by Robin Laine
“Not for him specifically, but I did see him there on quite a few occasions,” I admit, my voice cracking. Tears sting my eyes before falling down my cheeks. I haphazardly wipe them away with my fingers. Willing them to stop. I won’t cry in front of these people. I won’t give your brother the pleasure of seeing just how much he’s broken me with his hateful words.
Evan hangs his head, “Fuck me.”
Those two words, they tell me all I need to know. My heart begins to splinter. Tiny cracks threatening to spider web out until it shatters. I grab Tyler and lift him up into my arms before I run for the front door. It takes me two tries to yank it open. I pull too hard the second time, and it slams against the wall. I turn back to look at Evan. He’s not moving. Just looking at me with a pained expression across his handsome face. Those whiskey eyes that have always captivated me hold a look of betrayal.
I can’t stand it. I run out the door, down the driveway, and buckle my son into his car seat as quickly as I can. Thanking God that I drove myself here, I lock the doors and turn the key once I’m in the driver’s seat. The engine roars to life and I can’t get out of here soon enough. I take one last look at the house and see Evan running towards my car. He’s calling my name, banging on the driver side window once he reaches it, but I’m in no shape to have whatever conversation he wants to happen right now. I put the car in drive but my foot just hovers over the gas pedal. I need to get the hell away from this situation as quickly as possible. But… this isn’t me. I don’t run. Not anymore.
Pain and sorrow turn to anger, fueling me to put the damn car back in park and turn off the engine. How dare they! How dare Crosby say that shit about me, talk about me as if I’m some kind of whore! How dare Evan look at me as though I’m some kind of disappointment, a failure! And then I think of Parker, just standing there, taking it all in and not saying a god damn word in my defense. Fuck this and fuck them! I push the car door open with as much strength as I can muster, nearly knocking Evan on his judgmental ass. Once he rights himself he looks at me in shock, his eyes round and jaw hanging open.
“Azley, we need to talk about this.” Evan says with irritation in his voice. He looks over my shoulder before his jaw tightens and he’s grabbing my arm, “Somewhere more private, though. I think we’ve had enough of an audience today.”
Twisting out of his grasp, I turn around to see all of Evan’s family watching us. While most of them look sad and apologetic, Crosby is leaning against the door frame, a sick satisfying grin gracing his face. Facing Evan once again, I can’t hold back. The anger in me releases as I tell him, “No, there won’t be any talking, Evan, just listening. You listening to me. Your brother hurt me. You hurt me, and that’s not okay. What I did in the past is my business. Mine! It has nothing to do with you. Was I a stripper? You bet your fucking ass I was! I did what I had to do to take care of my son. His asshole of a father sure as hell wasn’t doing a damn thing to help. I don’t regret one single moment of that time in my life other than the fact it kept me away from Tyler at night. You and your family have no right to judge my decisions. I won’t apologize for not being perfect in your and their eyes. And if you think one single thing Crosby suggested about me is true, you can take that damn pedestal you all sit on and shove it up your ass. Now, if you’re done being a judgmental dick, kindly get the hell out of my way because you're excused from my presence now.”
I reach for the handle so I can climb back in my car. Before I can pull on it I’m pushed against my door, my breasts against the window. Evan’s chest rests against my back, his breathing heavy and ragged and his hands against my car on either side of my shoulders. He has me caged in, unable to move. “I’m sorry, Azley. I wasn’t judging you. I promise you that. Shocked and pissed as hell that you didn’t tell me about it, but not judging. Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I knew this would happen. I saw that look of disgust on your face, on all of your faces.” I try to squirm out from the barricade of his arms, but he’s not budging.
“You have got to be kidding me! The only thing I’m disgusted about is that I had to hear about this from my brother. If I had known before he pulled this stupid stunt of his, I would have been prepared to defend you. Instead, I was blindsided. So yeah, I’m disgusted and mad as hell at you. This isn’t something I would have left you over, but if you want to leave, then fucking leave. You obviously don’t have as much respect, or the will to fight, for this relationship.” He backs away and walks back up to the house without a second look my way. I’m left feeling like a scolded child. He’s right, but I’m not prepared to admit that to him or myself.
