The Confession

by Jeanette Muscella

  Lydia lay on the cold tile floor sobbing. Her body shook uncontrollably. Adam knelt in front of her and gathered her into his arms. “It’s ok honey. We will get through this. Nothing changes how much I love you. I am sorry this happened to you. I don’t know why they kept the letter a secret.”

  “They knew for nineteen years that John raped someone, and never said anything. Now that I am aware he touched my body, I feel dirty. How can you look at me knowing he raped me? I cannot tell you how many times I have had that nightmare. I had another one last night. What are we going to do now?”

  Adam knew what he was going to do. He was going to confront his brother. He prayed for strength because he wanted to beat the shit out of him. “We are going to take care of our children. Gail is my daughter. She will never know the circumstances surrounding her birth.”

  Lydia clung to Adam. “I love you, Adam. Please hold me. I need your warmth. I feel cold.”

  Adam lay down next to her and held her until she stopped shaking.

  Colin and Margaret returned to the waiting room. His once happy family would never be the same.

  Colin sent a text to Adam. Is Lydia ok?

  Adam responded quickly. No, she’s not ok.

  I’m sorry Adam.

  No, you’re not sorry. Please, leave us alone. Where is Bobby?

  He is sitting next to your mother.

  Send him up to my office. Go home. I don’t want you near us.

  Are you certain this is what you want?

  Yes.

  Colin turned to face Bobby. “Hey buddy, your mom’s a little sick, and your dad wants you to go up to his office.”

  “Is she ok?”

  “She will be once your dad takes her home. Go on up now. Gran and I are going home for a few hours. We are tired.”

  Bobby ran up to his father’s office and found his parents still lying on the cold tile floor. Bobby ran into the bathroom and knelt before them. Lydia was still crying. Seeing the look of horror on his son’s face, Adam said, “Mom is a little sick and upset about Gail. Help me get her off the floor. I want to take her home.”

  Adam carried her back into his office and sat down with Lydia still in his arms. He opened his desk drawer and pulled out a small medical bag. “Bobby, get your mother a glass of water.” Adam placed a small white tablet in her hand. Whispering to her, he said, “This will help calm you, honey. When we get home, we’ll talk.”

  “Don’t say anything to Bobby. I don’t want him to know John raped me.”

  Bobby heard his mother speaking. Uncle John raped my mom!

  Adam looked up to see his son standing in the doorway. His eyes were begging his son to remain silent. Understanding passed between them and closing his eyes in silent prayer, Bobby handed the glass of water to his mother. Several tense minutes passed as the medication began to work. Adam carried his wife to the parking garage and gently placed her in the back seat of the car. Adam found a beach towel in the trunk and wrapped it around his wife. Lydia sat motionless as the tears continued to flow. Looking for his son’s assistance, he handed him the keys. “Take your time and pay attention to the road. I will take care of your mother.”

  Lydia fell asleep during the ride home, and Adam gently carried her up to their bedroom. Bobby was standing in the hallway when Adam exited their room. He whispered, “Will she be ok? What happened at the hospital? I heard what she said about Uncle John. Is it true? When did it happen?”

  “Bobby, I don’t know how to say this. My brother took advantage of her when she was unable to defend herself. He gave her a drug and, how can I say this, he…he…used her sexually. What he did was reprehensible. I am speaking to you as a man Bobby, not as my son. What you have heard today must remain between the two of us. If your mother found out you knew what happened to her, it would devastate her. I want your promise you will not discuss this with anyone, not Aunt Mary, your sister, no one. I want this to remain a secret until I have figured out how to deal with the fallout. Do I have your word, Bobby?”

  Bobby felt like his entire world tilted on its axis. He had to protect his mother. “I promise. I will not say a word to anyone. Why would he do this to Mom? She never hurt anyone. How could he hurt her? How did you discover the truth?”

  Adam had to protect his daughter. “I cannot go into the details. I will tell you that John confessed to what he did to my parents nineteen years ago. He never mentioned the girls name in the letter. They chose to keep it a secret. I swear I am so angry I want to hit something. My first concern is your mother. I will deal with the rest of my family at a later time.”

