Lies In Rewind

by Tali Alexander

  I’ve never felt this. I don’t even know what this feeling is called. I’ve fancied girls before, I’ve lusted over them before, I’ve even thought I found love before, but this is a feeling I can’t grasp. I’m not even sure if she’s making everything worse or better. Isa brought me to Emily, and Emily brought me to Sara. I just don’t reckon letting her go, despite not knowing whom she belongs to. I look down and I’m happy to have this beautiful, broken ballerina trust me and let me be this close. I inhale her scent and it makes me lightheaded. I want to let myself have this moment, to have this small ounce of joy, and then I remember how cruel the world I inhabit is. I recall how everything I’ve ever loved gets ripped away from me, and suddenly, I want to give her back before she gets taken away, too.

  I kiss the top of her head, and whisper to her, “Sara, if I accidentally like you more than I should, will you allow me to keep you?” I feel her kissing up my chest, not answering my plea. “Please don’t make me believe I can have you, only to have you go back to him.” She still doesn’t answer me. My heart literally aches as if she’s squeezing it tight by ignoring my request. I shouldn’t be scared to make love to her, even if just for one day, even if I’m disposable to her. I will have a part of her to cherish and enjoy even if just during my musings. We ought to have this, even if he comes back to take her away from me, he won’t be able to take away what we’ve shared together… I’ll own that.

  She finally sits up in my lap and looks at me. I look back into her beautiful eyes. She’s not the American girl from the pub, she’s not the sad lonely girl I found this morning, she is not even Emily’s best mate, she is my Sara. She doesn’t have to say another word, her eyes tell me everything.

  I get up and lift us both from the chair and lay her on the bed. I don’t need to ask her for anything, she already said yes. I remove all her clothes without looking away once. I’ve shed my clothing, too, and we’re both gloriously naked. I look down at her beautiful body and all I want is to be permitted to be the keeper and the owner of every cell, every freckle. I lower my head and kiss those sweet, tender lips. I spread her legs and position myself between her long elegant limbs. What joy would it be to start and end each day with those sexy lips? I don’t think I’d be able to sleep at night knowing those lips were sleeping right beside me. I kiss her and can’t help but smile, causing those lips I can’t seem to get enough of to smile, too. No words, we don’t need words. I know I want her. I’ve earned her. Even if for a moment, I deserve a bit of happiness.

  I deepen our kiss, filling her mouth with my tongue. I lower myself on top of her, letting our bodies touch. I may be on top but she’s in control; she has me in the palm of her hand and right now, I would do anything she asks of me. I see her start to close her eyes and a slow panic starts spreading down my body. No! No! I yell inside, Open your eyes Sara, as if I’m about to lose her. As if once those eyes close, our time will be over. I take hold of her face, which startles her and she opens her eyes and looks at me in confusion.

  “Don’t go,” I say to her.

  A pained smile forms on her lips and she says, “I have nowhere to go.”

  “What’s Love Got To Do With It” by Tina Turner

  I’ve always felt that Jeffery loved me, desired me, and wanted us to end up together one day. I am also, however, old enough to know that what we feel and what we want do not always materialize into what we deserve and what we eventually get in the end.

  I feel the connection, the pull I have with this beautiful man. I feel how much he wants me, and it feels wonderful. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt this needed by someone. Liam needs me and that knowledge and these emotions brewing inside of me are gradually paralyzing. I still can’t wrap my brain around why someone like him would need someone like me. I find myself doubting everything. Does he need me to help him forget his pain and move on? I am willing and spread out naked before him to do as he pleases. Earlier, I did ask him to do just this—fuck me! But I have this little intuition that I’m more to him than a fuck. He keeps saying sweet things to me I want to believe, but I’ve heard it all before. He has no idea how much he, and this, and us, means to me. He has given me so much strength with just the way he’s looked at me in the last few hours, that if nobody else ever looks at me again for the rest of my life, I’d be okay.

