The Woulda Coulda Shoulda Guide to Canadian Inventions
Page 17
And it’s just that easy. Get a friend or acquaintance or somebody who owes you money. Each of you gets into a pup tent. Together you walk into the tents backwards, creating tension in the pole strap, and then just lift your feet and get this party started.
Herb built the Swing Bra right next to the cenotaph in downtown Possum Lake, and he and his buddies had a lot of fun with it until the cops showed up. Herb was forced to dismantle the swing and abandon the concept and design. Sad that he had the whole brassiere thing right there in his hands but couldn’t see it.
They say it was his own fault. At the height of the Swing Bra project, when Herb and his pal were swinging away to beat the band, a passerby turned to his partner and said, “Look at those boobs!” Herb was oblivious.
Take the following quiz to find out if you have what it takes to be the next great Canadian inventor.
CHOOSE ONE
(Please do NOT choose both)
Do you read books about stuff? Yes No
Do people generally think of you as smart? Yes No
Are you consistently in the top third of your class? Yes No
Do you have any post-secondary school education? Yes No
Do you have any post-elementary school education? Yes No
When playing a sport that needs ten people on each team, are you often picked between first and ninth? Yes No
Do you like to entertain people? Yes No
Do you like to educate people? Yes No
Do you like to socialize with people? Yes No
Do you like people? Yes No
Do people like you? Yes No
Are you successful in most things you attempt? Yes No
Do you ever get lonely? Yes No
Would you call yourself a team player? Yes No
Do you see value in research to find out what the majority of people want and/or need? Yes No
Does it bother you when you are called a moron? Yes No
Are you interested in acquiring tremendous wealth? Yes No
Are you interested in acquiring modest wealth? Yes No
Are you interested in scraping by? Yes No
Are you interested in anything other than your invention? Yes No
Are you Canadian? Yes No
RESULTS: If you answered yes to anything but the last question, you have almost no chance of being an inventor. However, if that declaration doesn’t bother you, you may still have a chance.
IMAGE CREDITS
1 AP Photo / Ron Kuntz
2 Canada Dept. of National Defence / Library and Archives Canada
3 Library of Congress Prints and Photographs Division
4 Library and Archives Canada
5 Library of Congress Prints and Photographs Division
6 The Royal Society / cc via Flickr
7 Library of Congress, George Grantham Bain Collection
8 Johannes von Gmunden, Calendar, 15th century
9 AirIntake / cc via Wikimedia Commons
10 Library of Congress, George Grantham Bain Collection
11 NASA
12 Library and Archives Canada
13 Ottawa Citizen / Wayne Cuddington
14 Library of Congress Prints and Photographs Division
15 National Library of Australia
16 Reckitt Benckiser / oldadsarefunny.blogspot.ca
17 The Field Museum Library
18 Gisela Francisco / cc via Wikimedia Commons
19 Badi’ al-Zaman ibn al-Razzaz al-Jazari, “The Elephant Clock,” from A Book of the Knowledge of Ingenious Mechanical Devices, 14th century. The Met, Bequest of Cora Timken Burnett, 1956.
20 William James Topley / Library and Archives Canada
21 Smithsonian Institution Archives
22 Library of Congress Prints and Photographs Division
23 Niall Williams / cc via Flickr
24 ullstein bild via Getty Image
25 The Illustrated London News, 1875.
26 Library of Congress Prints and Photographs Division
27 Alno / cc via Wikimedia Commons 89: © Leslie Banks / Dreamstime.com
28 Library and Archives Canada, © Canada Post Corporation
29 Library and Archives Canada
30 Smithsonian Institution Archives
31 © Photka / Dreamstime.com
32 Johann H. Addicks / cc via Wikimedia Commons
33 Gunnar Creutz / cc via Wikimedia Commons
34 Arthur Farrell, Hockey: Canada’s Royal Winter Game, 1899.
35 Preus Museum
36 NASA Goddard Space Flight Center
37 Australian National Maritime Museum, Samuel J. Hood Studio Collection
38 CBC Still Photo Collection
39 Chris Rand / cc via Wikimedia Commons
40 Arthur S. Goss / Library and Archives Canada
41 Tom Watson / NY Daily News Archive via Getty Images
42 The Met, Gift of Joel Snyder, 1994
43 McCord Museum / cc via Flickr
44 Library of Congress Prints and Photographs Division
45 ver abajo / cc via Wikimedia Commons
46 The Finnish Museum of Photography
47 McGarva Photo Collection of Pictou County Characters
48 Ltisdall / cc via Wikimedia Commons
49 angela n / cc via Flickr
50 Photocapy / cc via Flickr
51 Jim Rees / cc via Wikimedia Commons
52 Library of Congress Prints and Photographs Division
53 Guilhem Vellut / cc via Flickr
54 Peter Burger / cc via Wikimedia Commons
55 Milton Historical Society / Halton Images
56 Library of Congress Prints and Photographs Division
57 Archives Montreal / cc via Flickr
58 Cardiff Council Flat Holm Project / cc via Flickr
59 National Film Board of Canada / Library and Archives Canada
60 Library and Archives Canada
61 Library of Congress, C.M. Bell Studio Collection
62 Library and Archives Canada
63 Johnny Silvercloud / cc via Flickr
64 Bettmann / Getty Images
65 Smithsonian Institution Archives
66 Hockey Hall of Fame / Library and Archives Canada
67 University of Washington Libraries, Digital Collections
68 Library of Congress Prints and Photographs Division
69 Basil Zarov / Library and Archives Canada
70 Scott / cc via Flickr
71 Heterodyne at English Wikipedia / cc via Wikimedia Commons
72 Moffett Studio / Library and Archives Canada
73 McGarva Photo Collection of Pictou County Characters
74 Mattnad / cc via Wikimedia Commons
75 Bergen Public Library
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I can’t take all the credit for the writing of this book. Well I could, but the lawyers are strongly advising against it. So in the interest of avoiding a series of expensive frivolous lawsuits that would probably not end well, I would like to acknowledge and thank, or possibly just acknowledge, Steve Smith and David T. Smith for their research and writing contributions on this project. I’m not exactly sure how much of the book they wrote but it’s somewhere between 90% and 101%. I could have written the whole book myself but I think this was a better choice and I know the publisher agrees with that. In any case, I got my name on the cover and they didn’t so who cares?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Red Green is a self-appointed master handyman and outdoors-man, a weekly participant in Canada’s socialized medical system, and a firm believer that no repair job should outlive you. He enjoys taking things that were intended for one purpose and using them for something completely different.
He is oblivious to failure. (Something that could change once he experiences success.)
He is either the youngest old man or the oldest young man you will ever meet.
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