The Hazards of Sleeping With a Friend

by Alyssa Rose Ivy

  “Outside, outside?”

  “No, inside the apartment but outside his room. His roommate let me in.” I guess that was something. I hadn’t spent the night out in the elements.

  “Kyle let you sleep out on the floor all night? That’s not Kyle.” Worry filled her voice.

  “He was understandably upset.”

  “Are you still at his place?” I heard what sounded like zipping. Maybe she was packing.

  “No. I decided to leave so he’d maybe leave his room to eat.”

  “Why wouldn’t he do that with you there?”

  “I wish I knew.” I let out a slow, deep breath.

  “I’m on my way to the airport. Are you going to try to see him again?”

  “I’m going to give him some space before trying again.” Not that it would be easy. Twenty minutes after leaving I was ready to turn back.

  “I’m going to preface this with a disclaimer that I haven’t slept in twenty-four hours and my cousin died, but were you and Kyle in a fight?”

  Blunt. “No. We were less in a fight than ever.”

  “Oh.”

  I wished I could see Dana’s face. Sometimes the phone was way too hard. I had no idea what she was thinking. “I’ll head back over in a few hours.” If I could hold out that long.

  “The funeral is on Thursday in Charleston. Hopefully he’ll be talking to people by then. Please keep me posted if you do see him. My flight leaves at three, but I have a layover in Atlanta.”

  “I’ll let you know if I see him.”

  “Thanks.” She paused. “Don’t give up on him.”

  “I wasn’t planning on it.” The bigger question was would he give up on me?

  I waited as long as I could before heading back over. Savy seemed to understand my need for quiet, so she kept herself busy while I took a quick shower and otherwise sat around worrying and working through every possible scenario of what would happen when I went back.

  Finally I couldn’t take any more waiting, and we headed back over.

  “Not to be a Debbie Downer, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up.” Savy bit her lip.

  “Meaning that he probably still won’t see me.” I stuffed my hands in my pocket to avoid biting my nails again.

  “We didn’t wait that long, and Glen never called which means he hasn’t come out. There isn’t any reason to think anything has changed yet.”

  “I know, but it feels better to be closer. Besides, I promised his cousin I’d try.” I was going there more for me than Dana, but it didn’t hurt to use her as an excuse. Not that Savy or Glen were going to ask for one.

  We reached the apartment and walked upstairs. I let out a deep breath while Savy knocked on the door. A minute later Glen pulled open the door. “Back already?”

  “She waited as long as she could.” Savy pointed at me. “I couldn’t let her sit there suffering anymore.”

  “I wish I had some good news on my end, but I don’t. It can’t hurt to try his door again though.”

  I nodded. “I’m going to.” I took slow and deliberate steps down the hall to his room. His door was of course still firmly closed.

  I knocked softly. “Kyle?”

  No response.

  “Please, Kyle. If you don’t want to see me, at least pick up your phone when your family calls. They’re worried. I’m worried.” The only reply I got was silence.

  “Please. Just say something. Anything.” I slid down to the floor. I couldn’t leave. I refused to walk away from him when he needed me most even if he didn’t want me at all. “I need to know you’re okay.”

  He said nothing, and I buried my face in my hands. “Kyle, you don’t have to go through this alone. I know you’re dealing with so much, let me help you.” I started crying again. I felt helpless.

  Then like a beacon of hope, I heard my name. “Jade.”

  “Kyle?” I stood up and put my ear to the door.

  “I’m fine. Please leave me alone. Move on.” His voice was scratchy and pained. He didn’t sound like Kyle at all.

  “Move on? What are you talking about? You want me to leave you alone for now, sure, but I’ll be back.” The tears streamed down my face. “I don’t care whether you want to be with me anymore, but I’m your friend whether you like it or not.”

  “Then be my friend and leave me alone. Don’t come back.” He turned on music, drowning me out.

  My tears went from a slow stream to an uncontrollable waterfall as I listened to the blaring music. It was an electronic pop song I usually loved, but I knew I’d never listen to again.

  I waited for a few minutes until Savy walked down the hall.

  “Come here.” She held out her hand.

  I accepted it and let her pull me into a hug.

  “He’s going to be okay. Just give him more time.” She held me while I cried.

  “But what if he’s not okay?” I stepped back.

  “He will be.”

  I wiped my eyes. “Even if he won’t talk to me, he has to talk to his family. His cousin says the funeral is Thursday.”

  “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but maybe you should let his family handle this now? You’ve tried your best. Now it’s their turn. Where is the funeral?”

  “It’s down here. His cousin said she’s flying down today.”

  “Then we’ll wait until they get here.” She patted my arm. “This doesn’t mean you’re giving up on him. Give him time to grieve. He’ll come around.”

  “Maybe you’re right.” I ran my hand through my hair that was still damp from the shower. “He’s made his feelings known, so it’s time to let him have the space he needs.”

  “You’re going to be okay. I know this is so hard on you though.” She squeezed my hand.

  “I’m going back to the house.”

  “I’ll walk you back.”

  I shook my head. “No. I need some time alone. I might call my mom.”

