Disillusioned Love

by Amy Lee Peine

  Alex swung his legs over the wall then hopped down. “It is. But don’t think you think it’s this hard because of things left unsaid?” Riana snapped her eyes to him.

  “Like what Alex?”

  He searched her eyes and debated if he should say what truly needed to be said. It was blatantly obvious she was in pain. His jaw tightened and he shook his head lightly. “Nothing I guess.” He sighed. He reached for her hands and locked his deep brown eyes on hers. “I’m going to miss you Ri.” Riana’s lip quivered as eyes welled up. “If you change your mind… About coming to New York, just call me okay?”

  Riana barely nodded. Alex raised Riana’s hands to his face and nuzzled them. He placed a soft kiss to the inside of her right wrist. Riana’s chest tightened and she fought to control the tears that threatened to spill over. “I will.” She whispered. Her typically ultramarine eyes had transitioned to a dovetail grey as they glanced up to his solemn face. Alex realized that he grief was so deep it literally changed her. “It’s time to leave.” She choked out. Alex swallowed thickly and nodded.

  Riana and Alex trudged out of the barn to find Derek, Matt, Lexi and Sam by the Jeep. They had everyone's bags already loaded. Riana took a deep breath. She was determined to make it through the three hour drive and the departure at the airport without tears. The way Alex squeezed her hand in urgent desperation did not help her plan. Lexi found Riana's eyes and gave a sad smile. Riana approached her and let Alex's hand slip out of hers. "Lex, could you drive? I'm not exactly feeling up to it."

  "Of course Ri." She agreed as she took the keys from Riana. Lexi turned and opened the driver's door as Derek climbed into the front passenger seat. Riana turned back around and took Alex's hand once more to be led to the seats farthest back in the Jeep.

  Matthew and Samantha chatted as they took the middle seats and even though there was plenty of space for Alex and Riana to sit on opposite ends, she chose to nestle in next to him. Alex had no complaints, he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her into him. "Oh, I'll be staying with Riana for a while yet." Samantha told Matthew when he asked about upcoming plans. "I don't have anything planned until mid-September, then I'll be heading to the New Orleans area." Riana's mind turned the chatter between Matt and Sam into nothing but an incomprehensible murmur. Alex held her and rubbed her arm as she snuggled further into him. She wanted to savor the last three hours she had.

  "Now, before you all leave, I think I speak for all three of us women when I say; you're not getting out until we get a private concert here in the Jeep." Lexi laughed.

  "Oh, I totally concur." Riana agreed, her eyes finally sparkled when she looked up at Alex. He grinned at her; it warmed his soul to know how much she loved when he sang.

  "Oh I suppose." Alex laughed. The guys did a couple soulful Motown classics and two of their own. The energy finally got to Riana and she rocked and danced in her seat as the guys sang. Sam reached her hand over the seat to Riana, they clasped their hands together and swayed to the rhythm.

  The break in tension and sadness was embraced by everyone. Riana smiled at Alex and instead of having to fight tears when she leaned into him she fought laughter as he continued to tell hilarious stories of Matthew's misfortunes over the years. "Oh my God, I totally remember when he did that." Samantha howled after Alex finished the story of Matt's seasickness when they performed on a cruise. Matthew was unaware of his inability to handle the sea and it turned out to be a horrible time for both D.M.A and the fans.

  "It's okay Matt, we still love you. We just won't take you on any cruises." Lexi laughed from the front.

  Riana became quiet again as they penetrated the city, it wouldn't be long until they reached the airport. Her heart rate increased and her palms formed the slightest layer of sweat. She despised goodbyes. Everyone else slowed their chatter as well. Matthew gazed over the seat and grimaced sadly at Alex. Alex glanced down at Riana, nestled once again in his side, and frowned.

  The Jeep slowly made some turns as Lexi pulled into the parking garage. Riana mentally shook her head and tried to deny that within minutes Alex would be ripped from her and flown thousands of miles away.

  Lexi and Derek got out first, followed by Matt and Samantha. Alex sighed deeply underneath Ri. "We have to go." He whispered hoarsely. Riana nodded against him, pulled back and allowed him to climb out. She swallowed the beginning of her tears and followed.

