Beautiful Goodbye

by Chandin Whitten

  The ride home with my mom and Gage was quiet. I could tell Gage was irritated. I wasn’t sure what to say and I’m not really sure if I cared.

  Once we were home Gage carried our luggage inside, setting my mom’s things in his old room, which was now the nursery and took mine and Evie’s bags into our room.

  Gage turned to me when we were in our room and said, “I’m so glad my two girls are home. I was going bat shit crazy without you two.”

  Giving a fake smile and hoping he wouldn’t noticed I said, “Me too. I missed home and its nice having my things and my bed. My mom leaves early tomorrow morning, I think tomorrow night I will see if everyone wants to come over for dinner.”

  Gage watched me as I picked up a very excited Dollie and kissed her head. I sat Dollie down and was watching her run in circles when Gage said, “Ok. Sounds good. I’m going to check on Evie.”

  I could hear the sadness in Gage’s voice and my guilt ate at me. Before he made it to the door I said, “Gage, I do love you. Don’t forget that.”

  Gage sighed and replied, “I love you, too.”

  **********

  We were home two days when Sadie finally went into labor. My beautiful Goddaughter, Franchesca Belle Hampton, that I shortened to Frannie, was born healthy and on time. She came into this world just like her mama, loud and proud.

  Life with Evie fell into place after a few weeks and Dollie loved her. I completed my finals for school from home and took care of my little girl. Things with Gage and I were still a little awkward but we made it work. The two months we had bee home, Larkin came over every day after he got back from San Diego. He really was a good dad. Gage and Larkin got along as best they could. I knew they both loved me, just in different ways.

  Gage was leaving tonight to go to New York for a few days. He was planning on finding a place for us to live and he also had a meeting with the Jets. He rolled his suitcase out of our room and stopped by the front door.

  Standing, I shifted Evie and walked to Gage. “Do you have everything packed and ready?”

  Gage kissed Evie’s head before he said, “Yes. I’m ready to go. I have a meeting first thing in the morning then I am spending the next two days looking at places I have set up to tour. You said you liked the third place the best right?”

  I smiled and answered, “Yes, but I’m leaving it up to you. You know what I like.”

  Gage pulled me to him and kissed me softly. “Love you. I will see you in a few days.” He rubbed Evie’s cheek before whispering to her, “Love you babygirl. Be good for mommy and I will see you soon.”

  Grabbing the handle of his suitcase, he opened the door and walked down the sidewalk to the waiting taxi. As he climbed inside he smiled one last time and waved.

  A few hours later Larkin was walking in and carrying a takeout bag from Olive Garden, bless him. He sat it on the counter then asked, “Where’s Evie?”

  Pointing to her bouncy seat I smiled and said, “She loves it.”

  Larkin’s face beamed as he spoke, “I was hoping she would. I saw it with the butterflies and flowers and instantly thought she would like it.”

  I pulled two plates from the cabinet and served dinner. I could hear Larkin talking to Evie and it melted my heart. “Daddy loves you. I hope you grow up knowing how much I love you and your mom. You two have given me everything I never knew I was missing. Daddy wasn’t a very good guy before he met your mommy. I have made a lot of mistakes. I’m hoping one day your mommy will forgive me and see how much I love her and how much she means to me. Do you think you could help me win your mommy over, Princess?”

  Nearly choking trying to fight my tears, I sat our plates on the table and ran into the bathroom. Staring at myself in the mirror I tried to calm my nerves. After a few deep breathes I collected myself and I walked back to the living room. “Dinners ready,” I said as I walked past Larkin and Evie.

  Halfway through dinner Larkin broke the silence when he said, “Jenna, I love you and I always will. Hopefully before it’s too late you realize how much I love you and how much you love me.”

  “Larkin, I don’t even know why you love me. I’m a complete mess,” I was exasperated and threw my hands up.

  Larkin stood, walking to me and placed his hands on my cheeks, pulling me forward to kiss my forehead. “Jenna, you are absolutely insane. You’re beautiful, you speak your mind, and you made me happy again. And, because you’re perfect for me. I had to let go of my past to realize how right we are for each other. I know you don’t want someone to save you, but that’s exactly what you did for me, you saved me.”