  “Text me when you get back to the house?”

  “What do you think is going to happen to me?”

  “Just do it, and I’m staying there tonight.”

  “You really don’t have to.” I turned and headed toward the door before I could change my mind. Walking away from Kyle hurt, but I had to do it. If he couldn’t recover with me around, I needed to get lost.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Jade

  I spent the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself. I couldn’t even get myself to call my mom. How could I explain to her how important Kyle was to me, and why it hurt so much that he wouldn’t let me help him? I’d skipped lunch like I’d skipped breakfast, which was why I was out hunting down something to eat in the middle of the afternoon. The only thing that sounded remotely good was a piece of pizza from the student center, so I took a slow walk over.

  I had maybe three bites of the pizza before I tossed it out and headed home. Maybe I’d get my appetite back the next day.

  The house came into view, and the first thing I noticed was someone sitting on the porch swing.

  As I walked closer, I was able to make out who it was. I slowed my pace, it wasn’t anyone I was ready to see. But there I was being selfish again. None of this had anything to do with me. I took a few moments to prepare myself before walking up the porch steps.

  “Grace. I am so sorry for your loss.” My words couldn’t come close to summing up what I really wanted to say to Kyle’s mom. Nothing I could come up with would be enough to cover what she was going through.

  She glanced up at me. Her eyes were red, and there was no question she’d been crying. She only nodded.

  “Is there anything I can do for you? Kyle isn’t here if that’s who you’re looking for.”

  “He won’t talk to me.” Her body shook.

  “What?” I sat down next to her, not sure what I was supposed to do. “He didn’t open the door for you either?”

  She shook her head. “He did, but it was like looking at a ghost. He told me to go away, that h
e had nothing to say, and he didn’t want to make things worse. He told his own mother to go away.”

  She’d seen him. That was more than I could say, but looking like a ghost? “I don’t understand… Kyle has to realize…”

  “He’s hurting. This is what he does when he hurts.”

  I knew Kyle so little compared to his mom so there was no reason to argue. I wished there was something I could do for this woman. Losing a child… I’d nearly broken in half with the miscarriage. This was so much worse.

  “But I can tell he’s beating himself up about this, it’s not just grief. But I don’t understand why. He won’t tell me anything.”

  “He’ll come around when the shock wears off.” I recycled the words Savy had used on me. They didn’t feel any better coming from my mouth.

  She turned to look at me. “Do you know about his depression, Jade? Has he ever told you?”

  “Depression?” Kyle had never mentioned it.

  She seemed pensive, like she was struggling for words. “He’s been on and off medication for years. You never know what’s going to set him off.”

  “He never told me.” What else had he never told me? I’d shared my deepest secret with him, yet he didn’t trust me with his.

  “He’s embarrassed.”

  “He shouldn’t be.” How could he believe I would think less of him for suffering from depression? I had enough of my own issues.

  “No, but that’s not why I’m here. I came by to see you because I need your help.” She took my hands in her.

  “You know I’ll do anything I can, but Kyle doesn’t want to see me.”

  “You have a better chance of getting through to him than me.”

  “No.” I shook my head. “You’re his mom. I’m not that important to him.”

  “You were important enough to bring to meet us. That’s big for Kyle. You need to get through to him. Get him to come out. He’ll regret it forever if he doesn’t go to the funeral.”

  It was time to come clean. I was done lying. “Grace, I know this probably isn’t the time, but you need to understand.”

  She held up a hand as if to stop me. “That you weren’t really dating.”

  My jaw dropped. “Did Kyle tell you?”

  “I knew from the beginning. A mother knows her sons.” Tears fell from her eyes as she said the words.

  “But you went along with it?”

  “I saw how happy you made Kyle. I wasn’t going to ruin that. I figured the two of you would figure things out eventually.”

  “We did.”

  “And I’m glad for that.” She squeezed my hands so tightly it almost hurt. “But right now I need you to help. I lost one of my sons. I can’t lose the other.”

  “I’ll try anything I can.” I fought back tears that threatened to spill. It wasn’t right to cry in front of Grace with all that she was going through. “But that doesn’t mean he’ll see me.” He’d made his feelings about that crystal clear.

  “When did you fall in love with him?” She locked eyes with mine.

  “I…” There was no point denying what I already knew, especially when she was going through so much heartbreak. “I knew what I felt was real at the lake, but I tried to deny it to myself. I really knew for sure last night when I slept outside his door. I thought I’d break in two if he didn’t let me in. I knew he was hurting yet I was powerless to help him.”

  Her eyes filled with tears again. “Maybe all you need to do is tell him that. Tell him exactly how you feel. It’s amazing how powerful a few words can be.”

  “I’ll get him to the funeral. I promise.” I wasn’t sure why I promised something I had no control over, but I didn’t see another option. Grace was right, Kyle would always regret missing it, and she needed him there. The whole family did.