  I smile to myself, thinking how Liam won’t let me close my eyes. That has to be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever been asked not to do. I know what it means and it makes me want him even more, if that’s indeed even possible. I’m turning into the Sara I once was; I don’t remember this kind of hope blooming inside me since…since…I did what I did all those years ago. I’m not a bad person. I was young and stupid, but I always feel like a villain.

  I’m aware that my pussy actually contracts even though he hasn’t touched it. He holds my face as I finish telling him I have nowhere to go. His stare, the way his eyes flash pity and then delight is tremendous; he’s sad that I feel I’m a loser nobody wants, but he’s happy I’m his loser.

  The way his hair falls to one side and almost grazes my chest is picture-perfect. He loosens the harsh hold he has on my chin and moves his finger to caress my neck and lightly graze my breasts. How we react to each other, the things he says to me make what we’re about to do not feel as dirty or wrong as it probably is; it makes this feel like love. People who’ve met only hours ago are not supposed to look at each other this way. He should be crude and blasé with me. Shouldn’t he be treating me like a whore? What’s love got to do with it, I sing in my head. My common sense won’t let me enjoy this; it finally wakes the fuck up and starts demanding answers from my useless heart about how I let the situation get this far.

  I feel the panic begin in my stomach. If he won’t stop looking at me the way he is right now, then I’ll need to leave. I’ve been here before; I know what happens when I let someone look at me like this. All I asked is for him to fuck me! Not save me, or pretend to want to keep me! He needs to shove his dick in my mouth and fuck me like someone he will never see again.

  I’m a stupid jerk. Why did I climb into his lap earlier? Why am I setting myself up again? We need to stop this pretend bullshit pretense and watch that tape, now! I need to stop this! But, I can’t stop him now. He looks happy and I want him happy. I didn’t like the way he appeared scared when he saw me with my laptop. I climbed into his stupid lap as if I belong because I just wanted him to know that I’ll be right here for him, no matter what’s on that video. Now he’s looking at me and his eyes are making promises I know he won’t be able to keep once he knows the truth. How do I always manage to fuck up everything I touch?

  “I want your dick in my mouth,” I say, shocking him to shit with my scummy request.

  “Lovely, are we back to that again?” He tilts his head forcing a sad smile.

  I nod. “Let’s just get this shit over with. Let’s fuck each other’s brains out and get back to business.”

  He nods his head, agreeing with my statement, or pretending to agree with my statement. I’m too confused to decode.

  “What would make you happy, love? Should I climb up your face and gag you with my cock? Will that please you? Or perhaps I should turn you around and fuck you up your arse so your pussy stays untouched for Jeffery, the love of your life? Is that what you fancy? Does that sound nice, Sara?”

  I close my eyes because emotionally, I can’t do this anymore. My heart and head will never be on the same team. My heart knows what it wants and yet my head does everything to sabotage any chance of happiness I may ever possibly experience.

  “I can’t play pretend anymore. I can’t pretend you actually want me in this hotel and not Emily. I can’t pretend that if I keep letting you look at me like that, I won’t be even more broken than before we met, once you leave. Where will I go once you finish fucking me? I don’t have a home; I just have me and my lies—that’s my home. I don’t want you to look at me like I mean more to you than just some whore you met in a hotel ba
r. A whore you’ve witnessed get fucked and abandoned in the middle of the night. I know who I am, Liam, do you? Just fuck me so we get the tension out of the way and then you won’t need to wonder ‘what if.’ You and I mean nothing to each other, let’s not pretend anymore.”

  There. I’ve said it all. It hurts and it’s raw, but it’s true and I’m proud of myself for saying it all out loud.

  “Shut up, you stupid girl. I need you to shut your brain for a bit. I’m not a pretender and there is no one I desire to be under me but you. Get that through your head! Just you! You! You! Yes, you’re right, I don’t know everything about you, but you mean something to me…you mean a lot. Stop asking me to fuck you because I won’t. I need to love you, and you need to let me love you, and you need to start loving you. Your secrets and fibs don’t define you. I want you, Sara, and you need to stop pretending you don’t want me to love you.”

