The Confession

by Jeanette Muscella

  Chapter 7

  Adam is not looking at me. He’s been staring out the window for several minutes. Why won’t he say anything? I rise from my seat and say, “I think we’ve said enough for today. Our focus must be on Gail’s recovery.” Father Mallard is still hovering and he escorts me from my office.

  Adam sat in John’s office for several minutes as his mind raced, and his heart thumped in his chest. A wave of sadness overtook him. Picking up his phone, he called David. “I’m sorry Adam. I hope you know that I would never intentionally hurt you. I know how much you love Gail.”

  “Yes, I do. I am sorry too, but it changes nothing as far as I am concerned. Gail is my daughter. I don’t know what will happen with Lydia. We have a lot to discuss, and now is not the time to cause her further trauma. How is Gail? Is she still in recovery?”

  “Her vitals look good. I want to keep her in intensive care for another day. I want her stabilized before I move her to a room. Her leg is badly broken, and I had to remove her spleen. She has two hairline fractures to her ribcage, and a mild concussion. Brain activity is normal, and I see no indication of fluid or bruising. The leg is what concerns me. I had to use two rods to set the tibia and femur. There were three hairline fractures to her ankle. Gail’s recovery will be slow, and therapy will be painful. Did the police apprehend the bastard that ran her over?”

  “I have no idea. I was so focused on Gail that I never thought to ask my father.”

  “Go home to your wife and get some sleep. You sound exhausted.”

  “I am tired. I have not slept since early Sunday morning.”

  Adam needed his twin sister Mary. The two of them always had a unique connection. In their youth, Adams friends called their connection spooky voodoo because the two of them had a way of silently communicating with each other. Reaching for his phone, he sent Mary a text. Where are you?

  Mary immediately responded. I am sitting in your kitchen eating lunch with Bobby. Where are you?

  I am in the rectory, in John’s office.

  Come home, and I will make something for you to eat and we’ll have a nice long talk.

  When Adam pulled up into the driveway, he sat in his car and cried. Mary heard his car and watched him through the window. Adam never cried. She always joked that he had nerves of steel, and so the sight of her precious brother crying like a baby destroyed her. Mary walked outside, opened the passenger door, and reached for her brother.

  Adam fell into her arms. “I’m scared Mary. I don’t know what to do.”

  “I know Adam. I went over to see Mom and Dad earlier today, and they are devastated. Mom could not stop crying, and Dad was yelling at her. I have never seen them argue. Dad was yelling that it was John’s fault. Mom yelled back saying that they should have told you the truth. Dad threw his coffee mug against the wall and left the house.”

  “Are we the only sane people in this goddamn family? I don’t understand what is happening to us, Mary. How do you do that to someone you love?” Adam wiped the tears with the tail of his shirt and reached for the door handle. “I have to check on Lydia. Is she still sleeping?”

  “Yes. Whatever you gave her knocked her out. Bobby told me he sat in front of her bedroom door right after you went to the hospital. I found him asleep on the floor when I arrived this afternoon. Does he know what happened to his mother?”

  “He heard Lydia talking in my office, but he doesn’t know about Gail. We had a man-to-man talk, and he promised to keep this to himself. He does not want to upset his mother or his sister. I need to see my wife.”

  Adam walked quietly into their bedroom and pulled back the curtain. Dim sunlight filled the room. Lydia looked like a child curled up on her side, hugging a pillow. He walked into the bathroom and took a quick shower. His confrontation with his brother left him feeling dirty, both on the inside and outside. He could wash off the dirt and grime from his body. How he felt inside would take a long time to disappear. Walking back into his bedroom with a towel wrapped around his body, Adam sat gently on the edge of the bed and brushed a few strands of hair from her beautiful face.

  Lydia felt his touch and opened her eyes. The sight of her husband’s beautiful face brought a small smile to her face. Adam leaned down and kissed her forehead. “How do you feel today honey? Did you sleep well?”

