Embracing Love

by Delisa Lynn

  Evan and Brody were coming over to have dinner with Addison and me. We made these dinner plans before we ran into Alyssa. “Addison please be nice to Evan.” “Oh Lila Rae, why wouldn’t I be? He is just a man who is obviously in love with a terrific woman. He can’t help how he feels. He better not hurt you though. I will let him know exactly how crazy your best friend is.”

  “Oh Ads, I love your crazy ass so much.” “I love you too, that’s why I would hurt anybody that hurts you. I’m still punishing that idiot brother of mine.” I just laughed at her.

  Dinner went well. I noticed Addie asked Evan if she could speak to him outside, not sure what she told him. But he seemed to be okay. “Hey Lila have you heard from Nikki?” “Brody, I haven’t in a few days, why what’s going on?” I could feel where this was going, I hated to lie to poor Brody.

  “Oh I’m just curious. She won’t return my calls.” Damn why would she hurt Brody? He was such a great guy. I can’t believe Nik left him like that.

  “If I talk to her, I will ask her what the hell is going on.” He walked over and hugged me. “Lila, Liam is very lucky to have such a great girl like you.”

  Damn you Brody, I just lied to you and you are complimenting me. “Oh Brody, I’m not so sure about the great part.” “I know what happened. Don’t be so hard on yourself about it.” “You know?”

  “Yes, Evan tells me everything, Lila. He loves you more than anything. I know he is going to be crushed when Liam comes home.” “Brody, I love him too, just wish it could be different. My heart is Liam’s.” Brody hugged me as tight as he could. “I love you, Lila and you’re such a strong woman.” “Thanks Brody, I love you too and Nikki doesn’t see what is right in front of her.” I know he could see the unshed tears in my eyes.

  I took Ads to the airport and I cried all the way there. I missed seeing her every day. Evan went with me and on the way back I asked him what Ads had said to him. “She told me if I hurt you in any way, she would come here and personally shove her foot up my ass and rip my balls off.”

  “Oh Evan, that’s my Ads!” I couldn’t help but laugh. “Lila, are we okay? I mean are we still as close as we used to be?” “Of course we are, nothing will ever change our friendship. I will always be here for you!” We ended up going to the movies and to get coffee at the café. The waitress thinks we’re a couple because we go there so often. I guess it looks like it because of how close we are.

  I started classes and studied as much as I could. I had two months until Liam came home. I still hadn’t heard from him. We were planning to have a huge welcome home party. Nikki was going to come, I also invited Brody and Evan. I hope that wasn’t a bad idea. Evan knew I was going back to Liam.

  Evan started working more, so we weren’t spending as much time together. I missed him a lot though. With him and Brody both working, I was alone a lot unless I went out with Heather and Margie. But they both had boyfriends and worked, so they rarely got to just hang out anymore. It gave me more time to focus on Liam’s birth mom. The agency still didn’t have any information. I started calling the private schools in that area, someone had to know this lady.

  It was finally November, time for my Liam to come home. I hadn’t heard anything from him for months. I hoped and prayed he was okay. I still hadn’t received any news on his mother.

  I tried, but no one knew this mysterious woman. Evan came over to take me to the airport. “Lila, I just want you to know that I love you very much. I know you are with Liam and I would never tell him anything. The night we slept together, I never meant to hurt or confuse you. I’ve wanted you so damn bad and I was hurting. I just got lost. When I’m with you I feel like a different man. Liam is one lucky mother fucker.”

  “Evan, I know. And you know I love you too. I’m meant to be with Liam. It hurts me knowing how much you love me.” He leaned over and kissed me and I kissed him back. That was the first time we had kissed since the morning we left for Utah. Oh my gosh, I was in love with this man’s kisses. The way he held my head in his hands and kissed me with so much love. “You be careful going back home and I’ll see you soon. I’m not going to tell Liam about us right now. I will eventually, but Evan I can’t lose you.” I wiped his tears, kissed him again and went into the airport.

  “Lila, wait…” Evan came running back in, he grabbed my head with both his hands and kissed me like there was no tomorrow. When he finished, we were both breathless. I placed my hand on my mouth as I cried inside and out for this wonderful man that I couldn’t have.

