Heart on Ice

by Anberlin Lovell

  “Nate, I don’t know what this was, I liked it, I really did but it’s confusing.”

  “Hey, look at me” I met his eyes, so bright and loving, “We’ll figure it out together, okay? Because you know what, we’re still married.” I smiled a little bit and hugged him, he pulled his shirt on I tied my hair up. We went back to the ice where our stuff was and he put up my skates and his skates putting them both in his bag and he got a wrap out and wrapped my swollen ankle. We walked in silence back to the apartment,

  “I’ll bring the skates to the next dance class because your Mom is really mad.”

  “And I don’t think we should let her see us together.”

  “So I’ll just stop here, and I know you can make a block by yourself.”

  “But kiss me first.” He smiled and pressed his lips to mine,

  “I’ll see you later Noel.”

  6

  Hockey

  I watched her hop the one block and when she opened the door she watched me for a second before she went in, oh hot damn my body felt amazing right now. I missed her, I missed how good it felt to be inside her, I walked back to the arena for hockey practice, I can’t believe I just slept with her in the locker room. It was our private hockey ring but ice skaters trained here too, there were three rinks but ours was the one I just got out of. Lucky no one was there.

  “Dude, you were supposed to come eat with us and you just vanished” Dillon said, when I opened my locker.

  “I had something to do, I just had to take a breather, think about what happened.”

  “Dude, is that a hickey?”

  “What? Where?” he pointed to my collar bone and I went to the mirror, sure enough there was one. “Yeah, no biggy, whatever.”

  “No biggy? When’s the last time that you got laid?”

  “Today” I said rolling my eyes, but it was so much more than just being laid, it was love, it was heating up this thing that had died a long time ago.

  “Noel?” he mouthed,

  “She hopped out remember?”

  “Yeah but you would know where she went, and you’d want to talk to her after she dropped that bomb, it was her.”

  “Shut up dude, dude, I don’t know what she wants, so I don’t want anyone to know and I don’t want her to know you know. Alright?”

  “So are you like falling for her again?”

  “I don’t think I ever stopped loving her, and I don’t think she ever stopped loving me.”

  “You did leave her. Wait dude, if she was pregnant, whatever happened to the baby?” Oh. That’s a really good question. I shrugged and pulled my jersey on. I grabbed my skates and went to the ice, I put them on and started skating laps waiting on the rest of the guys, when they all got here coach had us sit on the wall,

  “How’d your dance lesson go?”

  “His ex-wife’s mom is the teacher.” Dillon said laughing pointing to me, I rolled my eyes; coach was at our wedding too.

  “How is Noel, Nate?”

  “She’s alright,”

  “Is she skating?”

  “Her ankle’s messed up, she’s on crutches.”

  “That’s awful, what’d she do?”

  “She said she fell down stairs.”

  7

  Love

  I sat up in the window sill watching the people and cars go by, the city lights looked brilliant. I shut my eyes and thought about today, how amazing Nate was, how sweet he was to me. I love him, I’ve missed him and all I wanted to do right now was crawl into a warm bed with him. That’s what I’ll do. What’s stopping me? I jumped up and grabbed my crutches putting my boots and jacket on. I went down the stairs quietly and out the front door shutting it softly. I grabbed a taxi and told him the address; it was only 20 blocks which wouldn’t be so bad except the crutches and the cold. I paid the guy and he opened the door before I knocked.

  “Hi” I said, “I feel kind of stupid but I really just needed to be here.” He smiled and let me in, he helped me with my jacket and boots and picked me up on his back and carried me into the kitchen then sat me on the counter so he could start making a glass of tea and rubbing my hands in between his.

  “Is everything okay? Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I was just thinking, and I know this sounds crazy but I really miss you and I know you miss me too and I just wanted to hear your voice again, or see your face or kiss your lips.” He smiled once he took it all in and wrapped his arms around me hugging me.

  “I do miss you, I miss you so much.” He wrapped his fingers through mine and kissed my nose, “Hey you took that ring off.”

  “Yeah, I don’t think it had a place on my hand, and he didn’t have a place in my heart.” He smiled and grabbed the cups of tea, taking us downstairs into his bedroom and set the tea on the night table and me on the bed.

  “I know this is probably really bad timing, but I’ve been thinking all day since what you said in the studio. What happened…”

  “To the baby?” I finished, I was really hoping he wouldn’t ask, but I shouldn’t have been so naïve. He nodded, “I had an abortion. I didn’t see any other option, you thought I cheated and my Mom didn’t want me having someone else’s baby because I told her the lie because it was the easiest thing since I thought you didn’t want me so setting the truth straight would be pointless.” He wrapped his arms around me and I was glad he didn’t hate me, “I’m sorry, it just, seemed like a good idea.” He kissed my shoulder, “You aren’t mad?”

  “Even if I was I don’t have any right to be.” I turned to look at him, and he kissed me. I smiled and laid back on the bed where he followed over top me his lip brushing on mine.

  “Who’d have imagined you didn’t have sex for three years” I said laughing; he smiled and kissed me long and hard.