  Staring into his dark brown eyes I could see all the love he had for me. “I can’t. I’m with Gage, and I love him.”

  Larkin sighed and dropped his eyes to my twisted hands on my lap. “Why, Jenna? Why him? I know you don’t love him like you love me, fuck, even he knows that. You’re not being fair to anyone by being with him. I guess in some way I don’t want to give up because somewhere in my heart I think there’s still a small chance you will pick me.”

  Fighting my tears, I chewed on my bottom lip. “No one understands me like he does. I love him, I choose him. Please, just go.”

  Standing, Larkin walked to the door before stopping to look at me. “This isn’t me walking away. This is you letting me go. Just remember that.” And then…he was gone.

  I sat staring at my closed door. I just let the one guy I was in love with walk out of my life, again. All because I’m too damn scared to let go of my past.

  CHAPTER 32

  I was woken up by the ringing of my phone. Grabbing it before it woke Evie up I saw it was my mom. Glancing around I saw that it was three in the morning.

  “Mom? Are you ok?”

  I heard my mom sniff before attempting to talk. “It’s your dad. He’s gone.”

  Blinking a few times trying to figure out what my mom was talking about I stood from the couch. I walked over to check on Evie who was still sleeping and asked, “What do you mean dad’s gone? Like went to the store or he left you?”

  “No Jenna. Your dad is dead.”

  My world stopped. Collapsing on the chair, I dropped my phone. I stared blankly at the wall. I’m not sure how long I sat there but I was pulled back to Earth when I had two strong arms wrapping around me.

  “Shh. It’s ok, I’m here.”

  Larkin. He was here and pulling me into his arms.

  “He’s gone, Larkin. My dad’s gone.”

  “I know baby. Your mom called me and wanted me to check on you and Evie. I’m going to book the first flight possible. Are you able to pack your things? I can get Evie’s stuff gathered up.”

  Without saying anything I nodded as I stood and walked to my room. I was in auto pilot mode while I packed. Grabbing clothes that I didn’t care about, all I wanted was to fly home and see my dad sitting in his office or in his recliner watching football. I never even asked my mom what happened, how he died.

  Once I had my stuff packed, I hope I had what I needed, I walked back to the living room to find Larkin and Evie snuggled on the couch. It looked like absolute perfection. My daughter and her daddy, those I loved the most.

  Larkin cracked his eyes open, staring at me for a few seconds before asking, “Ready?”

  Pointing to my suitcase I said, “Yes.”

  Larkin rubbed Evie’s back as she squirmed around. “Do you want me to go with you? I know Gage is in New York.”

  “You don’t have to go but thanks.”

  Larkin stood up and walked to my side and handed Evie to me. Pulling her close I placed a few soft kisses on her head.

  “Jenna, you don’t have to do this alone. I’m here for you. I can fly down with you until Gage can get there. I just don’t want you to have to face this alone.”

  Chewing on my bottom lip I felt my tears finally building up. Unable to control them they spilled over and ran down my cheeks. Larkin reached up and ran his thumbs under my eyes. He placed both his hands on the sides of my face
and pulled my head to him, kissing my forehead. “Shh baby, don’t cry. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. Your dad wouldn’t want you upset.”

  Closing my eyes I nodded and barely spoke above a whisper, “Thank you for everything. What time do we leave?”

  Larkin pulled back and smiled. “We leave at six thirty. Let me grab your bags and I will stop at my place to pack then we can go to the airport.”

  **********

  Once we were in the car I pulled my phone from my purse to call Gage.

  Gage’s sleepy voice came through the phone, “J? What time is it? Is everything ok?”

  Fighting my tears back I replied, “It’s a little after four in the morning. I’m on my way to the airport. My dad…He’s um…”

  Larkin grabbed my phone and spoke into it, “Gage, we are on our way to Alabama. Jenna’s dad died.”…Fuck man, I don’t know. Doesn’t look good…Ya, when we land I will have her call…Ok, bye.”

