Transcending Nirvana (Dark Evoke #3)

by V. L. Brock

  The trucks keys were already fished out of his pocket and being proffered to me. “You want to drive back, darlin’?”

  I brushed him off, making my way to the passenger side, leaving him standing at the driver’s door. “Nope. You look sexier behind that wheel, and I can enjoy the view.”

  Chapter Thirteen

  Approaching the entranceway of The Pavilion, I detected a small movement coming from the bay window on the ground floor, like someone was peeking out of the ragged, torn drapes before quickly disguising themselves again. It had me on edge, that much was certain.

  My hand, which was already in the possession of Walker’s clutch, was squeezed lightly. “Alright, darlin’?” he queried.

  I stopped mid-stride, taking a purifying breath before sighing loudly. “I just…I…”

  “What is it, Kady? You can tell me?” taking a small step to me, he sounded as anxious as I felt.

  “I’m just feeling a little…paranoid. That guy who let…never mind, I don’t want to sully the day, so, let’s just go inside.”

  I made a move in the direction of the entrance, only to have Walker’s grip on me tighten a little more. He twisted me around to face him, his grip no longer present on my hand, but was holding the side of my face as he stared me in the eye with determination. “You don’t need to worry about that wanker in there, darlin’. I’ve already given him a bollocking; he knows to stay the fuck away, and what I’ll do to him if he opens that fucking door again.”

  That was news. I had no idea of when had he done that, but the knowledge did help quell the nervous butterflies in my gut. With his words and his unwavering stare, I felt the tension leave my body with a hefty exhale. “Thank you.”

  “I’d do anything to keep you safe, darlin’. You remember that. I don’t care what I have to do, but I’ll always make sure you’re alright.” Dipping his head, his lips were warm once they melded against my own in a kiss that screamed love and sincerity.

  As always, I never doubted the truth behind his words.

  When we got to the apartment, we instantly headed for the bedroom. It was something that I was beginning to get into the habit of. Walker’s bedroom had more life in it than the entire apartment. It showed his character, it look lived in. Although the floorboards were uncovered, and the walls displayed the same cracked and crumbling plaster that the living room displayed, the bedroom felt…warmer.

  With the music system, which was guaranteed always playing, set on top of the dresser at the foot of the bed, and the mirror fixed on the ceiling above the bed, it was run down, but appealing, because it displayed a part of Walker in every inch of the room.

  Dropping my lazing big cat soft toy in the center of the bed, I made my way to the music system, turned it on and pressed play on whatever CD was left inside.

  Walker prowled around the corner of the bed, his thumbs hooked through the belt loops of his jeans. He cleared his throat, “Well, that was the best birthday I have had in years.”

  My body instantly reacted when he towered over me with a delicious clench of my pelvic muscles, and my breath hitched. “Birthday?” I murmured, coy. And before I could stop myself, my hands were set on his wrists, my steady gaze following my movement whilst I slowly and sensuously slithered up his forearms feeling the warmth and firmness of his expanding muscle the further I traveled.

  My eyes closed, and I groaned in appreciation while goose bumps coated my body at just the mere feel of him under my hands. His torso was felt pressing against me before I had even opened my eyes. When I fluttered my lids open and rested my tongue at the center of my upper lip, I looked up at him directly, and I knew right then that I was falling deeper. It was hard and heavy, but equally exciting and refreshing.

  I couldn’t think of anything else. No fear, regrets, or apprehension of how a future for us would workout. No worries of the damage which we had both suffered and the relief which we came to rely upon. Just each other as man and woman.

  A friendship had turned into a deeper attachment, constancy. He was my strength, my rock, my unexpected hero that loved me even when I was with another, and in a weird way, those circumstances bonded us. A man who, even as a friend in my own eyes, offered me safekeeping and a world of happiness without fear of ramifications…

  And now he was my lover. It had taken us time to get there, but it felt like we had been together forever, and I couldn’t imagine ever losing him.

  “What are you thinking, darlin’?”

