Saving Toby

by Suzanne McKenna Link

  “You going to have some kids of your own one day?” Felicia asked, following me up the stairs.

  “Hadn’t really thought about it. But I like kids, especially this little guy.”

  “You’re real good with Dylan,” she said, as we got into Al Junior’s old bedroom. “Once that girl goes off to college, what do you think about coming back to Florida? We can go in on a place together, and you can help me take care of him.” She stood next to me and watched as I put Dylan in the crib. I tucked the little guy in and patted his back, thinking it would be cool to be around him all the time.

  Felicia touched my arm. “Raising a kid alone is hard. I could use help.”

  I felt bad for Felicia. My brother had messed up—and not that I thought Al would play the ‘dad role’ so well—but Felicia was taking care of their kid on her own. The idea of helping out with my nephew sounded fine, but I couldn’t imagine putting myself any further away from Claudia.

  When Claudia had breaks from school, she’d come here, to Sayville, to be with her dad, April and me. And Julia, too. If I got settled in Florida again, it might be difficult to get back up here, especially on the holidays when Claudia was most likely to come home.

  Just the thought of going back to that humidity was enough to put me in a bad mood.

  “I have a pretty good thing going with Claudia and—”

  Felicia interrupted. “I don’t know what you see in that girl. She’s too highbrow. And weird. I mean, I was talking to her about you in the kitchen and she never even said you guys were together. If you were my guy, I would have said, ‘honey, you just back the hell off. He’s with me.’ But not her, she kept quiet.”

  “Claudia’s different. She doesn’t act like that.” I leaned against the crib and turned to face her. “I’m sorry, but I’m going to stay here. I need to be here when she comes back from school.”

  “Back? You think once she gets a taste of that California lifestyle she’s going to come back here? To this?” She waved her hand around, including me in ‘this.’ “Toby, don’t kid yourself. She’ll find herself a Malibu Ken and never look back.”

  I didn’t like what she was saying or how she was saying it. “She’s coming back. She promised.”

  “Come on. You know yourself what happens when you leave the Island. At first, you promise you’ll come back—and you actually mean it. But then you tell yourself you’re too busy or you can’t afford it. And then before you know it, a year has passed, then two. Suddenly it’s easier not to look back, not to miss it. Any of it.”

  Her eyes met mine, and she pursed her lips. “Truth sucks. But here’s your reality check: smart girls don’t have happy-ever-afters with guys like you and your brother.” She laid a hand on my arm like she was trying to comfort me. “You’re more likely to end up with someone like me. Someone who doesn’t expect much more than a steady paycheck and a really good lay.”

  I shoved her hand away. “Just shut up. Maybe that’s your and Al’s version of a dream life, but I’m not anything like my brother. And you don’t know a damn thing about what I want.”

  Dylan wiggled about and made a little whimpering sound.

  Felicia’s eyes sparked. “Unless you want to rock him back to sleep, be quiet!” she hissed, pushing me away from the crib. “I didn’t realize how whipped you were, you poor bastard. Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Clucking her tongue, she twisted away sharply. “I’m going out for a smoke.”

  I went to my room and tried to fall back to sleep, but I couldn’t stop thinking about what Felicia had said. Even as I cursed her for it, I knew what she’d said was a real possibility. Claudia might not come back for me.

  I’d never wanted a long term relationship with any girl because everyone I’d been with wanted me to fill some missing part of their life. To make the world right for them. My own world was so far off-kilter, the best I could do for them was distract them from their own unhappiness for a few months. I was good at physical diversion, but eventually, they cut me loose because I couldn’t provide what they really wanted. Love. I couldn’t give what I didn’t feel.

  Love, to me, was a backhanded slap from my father, a chokehold from my brother, and my mother’s shattered tears. Love opened you up to hurt. After the anger had spent itself and everyone concerned went back to ignoring each other, you might be fooled enough to think, Hey, the punishment is over—only to get another beat down. Finally, you learned your lesson. You kept your distance, prepared for the next strike.