  “It’s only worth it for me, with you.” He jumped up, “You don’t have to, if you don’t want to, but” he opened the jewelry box on the dresser, “this is yours.” It was my wedding band I smiled and held my hand out to him; he slid the ring on and kissed it. He handed me his and I put it on his finger and leaned up and kissed him. He pushed the nightgown up and ran his fingers over my body; he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into him. He seemed perfectly fine with cuddling but I wanted more, I just wanted to be with him because who knew how long it would last.

  “Nate?” he looked up at me and had a smile on his face, “Can you make love to me again?”

  8

  Happiness

  I woke up happy, Noel was here, Noel was happy; Noel was sleeping looking like an angel. I got up and put shorts on and made coffee, I went and sat on the bed watching her for a bit. I got some coffee and went to wake her up.

  “Come on angel, get up.”

  “Nooo” she whined covering her eyes,

  “Noel.”

  “Nate.” She said in the same tone opening her eyes, I leaned down and kissed her,

  “I’ve got to go to practice but you can stay and sleep.”

  “Sleep?” she repeated, I smiled and nodded,

  “Yeah sleep. You can call me later or be here later or I’ll come see you later.”

  “We’ll figure something out right?”

  “Yes angel, we’ll figure something out.”

  9

  Going to Make this Work

  I got out of the cab and met Nate in Brooklyn, ran his fingers through my dark hair and pulled me in to kiss him. He took my hand and we went into the coffee shop, he got the coffee and we sat down.

  “It’s weird having to sneak around with my wife.”

  “When Toby gets back from Florida, I’m going to break up with him.” He smiled,

  “Are you excited about getting back on ice tomorrow?” I nodded,

  “I am, I’m off the crutches and I can finally skate. I can barely wait.”

  “Do you want me to go with you?”

  “Do you want to?”

  “Of course I do angel.”

  “Good, because I want you too.
I’m kind of scared, if that makes since.”

  “It makes since to me.” He said leaning over the table and kissing me, “Don’t be scared though.”

  “I have a competition in a week, I’m terrified.”

  “Why are they pushing you to compete so hard? They’re risking straining your ankle.”

  “I know, but Molov wants me competing. He says I’ve been out too long to not be competing. That I’m practically already out of the running for the Olympics. If I don’t do well at the competition I may as well quit competition skating.”

  “It’s that bad?” He asked sadly, I nodded. “Is it alright if I stay with you this week?”

  “Of course it is Angel.”

  My coach was having me run through the routine again and then I had to go home and rest. I was getting really nervous about the competition tonight. Nate met me inside the locker room; he scared the crap out of me honestly.

  “I’ve been thinking about you.” He said when I pulled my leotard off, I jumped and he smiled. “Good luck tonight Angel.”

  “Are you going to be there?” Please be there, I need you to be.

  “Do you want me to be?”

  “Bring a few guys, so it’s not so weird you showing up.” He kissed me,

  “Yes ma’am, we’ll be there. And did I say good luck?” I laughed and pushed him back so I could get dressed,

  “Let’s go get some coffee or something, then I’ll help you with that move you learned in class Wednesday, I know a special way we can use it.” He grabbed onto my hips and kissed me again,

  “Yes ma’am.”

  10

  Russians

  Noel placed last at the competition last night and had texted me saying she couldn’t come over, her lesson had cut into 15 minutes of our practice time but our coach was watching her. She was trying, she really was but her coach and Toby were both yelling at her. Coach and I kept exchanging looks and one of us would shrug. I finally got out of the seat and went and stood beside him leaned against the wall.

  “What’s going on?” I couldn’t understand the coach because he was Russian; he just always spoke in his language.

  “They haven’t quit yelling at her, 45 minutes of how she got last place and the fiancé threw her across the ice half an hour ago, now they’re yelling because she isn’t going fast enough.” He muttered, “She only got last because she hasn’t been training properly for the last 8 months.” The coach slapped her after she said something, and she lost balance falling onto her knees. “He just quit.”

  “Thank God.”

  “Maybe not, it might be too late in the season for her to find a new one.” Fiancé guy offered to help her up but she just got up on her own and got off on this side, she threw her skates and slammed the locker room door, I heard the click for she locked it. Coach sighed,

  “You guys, out on the ice, we’ve got a game tonight!” I practiced, but not as hard, I knew Noel needed consoling and that was where my heart was. She came out fully dressed and coach handed her the skates she had thrown. She tossed them in her bag, and her fiancé was waiting. He was talking to her in French; he grabbed her and started tugging her out. She yanked back and he slapped her and knocked her over, she hit her head on the barrier, Dillon was closest and threw his stick down. He pushed the guy back and I helped Noel up. Her head was bleeding like a bitch.

  “Coach, I think you need to come here.” Dillon yelled,

  “Head wounds always bleed worse.” She muttered, after putting her hand against it and looking at it.

  “Yeah, well you shouldn’t be bleeding at all.” Coach looked at it; he pressed a towel against it. “Lay down on the other side, Huthin, go grab more towels.” Dillon went to grab towels, “You don’t need stitches, but head-“

  “Wounds bleed worse.” She muttered again. He nodded, “I know.”

