Disillusioned Love

by Amy Lee Peine

  The blush that rushed to Alex’s face was unexpected and he fumbled for a barely noticeable moment before he winked and replied, “Not unless you ask me to.” It was Riana’s turn to blush. She couldn’t come up with a reply so instead she awkwardly laughed and went to take her seat at the table.

  They gathered around the dining room table and Lexi dished up Spencer’s food. Derek smiled as he watched her. Then, just as Derek voiced his curiosity as to where Matt and Tabitha might be, they came in from the back patio. “Sorry we’re late, I was just showing Tabs the pool.” Matthew explained as he pulled out Tabitha’s chair.

  “Oh good.” Riana smiled. “Again, feel free to use it whenever. The main house is always open too, so don’t be shy.” She rambled. She hated how rambling was another nervous habit, but she felt powerless to stop it.

  “Thank you.” Tabitha murmured softly. She looked across the table at Riana and smiled. “This really is a beautiful place, Riana.”

  “Thanks. It’s a great place to take a break. I usually stay here to write or as a de-stressor after I do a long run of speaking engagements.” Rambling again, she mentally kicked herself.

  “I can see why.” Tabitha affirmed as she took a bite of Alex’s homemade dinner.

  “When can we see the ponies?” Spencer asked excitedly. Riana looked over at him and laughed. He was adorable; light blonde hair, big blue eyes and a smile that could melt the coldest hearts.

  “Oh Spencer, it’s late already tonight. I promise I’ll introduce you to them tomorrow.” Riana assured.

  “In the morning?” Spencer asked as he clasped his hands together excitedly.

  “Late morning.” Riana confirmed with a laugh. While Spencer was nothing but joy, Riana couldn’t help but notice how Alex and Tabitha didn’t talk at all through dinner. Alex kept an eye on her though. He also kept his hand solidly on Riana’s knee and when he sensed her anxiety increase, he gave it a small squeeze. It was a private way for him to let Riana know he had her back. Derek, Sam, Lexi and Matt kept the conversation going but skillfully kept topics away from anything that might cause conflict.

  After dinner Matthew and Tabitha excused themselves back to the guest house with Spencer while Riana, Lexi, Sam, Derek, and Alex remained out back by the fire. Alex poured Riana another glass of wine and met her by the fire ring. There were a few lounge chairs, a patio couch and a couple more regular chairs placed around the ring. Derek and Lexi took the patio couch, Sam took a lounge chair and Alex got comfortable in the second lounge chair. Riana pursed her lips and clinked her nails against her wine glass. She met Alex’s eyes and he smiled warmly at her.

  He patted the spot in front of him, “Want to sit?” he asked. She nodded as she strolled over to him. Alex eased his legs open, Riana slid between them, and rested her back against his firm chest. His arms and hands comfortably found their place along her arms. Riana felt her whole body relax as she became surrounded by him. She easily melted into him. Alex placed his chin on top of her head, took a deep breath and caught the faded scent of her shampoo. He absentmindedly drew patterns on the bare skin of her arms. Riana barely heard the conversation that took place around her. The combination of wine and being so close to Alex left her head swimming.

  An insistent buzz on the table next to them brought Riana out of her haze. She looked over and was mildly horrified to see “Ryan Cell” light up the screen of her cell phone. She picked it up and took a deep breath as she answered. “Hey Ryan.” she said unenthusiastically as she leaned forward, away from Alex. Alex’s face turned agitated as Riana spoke to Ryan.

  “I haven’t heard from you in a while.” Ryan commented. Riana picked at stray strings on the cushion of the lounge chair.

  “I know. I’ve been busy. Writing.” She easily lied.

  “Right.” Ryan remarked sharply with obvious disbelief. Riana’s jaw became rigid and she rubbed her temple with her free hand.

  “What do you want Ryan?” She asked pointedly.

  “I want to see you.” He replied plainly. Riana knew it was not a request.

  “I...can’t.” She stammered. She grabbed her vertical labret with her teeth.

  Ryan quickly huffed on the other end of the line. “I haven’t seen you in months Ri.” He pointed out. Riana heard the frustration in his voice.

  Her eyes narrowed. “Now you know how it feels.” She snapped back. Over the years she had grown used to being abandoned by him, to wait around until he wanted her again. It was about time he chased her.