  I sat on the plane and cried. I know the lady next to me probably thought I was some emotional crazy woman.

  My mom picked me up from the airport, I was so happy to see her. “Lila, we have missed you so much. Your father is working late, but he took the next week off so he could spend time with you kids. Eric and Addison will be there when we get home. When is Liam arriving?” “I’m not sure, Mom, I haven’t heard from him.” “I’m sure he’s okay and will be here soon, Lila.”

  As we reached the house, I saw my brother standing there. I jumped out of the car and ran to him. “Eric, I’ve missed you so much.” “I missed you too, sis.” “Where’s Addie?” “She went to see her parents, they still haven’t heard from Liam.” “Me either, I hope he’ll be here soon.”

  I’ve been back home for three days and we still hadn’t heard from Liam. Thanksgiving was tomorrow. I was getting worried. In one of his letters he mentioned a friend. I wonder if I could track him down, I couldn’t remember the guy’s name though. My mother prepared Thanksgiving dinner. We all had dinner together. Addison and I were going shopping the next day. We decided to stay at the beach house just in case Liam showed up. “Addie, I’m worried, what if something happened to him?” “Lila, he’s fine, he’ll be here. Don’t think like that.” “How can I not? I haven’t talked to him in months, I hadn’t even received a letter. I kept sending letters to that address but no response.

  Ads, let’s get drunk.” I was half way there anyway. I’ve already had two beers and a half bottle of wine. “Um L, I think you’re already there, my friend.” “You’re such a bitch sometimes, Addison Ellis.” “The best bitch you know and you love me for that reason.” We ended up drinking all night.

  “Addison, how much did I drink last night? I feel like I was hit by a big Mack truck!” “L, I told you to slow down. Your brother carried you to bed.” “Oh hell no! I didn’t say anything stupid, did I, Ads?”

  “Fuck if I know. I was wasted too. I remember you crying and that made me cry. I told Eric we were getting trashed. He laughed and sat here. Played that stupid video game all damn night.”

  “Alright, let’s go shopping, Ads.” We had fun like we always do. I bought Liam and Evan some gifts. I didn’t tell Ads about Evan’s gifts though. It was still weird we hadn’t heard from Liam.

  We ended up staying at the beach house all weekend. Monday came and we still hadn’t heard from Liam. Evan had texted me several times but I never responded. It was time for me to go back to New York—without Liam and not knowing where he was.

  When I got back to the dorm, there were no letters from Liam. I had been avoiding Evan and felt really bad that I hadn’t responded to him. I finally called him. “Hey Evan, I’m sorry I haven’t called you back.” “It’s cool, Lila, I understand Liam is home and you will be spending all your time with him!” “Evan, can you come over please?” “Sure I’ll be there soon.”

  As I sat there waiting for Evan and wondering where my Liam was, I began to cry. When Evan walked in, I was already sobbing, so hard I couldn’t explain. He just held me, he didn’t ask questions.

  “It’s okay, my sweet Lila, whatever it is we will get through it.” Finally I was able to speak. “Evan, we don’t know where Liam is.” “What do you mean, Lila?” “He never showed up and no one has heard from him.” “Lila, we’ll find him, I promise you. I’ll help you.” “Thanks Evan, it means a lot!”

  “Let’s go to the café. I’ve missed their bacon.�
� “Lila, I thought you would never ask. I’ve missed you, pretty lady.” He kissed my forehead, I loved this man. Not as much as I loved my Liam, how could I love two different men at the same time? I’m too young to have to go through this. Oh God what did I ever do to deserve all this heartache I’m feeling? I did it to myself, when I fell for both of them.

  “Where is Brody today?” “Lila, did you know that Nikki had another boyfriend back home?” “No, not that I knew of,” I lied. I didn’t want to be involved in it. I had enough problems, fuck. Why did I lie? I’m such a bad liar anyway.

  “Brody went to surprise her and I guess she’s seeing that Cam guy that visited her here.” “Oh wow, I’ll have to call her.”