  My breathing was coming in heavy, needy pants, my eyes glazed with desire and a profound sense of love. Tears were warded off as I sniffled and licked my drying lips once again.

  Reaching up on my tiptoes, my hands met the neckline of his black T-shirt. I fisted it in my hands, pulling him down to me as I reared up farther, pressing my chest into his and breathing him in. “Don’t…don’t say a word, just…” my lips crashed against his before I could even finish my incoherent demand.

  Walker’s hands were both loving and urgent as he wrapped his bulging arms around my waist. The one set between my shoulder blades was holding me against him, the other cupping my ass cheek and slowly hauling me up his body. The floor disappearing from beneath my feet while his tongue slipped between my lips.

  Groaning and whimpers of need vibrated from our throats. The sounds of intense, heated, and shameless kisses barely contained those demonstrative sounds of undiluted lust.

  Walker was the first to pull away. His words were narrowly freed by the time I claimed him with my lips again. “Kady, what––”

  The solidity of the ground being reacquainted with my feet was unwelcomed. Soon after, his hands were absent from my body, if only for a moment, before my shoulders were grasped. Holding me back as though I was going to pounce, he hunkered down to search my eyes, gasping, “What’s going on in that head of yours, Kady?”

  The swift motion of my purple top rising over my body had my shoulders free of his hands. Head held high, I dropped it to the floor and remained still as he sucked in a deep breath and discreetly attempted to appraise me. “Love me,” the words were barely audible over his restrained growl. “I want you to love me.”

  “I do love you.”

  “Don’t tell me. Show me. Show me that you love me. Show me that I am yours. Show me everything that we fought not to give in to.” The crease carving itself into my forehead was the only thing stopping the tears that formed in my eyes from rolling down my cheeks. I rolled my lips over my teeth as though to prime them. “Show me that your body is as much mine as my body is to you.”

  I had secretly hoped that my well overdue speech would have sparked something––acknowledgment and understanding at least, but as I stood in his room in only my black denim pants and bra, his expression was one of utter bemusement. He shook his head lightly as though mentally reaching out to grasp a thread of understanding. “I don’t…” he trailed off when I took a step into his hunkered down body, causing him to straighten to full height.

  Without warning I reached to the hem of his T-shirt that was hiding his mesmerizing, chiseled body. He didn’t object, simply lifted his arms above his head to allow the fabric a swift removal. The warmth of his skin as I guided the material up his torso was met by the raise of goose bumps.

  I swallowed harshly at seeing his chest expand as he heaved a nervous breath, the material falling from my hand heavily, adding to the pile of discarded clothing. Although the band of his pants were resting on his hips, enticing me with the prominence of that well-defined V of his pelvis, my gaze wandered brazenly over the golden flesh marred with silver slashes.

  “Ka––”

  “Shush,” I fought so hard to release that one sound. I knew the level of his discomfort. A blind man could sense it. In that moment, all I wanted was to strip it all way for him. Give him the freedom to display his breathtaking body, not harboring the constant worry of hiding himself away. I wanted to feel him under my hands and erase the pain and the burden of years of secrets becaus
e of the judgment of people.

  When my fingertips grazed over the stripe along his ribs, he shuddered and inhaled loudly. By the time I moved to the ones on his torso he was barely reacting to my touch.

  It was when I lifted my inspecting gaze from my roaming hand and looked him in the eye that I sensed his dread. He knew where I was going to next. My heart was constricting at not only seeing the look of unadulterated disgust, pain and shame in his eyes, but sensing how great that perception of himself was.

  This six foot, tattooed, muscular Irishman was physically shaking, his muscles and jaw clenching to painful proportions. The mere fact that he remained standing in front of me was enough to stun me. He looked ready to cave and drop to his knees.

  Still, when I softly traced around the leather-like scalded, discolored flesh, his breathing was frantic, his eyes screwing tightly as though willing me away. This I was used to. This wasn’t the first time he allowed me to touch it, but I wanted him to show me, to prove to me that his body was mine also. I’d lived treading on eggshells for far too long. I wasn’t going to continue walking on them because of his inability to allow me in regardless of how painful.