  All I have to do is let him in. He’s already in, but now he needs for me to invite him. I want this, I want him and nothing or no one should stand in my way, not JJ, not Emily, and not some tape. This is different than what happened with Jeff. “Liam, I want you more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life, but I’m petrified because I know I don’t deserve you. I don’t want to cause you more pain, but I do need you, I need you so much. I don’t have anybody, I only have you.”

  I’m on the verge of tears, but he smiles as if I’ve just given him the best news of his life. Seeing him happy makes me delirious. He has to be the cure to my disease, the cure that I’ve been praying for. I always believed that JJ would be my cure and make everything right, but even Jeff doesn’t make me feel the things I feel when this man looks at me. I feel alive and happy and above all, I feel loved. As fucked up as this is, I think somebody actually loves me.

  “No more tears,” he sternly warns me. “I just need my ballerina to keep smiling. I think I can handle anything this wretched life hurls at me as long as I have someone by my side. No! Not just someone; as long as you and I are here for one another, I can handle anything. Let me try to make you happy, Sara. You’re the first person in a long time I’ve wanted to make happy for all the right reasons. I don’t know what he did to you, but I won’t do the same thing. Please trust me,” he says, lowering his head to my neck as he begins to softly but thoroughly kiss every inch of me. “When I’m finally inside you in every way possible, you’ll know how bloody perfect we are,” he adds before taking my whole nipple with his beautiful mouth and sucking diligently.

  “If you keep talking and sucking, I may come without you ever touching my clit,” I say. I can feel him smiling with his mouth full and I love that little crinkle that forms around his eyes.

  “That’s the bloody point. Making you come until you can’t keep your eyes open.”

  I like hearing naughty things come out of that mouth of his in his sinfully sexy British accent, but I’m not sure I even could come more than once. I’ve lied to Em about having multiple orgasms countless times, but is that a normal thing to have? I wish I could just turn my analytical mind off, and enjoy this man and everything he wants to do to me. “Don’t beat yourself up if I don’t come more than once.”

  He lets go of my nipple and says with such seriousness that you’d think we’re debating world politics and not my potential climaxing tally, “You can and you will come more than one lousy time for the love of God. Got it? I have you under me and I plan to labor very hard and long to make you happy. It took me all bloody morning to convince your Yankee arse to let me do this. Sorry, but once just won’t do! I’ve never given twopence about making any bird come. So please consider how special you are, love. I’m not even thinking about my poor knob. I only care about your cunt and how your eyes will look once you let go and start trembling.”

  “Then, why are you still talking?” I ask with a wink.

  “Cheeky. I like it,” he replies continuing with his tongue licking down my stomach.

  This boy really makes me giddy. He’s beautiful and funny and his sweetness and charm drive me insane. I can probably look at him all day long and not find a single flaw. There is nothing about him I would change except I wish I’d met him fifteen years ago. I wish my heart had only known and loved someone like him. I wish I were there for him in his saddest hour like he is for me right now.

  “Come back, you need to kiss me.” I try to get him to stop tickling my stomach with his hair and tongue and come give me a long kiss.

  “Not yet, love, I need to kiss you somewhere else first,” he announces, already between my legs.

  Oh my God. I look down to see his face positioned at my entrance. He slides his arms under my unsteady legs and brings his hands over the top, holding me open for him and spreading my folds with his fingers. I’m drenched in desire as liquid pours out of me. He adjusts himself and flexes those ridiculous muscular arms of his, getting into the perfect position. He makes a real meal out of this, as if he plans to be down there for hours.

  My arousal level is at DEFCON 1. It feels weird to watch, feel, and respond to everything he’s doing to me. He uses one hand to spread my folds and the other hand is over my stomach, no doubt trying to calm my shaking body. I shiver as if being cold but I’m overheated and sweating everywhere. He smiles and shows me his tongue right before he slowly and lazily licks into my wetness. Oh. My. Fucking. God. Oh. My. God.

