Falling Into the Black

by Lauren Runow

  I love that she’s trying to change my mood. Instantly, I know this is exactly where I need to be.

  Chapter Thirty

  Evangeline

  It helps to be friends with my boss. I was due for some vacation time anyway, and Kamii was able to get me some time off to deal with my emotions. I cried for a few days and sulked for the others, finally coming to the conclusion that I need to face my past.

  When I left Minnesota, I promised myself I’d never go back, yet here I am, on a plane, about to face my worst fears. When Kamii first suggested I go home, I thought she was crazy, but I finally broke down and contacted Kaitlyn. We both cried and then talked for hours about everything, and by the end of the conversation, I was ready to pay her a visit.

  I have to fly into Minneapolis, and it’s a six-hour drive to Warroad. I was even more excited for the trip when Kaitlyn said she’d come pick me up. Being able to talk to her for that time, alone, will help ease me back into coming home.

  After the plane lands, I turn on my phone to text her that we’ve landed. Of course, there’s also a text from Cole, but I don’t read it. Not yet.

  He’s texted or called every day, but I haven’t read or listened to any messages. I can only handle one thing at a time right now. His persistence is surprising me, though.

  When I walk out, I see Kaitlyn jumping up and down when her eyes meet mine. She and I were two peas in a pod, both crazy as hell and loving every minute.

  I run to her, for the first time not nervous at all about coming home. My soul needed this to both heal and move on.

  We scream like little girls with both of us letting tears fall down our faces.

  “It’s so good to see you. I’ve missed you so much,” I say, squeezing her tight.

  “You too! I can’t believe you’re actually here.”

  She helps me with the carry-on I brought on the plane, and we head to her car, getting ready for our trip back to Warroad.

  “God, I’m just in shock right now. It’s been too long,” she says as she gets on the freeway.

  “It has. How have you been?”

  “Not much has changed here. The second round of kids is happening with our friends, and we even have our first divorce. But even we knew back in high school that Eric was gay, so that’s no surprise.”

  “He finally came out?”

  “Yup. Shelly acted all surprised, but she must have been in blind denial if she never knew. The new gossip is that he’s dating Max, though.” She eyes me in amazement.

  “No!” I say in disbelief. “The quarterback from the year before us?”

  “That’s the one! He’s dated just about every single girl in town, but now we know why none ever lasted.”

  “Well, good for them. Everyone deserves to find their special someone.”

  “What about you then? Have you found that special someone?”

  I sigh, dropping my head back. When we spoke on the phone, I didn’t tell her anything about what was really going on. I knew I’d have to, but the thought fills my eyes with tears.

  “Oh, Evangie,” she calls me by the nickname she always has. “What’s going on?”

  “It’s almost so unbelievable it’s hard for even me to fathom.”

  “You can tell me. You know I’m here.”

  “I know. It’s Carter,” I admit and she swerves the car, over-correcting to the other side, and I grip the door handle when she steadies the vehicle back to a straight line.

  “How did he find you? Or, holy shit, did you contact him?”

  “Well—”

  She interrupts, “He’s looked everywhere for you, for many years.”

  “Really?” I ask, surprised.

  “Are you kidding me? He was frantic about it. I honestly thought at one point he was going to drop out of school to search the world for you.”

  Guilt takes me over, and I drop my head, blinking away the tears I don’t want to fall.

  “So what happened?” she continues, I’m sure feeling guilty for bringing my disappearance up at all. “How did he find you?”

  “That’s the funny thing. We found each other.”

  “What? How?”

  “God. I told you it’s unbelievable.” I look over at her, and she raises her eyebrows, egging me on. “We ran into each other at an anonymous sex club.”

  “Shut up!” she yells. “Okay, I’m going to hear a lot more about this club, but first, how in the world?”

  I cover my eyes. “Don’t judge. I’ve had a long ten years, and the last thing I wanted was a relationship. So when I got the opportunity to join the club I jumped on it.”

  “Ha, literally,” she interrupts, and I laugh out loud.

  “So, what, you recognized him? What’s the anonymous part?”

  “You wear masks, and I guess he knew it was me right away, but he did everything in his power to make sure I didn’t know it was him.”

  “Okay, seriously, how did you not know?”

  “Have you seen pictures of him?”

  She nods, thinking about it. “Yeah, I guess he has changed a lot.”

  “A lot? That’s the understatement of the year.”

  “Well, yeah, I guess from high school he’s changed a ton. I’ve seen him every so often, so I haven’t thought about just how much, but yeah, thinking back to high school he was a little scrawny back then.”

  “He comes home a lot?”

  “Yeah, I guess every few months. Whenever he can. He’s supporting his parents. You know that, right?”

  “No!” I admit.

  “Yup. His mom had a stroke a few years back. She’s doing okay now, but she hasn’t worked since. He sends them money and even moved them into a different house so she can move around easier.”

  Of course he did. He’s always been such an amazing guy and hearing this doesn’t surprise me at all.

  I’m silent as I let the thought of him sink in.

  Kaitlyn breaks through my thoughts. “So continue, sex club you were saying? I need to make it out to see you. San Francisco sounds like my kind of place.” She winks, and I laugh.