  Shocked by what he had just heard, Bobby fell into his father and let the tears flow. “How could they keep this a secret? I hate them!”

  “I know how you feel. Go downstairs and watch TV. I’ll stay with mommy.” Hesitantly, Bobby walked away from his father.

  Adam went back into his bedroom, sat in the chair facing their bed, and watched his wife sleep. When he was confident that she would sleep through the night, he quietly left the room. Bobby was still watching television when Adam walked into the family room.

  He turned off the television when he heard his father come into the room. “How’s Mom? Is she still sleeping?”

  Adam sat next to his son and rubbed his aching neck. “The sedative I gave her will have her sleeping for at least eight hours. How are you, Bobby?”

  “I don’t know how to answer that question. I’m furious something like this happened to Mom. I don’t understand why gram and gramps would keep this a secret. Uncle John committed a crime, and even if they didn’t know the girl’s name, they should have told the family about the letter. Were they trying to protect him?”

  “Who the fuck knows what was in their head, Bobby. They had a moral obligation to tell us the truth. John spent a lot of time with your mother. They were friends.”

  “Can he still be charged with a crime?”

  “I don’t know. At this point in time, I believe the statute of limitation has expired.”

  “What are we going to do?”

  “We are going to take care of your mother. I will deal with my family later. I want you to check on your mom. I need to go back to the hospital in a few hours to see Gail.”

  The doorbell rang. Adam opened the door to find his mother standing before him. “What do you want Mother? Haven’t you caused enough trouble today?”

  “I came to give you John’s letter.”

  Adam took the letter from her and proceeded to close the door. Margaret stopped him. “I am sorry Adam. We made the only decision we could at the time. We never imagined this would happen. I don’t know what else to say.”

  “You have a lot to say, Mother. Think about the nineteen years of silence, and when you can explain your actions to my satisfaction, I may consider talking to you. A crime was committed and the two of you remained silent. Until then, please stay away from my family. Lydia is nearly catatonic. How do I explain this to my daughter?”

  Later that night, Adam read the letter. Seeing the words written by his brother made his blood boil. Unable to sleep, Adam returned to the hospital at four in the morning to check on his daughter. As he sat next to Gail’s bed, the events of the previous day caught up with him. Tears burned his eyes as he watched Gail sleep. He had to find a way to make his brother pay for this sin, this crime. Knowing the statute of limitation has long since expired on filing criminal charges, he needed to come up with another plan to extract his revenge.

  Chapter 6

  When Adam left the hospital, he stopped by the church. He sat in the front pew and stared at the altar. His mind raced, and he found it hard to concentrate on anything. His heart, as well as his faith in God, was shattered into a million pieces. Looking over to the confessional, he noticed that the light was on above the door. Gathering his courage, he walked over to the confessional and pushed back the curtain. Unaware that his brother was sitting on the other side of the wall, Adam started speaking.

  “I n
eed help Father. Something terrible has happened to my wife, and I cannot handle the anger that rages inside me.”

  I recognize my brother’s voice. What did he just say about Lydia? “Whatever is troubling you, please share it with me. With the help of Our Lord Jesus Christ, we will find the path to enlightenment and peace.”

  Adam bared it all in the hopes of finding some peace. “My wife discovered yesterday that she had been drugged and raped a few months after we were married. She had no memory of this due to the drug given to her. My brother raped my wife.”

  My mind goes blank as I take in Adam’s words. How did they discover the truth? Dear Lord, help me, please. I cannot speak. My body trembles uncontrollably. I feel like I am suffocating. I lean forward and rest my arms on my legs. A sob erupts from the depths of my troubled soul.

  Adam hears me crying on the other side of the screen and becomes concerned. “Father, are you ok? Why are you crying?”

  I need to run. I need to escape this confessional. I feel like I am in prison. The walls are closing in on me. I push back the curtain and run from the church. I make it outside, collapse on the steps, and try in vain to catch my breath.