  “Nothing Compares 2U” by Sinéad O’Connor

  I wasn’t nervous until I felt Sara trembling under my touch, and it causes me to lose it and I begin to shake, too. This girl who seems fragile has enough strength to pull every string in my heart and I don’t bloody recognize myself. If the Me from yesterday saw the Me today, he wouldn’t know who this baffled bloke is. Isa once told me that when she was introduced to Louis at a party, she just knew that he was the one. I remember listening to her and thinking how preposterous that sounded; to see a person and think, Yeah I’d like to see you for the rest of my life. Even when I gave Brandy a ring and asked her to be my wife, I still couldn’t imagine only being with her for all my days. Then I met Emily, and the things that woman made me feel in a few short days were extraordinary. She woke something up inside of me, making me want to try, and live, and find happiness again. I truly thought I needed her for my happiness, but I stand corrected.

  The reactions I have to Sara don’t compare to any emotions I’ve ever felt. I’ve only known her for a handful of hours and yet I don’t recall a time I didn’t know her. It feels as if she’s been by my side my entire life. I’ve never met a girl I comprehend as well as I do her and I don’t want to know anything else. I don’t care about her past and what fibs she told the world, I just care about making whatever’s left of our lives beautiful and true… Don’t we deserve that? It can’t be that everything beautiful I hold in my hands gets ripped away. I didn’t think I’d ever find a reason or a will to go on after Isa killed herself. I think this is probably the first time in two miserable years I’ve even admitted that my sister killed herself.

  Her whole body shakes, but I know she’s not frightened of me. Her eyes expose just how very much she needs me to love her. It’s the excitement of knowing that after this moment, nothing will ever be the same again for us. It seems I’ve waited my whole life for this hour; the countless girls that have used me for status, the countless girls I’ve used in vain for pleasure, Brandy making a fool of me, Emily resetting and turning my world upside down, and Sara finally pressing play.

  If she never wants to say another word about her dubious past, that will be ace with me. Her choosing me is all the truth I need from her. This beautifully shattered girl, trembling under my touch, is my destiny. Life tried to separate us with geography and circumstances, but fate brought us here. I would endure my journey again to find her and make everything right.

  I look up at her spread naked before me. I’m about to French kiss her patiently awaiting pussy, glistening and beckoning me to have my first taste of heaven. I wonder if she knows that everything a
bout her is intoxicating; she’s slowly driving me insane. Those eyes are the true cause of my perpetual hard rod. How could those eyes tell a lie? Do her friends and family not look in her eyes when she speaks? We need no words; I already know everything I need to know. I’ll be good to her and she’ll never look at someone other than me this way. It’s funny how I thought meeting and being with Emily ruined me, but surely being with this broken doll will kill me, and I couldn’t stop even if I tried.

  “Oh, Liam. Oh,” she whimpers as I see her cheeks blush crimson.

  “You like that? Then I’m sure you’ll love this,” I say, fully submerged between her long stems, breathing in that sweet cunt. I bring my hands up to squeeze her beautiful breasts, pinching her firm nipples between my fingers. I take my time licking inside her while plotting how I plan to make her come for the first time.

  I decide that finger and tongue torture will have to do, for now. I let go of her breasts and bring my one hand down. I slowly insert my middle finger inside her opening, making my cock twitch. The moment my finger is fully immersed, time stops. Perfection. I commence the penetration with my finger slowly in and out, and I begin pounding her clit with my tongue. I bring my other hand to start massaging the area right above my tongue and I can bet my left nut she won’t last long.

  She doesn’t make any sounds, just a big, beautiful, inaudible O with her mouth. Her eyes start to close and I’ve already started the countdown in my head. I can make her detonate and send her flying if I pick up the speed. My fingers continue working her hard as I start sucking all the liquid dripping out of her…and she’s gone.

  “LLLiammm,” she belts out with her eyes half shut, and then repeating my name over and over. Her climax catapults her upper body off the bed. She tries to close her legs around my face, burying me in deeper. Her hands pull at my hair to try and make me halt the sucking and biting, but I know what’s good for her—my continuing effort to push her until she comes again, that’s what.