  Larkin handed me my phone and wrapped his large hand around my tiny hand. Thankfully there was no traffic since it was so early and we made it to the airport with time to spare.

  After we went through security and Larkin got us coffee, we sat down to wait for our flight. Larkin rubbed my arm and said, “Jenna I know how it feels. If you want to talk, I’m here. I understand.”

  Blinking my eyes to keep the tears away I looked to Larkin. “I’m not ready. I still don’t believe it’s true. I don’t want to think my dad is gone, that he won’t be there when I get married, or to watch Evie grow up. Not to mention my brother and sister, they are both too young for this.

  Larkin used his foot to rock Evie’s carseat as he said, “Trust me, I know. I was only twelve when I lost my dad. I felt like I had no one. When you’re ready, I’m here.”

  I looked down at our sleeping daughter. “Thank you, for everything.”

  **********

  When our plane landed Larkin rented a car for us and loaded our things into the trunk. As I gave him directions to my childhood home it seemed a bit surreal, especially for the reason I was home.

  Pulling into my driveway I saw cars everywhere. It was only a little after ten in the morning, but it looked like there was a party going on. Gathering all my strength, I unhooked my seatbelt and opened my door. Even though it was only mid-May the southern Alabama humidity made it hard to breath, or maybe it was reality finally setting in.

  Larkin got Evie from the back and came around to stand beside me. He used his free hand to hold mine as we slowly to the front door. We were just walking up the steps when the front door swung open and my sister and brother came running out. They both slammed into me as we all hugged and cried.

  When we made it inside I finally asked, “Where’s mom?”

  Mac stammered out, “The funeral home making arrangements. She should be home soon.”

  “Oh. Well I think I’m going to lay down with Evie, I don’t feel like dealing with all these people. Larkin, you should try to get some sleep to,” I said and ran my hand down his arm.

  Larkin shook his head and said, “I’m ok. Evie will be waking up soon to eat so I will take care of her. You try to sleep.”

  “I want Evie by me right now. Why don’t you just come with me, we will figure it out.” I grabbed Evie and started up the stairs.

  “I’m going to get our bags then I’ll be up. Where will you be?” Larkin asked as he walked toward the front door.

  Pausing, I turned to face Larkin and answered, “My room is the third door on the left.”

  Larkin nodded once then walked out the front door.

  CHAPTER 33

  I had just gotten dressed when there was a knock on my door. “Come in.”

  As soon as my mom was in the door she had me in a hug. Through tears she said, “I love you. I don’t know what to do.”

  Letting my tears fall, I hugged my mom tight. Sobbing I asked, “What happened, mom?”

  My mom let go and sat on my bed, rubbing her face. She looked out the window when she spoke, “I had noticed your dad had been tired a lot and seemed weaker but I figured it was from working so much. If I would have just asked maybe things would be different. He knew he was going to die but didn’t tell anyone. He had an inoperable tumor on his brain. According to the letter he left me he found out about six months ago. He left a letter for you, too. Dr. Bartlett thinks he had a Grand Mal Seizure, and that’s what killed him.” Shaking, my mom reached into her purse and pulled out an envelope with my name of the front and handed it to me.

  I took it from her and before I opened it she held my hands and kissed my cheek. As I opened it she walked out my door, shutting it behind her.

  My dear Jenna,

  If you’re reading this I’m gone. But know that I am always with you and watching over you.

  From the first time I met you I knew how special you were. Watching you grow and being your father has been the best blessing.

  I want you to know how proud I am to be your father. You have brought me so much joy, none greater than Evie. Becoming a Papa was the most amazing gift. I hope your beautiful little girl grows up to be just like her wonderful mom. She is so lucky to have you.

  Jenna, I want you to listen closely to the next part. Never give up. Never stop dreaming. Never settle. Now, I know you think Gage is right for you but after my talk with Larkin I can see the love he has for you and Evie. Don’t settle for Gage because he’s safe. Go for Larkin because he scares you. You can’t hold on to your past forever, baby. Jacob is gone and never coming back. Larkin isn’t Jacob, so don’t push him away for something he can’t control. Trust him. I like him.