  "Holy shit, Matthew, what's in here, your hair products?" Derek bellowed with a laugh as he pulled an unusually heavy bag from the back. Riana snorted.

  "Actually, I think those are his shoes." Samantha teased.

  "Wow, Matt, I don't even have that many shoes." Riana nudged him with a wink.

  "Ha, ha. Whatever, just give it to me." He commented dryly as he grabbed the bag from Derek.

  Everyone loaded up and proceeded to check-in. Riana, Lexi and Sam stood by the side as the guys checked their luggage. "You hanging in alright honey?" Sam asked. "Both of you, actually." She added as she watched Lexi gaze sadly at Derek.

  "Yeah, it's okay. I mean, we're not serious or anything." Lexi rationalized. "I'm sure he'll call once they land in New York." She forced a smile to Sam.

  "I'm fine." Riana attempted to declare, but her tight voice revealed she was anything but fine.

  The guys turned from the counter and slowly approached Sam, Lexi and Ri. Before they reached them they looked at each other, and placed their bags on the ground. Matthew softly counted out with three snaps of his fingers.

  Riana, Lexi and Sam's smiles grew as they watched the corniness unfold in the guys’ spontaneous rendition of Peter, Paul and Mary’s “Leaving On A Jet Plane.” “Are they seriously doing this?” Riana hissed to Lexi.

  Lexi giggled, "They sure are." The small crowd that had gathered in the terminal while the guys sang burst into applause when the guys finished and picked up their carry-ons. They sauntered back to the women, who were still full of grins and giggles.

  Lexi wrapped her arms quickly around Derek and met him in a full kiss. "I'm going to miss your craziness." She laughed.

  Derek squeezed her tightly and kissed her again. "And I'm going to miss everything about you. I'll call when I get in, okay?" Lexi nodded as a quick tear escaped. Derek wiped it away gently.

  Matt squeezed Samantha and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. "You are by far one of the most entertaining and random people I know. You're fantastic Sam. I can't wait to see you again."

  "Me too Matt." She sighed as she squeezed around his waist. He pulled back and smiled sadly at her.

  Matthew turned and found Riana saying goodbye to Derek and waited patiently for his turn. Riana fought against her tears as Derek released her and Matthew stepped in. "Ri." He breathed. She bit her lip and rushed to his embrace. "Remember what I told you, Ri. Be true to yourself. You deserve amazing things, and I promise you'll find them." She nodded against him without a word. "I love you Riana. So much."

  "I love you too, Matt." Her voice broke but she still refused to let her tears fall. "Call me later?"

  "Of course." Matthew placed a solid kiss to Riana's forehead as he closed his eyes.

  Matthew, Derek, Lexi and Sam proceeded towards security while Alex said goodbye to Riana. Riana watched them walk away and felt sobs creep up her throat. Alex walked up behind her and draped his arms over her shoulders and chest. He squeezed her from behind and she sighed. She turned to him and was unable to fight the anguish any longer when she was met with his tear-streaked face. "It's not fair." She wailed as she reached her arms around him and grasped his shoulders. "I don't want you to leave." She mumbled.

  "I don't want to leave either, Ri. But I asked you to come with, you said--"

  "I know what I said!" She cried. "It doesn't make it easier." Alex tightened his grip on her. He placed his head on top of hers and took a deep breath.

  "I love you Ri." He whispered. Riana froze for a quick moment, then allowed the tears to fall. Slowly at first, but then it seemed they cam
e faster and faster until she was unable to control them. "Let me know if you need anything. I'll call you as soon as we land."

  Riana nodded as sobs overtook her body. She twisted his t-shirt in her hands and felt as though she would lose complete control. Her knees were about to give out and her breathing was unstable. Alex pulled back and found her eyes through their tears. He caressed her face as he watched her cry. His tongue snaked out and wet his lip as he leaned into her. Riana closed her eyes as Alex placed his lips softly against hers. "I love you." He whispered again.

  "I love you." She breathed against his lips. Her chest tightened and her mind turned black. She cried harder as she wished he loved her the way she needed. It was too soon for him to leave, she was still confused. She needed him there to help her figure it out. As he took a couple steps from Riana, Lexi and Sam hurried to be at her side. Alex continued through first class security and felt his heart break as Riana fell into Sam and Lexi, overcome with despair.

