by Leigh Bale
Hmm. What was the FMO doing here? And where were Brian and Rolland?
“Good morning, and welcome back.” Jared waved the group into silence while Sean stood leaning against the wall.
To begin, Jared gave a short, motivational speech about working as a team and watching each other’s backs. He then introduced the two newest members of the crew.
Dean and Ace grinned as they stood and bowed gallantly, undoubtedly showing off to hide their insecurities. Knowing they had a lot to learn, Tessa cheered with the rest of the men. Jared waited for the noise to settle down.
“One last item of business before you start your training. I’m sorry to say that Brian has resigned. He got married in January and moved to Portland last week to be with his new bride.”
Pete nudged Harlie with his elbow and smirked as he whispered loudly. “See? I told you so.”
A snicker filtered through the men. Tessa would never understand why they found humor in the simplest of things but realized it was merely a pressure valve for the serious work ahead.
“Additionally, you may have heard about Rolland Simpson’s wife and eldest daughter being killed in a car crash last week.”
A round of gasps and sympathetic sounds came from the group.
“Is Rollo all right?” Harlie asked.
“Yeah, but he’s real torn up about it. His youngest daughter survived the crash. Rollo wasn’t with his family at the time, but he may not be able to return until the end of the summer fire season. It’ll take him some time to get things sorted out. We’ll hold his position open for the time being,” Jared said.
That meant the leadership of their crew had all but been wiped out. So, who was going to lead the team?
“Sean has been selected as your new superintendent,” Jared continued. “I know you’ll agree he’s highly qualified to be your crew leader and you’ll give him the respect due to his position. Since Rollo will be gone for the time being, I’m counting on all of you to help Sean with that extra work.”
Tessa’s mouth dropped open. She hadn’t expected this. No, not at all. Her ears felt clogged, like she was submerged under water. Not in a million years had she thought Sean would be her boss. The leader of the entire hotshot crew.
Hearing the news, Pete sucked in a startled breath. Harlie and Tank’s expressions remained stoic. And Tessa knew why. Most of them had been there that fateful day when Zach had died. They weren’t sure that Sean was up to this new task. At least, not so soon.
Why hadn’t Sean told her about his promotion? Yesterday, in her apartment, he’d had plenty of opportunity. A year ago she would have felt proud and delighted by the news. But right now she couldn’t help wondering if he could be trusted to look after the crew’s well-being.
The men broke into mild applause, but she could see the doubt in some of their eyes.
Tessa forced herself to clap her hands. She did so with misgivings. After all, Sean had been a squad leader when Zach was killed. But what if he’d been too inattentive, or took an unnecessary risk? It could have been a simple error. One little bad decision that had gotten Zach killed. A tiny bit of information that had been excluded from the incident report. It was one thing to see Sean every day. To work around him and interact. But taking orders from him as he steered the crew through numerous dangerous situations was another matter entirely.
It appeared that she had no choice. Not if she wanted her job.
“Okay, I think that’s it. Stay safe out there, take care of each other and fight fire.” With a satisfied nod, Jared made his exit to return to the forest supervisor’s office.
Tessa didn’t say a word as Harlie slid a disc into the overhead projector and Pete switched off the lights so they could watch a training film on how to deploy their new fire shelters. She tried to focus, but her gaze kept wandering over to Sean. Dressed like the rest of the team in a navy blue T-shirt, spruce-green pants and a pair of White’s vibram-soled fire boots, he sat on a corner of the desk at the front of the room. He folded his muscular arms, his jaw locked as he stared at the overhead screen.
He turned his head and pinned Tessa with a gaze so intense that she actually squirmed. She looked away quickly, trying to forget what this man had once meant to her. Trying to push aside her doubts over his possible role in Zach’s death.
A short time later the crew went outside to exercise. They started with calisthenics and graduated to a three-mile hike up a sharp incline with their forty-five-pound packs on their backs. Tessa stifled a groan and focused on the space right in front of her feet. Good thing she’d kept herself in top physical condition during the winter months or she wouldn’t have been able to keep up. She did everything she was asked to do, trying to numb her mind to the arduous months ahead. And when the workday was through, she felt exhausted and as confused as ever.
She was the last of her crew to leave for the day. Darkness covered the earth as she headed outside to her truck. The comforting chirp of crickets came from the cluster of boxwoods edging the length of the garage. She glanced at the gleaming lights of the office. At the last moment she veered off course and headed that way. She didn’t know what was driving her, but she had to speak with Sean alone, before she could chicken out. She wanted to find out what he thought about his new assignment. And maybe she might even get him to finally open up and confide in her.
* * *
Sean sat at his new desk, his head bowed over a stack of reports and unopened mail. He knew this job well, but with Brian’s sudden departure, there was a lot to catch up on.
As he reached for the letter opener, a subtle noise drew his attention. He looked up, a rush of surprise washing over him. Tessa stood leaning against the doorjamb, contemplating him with a slight frown.
