Embracing Love

by Delisa Lynn

  “You better stay the fuck away from her!” Liam shouted. “Lila, you can call me when you come to your senses. This isn’t over. I’m sorry, I know I told you that I would be okay with it but I’m not. I will die for you, Lila, you are my life now.”

  “Evan please, let’s just go.” I ended up sending him to my parents until I was ready to go. How could I be so stupid to think this would be okay? I was ripping his heart out of his chest and stomping on it.

  I called Nikki and asked her to please come to me. She said she would be in California in three days. That gave me time to go to New York and back. But I needed her now.

  I knew she couldn’t drop everything and run to me. Eric wanted to go back to New York with me but I needed to do this alone.

  I didn’t know what I was going to do. Liam was mad at me for not telling him about Evan and for going back to New York alone. I had to though. I had to sort everything out. I had ended up not sitting with Evan on the plane, I left the airport before he did.

  He had never hurt me and never would. Why was I breaking his heart?

  I made this mess and I needed to fix it. Addie was gone and I needed her so bad right now. She would probably laugh at the situation I created.

  What the hell am I going to do now? I thought. I went to my Dean and explained I wanted to transfer my credits. They said that with my classes and my being an honor student that it wasn’t a problem. I could actually graduate next year.

  I went ahead and got everything transferred back home. I called Heather. Her and Margie came and helped me pack everything up. I was really going to miss them, they had been great friends. Now it was time to face Evan.

  I called Evan to come over and I explained I did love him very much. I just wasn’t ready to be his wife and I didn’t want to be with him right now. “That doesn’t mean we can’t try again later.” “Later, Lila? You have to be fucking kidding me, right?”

  “Evan just go, I’m leaving to go back home in the morning.” “Oh you’re running back to Army boy, aren’t you?” “No! Leave Liam out of this!” I yelled.

  “Oh, this is his fault! You thought he was dead and you wanted me but now that he has come back to life you just want to say fuck Evan, who the hell was he.” “No Evan, it isn’t like that.” I was crying so hard, I was shaking.

  “He was the one who left you and you used me to get over him. How fucking nice of you. How could you be such a whore?”

  “Evan, please calm down. Let’s talk, not yell. Please.” I placed my arm around his and looked at him. I hope he saw the pain in my eyes. I was dying inside. “I’m sorry, you aren’t a whore. I will calm down, sweetheart.” He walked over and put his arms around me. “Evan I do love you, I love you more than you could imagine. I told you before this all happened that if and when Liam came back, I was going back to him.” He sighed and ran his hands through his hair as he spoke the words “Lila, that was years ago.”

  “I know. It has been almost two years that you and I have been friends and sleeping together. But he is back.”

  “You told me you loved me and you accepted my proposal. Now all of a sudden you want him. So did you really want to marry me? Or was I just your back up plan?” I know how bad it all sounded. It wasn’t coming out the way I planned in my head. “Evan I don’t know, I love you and I could picture us spending forever together. But my forever is supposed to be Liam.”

  “You already fucked him, didn’t you?” Yeah, if he only knew I was thinking about him as Liam came inside of me. “Evan, don’t ask me things like that.” God it was written all over my face, I felt so bad. I was going to hell for sure. “I’m sorry, Lila, can I just stay with you one last night? Please Lila, give me this last night. Then I’ll leave you to do as you want.”

  “Evan, you can stay but I’m leaving in the morning regardless.” I knew I shouldn’t let him stay. This was going to be the end of us. I wanted closure and he deserved one last night with me.

  “Okay Lila, that’s fine with me.” He grabbed me and started kissing me. “Evan, what are you doing? You know this will make it worse.” The hurt in his beautiful eyes was killing me. “Please let me make love to you one last time, I won’t tell Liam anything about it.”

  “Evan, I can’t. You’re hurt enough, and this won’t help either of us.” I can’t deny the fact that I wanted him as bad as he wanted me. “No Lila, I want you. Please?” I couldn’t imagine my life without him. But I had to let him go. I had made my mind up to spend the last night with him and give him what we both need. How could I sleep with Liam one night then Evan the next?