  What Claudia and I had was different. She didn’t need me to save her, but that was its own problem. Unlike me, she was on her way up in the world. Going away meant she’d be surrounded by smart college guys—guys who were going to be doctors and engineers. Guys who would be a better match for her.

  Yeah, so I signed up for some bogus computer classes—the same classes I could have taken in BOCES during high school. Had I been a little more motivated, I’d already be so much further ahead than just delivering shit for minimum wage and tips. Right now, the best I could hope for was old Abe promoting me to head stock boy. He’d probably rather stand before a firing squad than give me a raise.

  Fact was, I needed Claudia more than she needed me.

  It was the first time I worried I might lose a girl. Even though she said she loved me, I wasn’t foolish enough to think it guaranteed anything.

  I lay in my bed, alone and missing her. I missed Claudia like I’d never missed anyone before. I didn’t realize I’d fallen asleep until I woke to Dylan crying from down the hallway.

  I looked at the clock. Damn, I was already late for work. I called in and spoke to Abe, then went down to make coffee. Felicia was in the kitchen picking up all the baby stuff that somehow was scattered through every room in the house. She and the baby would be with us for another day before they left to visit one of Felicia’s friends and fly back. I played with the little guy, but Felicia and I barely talked.

  Claudia would still be in the air, almost to California by now. On my way to my room, I was checking Claudia’s flight status on my phone when Julia stopped me atop the stairs.

  “What?” I asked, annoyed at the interruption before I realized how tired she looked. I tried to squash my anger.

  “Felicia seems upset. What happened between you two?”

  “Nothing.” I wiped my face on my shirt sleeve. I wished we had central air like the Chiamettis. The small bedroom a/c window units cooled only the sleeping areas. The rest of the house felt like an oven.

  “Where were you last night?”

  “Nowhere.”

  “Toby,” she eyed me. “What’s going on?”

  “Christ, I just want to be left alone,” the answer left my mouth before I could tame it.

  “Don’t use the Lord’s name in vain,” Julia scolded, and then looked at my cell screen and saw the airline website. “Claudia land yet?”

  I looked down at my feet and exhaled, “Soon. I’m waiting to hear from her.”

  Julia patted my back just as Dylan squealed downstairs. She turned her head to listen.

  “I love having family in the house again.” A little smile hung on her lips. “I think my cancer was a blessing,” she said.

  “And just how do you figure that?”

  “Our lives are full again. First, you came home, then Claudia joined us. And now,” she continued, “Dylan is here.”

  The visit had been great. The little guy had warmed up to Julia, and she was eating him up. As I looked at Julia’s tired but happy face, I wondered why this all had seemed impossible to do in the past. I knew the change had a lot to do with Claudia.

  Suddenly Julia’s eyes glossed over, and she got that far-away look.

  I squinted at her. “What’re you thinking about?”

  “I just wish your father had lived to see our grandchild, too.”

  That was not the answer I’d anticipated. As far as I was concerned, the kid was lucky my father wasn’t around. Who needed him? She seemed to be thin
king about Big Al a lot lately. The other day, I walked in on her talking to him, out loud, as if she were having a whole live conversation with him. She stopped when she saw me. I was kind of embarrassed for her and hadn’t mentioned it. It wasn’t hard to see she was more emotional than usual. That she wished Big Al was here slammed me back into a mood. Talking about family memories was like a trip on bad acid. Going to work was almost a relief.

  I decided after work I would go to Ray’s to get the latest scoop on his court hearing. Feeling tense, I considered stopping at the gas station to buy a pack of bogies. There was no traffic as I made the turn onto Railroad Avenue heading south towards Main Street, but a small import came flying over the railroad tracks and rode my tail up the road. Swearing, I braked in the middle of the street and stepped out of the Jeep. I clenched my fists and, fixing my glare on the young driver, started towards his little blue car to show him what I thought of his obnoxious driving. The kid’s eyes went wide. He hurried to shift the car into reverse, rounding into a sloppy three-point turn and then sped back north.