“Busy at work, I see,” she said.
Was it his imagination, or did her voice sound a bit disapproving? He didn’t want any conflict with her right now. Not when he was working so hard to regain the crew’s trust. He’d seen the way the men had looked at him after the FMO announced his promotion. The doubt and hesitancy in their eyes. He’d been a member of this crew for years. If this was his last season fighting fire, he was determined to prove himself worthy of the team.
“Do you need something?” He spoke in a brusque tone.
She folded her arms. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Tell you what?”
“About your new promotion.”
He sat back, his chair squeaking. “I only found out myself last night, after I left you.”
Which was true. He’d known Brian had eloped and was crazy in love. That his new wife lived in Portland and refused to leave. Which meant Brian had to drive six hundred miles one way every weekend to be with her. It was an impossible endeavor once the hotshot crew got busy with the fire season. Sean had known it was just a matter of time before Brian left the squad and someone else was named superintendent. Until last night, he’d expected that to be Rollo. But making arrangements to bury his wife and eldest daughter and help his younger daughter cope with the loss would take some time, so the captain was out of commission for a while. As one of the crew’s two squad leaders, Sean had gotten the job. It had just been one of those things where he was at the right place at the right time for a promotion. But he hadn’t known for sure until he’d received the call from Jared.
Tessa tilted her head and peered at him as though seeking the truth in his eyes. “Did you suspect this was going to happen?”
He tightened his jaw. “I don’t know much of anything until they tell me. You know how it works.”
“How do you feel about this new assignment?” she asked.
“I feel fine. Why do you ask?” And yet he didn’t feel fine. There had been a time when he would have loved such a promotion. But now he worried that he wasn’t up to the task. He didn’t think he could cope if he lost anot
her man, or woman, under his watch.
She dropped her arms to her sides and came to stand in front of his scarred wooden desk. Sean’s gaze followed her graceful movements. An old, lingering emotion of attraction filtered through his veins. Why did it have to be this woman who made his heart sing?
“A lot happened last summer,” she said.
“And what’s that got to do with my promotion?”
She lifted a hand, her face creased with exasperation. “Nothing, I guess.”
She obviously didn’t trust him. Didn’t think he was up to his new assignment. And that bothered him intensely. Because he wanted her to believe in him, even if he no longer believed in himself.
He forced himself to sit very still and not react. But inside, he felt grouchy. He wasn’t sleeping well. Always on edge. Crowded rooms made him anxious. His heart raced and his palms got clammy for no apparent reason. The lingering symptoms of PTSD. He still hadn’t been able to claw his way out, but he didn’t want to tell Tessa that. It was difficult to pretend their breakup wasn’t hinged on Zach’s death, but Sean knew that was the real cause. He just didn’t know how to get past it and make it right.
If only he hadn’t taken Zach to work in that chimney area with highly flammable fuels. He’d been Zach’s squad leader. He’d talked it over with Zach and they both thought they could get a jump on the fire. The tactic would have succeeded, too, except that squirrely winds had whipped around so fast, they didn’t know what was happening until it was too late. The winds brought a buttonhook fire racing uphill toward them. With little time to react, Sean had quickly radioed the rest of the crew to warn them to evacuate. They’d all made it to the safety zone, but Sean and Zach couldn’t get there in time. Instead, Sean had tried to take Zach to a previously burned area nearby. It wouldn’t be ideal, but they could deploy their fire shelters and ride out the burnover.
Zach wouldn’t go. He’d panicked and run the other way. And when Sean had chased after him, Zach had swung his fists so hard that it had knocked Sean down. He’d been dazed as he staggered to his feet. And by the time he’d shaken it off, Zach was gone. Sean thought about going after him, but he knew there wasn’t time. Later, Sean was absolved of any wrongdoing, but he still blamed himself. Because he’d been Zach’s squad leader. Because he’d chosen life instead of trying to find Zach.
“We’re not together now. We don’t owe each other any explanations,” Sean said.
Tessa lifted her chin, her golden-brown ponytail bouncing against her shoulders. “You mean you don’t owe me any explanations. Is that it?”
He never could fool Tessa. She recognized his reservations for what they were. A wall. A shield. To keep her and everyone else out. But he couldn’t talk about Zach’s death right now. He just couldn’t.
She leaned forward and rested her hands on top of his cluttered desk. “You almost died in that fire with Zach, yet you act as though it never happened. My brother’s death hurt all of us, Sean. It might help if you talk about it.”
“With you?” he asked.
“Sure, why not? We were close friends once.”
He looked away. They’d been more than friends. She’d meant everything to him. “I know, but the reports have been filed. There’s nothing left to say.”
“Sure there is. I’ve tried to give you time. To let you work through this on your own. But it’s obvious you’re in the same place you were in when I left town last September. Nothing’s changed. Nothing’s gotten better. I know you’re hurting, Sean. But I know there’s something you’re not telling me.”
