a break in my schedule?” I ask.
“What do you mean make a break in your schedule?” His tone is annoyed, which I don’t blame him. “You just got to Tokyo.”
“Find time, ok? Even if it’s only for a day, I don’t care.”
“What’s going on? Where do you intend on going?”
“Home.”
He blows out a breath. “You do know that’s a fifteen-hour flight?”
“Do you think I give a shit?”
“We’ve decided to go our separate ways?” I blurt out as soon as Libby opens up her front door.
Her mouth falls open, and it takes her a few seconds to grasp that I’m actually standing in front of her. I’ve been on a fifteen-hour flight and probably look like I’ve been dragged through hell.
I have mentally, to be honest. My mind has been frantic with uncertainty since I saw the video, and I wasn’t sure what I’d be walking into when I showed up here.
“Knox.” My name sounds so sweet coming from her lips. I’ve missed that.
“We’ve decided to go our separate ways?” It kills me more with each time I say it. Those six words have been haunting me.
Her blonde hair is braided down the side, and she’s only wearing a sports bra and sweat pants.
She holds up her hand, struggling to come up with the right words to explain how she blindsided me with this. “Let … let me explain.”
“Let you explain? You explained plenty to the entire world! What happened to you wanting to keep our relationship private and between us and us only?”
She looks behind her shoulder before stepping outside a
nd shutting the door behind her. “We talked about this.” Her voice lowers to almost a whisper. “We agreed that trying to keep a relationship while you’re away on tour … or in the spotlight, period, isn’t realistic.” Her eyes focus on the ground. Just like at the airport – she can’t even look at me.
“That’s bullshit. I’m perfectly capable of holding a relationship and being committed to you while I’m on tour and in the spotlight. It’s you, you and you only, who is so afraid, so goddamn scared of what people will say. You’re so worried about the possibility of your heart getting broken that you won’t even listen to it when it’s happy!”
She finally looks up at me, and when she does, I can see the shame on her face. I can see her fighting with herself to pull away. She loves me, so why is she doing this to us?
“This is what I was afraid of,” she finally says. “The destruction of our friendship because we crossed that line.”
I run my hands over my face and shake my head to hold back my hurt. “What we have is more than friendship, and you know it. Don’t try to minimize it for your convenience.”
“I’m not! You want me to be honest, to be real, and that’s what I’m doing right now! You have this silly fantasy that everything will work out between us. It’s unrealistic. Why can’t you see that?”
Silly fantasy?
I take a step back from her. “I’m awake, baby. Trust me, my eyes are completely open now.”
Tears start to fall down her cheeks, and I’m trying my hardest to stop my own. I’ve never felt this shattered, like someone ripped me open with promises and then infected me with lies. Why should I allow her to see me suffer if she doesn’t give a damn that she’s the one causing the pain?
“I don’t want to hurt you, Knox.”
“You already have! Why did you open up and give me what I wanted if you didn’t plan on letting me keep you? Why did you get my hopes up if you weren’t going to give me a fair chance? I can hold a relationship. I’ve done it before, and I did it for years. Maybe it’s you with the relationship issues.”
“You’re probably right,” she says, softly. Her response shocks the shit out of me. “I have commitment and trust issues that will tear us apart. I’ll never be able to trust you, and a relationship without trust is a relationship that’s never going to last. If you don’t answer your phone one night, I’ll think you’re cheating. There’s no changing that. I don’t know why I’m like this, but I am.”
I close the space between us to grab her hands in mine. “Let me show you it doesn’t have to be that way. Let me prove your fears wrong.”
She pulls away. “I’m sorry … I can’t,” she whispers, before clearing her throat and straightening her back. “I know you have a show soon that’s halfway across the world. You need to get going. Don’t ruin your career over me.”
I throw my hands up in defeat and start to back away from her. “You’re going to regret this one day, I promise you that, and you’re going to die when you feel the same rejection and heartbreak that I’m feeling right now when you find someone you love as much as I do you. I promise you, it’s not pretty, and it’ll tear you apart.”
43
Libby
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Mia screams as soon as I get back inside. She’s standing in front of me, arms crossed, face fuming. She points to the door. “That man is out there begging you to give him a chance. He loves you. Don’t shut him out because of your insecurities.”
“Stay out of my business,” I answer, walking around her. I knew she’d be eavesdropping on our conversation. The girl has ears like a hawk.
“No, I won’t. You’re my best friend, and I love you. It’s my job to be in your business and tell you when you’re acting like a fucking coward, and quite frankly, you’re acting like a fucking coward!”
Her words of honesty shove through my chest like a knife. Do I regret ending things with Knox? Yes. But I’d rather live with regret than go through a Knox heartbreak that will tear me apart worse than what it already is.
“I don’t want that life!” I scream.
“You’re not choosing that life. You’re choosing him. He comes with baggage, yes, and if you’re not thinking clearly, so do you.”