  “When McGuire goes to dance, he can take you home. Okay?” She nodded,

  “Thanks.” Dillon placed the towels on the bench and Coach told her to lay down there.

  We went back to practicing after that,

  “McGuire, you’ve got dance practice in 15 minutes!” I looked at the time and it was already 4:30, we’d been out here nearly two hours. I looked at Noel and she was still lying there.

  “Coach she fell asleep.” Tony said,

  “Wake her up and take her home. Nate, go wake her up so she doesn’t freak out.”

  I kneeled beside her,

  “Noel-y, Angel.” I whispered running my fingers over her face, she smiled, “Wake up angel.”

  “I’m awake.” She muttered,

  “Come on, open your eyes.” She did,

  “Is my head still bleeding.” She asked, I took the towel off and looked.

  “No, but you should be really careful, okay angel?” She nodded. “Tony can take you to my apartment, if you’d rather.” She nodded and I told him.

  11

  New Coach

  When I got home Noel was asleep on my couch, I carried her to the bed and wrapped my arms around her. In the morning she didn’t even want to talk. She just put her head against my chest and cried, I didn’t know what was wrong, and all I could do was hold her all day.

  The next morning, I got up in the morning she wasn’t here; I sighed and got ready for today’s practice. About an hour in the coach blew the whistle, she was there walking over to him.

  “I need you to coach me again.” I was close enough I could hear, good, good, maybe now I could figure out what was wrong.

  “No ma’am, I can’t do that, you need a real coach.”

  “You are a real coach, you’ll tell me what I’m doing wrong and I’ll listen.”

  “No Noel.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because you are an Olympic bound figure skater, I’m not your coach.” She put her hands over her face,

  “No one else is either, Mama called every single one she could find, they’re either taken, busy, or don’t want to work with me.” He was quiet for a second, “I’m not an Olympic bound figure skater without a damn coach.”

  “Noel, I’m not the coach you need.”

  “You’re all that’s left!” she said starting to cry, “I have to have a coach, and not a single one wants to be responsible for me if I flake, if I don’t make the cut, I don’t have promise anymore, because everyone has beaten me down and I get hurt too much and after the other night, they think my career is over and I have 6 months to get ready and I need a coach! After the other night, I’m practically already out. You coached me before, and I was good then.”

  “You were married to Nate then Noel. There was a mix of things making you good.”

  “I’m still married to Nate, I’ve practically been living there, and I’ll be good once I have you as a coach again.”

  “I can make some calls Noel, but I can’t coach you.”

  12

  Frustration

  I couldn’t even land an axel, I’d been here since 1 this morning and I was so upset that not even the basics were cut clean. Still can’t believe Coach Addison wouldn’t coach me, hey speak of the devil here he comes waltzing in.

  “Noel, what are you doing?”

  “Practicing.”

  “My hockey team is going to be here in 10 minutes, get off the ice.”

  “I’m practicing.”

  “Suit yourself.” He sat there watching me, I tried on this simple leap and I kept falling, I tried to get up but I was too weak. I just fell again. He came and helped me up, “Even the best fall down sometimes.”

  “Well I can’t be the best if I keep falling.”

  “Whatever you’re thinking about, stop.” I nodded, “Picture the axel.” I shut my eyes and imagined it, keep your eyes shut.” I could hear him backing away, “Now do it.” My skate slipped as I landed and I fell on my ass this time, I took deep breaths trying not to cry. I’m done, if I can’t prepare myself then all my dreams are dead. All those coaches who didn’t want to coach me were right in doing
so. There’s no room in the Olympic line up for a skater who peaked years ago.

  The tears started pouring out of my eyes and I yanked my skates off throwing them across the ice.

  13

  Quitting

  I heard a scream from the ice and the guys and I all looked at each other, it didn’t sound scared just angry. I walked into the rink to see Noel sitting there and throwing her skate, across the rink, it hit the plastic and bounced off.

  “I give up, I hate you, I quit, I don’t want to skate anymore.” Coach was moving towards her, she just crouched down and hugged herself. I slid out there; she was breathing so deeply, and shaking. I knelt down and put my hand on her back,

  “Go away Nate, I’m done.” I tried to pull her into my lap and she screamed and fought against me,

  “Come on Noel, you’re tired, angel. You get angry when you’re tired.”

  “Why don’t you get it? Nate, we’re finished, for good! I took your divorce papers up to your lawyer yesterday morning, we only signed those three years ago, I don’t know why you kept them sitting around. You ruined me, you just come dancing back into my life and make me feel better when I’m angry a few times and you manage to steal my heart but all we did was sneak around and I hate you Nate, I hate you.” I grabbed her hands so she’d stop shoving me, once she was restrained I could look at her,

  “Why would you do that?”

  “Because we’re done!” She shouted,

  “No we weren’t!” When I raised my voice she shrunk into herself, no longer resisting, just controlled, the same way she was when I met her. Scared. I let go of her wrists and put my hands on her face, “Noel, please.” I said, tears started running down my face and I made no effort to hide them or get rid of them. “Please.” I whispered.