  Samantha sat in the far back with Riana as Lexi drove back to the ranch. Riana was inconsolable. Her tears had dried, but the painful wails remained. Sam’s heart broke as she watched her while Lexi fought her own tears in the front. Riana eventually cried herself to sleep, but was in a fitful rest. Her heart attempted to show her what she needed through her dreams, but she fought it endlessly.

  “Sweetheart, we’re home.” Samantha whispered as she rubbed Riana’s arm. Ri opened her eyes, but when they befell on the empty Jeep the sobs started again. “Shhh…. oh honey.” Sam soothed as she held Riana close to her chest. “Want some tea?” She offered softly. Riana nodded as she pulled back. “Alright, let’s go in. Settle in on the couch and I’ll make you some.”

  Riana did as she was told. She found her feet were heavy and her shoulders seemed to bear too much weight. She shuffled into the theater and burrowed underneath her Sherpa throw. She glazed over, refused to talk to Lexi and Sam, and sipped her tea.

  Lexi and Sam let Riana be and sat together outside. “I’m glad you’ll be staying with her for a while, Sam. I don’t think this is going to go well for her.”

  Samantha frowned. “I know. I wish I could say I’ll stay as long as she needs me, but I already had that trip planned. Plus, I know she plans on leaving soon to see Ryan.”

  “God, that’s essentially the last damn thing she needs right now.” Lexi grumbled.

  Riana got up, after she struggled to finish a quarter of her tea, and drug herself to her bedroom. She opened the door and shuffled in, but instantly noticed something out of place. She skewed up her face as she looked at her bed. She bit her lip as she approached her light lavender comforter. Placed gently on top of it were three t-shirts. Alex. She hurriedly climbed atop her bed and brought a light blue t-shirt to her face. His scent infiltrated her senses. She curled into a ball and clutched the small piece of him to her chest. Each time she would take in his scent her exhales turned into deeper and more heart-wrenching sobs. Everything had gone so horribly wrong. It wasn’t supposed to feel this way.

  Alex ignored Matt and Derek on the flight home and chose instead to scribble some lyrics. Derek watched him sadly. “He’ll be alright, D.” Matthew assured.

  “I hope so.” Derek mumbled. He placed his ear buds in and laid his head back. He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep quickly.

  Riana’s phone called to her. She didn’t recall falling asleep but she rubbed her eyes quickly before she reached for her phone. Alex’s t-shirt was still clenched in her hand, she lifted it up and inhaled deeply. She swiped her finger across the screen. “Hello?”

  “Hey.” Ryan greeted. Riana’s heart instantly fell. She should have known Alex hadn’t landed yet.

  “Hi.” She mumbled.

  “Listen, I have some time off in a week, I thought you could come see me.” She grimaced when she noted how he didn’t ask her.

  “Um, yeah, I think I could do that.” She relented. “I’ll check out some flights and let you know. I’m... not feeling well right now though, I have to go.” He accepted her excuse and quickly got off the line. Her heart tightened, she knew had it been Alex on the other end he would have at least asked if she was okay. She groaned and threw herself into her pillow.

  “Hey honey, it’s me. I know it’s super late, I figured you’d be asleep by now. I just wanted to let you know we got home safely.” He paused and took a deep breath. “I miss you Ri.” Alex ended the call and placed his phone on his bedside table. He laid back and chased elusive sleep.

  Sunday September 10, 2006

  “I’m only going for a few days.” Riana attempted to assure Samantha that her trip to Minnesota would be fine. Sam didn’t want her to go. Her fear was that Ryan would successfully twist Riana around his finger again. The two weeks with the guys had been so good for Riana, even with all the drama. Going back to Ryan would ruin all the progress Riana had made.

  “I don’t want you to go at all, Ri.” Samantha grumbled as they sorted through Riana’s closet.

  “I know Sam, okay? I get it. I just… I have to do this. I need to know what he wants from me.” Riana explained.

  “You know what he wants.” Sam mumbled snidely.

