The Hazards of Sleeping With a Friend

by Alyssa Rose Ivy

  “I’m all ears.” Bryan smiled lightly.

  “Ok.” I let out a deep breath. “If a guy asks you to admit your feelings, and you do, and then a few hours later he starts ignoring you, what does that mean?”

  Bryan wrinkled his brow. “Uh, what?”

  “I finally agreed that I wanted more than sex from Kyle.” I played with a string that had come loose at the hem of my tank top. Maybe talking to Bryan about this was a mistake.

  “Finally agreed?”

  “We were friends with benefits first, but like I said, I finally admitted my feelings were real. I opened up to him. He dropped me off this morning and things were great, but now he’s avoiding me.”

  “Maybe he’s busy?” Bryan shrugged.

  “Be honest.”

  “You really want me to be honest?” He ran a hand through his shaggy brown hair.

  “Yes. I can take it.” I held onto the sides of the chair. I was going to stay strong. Bryan couldn’t know for sure anyway.

  “He’s probably scared. He thought he wanted more and now that he’s getting it he doesn’t know what to do.”

  “So what do I do?” I took a deep breath.

  “Honestly? If I were you, I’d run. There are plenty of guys out there that aren’t commitment phobic.”

  My temporary excitement disappeared. “But I don’t want to run.”

  “You really like the guy.”

  “A lot.” Way too much. If I didn’t, the solution would be simple. Forget about him and move on with my life. But there would be no forgetting Kyle. Not after the time we’d spend together. Not now that I knew how he could make me feel.

  Bryan patted my back. “Then you go home, try to get some sleep, and hope he calls to explain himself tomorrow. Don’t chase him too hard. That’s only going to make him pull away more.”

  “Thanks for the advice.”

  “No problem.” He stood up. “Ready to go?”

  “Yeah.” I walked with him to the door and waited for him to lock up. My brief reprieve was over, now I had no more excuses to keep myself from trying to get some sleep. I checked my phone again even though I knew there wouldn’t be a single missed call or text.

  The night was still warm as we walked over to Bryan’s Mustang. It reminded me of a lot of the guys back home. I slipped into the passenger seat, relieved I wouldn’t be walking even though the fresh air did sound good.

  “You want me to drop you at the Delta Mu house, right?”

  The handful of times Bryan had driven me home he’d dropped me at Kyle’s. This would be the first night in ages I wasn’t going over there. “Yeah, the house.”

  “All right.” He turned and headed in that direction. We sat in silence until he pulled up in front of the house.

  I unbuckled my seatbelt. “Thanks for the ride.”

  “No problem. And Jade?”

  “Yes?” I hesitated with my hand on the door handle.

  “You’ll be fine no matter what happens with the guy. He’s not the only one out there.”

  “Thanks.” I hurried out of the car. I wasn’t up for any more conversation.

  I got changed into my pajamas and looked at my phone one last time. I didn’t want to call and seem desperate, but maybe I’d sleep better if I tried everything possible. I hit call, and I got his voicemail again. Great. Point made.

  I considered texting Savy, but it was way too late. I couldn’t wake her up. I washed up and got into bed, hopeful that I’d find a way to get some sleep. I needed a break from the thoughts and confusion swirling through my head.

  I lay awake for a few hours before my phone rang. I picked up quickly without looking at the name on the screen. “Kyle?”

  “No. It’s Dana.” Her strained voice was unfamiliar, but the name eventually sunk in.

  I pulled the phone away from my face to look at what I knew would be an unfamiliar number. “Dana? Hey…” What was she calling me for?

  “I’m guessing by the way you answered that you aren’t with Kyle?”

  “No. I haven’t heard from him all day.” I clutched the phone tightly.

  “That’s what I was worried about.”

  “What do you mean?” I sat up and turned on the light.

  “You really haven’t talked to him, have you?”

  “No. He’s ignoring my calls.” I let the words slip out without thinking. For all I knew she already knew the whole relationship was a farce. Maybe that’s what he’d been doing all day.