“I can’t deal with this right now,” I whisper to myself. “I need to be alone. I need to think.” I get in my car and drive away, not looking back, not planning on seeing Evan again.
Once we’re back home, I put my special little boy down for the evening then run myself a hot bath. Sitting amongst the lavender scented bubbles, I bury my face in my hands to quiet the angry sobs escaping my body. I knew this day was coming. It hurts worse than I ever thought imaginable. The knife wound Eric dealt me was a paper cut compared to this pain. This is all on me, I fucked this up. I won’t let it break me, though. Not again. Not ever again.
Chapter 13
Evan
What the hell just happened? One minute we’re enjoying ourselves, and the next Crosby drops a bomb so big my ears are ringing. Why didn’t Azley tell me she was a stripper? Did she honestly think I would be done with her over something like that? Lying, though, whether done out right or by withholding information, that just pisses me off. As far as I’m concerned secrets are lies, and by keeping that big of a secret from me that’s exactly what she did.
As soon she takes off in her car, I stalk back into my parents’ house. I make a beeline straight for Crosby, not even thinking, just letting the anger I feel towards him lead me and my fist right into his face. He doesn’t even react; just stands there holding his eye with confusion pouring out of him. I don’t even want to know what he has to say for himself and the hatred he spewed towards Azley. She didn’t deserve that treatment, those words. No matter how mad I am at her right now, that was still a bullshit move by him. I turn around and leave, to the sound of my mom calling after me, without a word. I know if I don’t, the anger raging in me will result in regrettable actions, me beating the shit out him.
A week later, I’m spending the day at Larsen’s, helping take care of her horses while she works with clients. It usually helps me clear my head, but I can’t seem to stop thinking about Azley. I don’t know if I want to call her to see if we can work things out, or just mark this off as a lesson learned.
“What’s on your mind cous’?” I look over my shoulder to see Larsen has walked up behind me, holding the reins to one of the horses. She leads her into the stall next to the one I’m currently in then walks back out to face me.
“What makes you think I have something on my mind?” I ask.
“Well, you’ve been brushing Warden down for over an hour. Must be some deep thoughts you’re lost in to take that long. Never seen you this way before. So, I ask again, what’s on your mind?” She folds her arms over her chest and cocks a booted foot out to the side as she blocks the entrance to the stall.
“I don’t suppose you’ve heard about what happened last week?” As much as I hope it’s not travelling through the family grapevine, I don’t feel like rehashing everything that went down either. It wouldn’t surprise me if it has. My mom and her sister in law, Larsen’s mother, tell each other everything. You would think they were blood related with how close they are.
“Of course, I heard about it. I’m sure my mom called me as soon as she got off the phone with Aunt Ellen,” she tells me. I swear to God, the women in my family are bunch of a damn gossips.
“Great.” I shake my head and turn to put the brush away. Walking around Larsen to get out of the stall, I start to pace a short path in front of it.
“No
w tell me what’s going on inside that head of yours, Evan. Who knows, I may be able to give you a woman’s perspective on the situation.”
“Azley shut me out, Larsen,” I reply angrily. “She was a stripper, and she hid it from me. That’s no way to go into a relationship. The fact that she didn’t disclose that she used to strip is hard to get over. For fucks sake, Crosby has seen her nearly naked! That’s a pretty big thing to forget to mention.”
“Ah, now we’re getting somewhere,” she taps her chin and then points her finger at me. “So, tell me, is it the fact that she didn’t tell you about her past employment that has you all riled up, or is it really about your brother seeing her in a way that only you should see? Also, did she even know who Crosby was before last weekend? If not, how would she know to mention that to you?”