  What was wrong with me? I was starting to act like Savvy. I kissed Evan back and he started undressing me. I helped him get undressed. He picked me up with my legs wrapped around his waist. And sat me on the kitchen counter. He made love to me like he never had before. When he entered me, I felt like I was melting, this would be the last time I was going to be with Evan. I had made my decision. I know it was killing Evan but I couldn’t leave Liam. We had been through too much and I wanted to marry him.

  “Lila, please hold me tight. Please show me how much you love me.” I pulled him closer to me and I could feel him farther inside of me. Every time he moved in and out of me, I could feel my tears rolling down my face. We showed our love for one another, although it felt so wonderful, it was destroying us both. I kissed his neck as he leaned his head back, I could feel his tears falling on my chest. Just as he came, he screamed my name like he had never said it before. This was the first time he had broken down and cried, since his mom died. I looked him in his eyes. “Evan I will love you until I take my last breath,” I whispered as I laid my head in the crook of his neck. He smelled so good. I would miss his scent, his touch, and his love.

  “Lila, I have never loved anyone the way I do you. Baby I love you so much, it’s killing me to let you walk away. But it’s what I promised you and all though it hurts my heart, I have to let you go back to him. You were his all along, you were never mine. The nights we spent together and the days we spent together, they were just borrowed time. They were truly the best days of my life.”

  “Oh Evan, I’m so sorry to do this to you. I never meant for this to happen. I will always love you and cherish my memories of you.” I couldn’t stop crying, I was hurting so bad. Hurting for Evan, hurting for Liam. Hurting for everything that I had caused between the three of us.

  “Lila, if you ever need anything, I will still be here for you.” How could he be so nice? I have fucked up his life and he is still offering to be my friend? “Thank you, Evan,” I whispered. I slept in his arms one last time. When I woke up, he was already gone. There was a note, a picture of us eating chocolate covered bacon, and a BLT sandwich from the café lying on my bags. I had to smile through my tears. God, what have I done? Was I making the right choice? Was my life really meant to be with Liam? I couldn’t leave Liam, he had lost so many people already.

  I packed everything up and said my goodbyes to my neighbors and Brody. He was so sweet and stuck in the middle. He wished me luck and said he would keep an eye on Evan. I gave him my ring to give back to Evan.

  “Lila, I think maybe you should give this back to him yourself.” “Brody, I can’t, it’s tearing me apart to walk away from him. I love him more than he will ever know. Please give this to him for me.” He said okay and hugged me goodbye.

  “Lila, wait sweets.” Heather lived down the street, she must have seen me leaving. “Oh Heather.” I grabbed her and hugged her. “Am I making the right choice? I love Evan with everything that I have, but I love Liam more if that is possible.” “Lila sweetie, I know it hurts. But you are meant to be with Liam. He came back for his woman. He never gave up on you, Lila. I don’t know him like I do Evan, but the way you talk about him. He has to be a hero.”

  “Thanks Heather, you said all the right things. I’m going to miss our wine and dancing nights.” We were both crying now. “I will miss your silly ass, Li. Take care of yourself and don’t be a st
ranger, you hear me?”

  On the plane I decided to read Evan’s letter.

  My Sweet Lila,

  I couldn’t tell you goodbye in person, it was killing me to walk away from you. I wish you and Liam the best. Please finish school. I know you won’t need to work, but you will make one hell of a criminal lawyer. I hope you find the scum bag that killed Addison. Thank you for everything Lila, I would’ve never made it through my mother’s death, if I hadn’t had you. I had one hell of a ride with you, Lila. You are the bravest, sexist, craziest woman I know. Those are all compliments. Please apologize to Eric and Liam for my behavior and I’m sorry I called you a whore. You aren’t, you’re just following your heart. I was hoping that things would work out differently. If you need anything, call me. And if Liam breaks your heart, I will be here to pick it up again. Please don’t forget the times we spent together. I love you with everything that I am.

  Yours Only,

  E.L.M

  P.S. I hope you enjoyed the BLT from the café.

  My mother was waiting for me at the airport. “Lila, what are you going to do about all this?” “Mom I really don’t know, I love them both. But in my heart, I know it’s Liam.” “I know my sweet girl, I know.”