  Adam heard his footsteps and pushed back the curtain. Looking around at the empty church, he walked outside and saw his brother sitting on the steps. Father Brady’s body shook violently, his fingers wrapped around the rosary. Adam stood behind his brother and watched him fall apart.

  Someone walking by the church walked up the steps and sat down next to John. “Father, what’s wrong. Are you ill?”

  “Go find Father O’Connell, please.”

  Adam quietly walked back into the church and left by the sacristy door.

  Father O’Connell ran to the church and found John lying on the concrete step. “Father Brady, why are you lying on the concrete steps? Are you ill?”

  “Yes Father, I am very sick. Please, help me to the rectory.” I follow Father O’Connell as we walk to the rectory. My legs feel like rubber, and several times, I almost fall to the ground. I am grateful for his assistance, however; the ghosts from the past have once again found me. How will I survive this turmoil?

  Adam had waited a respectable amount of time before he walked to the rectory. He fingered a copy of the letter that he had in his pocket. Regardless of the outcome, Adam would have his fifteen minutes. Father Mallard directed Adam to a small sitting room. There were three other priests in the room. Father Brady sat quietly, rosary beads in hand, head bowed in silent prayer.

  I can feel Adam’s presence in this small room. His anger radiates from him and it frightens me. When I look up to face my brother, the look on his face shocks me. He walks over to me and grabs my arm, his nails digging into my skin.

  “Come with me, Father,” Adam says with dripping sarcasm. “We need to speak privately.”

  I acknowledge his request and ask him to follow me into my office. When Adam closes the door, his fist connects with my jaw. Taken aback by the sudden punch, I stumble backward, fall on a table, and hit the floor. The pain in my face and back is intense. I rub my face to relieve the pain in my jaw. I say the first thing that comes to me. “Does punching me make you feel better? Did you know that I was in the confessional when you entered it?” The day I dread most has finally arrived.

  Several priests hear the disturbance and run into my office. Father Mallard grabbed Adam’s arm. “This is a house of prayer. Violence in any form is unacceptable. Why did you hit your brother?”

  “Please, Father Mallard; remove your hand from my arm. What I have to discuss with John is a personal issue between my brother and myself.”

  “What transpires in this rectory is my business, Adam. I want to know why you hit Father Brady.”

  I am still sitting on the floor, too stunned to move. Blood from where his ring cut me runs down my face. The pain in my back intensifies. Adam looks down at me with contempt in his eyes, the contempt that I so rightly deserve.

  “To answer your question, John, it is going to take more than one punch to make me feel better. No, I did not know you were hearing confessions today, but I am glad you heard me. I have much more to say to you, you sick fucking bastard!”

  Shocked by the language, Father Mallard said, “Please watch your tongue. We are in the house of Our Lord Jesus Christ.”

  “And that’s supposed to mean something to me? Do you want to know why I am upset Father Mallard?” Adam retrieved the letter from his pocket and handed it to him. “Read this letter and then ask me why I am angry.”

  I watch Father Mallard as he leans against the wall and reads my letter. Several times, he looks at me, and I can see horror and disgust clearly written on his face. His hands shake as he continues reading. I finally get up off the floor and walk over to a small shrine in the corner of my office. I kneel before the cross with rosary beads in hand and say a silent prayer for strength. The conversation I am about to have with Adam will be difficult. Once I have calmed my nerves, I walk over to Adam and sit next to him. I finger my rosary beads, willing them to give me strength.

  Adam spoke first. “Lydia is remembering what you did to her. You incapacitated my wife with a date rape drug, and forced yourself on her, against her will. If you were not a priest, I would beat the shit out of you. Why John, why did you do it? Why did you force yourself on my wife?”