  “How long have I been asleep?”

  Adam looked at the bedside clock. “I’m not sure. I don’t remember what time we came home last night.”

  Lydia turned away from him and buried her face in the pillow. Adam dropped the towel and crawled into bed. When he reached out for her, she recoiled from his touch. “How can you touch me knowing what he did to me?”

  Adam fought to control the rage. “Honey, nothing that happened was your fault. I have been touching this beautiful body for nineteen years. You are my wife, and I love you with every fiber of my being. Nothing will ever change my love for you. You are beautiful Lydia, inside and out.”

  Lydia moved closer to him and felt his strong arm wrap around her. Spooning next to his wife, Adam kissed her neck. “I will help you deal with this honey. You are not alone. What can I do to help you, Lydia?”

  Crying, she pressed herself closer to him. “Love me, Adam, just love me. I don’t want to be a victim.”

  “Whatever happens, I will always be by your side. I will protect you from my family. I do not want any of them near you. Mary is downstairs with Bobby. Are you hungry? Could you eat a little lunch? Mary made a pot of gravy and meatballs.”

  A small growl erupted from her stomach. Laughing she said, “Um, I think I could eat something.”

  Adam kissed her neck. “Go take a shower and I’ll ask Mary to make a plate for you. Tonight we can talk about what happened yesterday. Until then, try to relax. We will work through this as we’ve worked through everything these past nineteen years.”

  Several minutes later, he heard Lydia crying in the shower. Lowering his head, he walked into the bathroom and opened the shower door. Lydia was sitting on the shower floor, her head resting on her knees. Adam knelt in front of her, and she fell into his arms. “I just had a memory. It was awful Adam. He had his head between my thighs. He was, oh God, he had his mouth on me.”

  Adam closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. The image of his brother’s head between her thighs had him wanting to commit murder. He must remain calm for his wife. “Now that we know what happened, these memories may come to the surface when you least expect them. I want you to tell me when you have a memory. I don’t care what it is. I want you to discuss it with me.”

  “I’m so afraid of what I’ll remember. I thought it was you, Adam. I thought you were making love to me. He used me, and I feel dirty. He used me, and I want to hurt him, the way he hurt me.”

  “Let me worry about my brother. I want you to focus on Gail. She will need us when she comes home from the hospital. Our baby girl needs both of her parents.”

  Lydia had to address the elephant in the room. “Do you feel different towards Gail knowing that she is not your daughter?”

  Adam expected this question; however, it still punched him in the gut hearing it from his wife. “Being a father is not about biology. Being a father is about loving someone so completely, you would give your life to protect this precious gift. Gail is my gift. She is my daughter, and I will fight with every ounce of strength I have to keep her safe. She will never call anyone else father. She is my daughter.”

  His words were what Lydia wanted to hear. “I love you, Adam. We are lucky to have you in our lives. Our children are fortunate to have you as their father, and I am incredibly happy you married me.”

  Whispering in her ear, Adam said, “I am the lucky one honey because I have what I’ve always wanted. I have children who are the joy of my life. I have a wife that I love beyond words. All of you are the love of my life, and no one will take that away from me. I will always fight to protect what is mine.”

  Later that night, when the house was finally qu
iet and they were lying in bed, Adam and Lydia talked honestly with each other. “Honey, I know this is a traumatic event for you. Do you feel the need to seek professional help in dealing with the memories?”

  Thinking for several minutes, she finally said, “I don’t know if it will help me. My subconscious mind has been trying to remember for nineteen years. I would feel more at ease talking to you.”

  “Do you remember any of what happened that night?”

  “Well, I remember making dinner. I remember the argument, and I remember watching a movie with John. After that, my memory is fuzzy. When I awoke the next morning, I was very sick. It makes me angry Adam. I thought it was you. I was so proud that I waited until we were married before we made love for the first time. It made me happy knowing you would be the only man to make love to me. He took that away from me, and it makes me sick.”