  “Riana.” Ryan started firmly. Her heart leapt at the tone of his voice and she fought to remain strong and not give in to his demand.

  “No. No, Ryan. I’m not at your beck and call anymore. I’m busy. Maybe I can make it up there in September. I don’t know. I have to go.” She didn’t say goodbye before she hung up. She was barely aware of her tears as she got off the lounge chair and wordlessly went inside.

  Alex was stunned, annoyed and heartbroken. It was a reminder, again, of how out of reach Riana was. He felt rejected when Riana got up and left them without so much as a word. Samantha got up quickly to follow Ri. She stopped behind Alex’s chair and placed her hand on his shoulder. “Let me talk to her.” She offered softly.

  Sam entered the house and found Riana at the kitchen island staring blankly at the wall. “Ri honey…” Sam started as she sat down next to her.

  “I’m just so fucking tired of it Sam.” Riana blurted. “I’m so sick of how he expects me to drop everything to be with him, but I’m not allowed to have any expectations of him.” Riana’s face was red, her eyes intense and her hands were gripped tightly together.

  “You have every right to be angry Ri, it’s not fair.” Sam assured.

  Suddenly the intensity of Riana’s face softened. “I don’t know what I’m doing.” She mumbled as she placed her forehead on the countertop. Sam reached over and rubbed her back.

  “What do you mean?”

  Riana kept her head down but turned her face in Sam’s direction. She frowned a bit as she took in Sam’s soft eyes. Sam had been with Riana for so many years, and faithfully took on the ups and downs of her life. “I... I don’t think… that I love him anymore.” Samantha could have sprung out of her chair and done a ridiculous happy dance, but figured it wouldn’t be appropriate. Sam gave Ri a sympathetic half-frown and nodded. Riana sighed and turned her head back to the cool granite.

  “It’s okay not to love him anymore honey. You have to trust yourself.” Sam paused. “You deserve better anyway.” She said. She leaned into Riana and wrapped her arm snugly around her shoulder.

  Riana again plopped her cheek against the countertop. “I know.” She admitted meekly. “I’ve just… I’ve loved him for so long.”

  “Maybe it’s finally come to its end Ri.” Samantha observed firmly. Riana nodded as she pulled out of Sam’s embrace and stood up.

  “I’m going to go lie down.” Sam frowned sadly but nodded. She watched Riana slowly proceed down the hallway and went back outside once she heard Ri’s bedroom door close.

  Everyone looked up as she stepped out and slid the glass door shut behind her. “She’s okay.” Sam assured. As she walked behind Alex she leaned over next to his ear and whispered, “She’s close, dear.” He gave her a half-hearted smile. It was obvious he didn’t want to be happy if Riana was in pain.

  Riana entered her room and ambled to her en suite to run a bath. She lit a handful of candles, shut off the lights, clipped her long hair up and eased into the steaming hot water. She closed her eyes as she felt sobs grip her chest. It tore her apart; to know how she and Ryan were three years ago, and to see how they were now. He wasn’t the same. She wasn’t the same. Ryan no longer made her happy. He didn’t make her laugh anymore. She no longer looked forward to hearing from him; in fact, she dreaded it. It seemed to Riana the only positive reaction she had to him was physical. Yet, even that lacked the passion it once had. It was habit, a conditioned response.

  Even as she attempted
to keep her focus on Ryan and her mixed feelings about her relationship with him, images of Alex appeared. Moments with him replayed; hysterical laughter, honest heart to hearts, and intellectual discussions. Then those moments that lit her on fire; slight touches, gazes, a draw into him that Riana felt she was becoming powerless to resist.

  Riana stepped out of the bath after she decided sleep might be her best course of action.

  Riana looked down at him, his beautiful face was set in peaceful sleep. She lightly traced her fingers along his jaw, then his lips. They were perfect; soft, pouty, and kissable. His chest was bare and she deliberately drug her nails off his lips, and down the center of his chest. He gave a deep moan and she caved. She climbed on top of him and straddled his waist. She leaned into him and nuzzled his ear. His hands urgently grasped her hips as he whimpered her name.

  “Riana.”

  “Riana. No.” Another voice called. Riana felt a force pull her away from Alex.