  “I have asked myself that question many times over the years, and it pains me having to tell you the truth. I do remember that I was drinking heavily, and I used cocaine that night, and,” I take a deep cleansing breath, “I’ve regretted my actions for the past nineteen years. I entered the priesthood because I knew of no other way to atone for my sin. I committed the vilest of crimes against my brother’s wife. I had to remove myself from everyone because I was in love with Lydia. I loved her for a long time, but she only had feelings for you. I resented you for taking away my chance at happiness. When she agreed to marry you, it destroyed me.”

  Stunned by his honesty, Adam searched for the right words. “Lydia told you repeatedly that she loved you as a friend. We both thought you had accepted this and moved on to someone else.”

  “She loved you and it made me angry. I tried so hard to keep my feelings to myself. That night has haunted my dreams for many years. I had to remove myself from the memories.”

  “I want you to stay away from Gail. If you hurt her, I will hurt you. I don’t care if you are a priest.”

  “What are you implying, Adam? This does not concern Gail.”

  “Gail is your daughter. Her pre-surgery blood work confirmed that I am not her biological father. The blood you so readily donated was typed and matched before Gail’s surgery. David found similar protein patterns in your blood that matched Gail’s blood. He ran a DNA test as a precaution. You are Gail’s father.”

  For as long as I live, I will never forget this day. I will never forget the look of anguish on my brother’s tear stained face. How is it possible that I am Gail’s father? “Oh Adam, I didn’t know. How could I have known? What do we do now?”

  “I don’t know what to do. How do I tell my daughter that I am not her father? I want to know what would drive you to betray me in this way. What have I ever done to you that would justify you fucking my wife?”

  I cringe at Adam’s harsh words. Father Mallard has a similar reaction. “Please Adam, watch your language.”

  Adam snapped. “Please, spare me the righteous indignation. You are guilty of rape, and I want to know why.”

  I sit quietly for several minutes, rubbing the rosary beads between my fingers. Father Mallard stood silently in the background, and when I glance over at him, the expression on his face makes me nervous. I can feel sweat running down my neck and back. In an unusually calm voice, as if I were detaching myself from the memory, I tell Adam the painful truth.

  “I was always jealous of you. There was not a time growing up that I did not resent you. After you and Mary had been born, I became invisible. It took a long time for Dad to include me in
your lives. By that time, the resentment built to the point where everything you did irritate me.”

  “I met Lydia at a rock concert, and we dated for several months. She told me several times that she did not want to have sex until after she was married. My body craved her in a way that excited and frightened me. When she told me she did not love me and wanted to end the relationship, I let her go, but never stopped loving her. It killed me when she showed up at our family Christmas dinner with you. I confronted her in the kitchen and demanded to know why she was dating my brother.”

  “Imagine my shock when she proudly told me that you were the better man and apologized for not telling me directly. She did not like my drinking and caught me using cocaine. She thought showing up for Christmas dinner with you would defuse the situation. She looked happy, and I felt like an ass because I still loved her.”

  Adam gritted his teeth. “What happened that night?”

  “Lydia was upset that you missed your birthday party. She made a point of cooking a special dinner and invited Mom and Dad. She called me complaining about everything, and I drove over to your apartment to keep her company.”

  “When everyone left, I stayed and helped Lydia finish the bottle of wine. We made popcorn and watched a movie. Once the wine bottle was empty, I moved on to beer and snorted cocaine. I was drunk and high on cocaine by the end of the night, and I was…aroused. I still wanted Lydia and thought I could…persuade her to have sex with me. I dropped something into her wine and waited for her to…to…submit to me.”

  “I became angry when I touched her and she thought it was you. She had no idea I was touching her. I was drunk and high, and I just…snapped. I cannot remember how many times we…had sex. At some point during the night, Lydia passed out on the bed. I fell asleep next to her and woke early the next morning. I made sure I left no evidence in the room.”

  “My friend told me this particular drug wiped out the memory. I prayed Lydia would not remember. I went home and passed out. I awoke with a hangover and a guilty conscience. I called her a few days later, and as far as I could tell, she had no memory of that night. I had a few days to think about what happened, and I regretted my actions. I went to confession, and you know the rest of the story. I felt it was best to leave and never return.”