  I loved eating at that café. We sat there and laughed. I forgot everything that was going on. Evan talked about his job and how his dad was doing. He said the holiday was hard, without his mother being there. I’m sure it was. I couldn’t imagine. I know it was hard for me without Liam.

  I wasn’t ready for lunch to be over, but we decided to go back to Evan’s and watch a movie. “Evan, can you just hold me? If you don’t want to, I understand.” “I would love to hold you. I told you anything you want, I will do it.” We lay in his bed and I just snuggled in his arms. I fit perfectly in them. He kissed my head a couple times, but never tried anything else. But I wanted him too. I didn’t want to be the one to make the move though. So I just lay there, I did kiss his cheek. I must’ve slept well, I woke up to breakfast in bed.

  “Good morning, pretty lady. I made eggs and pancakes.” “No bacon?” “Yes love, I made you bacon.” “Yay, you spoil me, Evan.” “Did you sleep well?” “Yes I did, I think that’s the first time I slept that well in months. Thank you for everything, Evan, it means a lot.” “Anything for you, Lila.”

  “Now shower, I have a surprise for you.” “I need clothes, I didn’t bring any.” “It’s okay I have something you left from the last time you stayed over. They’re clean, I washed them.” I showered and got ready, not sure where he was taking me.

  We drove for what seemed like hours. We pulled into a gas station, I wasn’t sure where the hell we were. “Evan, where are we?” “We are almost there, Lila.” We arrived at what looked like a campground, it was a campground. Where the hell was he bringing me and what were we doing here? “Lila, I wanted to bring you here to get away. I know you have been stressed lately and I figured this would be perfect. I heard it’s a nice place, it’s called Black Bear Campground.” “I hope there aren’t any black bears!” He laughed. “Evan, we’re in the middle of nowhere.” “That’s the point, Lila. We can just breathe out here; leave all of our worries in the car. Let’s have a day to live and not worry about anyone or anything.”

  I still was so unsure about being in the middle of God only knew where. Evan had prepared a lunch in a basket and brought blankets, pillows, and wine. As I watched him set everything up, I wondered what I would have done if I hadn’t met him.

  We lay on the blanket talking about Evan’s job; he was working as a paralegal. He hoped after he got his degree he could be hired on with that company. I hope he does, it would be a great opportunity for him. I knew he’d be a damn good lawyer. Me on the other hand, I didn’t think I was doing so well. My mind had been so many other places all year long.

  “Evan, I’m freezing, you didn’t happen to bring hot chocolate or coffee, did you?” “I wouldn’t bring you out in this cold weather if I hadn’t, sweetheart.” He was used to that weather, I wasn’t. He poured me some hot chocolate and pulled me closer to him. Sadly, I wasn’t really enjoying myself. “Evan, did you bring your guitar?” “I sure did, darlin’, would you like me to sing to you?” “Yes, I would.” He laughed but I was serious. He got it out and sat next to me as he sang “Start of Something Good” by Daughtry. I loved hearing him sing. “Evan, will you sing to me forever?” “I would love to, darlin’.” I reached over and kissed his cheek. Then I rubbed my nose against his and laid my head on his shoulder.

  “Lila, if you could do anything, anything in the world. What would it be? You can think about it.” “Anything, Evan?” “Yes anything!”

  “I would love to go to Paris, I’ve always wanted to go. I always figured once I finished college, I would go.” “Paris sounds fun, I’ve never been to another country, hell I’d only been to Alabama and Utah before coming here,” he said.

  “What about you, Evan Martin, what would you like to do?” “Right now, I would like to kiss you, Lila, but other than that I only want to make you happy.” I smiled at him, I leaned in and kissed him. I tried not to make it so passionate but I couldn’t help myself. He had fantastic lips and his kisses were so good. “Thank you, Lila.” “Why are you thanking me, I wanted it as much as you did. I treasure the time I spend with you. There’s just something about you that I love so much.”

  “Lila, I love you more than anything in this world. I would marry you if I could.” I just looked into his eyes, I could see the hurt. I didn’t want to hurt him anymore. He had been hurt enough. First his girlfriend aborts their baby and leaves him, and then he loses his mother. Now, I was ripping his heart out.