He stared back at her, forcing himself not to blink. He couldn’t tell her about his guilt and PTSD. He had to be strong and overcome it on his own. After all, he was in charge of this hotshot crew now.
“Say something,” she insisted.
He grit his teeth. “I have nothing else to say.”
He spoke the words low. He heard the doubt in her voice. An edge of suspicion and resentment. His mind told him he’d done everything right that fateful day, but he couldn’t believe it. He kept replaying different scenarios over in his mind. If only he’d done this, or that, or something else, then Zach would still be here.
“You used to tell me there was nothing we couldn’t do as long as we worked on it together,” she said.
A caustic laugh slipped from his throat. “Not this time, Tessa. I’m afraid I was wrong.”
She flinched. “If you’ve given up, then I suppose you’re right. We’re finished.”
A fist of emotion lodged in his chest. He caught a glimpse of pain in her eyes and shook his head.
“What about a medical professional?” she suggested. “There are people trained to help with situations like this. A doctor can help you cope.”
That did it. He scooted back his chair and stood, his movements stiff. Reaching for his jacket, he walked to the door and thrust it open. “Look, Tess. I’ve already visited with a psychiatrist and been cleared for duty. I appreciate this intervention thing you’re trying to do here, but I don’t need it anymore. I’m fine. Really.”
Her lips tightened, her eyes shimmering. Oh, no. Please not that. He could stand anything but her tears.
“I’m just trying to understand. I miss Zach,” she whispered.
Ah, that hurt. So much.
“I know you do.” He spoke softly, wishing he could do something to make it all better. Wishing he could take away her pain.
“The worst part is that I lost both of you that day. Not just Zach. I lost you, too,” she said.
What could he say to that? Nothing.
“I wish things could be different. I wish I could bring him back,” he said.
“That’s not what I need you to do, Sean. Zach’s with God now. But I want to understand what happened and why you have shut me out.”
He released a slow breath, trying to ignore the memories of that horrible day as they flashed across his brain. “You’ve read the incident report. You already know everything.”
“Reading that sterile report isn’t the same as talking with you, and you know it. I’d rather read your personal notes instead.”
“Those are confidential. They’re just my ramblings anyway. Nothing you could decipher. The only reason I wrote them down was because my psychiatrist required it.” He shrugged, feeling uncomfortable with her questions. He wasn’t the type of man to go and visit with a shrink. He’d done it only because he had to.
“I’m Zach’s sister. Don’t you think I have a right to know the details?” she asked.
“There’s nothing left to tell. Unless you want to talk about work, we have nothing to discuss.”
She backed up, her face ashen. He’d stung her again, when all he wanted to do was pull her into his arms and keep her safe.
“Fine. If that’s the way you want it,” she said.
“It is.” He tightened his hands, forcing himself not to relent. Not to tell her how he really felt. That it should have been him that died on that mountain, not Zach.
“All right, then. Congratulations on your promotion, Sean. I hope you’re happy with your new assignment.” She swept past him to the dark parking lot. The tall mercury vapor lights bathed her in an eerie blue glow.
He longed to call her back. To confide in her like he used to. To speak the words he’d kept locked away since that dreadful day. But he couldn’t. Not about this. Not without winning her condemnation. Just like the day when he’d broken off their engagement, he let her walk away from him without saying one word to stop her.
When she was inside Zach’s truck, he took a deep, settling breath. He watched as she backed out and drove through the front gate, the gravel crackling beneath her tires.
Maybe this fire season wouldn’t be as easy as he thought. He had his share of misgivings about accepting this new promotion. He was def
initely qualified to lead the team, yet he feared letting them down. What if he couldn’t do the job? What if he failed? The thought of losing another man under his command made him sweat, but the thought of losing Tessa absolutely terrorized him. In the past he would have told her his deepest fears. But he couldn’t tell her all of this. How could he expect her to understand what he was going through when he didn’t understand it himself?
Heaving a labored sigh, he flipped off the lights and secured the front door. With Brian and Rollo gone, they were down two men. Now the FMO had made him the team’s superintendent. A position he had once aspired to. With a college degree in fire science, he had worked hard with the hopes of one day being given his own hotshot crew to manage. Now that he’d finally reached that goal, he felt deflated. Because it no longer meant anything. Not when he couldn’t share the joy with Tessa.
She was angry and hurting, but at least she was safe. She would recover. Eventually. She’d move on with her life and meet some good man who could make her happy. Someone who wasn’t responsible for her brother’s death. And knowing that she’d share her life with another man hurt Sean most of all. But he had to let her go. Her happiness was more important to him than anything else.
He stood in the empty parking lot, staring at Tessa’s taillights as she turned onto the main road. Finally, he drove home. He parked his truck and gazed at his dark house. The black, vacant windows seemed to stare back at him, taunting him with empty disdain. He had to accept that his time of loving Tessa was done and over with. Because he could never have it back.