Frustration runs through me as I scrub my hands over my face. Is that the real problem here? That my brother saw her that way? Thinking about it brings back the anger I felt last Saturday, as well as makes me sick to my stomach. “I don’t know, Larsen. Both things make me want to say fuck it and just be done with her. But no, she didn’t know Crosby at the time. Last week was the first time she ever met him. How can I trust her to be open with me if she hides something that big?”
“It always comes back to trust, doesn’t it?” She asks and I nod, pinching the bridge of my nose.
“Always. The ironic thing is, Az and I have talked about the importance of honesty and trust from the beginning of our relationship. Yet, she still withheld that information.”
“And now you feel betrayed, am I right?” Larsen asks.
“I do.”
“Does it make you love her less?” My head whips up at her question.
“Who said anything about love?” Jaw clenched, I stare at Larsen.
“Honestly, Evan, do you think you’d be this upset if you didn’t love her?” Hands on her hips, Larsen shakes her head as if I’m the dimmest person in the world, her blonde hair brushing over her shoulders.
Stopping, I turn fully to face her. Do I love Azley? Thoughts of our time together invade my mind. My answer is quick and without further thought. “I do love her,” I murmur. “I’m crazy about her, actually. She’s completely upended my life, but in a good way. She makes me feel complete. Like I’ve been wandering through life an empty shell, and she and Tyler filled me with hope of a future together. The sound of her voice soothes me after a long day at work. Her strength and independence are to be admired. Hell, she doesn’t even care about my parents’ money. She threw a fit once because I refused to let her buy me dinner. Told me she prefers to be an equal rather than someone who needs taking care of.” I quietly laugh at the memory.
“Perhaps she just wanted to be a woman, without the stripper label. Fall in love with a man who would love her for what’s inside of her and not for what he would see on the outside if the truth of her past was known. In the end, isn’t that what we all want? Someone to love us, no matter the circumstances?” Larson lays a hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently before letting go.
“Yeah, I guess so,” I reply.
“Last question, and you don’t need to answer me, just think on it for a bit.” She waits a beat, making sure she has my full attention before continuing, “Can you see yourself five, ten, fifty years from now without Azley in your life? How easy would it be for you to move on?”
“That was two questions,” I smirk at her teasingly.
“Don’t be a smartass. Think about it, and then make your decision. Don’t wait too long, though, or you may mess this up worse than she did.”
“You know, Larsen, sometimes I forget how smart you are. Must be that blonde hair of yours. Fools people into thinking you’re all looks and no brain.” I laugh as I yank a piece and quickly pull my hand back as she takes a swipe at me.
“Yeah, and sometimes I forget you can be a big jerk sometimes. Must be the good looks, fooling people into thinking you’re a gentleman.”
I pull my cousin in for a long hug and kiss the top of her head, “Thanks for the advice. It’s getting late so I’m going to head out now.”
Larsen waves goodbye as I head out to my truck. I sit behind the wheel, pull my phone from my back pocket to text Azley. Larsen is right. I can’t imagine my life without Azley and Tyler in it. We need to fix this shit.
Me: Hey Sugar. I was hoping we could talk.
I wait a few minutes for her reply. When she doesn’t respond, I send another.
Me: I know you’re mad. You know I’m mad. Call me so we can solve this.
Me: Please
I wait another five minutes, and when she still doesn’t reply, I toss my phone in the cup holder and start my truck to head home. Once I’m there, I decide to call Azley. I dial her number and bring the phone to my ear, praying she answers. No dice. I keep calling, hoping she’ll get pissed enough to answer and tell me off. Something. Anything. Fuck me, I hope she’s not running scared.
A ride, I need to go for a ride and think about my next move. I saddle up Chewy, lead him out of the stable before mounting him, and ride around the neighborhood. The calming effects of being on the back of a horse doesn’t come to me easily, and neither does a good plan on how to get Azley to talk to me. With nothing left to lose, I jump in my truck to head to her apartment. One way or another she’s going to have to face me. We’re either going to set things straight, or part ways for good. Either way, this shit ends tonight. I send her one last text.
Me: I’m coming for you, Sugar. Whether you’re ready or not.