  Eyes closed tightly, his face contorted while I held my breath. I silently inched closer to the area. My lips narrowly managed to make a featherlike contact against it, when his eyes sprang open as he gasped, pushing me away.

  “What the fuck was that?” he grated stepping back to add distance between us.

  “Walker, please––”

  He shook his head, “You shouldn’t want to do that––”

  “But I do!” I yelled, tenderness stripped from my voice. “This is what I mean. I want––no––I need to know that I can touch you and kiss you and that there’s no red tape being put up over parts of your body. You, of all people should understand me when I say that I don’t want to feel the need of walking on eggshells.”

  He turned his back to me and faced the window, his hands being fisted into his hair when I took gradual steps toward him, my voice softening. “I need to know that you love me enough to give yourself up to me, each and every part, Walker, just as I’ve done with you. Each scar…each hurt. I can make it better. Let me…” by the end of my sentence, his arms had dropped to his sides. I placed a chaste kiss on his shoulder blade, my hands fixed to his bulging arms. “Let me make it better.”

  “I’m a monster, Kady.”

  Those three words had a direct impact on my emotions, and the tears I had successfully managed to suppress were finally unfettered. Shaking my head with the force of his dejection, I gasped, “You’re no monster.”

  At my words, he tore his attention from the window and turned to face me, my body refusing to back away, regardless of him towering over me with his jaw tight, his head and shoulders back. “Look at me, Kady…”

  “I am.”

  The barrier of pain and loathing in his eyes was impenetrable, mirroring the timbre of his voice, “Look harder…is this the body of righteous man?!” he practically yelled, his voice breaking. “I don’t deserve someone as beautiful as you. Can’t you see it, Kady?” Before I could even intuit his move, my upper arms were seized by forceful hands. I started at the unexpected movement; my shoulders practically huddled to my ears as I lifted my gaze, tears falling incessantly, warming my cheeks. “Can’t you see what I see?” he spat.

  “What do you see?”

  Walker’s clutch on my arms softened and my shoulders began to relax. Brow furrowed, he sniffled and a lone tear dropped over his eye lid. “Beauty and the Beast.”

  “No, no, no, no, Walker.” Flailing my head, I wormed out of his hold and backed away with my finger pointing at him. “You are no such thing. You told me once that people like us were as strong as they come––”

  “And fuckin’ stupid…”

  I couldn’t stop my jaw from falling open at his reproach. “Wha––” I couldn’t find any words, so I just shook my head.

  Silence suffused for what felt like an eternity. The situation had gotten so heated––too heated, and that was something I didn’t expect. I thought this would help.

  “Darlin’, I didn’t mea––”

  For the first time ever, I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, so my attention remained on anything other than his body as I lifted my hand to cut him off. “No, I understand,” I muttered, somewhat dazed.

  What he was seeing couldn’t be further away from the reality if it tried, and I had to make him see and realize that. Only then would we ever get over that hurdle. We weren’t ‘Beauty and the fucking Beast’, we were equal. Determination gushed through my veins and cinched at my gut. I ripped my stunned gaze from oblivion and locked eye contact with him. “You call yourself a monster––a beast. I’m not going to convince you that you’re not because it’s not going to get me anywhere, when that’s what you believe. But I’ll tell you something Walker, cold hard fact,”––my fingers made their way to the fastener of my pants and his apologetic regard suddenly morphed into confusion as I undid my zipper and shimmied the material over my hips and down my legs––“if you’re a monster, then so am I.”

  “What are you doing, darlin’?”

  Gesturing to the bed with a tip of my head, I ordered him to sit as I stepped out of my shoes and kicked the denim from my legs.