  “I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you need to know.”

  “Know what?” My stomach dropped. “What’s going on?”

  “There was an accident last night.”

  “Is everyone okay?” I’d been with Kyle the night before. She couldn’t mean an accident involving him.

  “No.” Her voice was tight.

  “What do you mean? What happened?”

  “It’s Dylan.” She cleared her throat, and I already knew her next few words wouldn’t be good ones. “His car went off a bridge. He didn’t make it.”

  “What?” I held onto my quilt because I needed to hold something. “You can’t mean that.”

  “I do.”

  My body went numb. Dylan was dead? Eventually my senses kicked back in. Dana had just lost her cousin. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Kyle hasn’t been answering his phone since his dad told him. We were hoping he was with you. Grace is already beside herself, I don’t think she can handle worrying about Kyle right now.”

  “I’ll go over to his place right now.” I pulled on a hoodie sweatshirt over my pajama cami and jumped into a pair of jeans.

  “It’s the middle of the night. Be careful.”

  “I will be.” I hung up. Going anywhere in the middle of the night was risky, but I didn’t care. Kyle needed me. I’d spent all day convinced he was avoiding me when he was dealing with a tragedy. I was a horrible person.

  I grabbed my keys, dashed downstairs, and I ran out the front door.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Kyle

  I turned off the ringer on my phone and locked my door. I couldn’t handle listening to it anymore. I’d spent hours staring at the wall, hoping I’d wake up from this nightmare. I didn’t wake up. As the sun set and my room fell into darkness, I knew any hope was long gone. The news was real. Dylan was dead.

  Sometime in the middle of the night I finally laid down. My body ached from sitting, but I knew I wouldn’t sleep. I hadn’t eaten all day, but the thought of food made me sick.

  I heard the banging on the front door but ignored it. Glen could deal with it.

  Jade’s worried voice sounded from somewhere far away, but I blocked it out. I wasn’t going near her. I knew it wasn’t her fault, but that didn’t change anything. I’d been so focused on her I’d ignored Dylan. Facing her would be almost worse than facing myself. At least I could avoid her.

  “Kyle?” Her voice came from right outside my door now. “Kyle, it’s me. Can I come in?” The knocking on the front door was easy to ignore, but it was harder to ignore her when she was so close. Part of me longed to see her, to touch her, to allow myself a moment of comfort, but I couldn’t. Even if I could get past her role in my mistake, did I deserve to? The answer was no. Whether she knew it or not, she was lucky. She wouldn’t be pulled in any further to my messed up life or the darkness that I knew was going to take over.

  I put on headphones and turned the music up high. It was a song I’d gotten as a free download, but I hated. Perfect. I didn’t deserve to listen to anything I liked.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Jade

  He ignored me. He ignored my knocking just like he’d ignored my calls. But this wasn’t about me. This wasn’t about us. It was about him. I knocked again. It was nearly three a.m., and I was both emotionally and physically exhausted, but I wasn’t leaving until I saw for myself that Kyle was okay.

  I knocked again, this time trying to turn the knob. As I suspected it was locked. “Ky
le, please. I need to see you. I need to be here for you.” Nothing. I chewed my nails. How long was he going to make me wait?

  Eventually my legs started to ache, and I took a seat on the floor outside his room.

  “Are you really going to sit there all night?” Glen strode toward me. He was wearing only his boxers. He’d dashed out of bed to answer the door without getting dressed. Savy was still sleeping. She could sleep through anything. I wish I had her ability to do that.

  I met Glen’s eyes. “I’m not leaving.”

  “Are you finally ready to tell me what’s going on?”

  “His brother died,” I said softly. Maybe it was Kyle’s story to tell, but I needed to explain my presence and my worry. This wasn’t about us fighting. This was about Kyle getting through the most traumatic experience of his life.

  “I had no idea.” Glen kneeled down beside me. “When did it happen?”