  She’d die to see such a large city with so many people around. I don’t think she’s left Warroad much, and the shock might be too much for her to take in.

  “So yeah. I figured out who he was but not until I’d already fallen for his friend.”

  “What?” She jumps in her seat, holding on to the steering wheel in shock before looking at me.

  “It’s a mess, Kaitlyn. But the worst part is I still haven’t spoken to him.”

  “Which one?”

  I look at her in disbelief. “Carter!”

  “You haven’t spoken to him about what?” She tiptoes around what I know she really wants to ask, but we’re nowhere near that question, not yet.

  “About anything.” I sigh. “I found out it was him and ran.” I look over at her, waiting for her disapproval, but it never comes.

  “So when was this?”

  “A week ago…?”

  She turns her head to me and back to the road as she tries to figure everything out. “Let me get this straight. You found him—or rather he found you—at a sex club I might add, and you guys still haven’t spoken?”

  I pull at the hem of my shirt, hating when I admit, “No. I don’t know what to do. What can I do?”

  “About what?”

  I whisper out, “About everything. It’s been so long, too long. Too much has happened.”

  “But none of that matters. It’s all in the past,” she says like it’s no big deal.

  “But is it? There’s so much to tell him but how do I—”

  “He knows,” she interrupts, gripping the steering wheel and not looking at me.

  My head falls and tears instantly fall freely. “How?”

  She looks at me, taking a deep breath. “Evangeline, you left. You took off, and I was so worried about you. So scared for months, shit, years. Don’t hate me, but I told him.”

  My head falls back ag
ainst the headrest as we sit in silence for a few seconds. I turn to look at her. “I could never hate you.”

  “I was just worried about you. I thought he needed to know.”

  “How did he react?”

  She lets out a sigh. “Let’s just say there were multiple times I wished I hadn’t told him.”

  “I’m sorry I put you in that position.”

  She shrugs, blowing it off. “I can’t blame you. I don’t know what I’d do in that situation, so I’m not one who can judge. Do you mind me asking what you did? With no mention of a child traveling with you, did you…?”

  I bite my lip before answering, “We had a boy. I gave him up for adoption.”

  She reaches over, squeezing my hand. “You know that’s the ultimate motherly sacrifice, right?”

  I shake my head slightly. “You’re the second person to tell me that this week.”

  “Well, it’s true. You knew you couldn’t give him a good life, so you found someone who could. I’m proud of you.”

  “I’m sure Carter doesn’t feel the same way.”

  “Hey, everything happens for a reason. You guys weren’t meant to be parents yet. He needed to get his degree and save lives. He would have quit and come back.”

  “See, that’s what I didn’t want.”

  “I know. I totally get it. And I know without a doubt he would have. I can’t say keeping it from him was right, but I’m saying I understand where you were coming from.”

  I smile at her, silently thanking her for agreeing with my logic from so many years ago.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Evangeline

  “Life hasn’t changed much around here,” Kaitlyn says as we walk down Main Street, heading to my favorite burger joint growing up.

  “I forgot how beautiful it was, though,” I say, looking around and taking a deep breath of fresh air.

  She stops, confused. “Beautiful? It’s just Main Street.”

  Laughing, I reply, “Yes, but the streets are clean, and I don’t have to worry about stepping in a bum’s pee as I walk down the sidewalk. And the air, my God, I forgot how good trees smell.”

  “You’re not serious, right?”

  “I wish I could say I wasn’t. San Francisco is not the cleanest place on the Earth. It’s more like the concrete jungle you hear people talk about.”

  “But bums’ pee?”

  I almost snort my reply. “Sometimes I wish pee was the only thing I had to deal with when it came to bums. You name it, I’ve seen it, and it’s not pretty.”

  “Okay, I’m beginning to think Warroad isn’t all that bad.”

  “No, it really isn’t,” I reply as we walk into my childhood heaven.

  I always loved this place. It was where my parents took me to celebrate my birthdays or when I aced my tests in school. For the first time in years, I don’t feel that punch in the gut whenever I think about them.

  I order the same thing I always did, a plain cheeseburger with a side of mac n’ cheese, and I’d always put the mac n’ cheese on the burger to eat them together. It sounds disgusting everywhere else, but here, it’s comfort food.

  I talk to a few people I haven’t seen in years but nothing could have prepared me for the surprise I got halfway through our meal. Kaitlyn and I were reminiscing about shenanigans we used to get into when I heard the doorbell chime upon opening. Without realizing why, I glanced in their direction to see Carter’s parents.

  His mom meets my eyes first, and a small smile appears on her face with a slight tilt to her head. She grabs her husband’s arm, leaning over to say something, causing him to look in my direction too. He nods his head, following the hostess to their seats, but she heads our way instead.

  I glance at Kaitlyn, who has her eyebrows raised, and she widens her eyes to me when she notices this is about to go down. They weren’t all that fond of me in high school, and now, I have no clue if they know about the child I gave up; their grandson.

  “Evangeline,” his mom, Judy, says in the sweetest manor as she approaches my table.