  “No!” She yelled. She frantically reached for Alex’s hands.

  “Riana!” Ryan hollered again as he ripped Riana away.

  “No! Alex!” She screamed as she jerked from sleep. Her body shook as she repeatedly shot her eyes around her empty room. She felt the all too familiar sense of panic grip her heart. Her breath caught between shallow breaths. She glanced to her left and saw it was 3:12am.

  Riana eased her door open and listened for any sounds of life. She didn’t hear anything but coyotes so she ventured into the hallway then padded up the stairs. She crept down the upstairs hallway and stood anxiously at Alex’s closed bedroom door. She turned the knob and lightly knocked.

  The room was dark and she heard his heavy breaths. She nervously tiptoed to the open side of the bed, gingerly lifted the covers and slid in next to him. Her arms instinctively reached out and grabbed him across his stomach as she snuggled into him. “Ri?” he murmured. He felt her tremble against him.

  “I had a bad dream.” She whispered shakily. “I needed you.”

  His head was foggy as he tried to comprehend the moment. He reached across and pulled her closer, his hot breath warmed her cheek as she rolled into him. “You have me Ri. You’re safe.” he mumbled, as he fought between sleep and consciousness.

  Riana closed her eyes and breathed deeply, his scent permeated every cell of her body and created a sense of comfort. “I love you Alex.”

  Alex’s heart leapt in his chest. He brought his lips to barely touch her forehead. “I love you Ri.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Dare You To Move

  Saturday August 26, 2006

  As the morning light crept into Alex’s room he remained still and thought back to the night before. He hated when Ryan called Riana; not specifically for selfish reasons, he hated how twisted he made her. Sam had told him she was close, she was getting to the point where she could see the end; he just wished the end could come without her having to face so much confusion and pain.

  Alex, Lexi, Derek and Sam had stayed outside for a few hours after Riana had left. Alex loved to watch Lexi and Derek together, he loved to see how close they had become. Lexi treated him so normally. They teased each other and seemed so at ease in each other’s company. Alex had found them off together often; in the pool, watching TV or movies, or cooking together. Lexi and Derek were almost as inseparable as Alex and Riana. If ever there was a woman Alex would approve of for his big brother, it’d be Lexi.

  Alex smiled softly as he thought of them, then as he thought of Riana. He finally opened his eyes to gaze down at her. She was still asleep and curled into him. He sighed. He knew it’s be easy to get used to having Riana in his bed.

  Alex pushed a wisp of hair behind her ear, closed his eyes, and remembered how she came to him. He felt terrible for her; she was so terrified and shaken up. He was happy though, that she knew she would be safe with him after a bad dream. He had been absolutely beside himself when she said she loved him. Although he wondered if perhaps she only said it because she thought he was asleep. He had been, for the most part. The moment the words passed by her lips they became etched into his mind and heart to hold on to forever.

  Alex laid still and admired Riana as she continued to sleep. She had a slight flush to her cheeks and her typically tame blonde hair was tangled in a bed head mess. She wore a tight tank and flimsy shorts which twisted around and exposed her smooth, tan skin. She was beautifully fit, yet curvy in all the right ways. “You’re so beautiful.” Alex whispered as he kissed the top of her head. Riana squirmed a bit then brought her hand up to the side of his face.

  “No… you’re beautiful…” She slurred. “Let’s go… roller coaster…” Alex chuckled as he realized Riana was pretty much still unconscious, and dreaming about roller coasters.

  “Uncle D!” Spencer yelled as he ran through the back patio door with Matthew and Tabitha. He barreled into the kitchen where Derek and Lexi worked on breakfast. Derek scooped Spencer up with a quick laugh.

  “How’s it goin’ little man?”

  “Riana is going to show me ponies today!”

  Spencer gushed.

  “I know!” Derek enthused.

  Lexi smiled at them as she mixed pancake batter. “She’s not quite up yet though.” She said. “How about breakfast?”

  “Yeah.” Spencer grinned.

  “Spence.” Matthew scolded from the kitchen

  island.

  “Yes, please, Lexi.” Spencer softly corrected.

  “Alright, go take a seat, I’ll bring pancakes in a few minutes.” Lexi promised as Derek put Spencer down. “I’m going to get Ri for breakfast. Matt, you want to wake Alex?” Lexi asked as she wiped her hands on her apron.