  “Last night I think. His family called me all worried. I’m not leaving.”

  “Then hold on.” He stood, walked away, and returned a minute later with a pillow and a blanket. “At least try to be comfortable.”

  “I’m not going to be able to sleep.”

  “I understand. I probably won’t either.” Glen wasn’t just saying that. The worry on his face said it all.

  “Hopefully he’ll let me in eventually.” I tapped on the closed door.

  “Kyle’s lucky to have you.” Glen nodded before walking back down the hall to his room.

  I wrapped the blanket around me. Kyle would have to open the door eventually. Right? It was at that moment, with my back pressed up against the hard door that I finally admitted something to myself. I was in love with Kyle. But what if that love wasn’t enough?

  ***

  I blinked, taking a moment to remember where I was. Sunlight streamed in through a small window in the hallway. The hallway. I was in the hallway outside Kyle’s room. He’d never let me in. He’d let me spend the whole night sleeping on the floor. I pushed away my anger and annoyance. He was going through so much more than I was. I tried to push away the remnants of a nightmare about Dylan. What was wrong with me? Why was I messed up over a guy I barely knew?

  “Jade?” Savy said my name softly. “He still hasn’t opened the door?”

  “Nope.” I touched the white door frame.

  “Glen told me what happened. Obviously he’s taking it hard.”

  I pulled myself up to sitting. “I just wish I could help. There has to be something I can do.”

  Savy sat down on the floor next to me. “Everyone grieves in their own way. Maybe he really needs the space.”

  “You think?” Did needing space mean leaving me completely in the dark? All I asked for was a second. Just a chance to see him.

  She shrugged. “What else can you do?”

  “Does that mean I need to leave?” I pulled my knees up to my chest.

  “You don’t have to do anything. You’re welcome here as Glen’s guest too…”

  “But I don’t want to be here if Kyle doesn’t want me here.” I stood up. “Will you call me if he comes out? Don’t upset him or ask him to call me himself, but let me know he’s okay.”

  She shook her head. “I can’t promise that.”

  “Why not?” Was she really going to be that way at a time like this?

  “Because I’m coming with you. Glen’s here. He’ll call us.”

  “You don’t have to come with me.”

  “Yes I do. Besides, Kyle isn’t going to want me around either.”

  “Well, I could use the company.” I was going to drive myself absolutely nuts otherwise.

  “Good.” She linked her arm with mine. “Because you’re going to get it.”

  We met up with Glen in the kitchen. “Hey, no change?”

  “Nope. Nothing.”

  The only thing keeping me from knocking down the door was that I heard him stir a few times. He was in there, but he didn’t seem any closer to letting me in.

  Glen rested his hand on the table. He was dressed now. “I’d try to talk to him, but he doesn’t know me that well. If he’s shutting you out, he’s going to do the same to me.”

  “I guess it can’t hurt for you to try.” I leaned against the kitchen counter. “I’m worried, and his family is too. I’m sure their tearing their hair out already. I forgot my phone at the house, but I bet I’ve missed some calls.”

  “You walked over here in the middle of the night without a phone?” Glen looked at me like I was crazy.

  “I wasn’t exactly in the best state of mind.”

  “Next time call me. Okay? You shouldn’t be walking around alone at night.”

  “I was running… but I know. I really couldn’t even think straight. I heard the news and had to get over here.”

  Glen walked over and patted my back. “I know. Like I said next time call me.”

  “I hope there never is a next time.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  I nodded. I didn’t have the energy to continue talking.

  “Let’s get going.” Savy waited with her hand out. “You need a shower.”

  “Are you saying I smell?”

  “No.” She shook her head. “I’m saying you look like you could use one.”

  “I promise I’ll keep you updated.” Glen gave me a hug as we headed to the door.

  “Thanks. Hopefully he was just waiting for me to leave.” It pained me to say the words out loud, but the important thing now was his wellbeing.