  Denied that outlet for my foul mood, I wanted a cigarette even more, but since I was already late for work, I decided to skip it.

  28. Claudia

  In the car, on the way to the airport, I was still exhilarated over all that had happened the night before, right up to my Romeo and Juliet balcony scene with Toby escaping out my bedroom window earlier that morning.

  Dad was somber when he hugged me goodbye. He wasn’t used to having so little control over what I did—and it was easy to see, he didn’t like it.

  “I didn’t originally want you to go, but I think being away will give you some much needed breathing space from that guy,” he said.

  “That guy’s name is Toby,” I replied with a huff.

  I thought a lot about Toby on the plane. First, I thought about how our long distance relationship would work. But that was easy—as long as I threw myself into my studies, without any distractions, I would excel. Toby and I could still talk on the phone and over the Internet. Maybe he would even visit me. I daydreamed about how it would be when I came home on holidays and for the summer. I imagined the homecomings would be great, romantic reunions for us. I would have both my mind and heart’s desire.

  As soon as my plane touched down at the airport in Los Angeles, I called Toby.

  “I’m here!” I announced. “My mother is picking me up, and we’re going directly to the campus.”

  “Good,” he replied, with little excitement. When he didn’t say anything more, I wondered if something had happened.

  I rushed to fill in the silence. “How’s Dylan? And your mom?”

  “They’re fine. Everybody is fine,” he grumbled and then said, “I can’t talk. I got into work late this morning, and Abe’s on the warpath. Call me later.”

  “Yes, of course,” I said. And more quietly, “I love you.”

  I heard something like ‘okay’ or ‘sure.’ I realized he’d not actually said those three words to me yet.

  “Say it back,” I demanded.

  “Claude, I’m at work,” he reminded me, but then, in a small voice he said, “I miss you.”

  I’d hoped for more, but knowing how anguished he had been about work lately, I let it go. It would have to be enough to know he felt more than he was willing to say.

  “I miss you more,” I whispered.

  “Impossible,” he remarked wryly. “No one here laughs at my jokes. When I tried to kiss Marie this morning, she smacked me.”

  “Serves you right for trying to kiss anyone but me,” I told him. “Now practice saying the ‘l’ word while I’m gone, tough guy. I want to hear it when I get home.”

  “I’ll try, Claude,” he said, sounding relieved. “Talk to you tonight.”

  The sun was shining as I stepped onto a walkway leading up to Hahn Central Plaza at the University of Southern California’s main campus. I stared at the scene before me. It was one of the most beautiful views ever—a myriad of architecturally inspiring brick buildings. The sense of being in a place completely immersed in classrooms, books, computers, professors, and all things scholarly, made me feel warm and fuzzy all over.

  Academia. I loved school. Here I was, making this learning atmosphere my new home. A new adventure, written just for me.

  The transfer student orientation kept me busy with group exercises, paperwork, tours, and faculty meet and greets. Though I made several new friends, there was little time to have a complete thought. The day’s events left me seriously exhausted, but when I got back to the temporary dorm, the girls I was rooming with—Kate, Misha and Emily—stayed up all hours talking. I barely remembered going to bed.

  When I opened my eyes, it was morning, and I realized that I’d never called Toby. I grabbed my phone and saw I had missed several of his calls.

  “Where were you?” he barked into the phone. “You said you’d call me last night before you went to bed. Remember?”

  He’d never spoken to me like that before.

  “I’m sorry. It was such a busy day. Some of the girls and I were talking, and I guess I fell asleep.”

  “Well, I hope you had a good time,” he snapped.

  Annoyed, I replied flippantly, “I did.”

  He made a growling noise.

  “Stuff like this is going to happen from time to time, and I’m not going to defend myself,” I objected. “You’re going to have to learn how to deal with it.”

  “Shit. Shit. Shit,” I could hear him muttering under his breath.

  “Why are you so angry?”