  The bed squealed in protest under Walker’s weight when he perched himself on the edge of the side that I’d claimed. Under hooded, confused lids, he peeked up at me standing before him in just my underwear. It was when I lifted my left leg, propping my foot on the mattress beside him, he repeated himself, “What the fuck are you doing?”

  Prickly stubble around his mouth grazed my index finger as I pressed it against his lips to silence him. My arm felt like lead as I dropped my finger from his lips and set it against one of my own scars, his eyes following my finger. “My first…”

  With a raised brow, I watched him expectantly, coaxing him. Our eyes met and with a painstaking sigh, he pointed to one on his lower torso. “My first.”

  “I needed control,” I offered the explanation with my touch shifting to another blemish further down my inner thigh.

  My action was copied as he moved to another one of his self-inflicted wounds. “I was to blame.”

  We were a mirror image, each of us drawing attention to the mutilations strewn across our bodies in our time of need, of desperation. I continued with my explanation, “When I realized it was no longer an aid, but a necessity.”

  “I wanted to save her…”

  “I was lost…”

  “I lost you,” his finger drifted over the slash on his ribcage.

  My left arm outstretched, I hovered over the slashes that were done the day I was lead to question my sanity. “I should have called you.”

  Deepening creases in Walker’s brow, the profound intake of air he sucked in and the shimmering of his eyes told me which one he was going to next. “When the first woman I ever loved, left me without saying goodbye.”

  My left foot met the cold, hard floorboards. Towering over him, I draped my arm over his shoulder and lightly trailed my fingertips up the length of his back, the evidence of the lashes I had given him, present in the form of tender, raised welts. “My strength…my last…” The side of his face was cradled in my free hand, he leaned into my touch. “You can say what you want, but this is us. We’re equal, Walker. This woman standing right in front of you, after everything that we’ve been through, isn’t going to leave you. I’m not the first woman, or maybe not even the second woman you’ve loved, but I am a part of your life now. I want to own this––”

  When I peeked down at his scarred flesh protecting his heart, he muttered, “You do.”

  “Then stop freaking out and pushing me away when I try to touch what’s mine.”

  I was answered by a simple closing of eyes and a small nod.

  “I’m going to touch what’s mine, now. Okay.”

  He nodded as my hand left his back and for the fir
st time, the intake of breath wasn’t as pained as what it had been. It was…accepting. As my hand trailed over the pink and white flesh, he was calm. And finally, when my lips replaced my hand, his arms wrapped around me. “Kady,” he breathed.

  Pulling back, I tucked my hair behind my ear and waited for him to continue.

  “Let me love you.”

  I was smiling as we sunk into the bed, and into each other’s arms. Naked, exposed and accepting of each other’s physical flaws, which displayed our inner strength.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Dusk was already greeting us when I opened my eyes. The continuous soft music emitted by the CD player created a background noise while I peeked around with hazy vision, finding my bearings. I couldn’t tell who was wrapped around whom. Legs twining together; his muscular thigh was pressed between my legs, while my right hand was held in his, pressing against his heart.

  That was exactly how we made love, with his body shielding me, his weight braced through his right forearm at the side of my head, while his left hand clutched mine over his chest…his constant reminder of so much grief and pain. With each skillful stroke he made as he pulled back and sunk back into my body, I could feel his heartbeat increasing. As his excitement raised so did the thumping beneath my palm.

  “You own me, Kady. You always have,” he whispered time and time again into the curve of my ear. My toes curled when he slid his tongue up my throat, nipping at my chin before our eyes locked and his intense gaze told me everything. He did love me. And I loved him, and for the very first time ever, we were showing each other’s bodies how consuming the feelings and emotions were––how deeply they ran.

  A chiming noise sounded faintly at my side. Striving not to wake him, I slipped out of his hold and retrieved my cellphone. When I saw Laurie’s name flashing across the screen, I, as stealthily as I could manage, took my naked ass out of the bedroom, pulling the door ajar and treading down the hallway before accepting the call.

  “Thank God you finally answer. I’ve been calling every thirty minutes for an hour and a half,” she spewed down the speaker.