  I’m so sorry I’m going to miss everything in your life and Evie’s life. Make sure she knows how much her Papa loved her and wishes he could be there to watch her grow up. I love you both so much.

  Never forget to do what makes you happy and be with who makes your heart skip a beat..

  Love, Dad

  I held my hand over my mouth as my sobs escaped me. How could my dad be gone? He was only forty three years old, he had so much left to do and see. I needed to get out of this house. I needed the one place that always brought peace. The ocean.

  Running down the stairs I yelled to Larkin, “Please watch Evie, I need air.” Not waiting for his reply I flew out the door and didn’t stop running until I felt sand under my feet and smelled the salty air.

  One thing I loved about our small beach town was the beaches were more private and there weren’t many tourists, giving me the privacy I needed. Sitting on the edge of the tide, I let the water kiss my toes as my tears fell. Larkin came and sat down beside me and he wrapped his arms around me. We just sat in silence as the water covered our feet then pulled away only to come back again.

  When the sun was starting to set Larkin asked, “Do you think we should head back? Gage said he would be here tonight.”

  I shrugged, letting out a deep breath before saying, “Ya. I need to check on Evie anyway.”

  Walking back Larkin held my hand and for the first time in a long time, I felt safe. Larkin was who I wanted and needed. I loved Gage but not like Larkin. Gage had always been there and he held my past. However, Larkin was the one holding my future. He was the one who made my heart skip a beat. I had to talk to Gage before I could say anything to Larkin.

  When we opened the front door Gage rushed to me and pulled me to him. He wrapped his arms around me and said, “I’m so sorry baby. I got here as soon as I could.”

  “It’s ok, Gage. My dad knew he was dying. He wrote me a letter and after reading it, I have done a lot of thinking. Can we go for a walk?”

  Gage looked at me with confusion and slowly nodded as he said, “Sure.”

  “Let me check on Evie before we go. Larkin do you mind watching her so we can talk?”

  Larkin shook his head. “I love spending time with my princess.”

  After checking on Evie, Gage and I started walking toward the beach. The walk was silent as we made our way to the bea
ch. Sitting on the shoreline I turned to Gage and finally said, “I love you, I will always love you. After reading the letter from my dad and thinking about my life I realize that I can’t marry you. You’re my best friend and you have always been there for me, this relationship isn’t fair to either of us. I don’t love you the way you deserve. I want you to be happy and marry the girl that can’t live without. I’m not that girl. I love Larkin and I’m ready to tell him, and give him everything. I’m facing my past and I won’t let Jacob destroy me anymore.”

  Gage stared out at the open ocean. I wasn’t sure if he was going to say anything then he finally spoke, “I have known all along I wasn’t who you wanted. I hoped if I loved you enough for both of us it would be enough to make you happy. I wanted us to be a family although the moment I saw Larkin running into the hospital in New York I knew I lost. It was only a matter of time before you realized he was the one you wanted. I tried everything possible to make you happy, I’m just not him.”

  Gage rose and took a few steps away. I dusted the sand from my hands and stood and walked to where Gage was. Gage pulled me into a hug and kissed my temple. “I love you but I need to let you go.”

  Nodding I dropped my arms, sliding my engagement ring off and mumbled, “Love you too.” I handed Gage the ring as his eyes filled with tears and he turned, walking away from me. I watched Gage until I couldn’t see him anymore. I was finally letting my past go, for good.

  I sank into the sand as the sun set and darkness took over. Drawing in the sand I let the memories of my dad take over. He didn’t have to be the dad he was, since I technically wasn’t his. He could have treated me differently, but he didn’t. I was daddy’s little girl. I would miss him but I knew he would always be with me.

  Knowing my dad would always be with me gave me the strength to face my demons and let go of my past. I couldn’t hold onto Jacob and what he did anymore. I had a healthy, happy, and beautiful little girl who needed me. All of me. I drew Jacobs name in the sand and watched as the salty water washed it away, making the sand new again. Just like me, my life. I was letting things go and starting new.