  “Your father has been working on the case looking for Addison’s killer.” “I hope they find him, I miss her so much.” “Oh you know your father, he won’t stop till they do.” “I know he won’t, Mom, but I worry about him out there on those streets.”

  “I do too, sweetie, that’s what he loves though. That has always been his life. You know him and your uncle Kes have to compete and see who can capture the most criminals.”

  “Mom, I’m going look for a job as a paralegal for now. I know I can stay in the guest house. But I think I will move in the beach house for now with Liam, if that’s okay?”

  “That’s fine. Eric isn’t going back to Boston yet. You guys can help get Liam back to himself again.” “Mom, am I making the right decisions?” “Lila, you will have to do what you feel is best for you, not best for those men.” “Thanks, Mom.”

  “Liam, we need to talk,” I said. “Okay I’m listening,” he replied.

  “I never meant for any of this to happen, Liam.” “So what if I hadn’t been found? Were you just going to marry that bastard?” “I don’t know Liam, you were gone. You left me.” “I left you, Lila? I was lying in a hospital bed in the middle of fucking nowhere. No one knowing who I was, while you were playing house and fucking that hulk looking mother fucker!” “That’s not fair, Liam! You know I love you more than anything.”

  “Oh, you love me so much you quit looking for me and started fucking every guy on campus.”

  “That’s enough, Liam! It was only Evan and he was my friend. He was there for me when I thought you weren’t coming back. He knew I loved you, I couldn’t help that I fell in love with him. I would have never pursued a relationship with him knowing you were okay and would be back.

  Not a day went by that I didn’t look for you. I thought about you every day, every day that I woke up I wanted your arms around me. I wanted to know that you were still breathing and that you were coming back to me.”

  “I’m sorry, I’m just so upset, beautiful.” “Liam, I know you are.” As he went to stand. he fell down. “I can’t take this shit, I can’t even walk sometimes.” “Liam, stop you are just upset.”

  “Stop treating me like I can’t do anything for myself, Lila.” “Okay I was just trying to help you.” “I don’t need help, I’m a man not a child and I can take care of myself.” “I know you can.”

  I helped him to the couch and sat on his lap, we both were crying by now. He walked really well but he had been really upset and tired lately. “Lila, you are my world, I love you so much it hurts to breathe when we’re apart. I will never love anyone the way I love you. I would die for you, Lila Rae.” “I know you do and would too, Liam. I know, my love.”

  “Choose me please! I’m not going to beg to you but I want you to choose me, you were always mine. He should have never had you.”

  “Liam, don’t you think by me being here, I’ve already made my decision and have chosen you. I have waited for you to come back to me for two years. You aren’t getting rid of me that easily.” He started crying and picked me up and carried me to the bed. He made me his all over again.

  I was making breakfast and my phone started beeping, I prayed it wasn’t Evan. I looked and it was my mom. “Mom, is everything all right? Yes, he is here. Okay, I will.” “Liam, my mom said it’s an emergency. We have to go.” I have no clue what’s going on, my mother was frantic. We pulled up to the hospital and all the memories from the day Addison died came flooding back to me. I froze. I couldn’t walk through the doors.

  “Lila baby, come on, you have to find out what is going on.” “I can’t, Liam, I don’t want to lose anyone else.” “Come on, beautiful, I will be here with you.” We walked in the door and I saw my mom fall into my uncle Kes’ arms. As the doctor was speaking, Eric came over to Liam and me and just hugged me tighter than anyone has ever hugged me. “Dad is gone, Lila.” I just froze. I couldn’t breathe, I just wanted to fall. “Lila, breathe baby, breathe.” It was Liam, I was now in his arms and I could see Uncle Kes, Mom, Eric, and some lady staring at me. I stood up and looked at Liam. “Lila honey, you fainted when Eric told you about your dad.” “Is h-h-he really gone?” I whispered. “Lila, I’m sorry, but yes he is. He had a heart attack.” I walked over to my mom and hugged her as we both cried. I could tell the other woman was crying and upset, but who was she? I looked at her and back at my mom.