  “Samantha!” Riana gasped. “That’s enough.” She warned.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  I Go Back

  September 12, 2006

  Riana was anxious to fly back to Minnesota to see Ryan. She didn’t know why she felt the need to see him. She had always been a bit powerless when it came to his requests, and this one was no exception. Even though she knew the whole thing was in pieces she decided to go. She figured it would either help her figure things out with him or complicate her life further.

  Ryan said that he’d pick her up from the airport but he had told her that before and never showed, so she had her doubts. Riana tried to distract herself from her worries with writing but she spent most of her time at odds with a blank screen. She was acutely aware that a couple of young women examined her from three seats over. D. M. A. fans, she figured. If that were the case she knew she probably shouldn’t shoot death beams from her eyes at them--no matter how badly she wanted to.

  Her flight was right on time; landed at 2:03pm. 82 degrees and sunny. Not bad for September in Minnesota. Riana thought. As she grabbed her bags she noticed the ladies staring at her again. She forced a polite smile and let them move ahead of her in line. One gave her a small smile while the other attempted to cause Riana’s spontaneous combustion through her evil glare. Riana snorted as she figured the woman must have been “Team Kim.” She sighed and followed them out to the gate.

  Riana saw no sign of Ryan so she proceeded down the corridor, took the elevator down a level and then approached the car rental station. Which was exactly when she heard him; cool, calm, almost indifferent. “Riana.” He lacked the barely noticeable southern accent and playfulness that Alex had. Ryan’s voice was like home to her though. A home that suddenly made her nervous.

  She turned to him and felt tremors in her hands and her heart. “Ryan.” She smiled artificially. He smiled back as he came closer to embrace her. Riana’s heart broke a little when she noticed that his smile didn’t meet his eyes the way Alex’s smiles always did.

  Ryan barely spoke to Riana as they drove from the Minneapolis airport to his place in Plymouth, save for generic small talk. Ryan’s hand was possessively on her thigh, she knew what he expected and oddly enough she found herself still willing to give it to him. She wasn’t sure if it was a physical need, or because it was the only time she felt anything from him. She frantically fought to balance the internal battle of desire and resistance.

  As she shut Ryan’s apartment door behind her he kissed her neck and murmured that he had missed her. Riana’s stomach knotted. Ryan’s lips lacked the tenderness Alex’s had. Yet, she allowed Ryan to bring her to bed as she tried hopelessly to believe there was more to their relationship than that.

  Ryan was detached; cold almost. Riana clenched her eyes closed and fought to
keep the tears at bay. She felt used, dirty, and unloved. After he finished Riana’s heart crumbled and the tears broke free. “Sugar, what’s wrong?” Wow, he actually noticed. She thought snidely.

  “I just missed you so much.” She easily lied. “I’m actually pretty tired. Is it okay if I catch a quick nap?” Ryan smiled and nodded as he got out of bed, dressed and left her alone. Riana held herself tightly and sobbed. She knew she shouldn’t have been there.

  Riana’s ringtone called out to Alex and he quickly pulled his phone from his pocket. “Riana, dear, I take it you made it safely back to Minnesota?” He assumed quickly.

  “Yes, she did.” A male voice replied. Alex stopped short in the kitchen and his eyes turned cold. Matthew and Derek noticed the instant change and tried to catch Alex’s eye to figure out what was happening. Alex pulled his phone from his ear and changed it to speaker.

  Alex took a deep breath and attempted to calm himself. “Ryan.” He stated simply. Matt and Derek exchanged worried glances.

  “You’re damn right, Alex.” Ryan confirmed, his voice thick with indignation. “Listen here, boy, I want you to stay away from Riana.”

  Alex’s jaw clenched as his hand reached for the kitchen counter. “I don’t think you have the authority to dictate who Riana spends her time with or who she talks to.” Alex retorted as calmly as he could manage.

  “Of course I have the authority.” He growled. “She’s mine Alex. I refuse to allow this to continue, and you will respect that.” He threatened.

  Alex’s knuckles turned white from the intense grip he had on the counter. “Respect!?” He bellowed. “Do you even know the meaning of the word? I won’t respect your insistence that Riana and I don’t talk considering you don’t even respect her. If you respected her at all you wouldn’t try to control her the way you do. You’d treat her the way she deserves.”