The Woulda Coulda Shoulda Guide to Canadian Inventions

by Red Green

  She then set her sights on designing sensible clothes for women in plus-sizes and having them made out of upholstery material—the tagline for her clothes was “We put the chest in chesterfield!” When she was unable to sell her designs to either haute couture boutiques or furniture stores, she decided to model them herself. She is pictured oppopsite wearing a ballroom gown made from upholstery that was a cotton/canvas blend. The outfit had double-stitched seams and came with arm covers, two throw cushions and a ten-year guarantee against mould and mildew. In the hope of getting more business, the salesman threw in the Scotchgarding, which was a bonus because Eleanor loved Scotch.

  She wore the gown to the Governor’s Ball, but was shocked to discover the governor’s chairs were covered with exactly the same material (also pictured opposite). She suspected that the upholsterer had made her dress out of leftover fabric and asked the governor where he had purchased the chairs.

  Unfortunately, he had forgotten to turn on his hearing aids and sat on her. She abandoned the upholstery-clothing business and went on a diet instead. Years later, the governor confided that Eleanor had always been his favourite recliner.

  VARIABLE-PITCH PROPELLER

  Wallace Rupert Turnbull

  Wallace Rupert Turnbull was born in Saint John, New Brunswick, on October 16, 1870. Yet another inventor from the Maritimes. Must be the abundance of sea air and free time.

  As a boy, Wally was always interested in aeronautics. By the time he was thirty-two he had built the first wind tunnel in Canada. Betcha didn’t see that one coming. Which, incidentally, is the kind of thing you hear someone say in a wind tunnel. He received a medal from the Royal Aeronautical Society in 1909. He would have received it sooner but it blew away.

  But it wasn’t until 1927 that his most significant invention was tested: the variable-pitch propeller. Stop yawning. This was a big deal. Turnbull’s variable-pitch propeller allowed the angle at which the blades spun to be changed, making taking off and landing much easier and more fuel-efficient. I bet you wouldn’t have thought of that.

  A lot of books on inventions would leave out stuff like the variable-pitch propeller, but that’s not the way we roll. Okay, maybe it’s not an iron lung or a credible toupee, but it still deserves to be here. And what kind of a message does it send to our young people if we only recognize inventions that people care about?

  The variable-pitch propeller is giving each of us a better life. Unless we never travel or ship anything by air. But even if we don’t, we get the benefit of quieter skies because of Wally’s little gizmo. Props make more noise when they’re cutting more air. Remember your grandfather? Same thing.

  So come down off your high horse and give Mr. Turnbull his due. If it wasn’t for him, we’d all be dealing with single-pitch propellers. Imagine what kind of hell that would be.

  —

  Isaac Fluster of Possum Lake was an avid aviator and blue-sky thinker. While he had never gone to any type of flying school, he knew a guy who knew a guy who could get him an airplane of some kind, so he bought it and immediately became the most qualified bush pilot in the Possum Lake area.

  Isaac’s plane, the Fig Newton, was a four-propeller B-29 bomber. He added large storage tanks so he could use it to dust crops and put out forest fires. But his labelling on the release valves was hard to read, so he often would dump twenty tons of liquid fertilizer onto a forest fire or drop ten thousand gallons of water onto a tomato crop. On one particularly memorable forest fire run, he pulled the wrong valve and dumped 2,500 gallons of aviation fuel into what up until that moment had been a manageable fire.

  Isaac Fluster, Bush Pilot

  The good news is that the immediate geometric increase in the size of the blaze assured Isaac of at least three more weeks of work. But of more immediate importance to him was the fact that he was now flying without fuel. Or as it’s called in the aviation business, “gliding.” This quickly turned into “diving” and then “crashing.”

  Although Isaac survived the crash, it detached two of his engines and one of his retinas. With his other eye, Isaac decided to see this in a positive light. He had become aware of Turnbull’s variable-pitch propeller technology and, unencumbered by any education or humility, figured he could improve on it. Why would you stop at ten, thirty or even ninety degrees of adjustment when we all know there are 180 available?

  So Isaac remounted the engines, but added gearing to the props so that their pitch could be adjusted 180 degrees. In other words, he could make them go from full forward to neutral to full reverse. He thought it would be a great stunt at the Possum Lake Air Show if, as he was flying over the crowd, he could put the two starboard engines into full reverse. And in fairness, it was a spectacle the survivors will never forget.

  Isaac did a low-level pass over the stands doing about sixty knots when he adjusted the prop pitch and threw the starboard engines into full reverse. Even the oldtimers said they had never before seen a B-29 spin like a Frisbee, but unfortunately the manoeuvre caused the plane to replace its lift with drop.

  Spectators who had remained a sensible distance away said, “It was an impressive routine, but he didn’t exactly stick the landing.” We’ve all heard that science is a great teacher, and on that day, Isaac and a large portion of the Possum Lake residents got a crash course in physics.

  WALKIE-TALKIE

  Donald Lewis Hings

  Donald Lewis Hings was born in England in 1907, and came to Canada when he was three. At that age he could barely walkie or talkie. He messed around with electronics and communication on and off for the next twenty-nine years until, at the age of thirty-two, Donald filed for a patent for his portable radio system, which later became known as the walkie-talkie.