  “Oh God honey, it will be out anyway so I better tell you. Come sit down.” I walked with my mother but I grabbed Liam’s hand to have him follow me. “Mom, what is going on?” “Lila, your father was having an affair.” I cupped my hand over my mouth and let out a scream. My daddy would never do that to my mom, they loved each other so much. They were the perfect couple. All of my friends loved how sweet my parents were to each other. Liam squeezed my hand tight as I tried to speak, by now Eric was on the other side of me. “Mom, did you know?” “I had my suspicions but I never knew for a fact. Then the hospital called me and said he was here, I thought he was at work, but he was with her.” I looked at the sadness in my mother’s eyes, then I looked at that horrible woman who had been sleeping with my father. I walked over to her. Eric and Liam followed me. “I’m Lila Rae, Ray’s daughter and you are?” “Lillian Trevors. I’m sorry for your loss, Lila.” I stared at her as hard as I could. “Did you know he was married?” I asked. “Ye-yes I did Lila, we worked together.” I don’t know what came over me but I dropped Liam’s hand and smacked the home wrecking whore.

  “Lila, that’s enough. Come on,” said Liam. I can’t believe my father had been having an affair. We left the hospital and went back to my parents’ house. I was so numb, I was more pissed off than sad at the moment. “Mom, why didn’t you ever say anything?” “I didn’t want to bother you kids with our problems. But he had all the right to, I cheated on your father years ago. I told him about it and I knew that someday karma would bite me in the ass. I knew that Lillian had flirted with him for years.

  I just never thought he would take her up on her offers. I saw them at the mall a couple months ago. I spoke with Nancy, she saw your father leaving the Marriott a couple weeks ago with Lillian. I never told your father that I knew. Then this morning he seemed fine and said he was going in early. About three hours later the hospital called me and when I got there she and your uncle Kes were there.” “So Uncle Kes knew?” “Oh sweetie I’m sure he did, he and your father were best friends.”

  I can’t believe all this is happening. First Liam missing, then Addison and her baby were killed and now my dad having an affair and dying while with that woman.

  Liam is being so supportive and I’m so glad he’s here, but a part of me needed Evan. I needed his embrace, his touch, and his smell. I’ve been thinking about him all day. I called N
ikki and she and Brody were coming to my father’s memorial. I wish in a way Evan could be here.

  I’d never seen so many people in a church. I think every police personnel and FBI in California were there. Everyone gave their condolences and said so many great things about my father. He was an amazing man, I never thought in a million years he would cheat on my mom.

  At the graveside, I thought I saw Evan. “Nikki, you said Evan was in New York still, didn’t you?” “Yes Lila, only Brody came.” I looked around the corner and it was him. “Holy crap Lila, I didn’t know he would show up,” said Nikki. “I have to go talk to him, Nik. I can’t ignore him.” “Liam baby, please don’t get upset but I see Evan over there and I have to go talk to him. Please stay here.” Liam looked Evan dead in his eyes. He then kissed me and let my hand go. “Hurry back, Lila.” “Thanks Liam.”

  “Evan, what are you doing here?” “Lila, I heard about your father and I had to see you. I’m so sorry for your loss. Can I please give you a hug?” “Of course you can, Evan.” He leaned in and grabbed me and hugged me with so much love. Damn I missed him so fucking bad. He held me for several minutes, I knew Liam was probably watching. “Thank you for coming, Evan.”

  “I told you I would do anything for you, darlin’. I miss you so much.” “Me too, Evan.” He just gave me a look, kind of a disgusted look but then again it was probably a look wondering why. If I missed him why was I with another man?

  Liam, Nikki, and Brody walked over to where we were standing. “Everything okay, beautiful?” asked Liam. “Yes, Evan wanted to give me his condolences.” Evan reached his hand out to Liam to shake it. “Liam, glad to know Lila has you here with her in her time of need.” “Lila will always have me, Evan.” “Evan, we’re all going back to the house, why don’t you join us?” I asked. I knew I shouldn’t have but I needed him here just as much as I needed the others. Liam just looked at me and said, “Let’s go.”