  “Why did he hate me? Why would he hurt me this way? He knew I was in love with you.” Lydia frowned and rubbed her forehead. Suddenly, another flash of memory came to her. “I remember something. He was in the room when I woke the next morning.” She paused as the memory came to her. “He called me a bitch and said I deserved what he did to me. He said I enjoyed it.”

  Adam held her tightly. “It’s ok honey. He can’t hurt you now. I won’t let him near you.”

  “What I don’t understand is why you parents didn’t tell anyone about the letter. If they reported it to the police, why keep it a secret? Were they protecting him?”

  “I don’t know, but I think they owe us an explanation.”

  Chapter 8

  Later that night, the hospital transferred Gail to a private room. Adam, Lydia, and Bobby were the first to visit her the next morning. Adam leaned down and kissed her forehead. Her eyes fluttered open, and a small smile graced her beautiful face. “Hi Munchkin, everyone is waiting to see you.”

  Tears welled in her eyes. “It hurts Daddy.”

  “I know sweetheart. I will talk to the nurse when we leave. You are going to be okay honey. Mom and I will take good care of you.”

  Lydia stood on the other side of the bed holding her hand. Bobby stood at the foot of the bed. “That’s right honey, your daddy and I will take care of you. Pretty soon you will be in your bed, eating ice cream and watching silly movies on Net Flix.”

  “What about college?”

  Lydia looked at Adam. “I’ll call the dean this afternoon and explain the situation. Do not worry about college. You will be up and on your feet before you know it.”

  Yawning, Gail closed her eyes. “Ok Daddy,” she said and quickly fell asleep. They both kissed Gail and left the room. Bobby remained standing at the foot of the bed. Hands fisted by his side, he refused to leave his sister.

  Adam turned around, went back into her room, and saw that Bobby was crying. “Bobby, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

  “It’s my fault Gail’s hurt. We were joking around in the parking lot, and I wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t see the car until it was on top of us. Gail pushed me out of the way. At first, I thought she was messing around with me, but then I saw the car come out of nowhere, and it hit her.” Sobbing, he covered his face with his hands.

  Pulling Bobby close to him, he rocked his son while he cried. “It’s not your fault Bobby. It was a terrible accident. No one is to blame.” Adam held his son for several minutes until there were no more tears. Lydia drove them home while Adam continued to hold his son.

  The problem with a written confession is that it follows you. It haunts you to the point of madness. Following Adam’s outburst in the rectory, I had a very uncomfortable meeting with Father Mallard.

  “Is this true, Father Brady. Did you commit the heinous acts described in this letter?”

  Shame and remorse rise like bile in my throat. “I am ashamed to say I did write the letter to my parents. What happened that day has haunted me, and while I am deeply ashamed of who I once was, I am no longer that person.”

  Frowning, Father Mallard once again read the letter. “Do you understand how the parishioners of this parish will react if this were made public? They will never trust you with their children. They will shun you. We must keep this between ourselves. The church will not be put in the spotlight by a rapist who is now a priest.”

  “Father Mallard, I respect and admire you, and it is not my desire to argue. I want to remind you of my nineteen years of service to the church. Not once during that time have I brought shame to the church. I have served Our Lord faithfully. I have served the parishioners of my former parish with respect and love. To insinuate that I would bring shame to the church is insulting, on many levels.”

  “I am not proud of who I once was. Drinking and drugs had a devastating effect on my mind, my body, and my morals. It disgusts me that I could do something so vile to someone I loved. I contemplated taking my life. The church saved my soul. My faith is a guiding force in my life. I would rather leave the church than bring disgrace through those beautiful doors. Do what you feel is necessary. I have lived with this for many years, and I will take the shame with me to my grave.”

  “You are at risk of being defrocked if this leaks. How many people in your family know of this letter?”