  While he was waiting for the patent to be approved, Canada declared war on Germany. Donald was afraid his adopted country was overestimating the impact of his invention, but he later found out the two events were unrelated. Donald was sent to Ottawa, where he spent the next six years developing the walkie-talkie for military use. And eventually for every nerdy kid in the world.

  If you go through the list of inventions in this book, it’s amazing to me how many of them are somehow related to finding ways for people to share information or feelings or art. From the foghorn to AM radio to IMAX, and of course the telephone, it’s not hard to tell that man is a social animal. Not every man and certainly not every Lodge member, but overall, people like to know they’re not alone and that others are trying to ease their burden by either warning them of impending danger or sharing a song or a laugh or warning them of an impending song or a laugh. You gotta admit that most of us like to have somebody to talk to. Even miserable grumps would be lost without someone to hang up on.

  —

  While we have to salute the ingenuity and intelligence of Mr. Hings, the real bonus that came from the walkie-talkie was its new approach to communication. In order to limit the size and weight of each walkie-talkie unit, and also to remove the possibility of feedback, which happens whenever a live microphone gets too close to a speaker—or an in-law gets too close to a marriage—Donald ingeniously wired the speaker in such a way that when the talk button was pushed, the speaker became a microphone. It turned back into a speaker when the talk button was released.

  That made it more than just an invention, it also was sending out a series of social statements. For starters, the default position of the walkie-talkie is listening mode, which flies in the face of thousands of years of human behaviour. For most people, the default position is talking or yelling or semi-comatose. Changing that to constantly being in listening mode was revolutionary and the kind of change that only a military environment could push through.

  Next, because of the function of the talk button, you had to use a set of signals and codes to make the walkie-talkie work properly. With a telephone, which has a mouthpiece and an earpiece working at the same time, conversation is about the same as being right there with the person. Not so with the walkie-tal
kie. Because you can’t hear them while you’re talking, it’s very possible to be talking away, only to find nobody’s listening. You married women know what I mean.

  So it was necessary to start with a short message to confirm that the intended person was listening. And inviting them to engage. The rule was for the caller to repeat the name of the recipient three times. “George. George. George. This is Martha. Come in.” At which point, Martha would release the talk button so she could hear George’s response: “Martha, this is George.”

  And then, according to the rules, George was obliged to say a code word that indicated that he was finished talking and was in full listening mode. That word is over.

  And until Martha says the word over, George has to just listen—not interrupt, not make comments, not argue, not make excuses, just stand there and take it like a man. “George, I was emptying your pockets before doing the laundry and found a receipt for some kind of dune buggy or four-by-four or tractor or something and I’m wondering what that’s all about. Over.”

  “It was supposed to be a surprise. Over.”

  “It was. Over.”

  “You’re not mad, are you? Over.”

  “George, this is not the first time. Remember the submarine and the hot-air balloon? Over.”

  “I’ll sell them. Over.”

  “It’s too late. I don’t want to do this anymore, George. Over.”

  “What does that mean? Are you saying it’s over? Over.”

  “Yes…Over and out.”

  Apparently, even a walkie-talkie couldn’t put George in a listening mode.

  —

  In an obvious attempt to get his name in the Guinness Book of World Records, local wingnut Eddy O’Bromowich used a walkie-talkie tuned to channel 16 to send the most ridiculous message ever received by RCMP Emergency Services. Here is the transcript of the call:

  Edward “Fast Eddy” O’Bromowich, Owner of the World’s Shortest Ties Credit 73

  EDDY: Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

  RCMP: Come in. Over.

  EDDY: It’s a beautiful May day. Over.

  RCMP: Can I help you, sir? Over.

  EDDY: My dog is missing. Over.

  RCMP: Not really our department. Over.

  EDDY: I don’t know s else to turn. Over.

  RCMP: What is the dog’s name? Over.

  EDDY: Rover. Over.

  RCMP: What does Rover look like? Over.

  EDDY: Medium-sized, brown, and he is wearing a sweater. Over.

  RCMP: A turtleneck? Over.

  EDDY: Pullover. Over.

  RCMP: Does he respond to any commands?

  EDDY: Just roll over. Over.

  RCMP: Where was the dog last seen? Over.

  EDDY: Port Dover. Over.

  RCMP: Do you live in Port Dover? Over.

  EDDY: No. Hanover. Over.

  RCMP: How did you lose track of the dog? Over.

  EDDY: I laid down on a bench. Over.

  RCMP: So you were having a sleep. Over.

  EDDY: No, I had dropped my comb. Over.

  RCMP: Where did you last see the dog in Port Dover? Over.

  EDDY: The Water Street bridge. Over.

  RCMP: On the bridge? Over.

  EDDY: No, under. Over.

  RCMP: We’ll send an officer over. Over.

  EDDY: What’s his name? Over.

  RCMP: Constable Grover. Over.

  EDDY: Thanks. Over.

  RCMP: I’ll need to file a report. Please confirm that these facts are correct. I am dispatching Constable Grover to find Rover from Hanover wearing a pullover and missing in Port Dover. Over.