“Whatever.” I run up the stairs and slam my bedroom door shut.
“Fucking coward!” Mia yells again.
Tears are still slipping down my cheeks when I fall down face first onto my bed. I almost made a run for it when Mia looked through the peephole and said Knox was standing at the front door. I even considered not answering and acting like I wasn’t home, but there was no way she was letting that slide. She threatened to let him in and record our entire conversation if I didn’t go out there and hear what he had to say.
“Fucking coward!” Mia yells again.
And I know I’m going to be hearing those words all night.
I grab my remote, turn on my TV, and crank the volume up.
I have to drown her out before she convinces me to change my mind.
Three days have passed since Knox walked away from me.
Three days of fucking hell.
I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve picked up the phone to call him. It’s killing me knowing I led him on and then pulled away when I felt like the time was right. I knew I’d eventually have to leave him on tour and go back to school, so I never should’ve let it go that far, but I couldn’t help myself.
People always fall in love at the wrong time in the wrong place with the wrong person. Love is never convenient. It’s the most difficult, yet satisfying journey you’ll go through in life.
Damnit, why can’t our hearts just beat for us and that’s it? Why do we have to feel emotions through them?
I miss our little conversations. I miss his annoying and dirty texts. I miss eating breakfast with him every morning. You don’t realize how much you miss something until it’s gone and you know you’ll never get it back.
“Have you come to your senses and called him yet?” Mia asks when I walk into the kitchen. She’s asked me this same question every morning, making me feel even more like shit.
I grab a mug from the cabinet and pour myself a cup of coffee. “I told you to stay out of my business.” I start adding creamer while waiting for her to continue her preaching.
“And I told you that isn’t happening. If I was making a mistake like this with Dixon, you’d call me out on my bullshit, and you know it. I’m your best friend. I want you to be happy, and Knox Rivers makes your usually grumpy ass happy.” She pauses and then grins wide. “Wow, I never thought I’d say something like that.”
“Trust me, neither did I,” I grumble, taking a sip of my coffee.
“Why are you so afraid of love?”
I set my cup down on the table before plopping down in a chair. “I’m not afraid of love.” She snorts, and I give her a dirty look. “I’m scared of that kind of relationship. The one where every girl wants the guy I’m dating, where creeps are following me around, and my pictures are in magazines talking about Knox cheating on me. I don’t want that shit. Never have. Never will.”
“You won’t even deal with it to be happy and with the man you love?”
“I thought I was in love before, but it was immaturity and delusion. I honestly don’t trust my heart anymore.”
“Quit comparing him to Adam’s bitch ass. Knox turned down every girl while you were together. He could’ve pulled a move like douchebag and snuck around with some skank in a dirty ass bathroom, but he didn’t.”
“That’s not what I’m doing. I’m comparing him to every single guy out there with girls throwing themselves at him. So drop it. I’m sick of hearing you lecture me about it.”
“Fine, I tried, and as your best friend, I’ll be here waiting for you to cry on my shoulder when Knox starts dating someone else.” I cough on my drink, and coffee splatters from my lips onto the table. Mia grins. The girl is smart. “See. How did it feel when I talked about him being with another
woman? It hurt, right? It’s something that will happen, though. So be prepared.”
“I hate it when you make sense.”
“Text him. Call him. Do something before it’s too late.”
“I’ll think about it.”
I get up, pour myself another cup, and go back to my bedroom.
“Before it’s too late!” Mia yells to my back.
I pick up my phone from my nightstand.
I set it back down.
Then pick it up again.
Why did Mia have to implant the thought in my mind of seeing Knox with another woman? It pains me even to think about him putting his hands on someone else, his lips kissing hers like he did mine, and him doing the kind, romantic gestures he did with me.
Whoever that lucky bitch will be, I already hate her.
I pick up my phone again and start typing before I change my mind.
Me: I don’t want you to hate me.
There. I started the conversation.
But what if he doesn’t answer?
What if he ignores me?
My chest tightens, and I start to grow dizzy while I wait to see if I’m going to get a response. I’m mad at myself because I’ll be waiting all day with my hand on my phone until I get one now.
My phone beeps, and I’m almost afraid to look at it. I slowly bring it up and read the text.
Knox: I could never hate you.
His answer makes me feel even more like shit.
Me: I’m sorry.
I jump when the phone starts to ring in my hand.
It’s Knox.
Should I answer it?
It might kill me more to hear his voice.
I have to answer it – considering I just texted him.
“Hello?”
“I thought it might be easier to talk. Emotions can get mixed up in texts.” His sweet voice soothes me, and all of that built up tension and anxiety in my body vanishes at the sound of it.
“Maybe we should talk when you get home. I texted you because I’ve felt like complete and utter shit since you left my house. I should’ve handled things differently.” I should’ve invited him in so we could have a real conversation, and I definitely shouldn’t have sucker punched him with what I said to the paparazzi.
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