  “Will do.” Matt agreed. He gave Tabitha a quick kiss then bounded down the hall and up the stairs.

  “Looks like I’ll bring breakfast to the table.” Derek chuckled and winked at Tabitha. Tabitha eased around the kitchen island and approached Derek at the stove.

  “I’ll help you D.” She offered as she nudged his side.

  “Thanks.” Derek smiled as he pulled down a stack of plates. “Did you sleep well?”

  “Wonderfully, actually.” Tabitha said. “It’s a very cozy guest house.” Derek nodded. He discovered he slept better in the main house than he had in a long time.

  “Spence seems excited about the horses.” He commented. Tabitha laughed heartily.

  She grabbed the stack of plates from Derek. “He’s downright beside himself. He hasn’t stopped talking about it since Riana mentioned it at the airport.” She paused and looked at Derek. “She is a nice woman, isn’t she Derek?”

  Derek sighed sympathetically. “She really is Tabs. I know this must be… hard for you. But maybe if you don’t think of her as the woman who sparked the fight that ended Kim’s relationship with Alex, but rather as one of our friends it’d be… easier for you.”

  She nodded thoughtfully but wouldn’t give in. She smiled softly, “Lexi seems nice too.”

  Derek laughed as he thought about Lexi and how wonderful she was. “Lexi is great.”

  Matthew took the steps, every other one, and gave a quick knock before he opened Alex’s door. “Hey Al--” He stopped, the scene that met him a bit of a surprise, and yet, not really.

  Alex was still in bed, which wasn’t a surprise to Matt, but as Alex lifted his finger to his lips to silence Matt, he noticed sweet Riana was asleep and curled into him. “She had a bad dream.” Alex whispered softly as he gazed down at her and stroked her hair.

  Matthew smiled softly as he got closer. “Well,” he whispered, “breakfast is done if you want to come down.” Alex nodded but didn’t take his eyes off Riana. Matt watched them for a moment, touched by the obvious love Alex had for her, and that she had for him.

  Matt silently turned around, left the room and re-shut Alex’s door. Just as he got to the top of the stairs he was met with Lexi on her way up. “Is Riana--”

  “Yeah, she’s with Alex. Still sleeping.” He gently
interrupted. “Alex is up though, I’m sure he’ll bring her down in a few.” Lexi smiled at him. “Let’s go eat.” They got back downstairs where Derek and Tabitha had already started to serve Spencer. Spencer excitedly told Derek, again, about how he was about to see the horses and how he couldn’t wait until Riana let him ride one. Matthew was silently thankful that no one asked the whereabouts of Alex and Riana.

  Riana felt his hands on her upper arm as he slowly rubbed her smooth skin. Then she heard his voice, “Ri...sweetheart... we should get up.” Riana groaned and refused to open her eyes.

  “No.” She grumbled.

  She felt the laughter rumble through him. “But everyone is downstairs waiting for us to join them for breakfast.”

  Riana groaned again as she stretched. “Fine.” She conceded. “But I’m not happy about it.” She cuddled into the blankets deeper in an attempt to delay the inevitable.

  “Oh, I know dear. Me either. But you did make a promise to Spencer, and being as it’s 9am, it’s getting pretty close to ‘late morning’.” He laughed.

  Riana sat up and eyed him. “Late morning by who’s definition?” She blurted incredulously. “Certainly not mine.” Alex grinned at her and she was once again struck by how beautiful he was. He crawled out of bed, stood up, and looked down at her. She suddenly felt vulnerable, but in a good way. She felt a need to lay back down and beckon him to her. Instead, she grabbed his outstretched hand and got out of bed.

  Alex laced his fingers through Riana’s then pulled her to him. He was warm and comforting. “I hope you didn’t have any more bad dreams last night.” He murmured softly.

  Riana flushed at the amount of skin to skin contact but shook her head. “Once I was… here, it was fine.” She wanted to say once she was there, with him.

  Alex kissed her forehead. “Good.” He pulled back and led her out of his room and down the stairs. The downstairs was alive with the sounds of a family breakfast; chatter, laughter, clinking of silverware. Riana decided to head to her bedroom quickly to change into some more conservative pajamas before she joined everyone.