  Kaitlyn chokes on her food and instantly coughs into her napkin as I say, “Hi, Judy. Long time no see.”

  “Yes, darling, it has been a long time. How have you been?”

  Okay, she’s being nice to me. This is a first. “I’m good. How about you guys?”

  “We’re hanging in there. I talked to Carter last week, and he had mentioned he found you.”

  I’m so glad I just swallowed the drink I had taken, or I would have spat it out directly on her. Coughing to clear my throat, I respond, “He did?”

  “Yes, honey, he did. He’s been looking for you for years, you know?”

  I turn to Kaitlyn, not sure how much she knows about everything.

  “I can’t help but feel responsible too,” she finishes.

  “Um,” I say because I have no clue how else to respond.

  “I’m sorry. I was never terribly nice to you,” she says, reaching down to grab my hand, squeezing it lightly.

  I stay silent again, still in some state of shock.

  “I knew he really liked you, and I was so scared he’d give up his future for a high school fling. Then after your parents passed away and you disappeared, I’ve been carrying this guilt around. I knew you really needed him then, and I couldn’t help but feel I was the reason you ran away.”

  Her apology does feel nice, but I still have no idea what to say.

  “Well,” she says, letting go of my hand. “I just wanted to tell you that. And I’m sorry about your parents. I know it’s been a while, but I still think of them every time I drive past your old house.”

  Words finally escape my lips. “Thank you, Judy. I really appreciate your apology. It was a long time ago.” I try to blow it off.

  “Well, I’m glad to hear you’re doing so well, and I hope you keep in touch with Carter. I know he’d really like that. Enjoy your visit while you’re here.”

  “Thank you. It was good to see you.”

  “You too, hon.”

  She smiles at Kaitlyn and turns to leave us alone, my nerves and emotions a total wreck all over again.

  I’ve been back home for a few days, enjoying the overload of memories I’ve had running into old friends and hanging out at the lake, enjoying the sun. But I leave tomorrow, and there’s one place I have to visit before I go home.

  Kaitlyn said she’d come with me, but this is something I have to do on my own. I’ve only seen pictures of my parents’ gravestone and seeing it in real life makes me feel like for the first time I have some kind of closure.

  Memories of how many nights I’ve begged for one more day with them and now that I’m standing here, a sense of peace overwhelms me. I’ve felt their presence the entire time I’ve been back, and now that I’m at their grave, I feel them even more. It’s a feeling I’ve felt for many years yet I’ve never understood until now.

  The feeling that I’m not alone is something I can never describe. All these years I’ve felt I had no one yet it was me who made it that way. I’ve reconnected with all my friends, their parents, and even new people. Every person treated me like no time has passed, and I’m still the same person I was.

  And for the first time I feel like Evangeline again.

  I turn to walk back to my car but am stopped in my tracks when I see a man sitting with his back to me on a bench. The sun has started to go down, so his sunglasses are sitting backward on his head, cuffed around his ears and balancing on his neck, something only one person I know ever did.

  Carter.

  I always teased him for wearing them that way, and I see that some things haven’t changed. I should be freaking out, I should be nervous to talk to him, but the calmness I’ve just felt tells me it’s time. It’s time to face my past and to finally face him.

  Slowly, I walk up and sit next to him. Both of us look straight out on the makeshift pond they created at the cemetery, not saying a word.

  I feel his hand move, and when I look do
wn, I see that he’s holding it open, offering for me to take it in mine, and I accept. Wrapping my hand in his, we share this quiet moment that should have happened ten years ago.

  A tear slips out of my eye as I whisper, “I’m sorry.”

  He shakes his head but still doesn’t look at me. “Don’t be. I’m the one who should be sorry.” His head tilts down to his chest, and he grips my hand tighter. “I should have been there for you.”

  “But I’m the one who ran. Not you.”

  “Doesn’t matter. I put you in that situation, and I’ve had to live with that for this past decade. If I hadn’t left. If I had been more careful. If I hadn’t gotten you pregnant, you wouldn’t have run. You wouldn’t have been alone.”

  “No, Carter. Those were all my decisions.”

  He turns to me, and his eyes are red with tears he’s fighting back. “But I would have been there for you. We could have gone through it together.”

  “I know you would have. There was never a doubt in my mind that you would have come back. That’s why I left. I didn’t want you to give up what you worked so hard for.”

  “We could have figured something out. I don’t know, I could have gotten some kind of off-campus housing. There were these—”

  I stop him. There’s no reason to dwell on what we could have done. “We had a boy.”

  He takes a sharp inhale in. I lift my other hand that’s not wrapped in his to wipe my tears. “He was eight pounds, two ounces. I researched and met with multiple families to choose him the best one I could.”

  His head falls down again as his shoulders tremble.

  “I get letters from them often, but I’ve never opened one. It didn’t feel right without you by my side. I think I’m ready, though. To open them.”

  The most caring eyes I’ve ever seen meet mine with shock and excitement shining through. His arm reaches out to pull me in close to him. “I’d love to read them,” he whispers, kissing my forehead.

  With my head on his shoulder, we both sat in silence, staring out at the water, holding each other till the moonlight was all we saw.