  “Evan, maybe we should stop spending so much time together. I feel like I’m only going to hurt you in the end.” He jumps up. “No Lila, I’m fine! I don’t want to lose you, my life wouldn’t be the same if you weren’t in it. What can I do to make you see how much you mean to me? I’ve never been with anyone that makes me feel the way I do, when I’m with you. Have you even noticed that since the day I met you, I’ve contacted you almost every single day?”

  “I have and I know how much you love me. I’m just afraid of hurting you worse than I already have.”

  “Lila, damn it, don’t you understand that regardless of what happens, I will be hurt? The woman I love and want to spend the rest of my life with is in love with another man, whom she loves more than she does me. You don’t think that fucking hurts my heart? The night we made love, I felt as though you were thinking about him the entire time.

  I can’t compete with him, Lila, he already has you. He has always had you, every moment you’re with me you’re thinking of him. I know you’ll never be mine fully but if part-time is all I get, then I’m fucking taking it and being happy with it.”

  I started crying and grabbed his chin. “Evan, you look at me, don’t you ever think for one second that when I made love to you, I wasn’t thinking about you. I wanted you just as much, if not more, than you wanted me. It kills me inside to know that you may not always be a part of my life.” He turned his head, I could see the tears falling. I wrapped my arms around him and just held him.

  “Now you listen to me, Evan, we’re here and I want to spend this time with you. Didn’t you say this was about us, and no one else? So let’s make it about us.” He picked me up and carried me back to the blanket and laid me down. “I’m going to kiss you, is that okay?” I nodded my head yes. He started kissing me and I just forgot about everything. “Evan, make love to me, please.” “Are you sure that is what you want? You want me to make love to you right here?” “Yes. Right here, right now. Please.” I know he could tell I was still crying and he kissed my nose. “I will give you anything that you want, but are you sure this is what you want?” “Evan, I’m sure, I love you so much. This is about you and I right now, no one else.” “Lila, I didn’t bring you out here to make you have sex with me. I don’t even have a condom.” “Evan, it’s okay, I’m on the pill and I trust you. I trust you with my life! I want all of you right now, Evan Martin.”

  We started kissing and I started taking his clothes off. He lifted me off the blanket and started undressing me. There was a little snow on the ground and it was cold as hell but my body was so hot, the warmth of our bodies together felt like we were in a sauna.

  Evan held me with my legs wrapped around his waist. He leaned me up against a tree and entered inside of me. I loved the feel of him inside of me. He made me forget about everything I had thought about all we
ek. He made love to me, just as I wanted.

  I could tell he was getting ready to come and I didn’t want him to stop. “Lila, we got to stop. I’m not wearing a condom.” “Evan!” I said as I kissed him harder. “It’s okay, I want all of you inside of me.” “I can’t hold it any longer.” He came inside of me and I smiled as he did. He carried me back to the blanket and continued to kiss me. I could see he was crying. “Lila, you are the only woman I have ever had unprotected sex with.”

  “But, what about? Ugh.” “The condom must’ve been defective.” “Oh,” I said. I didn’t want to say her name. As we lay there on that cold New York night, I could actually see spending forever with Evan. I knew I couldn’t though. We made love again before going back to the car. I wasn’t ready to leave, but I knew we should go.

  The ride back was so pretty, it had started to snow more.

  “Thank you Evan, for everything.” He grabbed my hand and said “Anything for you Lila, anything.”

  I still hadn’t heard anything from Liam. It was almost my birthday. I wasn’t going back home for the holidays, I just couldn’t. Addison and Eric were pretty upset that I wasn’t. I told them I just wanted to be alone. Evan and Brody were going back home. I was going to be all alone on my birthday and Christmas.

  I was okay with that. As I sat there with my thoughts, planning my holiday meals, there was a knock at the door.

  I looked out and it was a guy I’d never seen before. I wasn’t sure if I should open it or not. I made sure I had my cell phone in my hand, he looked harmless but this was New York City, you never knew.