Chapter 14
Azley
A week passes by and I haven’t heard from Evan. Then again, I haven’t reached out to him either. Completely exhausted, I just lay in bed for a while after a bath. All of the emotions from last week hit me full force again and I curl into a ball, willing the tears that want to spill again to go away. Crosby’s and Evan’s words play in a loop through my head. Crosby almost made me feel shame for my past choices, and I hated him for that. Evan’s words worm their way into my brain, reminding me this all could have been avoided. I just want to push all those words from my mind. I don’t want to cry anymore, don’t want to feel pity for myself. I want to move on with my life like this all never happened.
Tyler walks into my room after his nap, rubbing his little fist over one of his sleepy eyes. “Momma, I hungry. I have pizza?”
Time to push through the pain and take care of my boy. “Of course, baby. Let’s get you some dinner.”
Tatum calls me just as I’m walking into the kitchen. She was on vacation with her family all week, so I haven’t been able to tell her what happened. I miss my best friend. Need her guidance. I decide to send her call to voice mail then shoot her a quick text.
Me: Come over after seven.
Tatum: What’s going on? You and bug ok?
Me: I will be. Don’t feel like talking right now. Bring wine and I’ll tell you everything.
Tatum: Ok and you better. Ttyl
I order us a cheese pizza for dinner, and I get half of it covered with bacon, ham, and pineapple. Tyler doesn’t like meat on his pizza yet, and I’m okay with that, but I need my comfort carbs with toppings. Once it arrives I camp us out on the couch to watch a movie. I put in The Land Before Time, which is Tyler’s favorite, and wrap the throw from the back of the couch around us. Peacefulness settles through me as he snuggles into my side. I kiss the top of his head and breathe in his scent. This is my happy, right here with this precious little boy.
My phone starts alerting me to text messages as I hit play for the DVD, and by the time the movie is almost done, I’m getting phone calls. They’re from Evan. I ignore them all. I can’t talk to him or see him right now. My head is still spinning from our fight. The hurt is still fresh. The price of pain after our short-lived time together isn’t worth it. Despite the promise to myself to never let this happen again, I fell for Evan and he… when I think harder about it, he actually didn’t do anything at all. I was the one who mess
ed this up, not him. I don’t know how to fix it, though. Don’t know if I want to.
After the movie ends, I bathe Tyler before tucking him in for the night. It doesn’t take long before he falls asleep. Despite having a late nap, he’s still tired at his scheduled bedtime. He’s cuddled up with his favorite blanket, his hand grasping it tightly. I sit on the edge of his bed and stroke his head, brushing the black curls off his forehead. He looks so sweet, innocent, peaceful. One last kiss to the top of his head before I walk out of his room, making sure the nightlight is on and his bedroom door cracked open.
A soft knock on the apartment door lets me know Tatum has arrived. I check the peephole just in case before opening it. “Thanks for coming over, Tay.”
“What’s going on? You never ignore my phone calls. I figure it’s something big so I brought ice cream too,” she says, holding up a bag and a bottle of our favorite Moscato, as she walks by me to my kitchen. I grab wine glasses while Tatum opens the bottle. We leave the ice cream on the counter to soften up and head back to the living room.
“So, tell me what happened?” We both sit on opposite ends of my couch and I tell her everything that happened last weekend, holding myself together as best I can to keep the tears that are threatening to spill from escaping. Once I’ve finished, Tatum stares at me with shock written all over her face.
“That dick! How could he say something like that? You know what, fuck him and his hypocritical ass! You were good enough for him to go into a club and watch you work what your mama gave ya’, but you’re not good enough for his brother? I hope I get to meet him some day, because that man child needs to have a Tatum sized ass kicking.”
I stare at my best friend and burst into tears. The damn that was holding everything in today has broken and I can’t hold them back. The pain from a week ago, mixed with Tatum’s devotion to me, is just too much. She’s had my back for so many years and I can’t imagine what I would do without her. She’d go to battle for me in a heartbeat for no other reason than she loves me as much as I love her.