  EDDY: Roger that. Over.

  RCMP: And don’t call me Shirley.

  THE WONDERBRA

  Moses Nadler

  Wonderbra 1952 Version Credit 74

  The Wonderbra was first introduced to Canada by Moses “Moe” Nadler of the Montreal-based Canadian Lady Corset Company in 1939. He bought the name and the trademark from the U.S. and had the company’s design team take it from there.

  Over the next thirty years it became a huge hit as tastes shifted from girdles and corsets to a simpler, more comfortable bra. At least until the ’60s, when everyone and everything was set free and women took a match to their bras, putting that “flame-retardant” label to the test.

  Moses and his son Larry brought the Wonderbra to Europe and eventually the USA, and everywhere they went they would adapt the design to suit the attitudes and attributes of the women who wore them and the men who served as observers. Decades ahead of its time, the Wonderbra was really the first all-natural form of breast enhancement.

  Remember the days when it was taboo to even mention underwear. It was like we could only discuss the exterior of anything, especially ourselves. Everything beyond the outer layer of clothing was private. The nether regions were even referred to as “privates”—probably not in a military sense, because those kinds of privates do what they’re told.

  For a long, long time it was fashionable to be modest. Nobody would dare discuss their underwear, much less have it on display. And for a lot of people, any naked body other than their own was strictly and permanently out of bounds. And yet these same people had big families, so they were either leading a double life or things they did in the dark didn’t count. I don’t know where we’re headed in the future, but I hope we don’t get there before I do.

  I’m not comfortable being around people who talk about their underwear or want to show it to me or want me to somehow adjust it. I appreciate a woman with a beautiful figure, but I don’t care how she does it.

  —

  Let’s be honest, the Wonderbra has to be the easiest invention ever. It’s simple engineering, you’ve got a guaranteed market for the product and there are millions of teenaged boys who will volunteer to do the research for free. I bet the guys in the fitting room never missed a shift.

  —

  Herb Nordell, Lodge Member and Brassiere Enthusiast Credit 75

  But in all fairness, the credit for the Wonderbra should have gone to local resident Herb Nordell, who used the same engineering and design to create similar products way before anyone else. Herb’s problem was that he was not preoccupied with the female form, a lifestyle that was also years ahead of its time. He got the idea for his invention when his mother made a mistake while knitting caps for two-year-old local twins Rob and Robert Schlemmer. Instead of making the caps separately, she just knitted continuously from one to the other with the intention of cutting the middle chinstrap later.

  The parents stopped her from doing that because they liked the idea of the two caps attached together.

  It made the twins easier to find in a crowd, and it supported the theory that two heads are better than one. It also made them deadly at games of red rover. The twins had always been close, but with the caps on, they were inseparable. Literally.

  When Herb saw the caps, he instinctively knew the design could be used in a better way. His mind went immediately to football.

  Herb had never been much of an athlete, but he was allowed to be the Ball Boy of the Possum Lake football team. (He preferred to be called the Equipment Manager, so everyone called him the Ball Boy.) Herb soon became aware that it was very difficult to carry more than two footballs at a time. He figured he could solve that using the cap design. All he had to do was make the cups out of a stronger material, like cotton, add a couple of straps to use as handles, and the football bra was born.

  Herb knew that he needed some type of quick-release clasp on the bra so that the footballs could be released easily. Something that could be done with one hand. He added a double hook and eye attached to the ends of elastic straps. All Herb had to do was slip a cup onto each end of the football, engage the hooks and pick the unit up by the carrier straps.

  With this new system, Herb could carry four balls in each hand.

  The next step was to have different sizes, as not all footballs are the same. Herb created the A, the double-A, the tripl
e-A, the NFL and the Super Bowl. The CFL has even bigger balls, so Herb came out with his largest bra ever, the Grey Cups.

  The concept never caught on, but Herb was named Local Inventor of the Year by his mom. A few years after the taunting died down, Herb decided that the flaw in his approach was that he was thinking too small. Or maybe not at all. In any case, he decided to go big or go home. And he should have gone home.

  Instead, he used the football bra technology and supersized it into a self-propelled amusement park ride for kids of all ages. With an old swing set, a couple of pup tents and thirty feet of rubber, the Swing Bra was born. The first step is to remove the swings from a swing set, leaving the large A-frame of pipes.

  Use a front-end loader—or a group of friends who have no lives—to reposition the A-frame so that it’s about twenty-five feet from something firmly attached to the ground, like a tree or a telephone pole or a really fat guy.

  Next, assemble the two pup tents, turn them over and cut out the floors.

  Now attach two adjacent corners of the pup tent together, reminiscent of the twins’ knitted caps.

  Now you’ll need some type of strong straps (fire hoses work great and are easy to swipe while the firemen are upstairs playing pinochle). From the upper corner of each tent, run the straps up and over the A-frame and connect them to the two outside corners of the pup tents. That way, they will lift and separate. From one of those same corners, run your strip of rubber around the pole and attach it to the other corner. Shorten the length so that it holds the tents up but allows them to hang right.