  I was willing to admit the depth of my feelings to him and make myself vulnerable to help him. I was willing to do anything, but he needed to give me the chance.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Kyle

  I was letting everyone down. Everyone. Dylan was gone, and I’d hurt Jade. To make matters worse, I’d probably broken my mother’s heart even more than it was already, but I couldn’t handle any of it. I’d made the mistake of opening my door to face her, and it had nearly destroyed me. She was broken, destroyed by the loss of her golden son.

  Of everyone in my family, I had the best relationship with my mom, but even she knew how weak I was. It’s why she never pushed me about the family business like Dad did. Dad pretended to think I was stronger than I was.

  I waited until I heard the front door close before packing my bags. I had to get away from campus and town. I couldn’t hide out in my room forever, and I was going to go completely crazy if I did.

  I packed a small duffel bag and opened the door slowly. I heard Glen and Savy’s low voices coming from his room, so I made a run for it. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with either of them.

  “Kyle?” Glen called as I closed the door behind me. I hurried down to my car, hoping he wouldn’t follow.

  Of course he did. “Kyle, wait!”

  I reluctantly turned toward him. “Hi, I’m heading out of town for a while.”

  “I heard about your brother.”

  “Yeah, well.” I didn’t know what to say.

  “I’m really sorry, man.”

  I opened the car door. “Thanks.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “Away.”

  “Are you going to call Jade?”

  “No. I already told her to leave me alone. She’s a smart girl, she’ll take the hint.” I hated talking about her that way, but it would be easier if they weren’t fighting to keep us together. She needed all of her friends on her side. She’d been hurt before and made it through. She was a heck of a lot stronger than me. She’d be fine.

  “That’s cold.”

  “Yeah well, considering it took her weeks to decide I was worth more than sex it’s all right.” It wasn’t all right, and I knew it in the deepest part of my heart, but that didn’t change anything. It would be easier for everyone if I left for a while.

  “You know as well as I know that isn’t true. She was just scared.”

  “And I don’t have time to deal with any of that right now.” I got in my car and closed the door.

  Even through the closed window I heard him speak. “Don’t do this. Don’t run away from your problems.” Glen’s hand curled into a fist at his side.

  I turned on the car, hoping that gave him the hint that he needed to step back. He did.

  There was only one place I could go, and it would be a long drive to get there. A long drive was exactly what I needed. I needed time to process and forget.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Jade

  I called Kyle a few times. It was my chicken attempt at doing what I’d promised Grace. I didn’t have the nerve to go back to his apartment yet. I had no clue how I was going to convince him to speak to his mom again and go to the funeral, but I would even if it meant talking through a closed door.

  I couldn’t help but wonder why he’d never told me about the depression. I refused to get upset. He must have had his reasons. I didn’t believe he was embarrassed though. How could he ever be embarrassed with me? I’d never judged him for anything. But maybe it had nothing to do with reality. Like my fear of him leaving me if I gave a relationship a chance. Fear can change you and mess you up so much that you barely resemble the person you once were.

  My phone rang again, and this time I didn’t even consider that it could be Kyle. I knew that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.

  I glanced at the screen. It was Savy. “Hi.”

  “Jade…he left.”

  “What?” I jumped to my feet. I’d been sitting on the couch for hours. “What do you mean he left?”

  “He took off and literally left Glen in the dust.” Savy’s voice fell.

  “Did he say where he was going?” I chewed on my nails again. What was g
oing on? Where would Kyle go without telling anyone?

  “No. He just said he was getting out of town.”

  “Oh.” I stuffed my hand into my pocket. If I bit my nails anymore they’d be down to my cuticles.

  “I’m sorry, Jade. Glen tried to stop him, but he wouldn’t listen. And I’m sorry he’s taking this out on you.”

  “What do you mean he’s taking it out on me?” What was she getting at?

  “Well, he also said some not so nice stuff to Glen, but I don’t want to upset you.”

  “You’re already upsetting me.” I hated when people brought something up like that but didn’t follow through.

  “He made some comments about you getting the hint when he left.”

  “Great.” I was mad. I knew he was going through an absolutely horrible experience, but did he have to close me out that way? The anger begged to become hurt, but I wouldn’t let it. “He really didn’t give any hint of where he was going?”

  “No. Just that he wanted to get out of town.”

  I thought back to the night at the beach. “Do you think Glen would let me borrow his car?”

  “Probably, but why? Do you know where he is?”

  “I think so. I’m going to put some mileage on it. Is that okay?”

  “Here, talk to him.”

  “Jade?” Glen’s voice filled my ear. “What’s up?”

  “Can I borrow your car? I need to try to find him.”

  “Yes…” Glen answered slowly. “But try not to total it.”

  “Very funny.” I wasn’t in the mood for a joke.

  “When do you need it?”

  “As soon as possible.” I didn’t want to be pushy, but I couldn’t wait. I had to find Kyle.

  “All right. I’ll go fill up my car and bring it over to the Delta Mu house.”

  “You don’t have to do that.”

  “Yeah I do. I’ll see you in a few minutes.”

  I replaced my phone in my pocket and ran upstairs. Savy was lucky. She had a great boyfriend.

  I packed a bag and called Dana on my way downstairs. I couldn’t bare talk to Grace again until I’d done what I promised.