  “As far as I am aware, my parents, Adam, and Lydia know the truth. Why do ask?”

  “I must contain this. I want to meet with them as soon as possible.”

  My head is pounding from where Adam’s fist connected with my jaw. The walls of the rectory feel like a prison, and I need time to think about how to proceed. I roam around the neighborhood in an attempt to calm down. To insinuate I would bring shame to the church keeps running through my mind. I have served Our Lord faithfully. I am not the same person I was before becoming a priest. How can I make Father Mallard see that I am a changed person? I am still trying to cope with the fact that I fathered a child. Gail is my daughter! How can I live with the truth? How can I look at Gail and not tell her the truth?

  It is well after the dinner hour when I return to the rectory. My walk did nothing to calm my nerves. Father O’Connell’s office door is open, and I am overwhelmed with the sudden need to confess. What would I say? I have to get this out in the open. “Father O’Connell, may I speak with you for a few minutes? I am deeply troubled.” Father O’Connell looks up from his paperwork and sees the ugly bruise on the side of my face. He was not in the rectory when I had my confrontation with Adam.

  “Father Brady, what happened to your face? Who hit you?”

  I need a few minutes to compose my thoughts. Father O’Connell waits patiently for me to speak. “I have tried to be a good priest. I am sure you know the reason for my entering the priesthood. I was a drug addict and an alcoholic. Those first few years were tough for me. I missed the potential of what could have been an entirely different life. I chose my path in life to absolve myself of sin. Yesterday, the consequences of my actions hit me in the face.” I once again confess my shame and remorse.

  “I wrote a letter to my parents before I left home. I confessed what I did but did not tell them it was Lydia. Ironically, my parents kept the letter. They gave it to Adam who in turn, gave it to Father Mallard. I will not disgrace the church. If the result is a defrocking, I will accept the consequences, and move on with my life.”

  Father O’Connell walks from behind his desk and sits next to me. “A lie on top of a lie is not the best decision. I understand everyone wants to protect Gail. The deeper question is how do you feel now that you know the truth?”

  “Honestly, I feel elated. I knew my decision would end my chances of having a family. Now that I am aware I have a daughter, I want to embrace the myriad of emotions that have bombarded my mind, my heart, my soul. I want to know my daughter. I have spent so many years avoiding Adam out of guilt.”

  “I am foremost a man with emotions and desires. I regret my decision to come back to this parish. Seeing my brother and his wife has dredged up too many painful memories. I feel the need to escape once again. How long
do I have to keep running from my past? Have I not lived my life by the teaching of the Bible?”

  Father O’Connell reaches out and touches my shoulder. “Deep in your soul, you know you only have one option. Remember The Eighth Commandment ‘Thou shall not bear false witness.’ Lying to conceal the truth is a sin of omission and at the end of the day resolves nothing. You must face the consequences of your actions. Think upon this for a few days. I know you will make the correct decision.”

  I rise from my chair and kneel before Father O’Connell to receive his blessing.

  The meeting with Father Mallard the next day was acrimonious. “I have requested this meeting because I want to know how you intend to handle the problem with Gail’s parentage.”

  Adam gripped the arm of his chair and took a deep breath. He did not want to punch another priest. “I fail to see how this concerns you, or the church. This is a private family matter, and will be dealt with by my family.”

  “I will not have the church disgraced by the actions of Father Brady.” He turned to face John. “You should have informed me of these events before accepting the position. I do not want you associated with my church.”

  A foreign emotion grips me, anger. “If you reviewed my file prior to my arrival, you would have been well informed. I had previously confessed my sin to Father Randall, and The Cardinal. His Eminence is well aware of my history. My entire clerical life is available for you to review. If it is your wish for me to leave St. Peter’s Church, I suggest you take the issue to The Cardinal. I will not be coerced.”

  Adam begrudgingly agreed with John. “This matter is closed Father Mallard. Do not attempt to contact my daughter or any member of my family.”