  Glen followed us to the door. “I’m going to try to make myself scarce. I don’t think this has anything to do with you. It’s him. He probably just wants to be alone.”

  I nodded. “All right. See you later.”

  Savy opened the door, and I slipped out slowly. Leaving Kyle’s apartment was hard. It felt like I was leaving him, and I had a feeling it was going to be hard to get close to him again.

  Savy and I walked quietly back toward the house. The morning was bright, but it was impossible to enjoy the nice weather. All I could think about was Kyle. And Dylan.

  “You holding up okay?” Savy touched my arm gently.

  “Define okay.”

  She sighed. “I know this is hard.”

  “It’s harder for Kyle.” I hurt just thinking about what he was going through.

  “He’s going to get through this. He’s lucky to have you.”

  “That’s what Glen said, but I don’t know if Kyle would agree. I’ve got this sinking feeling that I’ve lost him. That somehow any chance we had has slipped away.”

  “Don’t think that way. Right now you need to give him some space. We can see if we can find out anything about the funeral. You should probably send something since you know the family.”

  “Although I also lied to his family.”

  “They don’t know that, and really you weren’t lying. You were in love with Kyle before you went.”

  “Love? I’ve never told you that.” I’d only recently admitted it to myself.

  “But would you admit that’s how you feel now?”

  I nodded, doing everything I could to avoid the tears from falling again. “I wish I weren’t in love.”

  “We can’t choose who we love or when it happens.” She sounded wistful.

  “I wish we could.”

  “Life would be boring that way.”

  “What’s wrong with boring?” Boring was better than this. Anything was better than this.

  “You know the answer to that.” She linked her arm with mine again as we continued our slow walk.

  “Life is confusing and hard.”

  “It is. It’s also short.”

  “It is. I mean Dylan was only twenty-four or something.” Maybe it was his youth that made his death so hard for me to accept.

  “Do you know what happened?”

  “His car went off a bridge.”

  “Was it on purpose?”

  I shrugged. “Your guess is as good as mine.”


  “If it was on purpose that probably explains why Kyle is so upset. He probably feels like he should have done something.”

  “He did a lot for his brother, but their relationship was messed up. Dylan treated him awful. But maybe that makes this all worse. You know? It’s never easy to lose someone, but imagine if you hadn’t had the chance to say the things you wanted to say? Like unfinished business.”

  “It wouldn’t be easy.” Savy sighed. “What can I do to help you take your mind off it?”

  “I just want to fast forward through today and see Kyle.”

  “Unfortunately I left my time remote back at my parents’ house.”

  I laughed dryly. “So funny.”

  “Hey, I have to try to make you laugh or at least smile.”

  “Thanks for being here for me.”

  “You’re always there for me too. It’s what friends do.”

  I wiped my eyes with my sleeve. “Well, you’re a great friend.”

  She smiled and typed in the code to the house. I walked inside and slumped down on the couch. The thought of walking up the stairs seemed exhausting.

  Savy hesitated in the foyer. “I should have grabbed something for breakfast.”

  “There’s cereal and milk in the kitchen. I picked it up this weekend.” I pointed behind me.

  “Want me to pour you a bowl?”

  “No thanks, but get yourself some.” Food sounded horrible.

  “You sure?”

  I nodded. “Absolutely. I’ll eat later.”

  She drew her eyebrows in together. “All right, but you have to eat something soon. Starving isn’t going to help.”

  “I’ll have some lunch later or something.”

  “All right, but I’m holding you to it.” She headed into the kitchen. I was glad to have Savy with me, but part of me would have preferred to have been alone.

  My phone rang. I checked the screen before picking up. Disappointment engulfed me. It was Dana. Not only was it not Kyle, but now I had to admit that he wouldn’t see me.

  I swallowed hard before answering. “Hi.”

  “Hi, Jade. Have you seen him?” Dana sounded as tired as I did.

  “Nope. He wouldn’t let me in. I spent all night sleeping on the floor outside his door.”