  “Why? 'Cause you’re there and I’m here. 'Cause I wanted to talk to you last night. 'Cause my job is shitty. 'Cause I feel like you’re moving forward and I’m standing still.” The long stream of annoyances rushed out on a breath. There was a pause before he sighed.

  More calmly, he said, “I’m in a lousy mood. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m practically crawling the walls.”

  I chewed on my lower lip. “I’ll be back next week.” He already knew this, but I was trying my best to remain optimistic. “We’ll spend as much time together as possible before I leave to start the semester. And then you’ll start classes at Suffolk. You’ll be busy, too. It’ll work out.”

  “Claude, I have a better idea,” he said. “Now that Julia’s getting better, I could come out to L.A. I’ll find a job, get an apartment, and then we can be together. You could stay with me on the weekends.”

  My back stiffened at the suggestion of the semi living together arrangement. This was supposed to be my experience.

  “No, no,” I murmured, my emotions warring. “Don’t put me in this position.”

  “What ‘position’?” he asked, stiffly. “Having your stupid fucking boyfriend around?”

  “Jeez, don’t talk like that,” I snapped, irritated again. “I only meant I would have to divide my time between you and school.”

  “Oh, I get it. You don’t want me getting in your way over there.”

  “It isn’t like that!” It was exactly like that.

  “Yeah, right,” he said, his voice like stone. “I gotta go to work.”

  “Toby!”

  The line went dead, and I stared blankly at my cell. I dialed him right back. Straight to voicemail.

  In the sudden quiet, and all alone, I felt miserable. I missed home. I missed Toby. I started to wonder what I was doing. Could I really do this—be separated, so far away from the guy I loved and everything I knew—for most of the year?

  When I thought about how much I’d gone through to get here, the only answer was yes. I’d wanted this for so long. Too long. I couldn’t wimp out and throw away this opportunity. I had to be strong.

  I quietly began my second day on campus. Maybe Toby just needed some time. I hoped he would be in a better mood later.

  Two days later, with orientation out of the way, I went to stay with my mother at her apartment in downtown San Diego to spend the rest of the week.

  Toby had
n’t called me, not once, since he hung up on me. I’d left him a zillion messages and texts. I reasoned that he couldn’t possibly be that angry with me. Something must have happened with Devlin, or worse, Toby’s mother. I decided to call Mrs. Faye. At least if I got hold of her, I would feel a little better.

  “Hi honey,” she greeted me, cheerfully.

  “Mrs. Faye, thank God!” Although nothing in her voice hinted at anything amiss, I couldn’t keep the distress out of my own. “Is everything alright? I haven’t heard from Toby in a few days. I’ve been so worried.”

  “We’re fine,” she insisted.

  “I’ve left dozens of messages. Toby hasn’t returned any of my calls.”

  “I’m sorry he’s had you worried. I’d put him on the phone now, but he’s not home.” Mrs. Faye paused and then said, “Since you left, he seems off. Shaken. I imagine he’s probably worried about you being away.”

  “Mrs. Faye, I love you both too much to stay away,” I rushed out. “I need to be here—to do this, but I’ll be back.”

  “Oh, honey, I’m not worried. But my son seems to lack faith in believing that despite this temporary change, things will still turn out well. Maybe if I’d given him more reassurance when he was younger,” she considered out loud. “I suppose that’s what happens when you let a boy fend for himself at such a young age.”

  “It was a bad time for you, too.”

  “But I need to right some of my past wrongs. I want very much to help him figure out where he’s going in life and see him get there. If only he didn’t seem so restless the last few days. It’s like he’s getting ready to go.”

  “Go?” Nervously, I clutched my throat. I remembered his words. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m practically crawling the walls.

  “Don’t worry. I’ll make him call you when he comes in tonight. And once you talk, I’m sure he’ll settle down. Distance does not divide people, honey. Fear does.”

  Inspired by my conversation with Mrs. Faye, I took a long walk. Toby and I had not even had a full week apart, and it was already affecting us, the distance stretching and testing us.