Disillusioned Love

by Amy Lee Peine

  “You know nothing about how I treat her.” Ryan spat.

  “I know more than you think.” Alex replied simply. “I will not ‘stay away’ from Riana until the request comes from her, you got that?” He muttered. “I won’t disregard my friendship with her just because some asshole is on a power trip.”

  “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure the request comes from Riana.” Ryan vowed coolly. Alex didn’t like the way Ryan was so sure of the control he had over Riana.

  Alex’s jaw tightened again. There was a sound of shuffling and then he heard her. “What request?” She questioned. Alex looked to Matt and Derek. “Ryan? Who’s on the phone? Wait—is that my phone?”

  “There you go Ryan, why don’t you try to explain this to her?” Alex taunted.

  “Go to hell, Alex.” He grumbled before the call was disconnected.

  Alex gently put his phone down, then turned and punched the wall as he yelled, “I can’t fucking believe him!” Matthew was quickly behind Alex. He pulled Alex’s arms back to his sides. Alex’s fist had left a hefty hole in the wall and pieces of drywall fell to the floor. “I’ll fucking kill him.” He threatened as he shook against Matthew’s hold.

  “Alex?” Riana questioned. “Why were you talking to Alex?” Her eyes were intense and her brow furrowed deep into her forehead. Her breathes quickened and her hands trembled.

  Ryan looked at her with a coldness in his eyes she had never seen before. “You aren’t to talk to him anymore Riana.” He fumed as he threw Riana’s phone at her. She caught it and stared at the blank screen.

  She shook her head in disbelief. “You’re kidding right?” Ryan’s still face told her he wasn’t. “I cannot believe you Ryan! You can’t tell me who I can and cannot talk to!” Riana felt the hot flush of anger infiltrate her cheeks.

  “If you love me, you’ll understand why you have to stop this.” He retorted evenly.

  Hot tears welled up in Riana’s eyes. “That’s not fair.” She whispered between ragged breaths. She sank into Ryan’s old, brown couch as he approached her.

  “Do you love me?” He questioned as he stood in front of her. His frame was much smaller than Alex’s but it didn’t make him any less imposing.

  Riana didn’t raise her eyes to his. “That’s not the point.”

  He scared Riana when he slammed his hands into the wall behind her as he yelled, “That is the point Riana! You can’t say you love me then be with him all the time!” Riana flinched. Ryan had never been like this before, his chest flushed and he kept pounding his hands against the wall. Riana’s body began to tremble. She was both terrified and enraged. “You need to call him and tell him all this consorting is over.” He snarled.

  “I won’t.” She uttered.

  “Dammit Ri!” He yelled as he hit the wall again. “If you want us to work you need to call him!” He stormed away from her and paced the living room. Riana surveyed the disarrayed room and found her bag next to the door.

  “No!” She yelled as she furiously wiped tears from her eyes. She jumped off the couch and sprinted to the door.

  “Where are you going?” He called after her. He pinned Riana to the door, his face red and eyes bloodshot. “If you walk out that door, we’re done.” Riana tightened her grip on the handle to her bag as Ryan’s hands tightened their grip on her upper arms.

  Riana took a deep breath and gathered all the courage she had. “Then I guess we’re done.” She twisted out of his grasp and flung the door open. She didn’t bother to close it as she rushed down the hallway.

  “You are such a fucking bitch Riana!” He screamed after her. “Run off and be the whore you are!”

  His words cut right through her and turned everything they once had into a vicious, dirty lie. She ran down the stairs and out the main door, only to realize she didn’t have a car with her. “Fucking hell.” She muttered as she shakily dug out her phone. She looked up a local taxi service and called for a ride to the nearest car rental business. She provided them with an address four blocks away as she decided she had to burn off the adrenaline somehow. She also had to get as far away from Ryan as possible.

  Riana kept herself together long enough to get to the car rental business, pay the taxi driver and process a rental agreement on a car. She quickly lost it the moment she sat in the driver’s seat. She cried hysterically. She couldn’t breathe and couldn’t see through the tears. Ryan had terrified her; brought her back to moments of being hurt by so many other men. Her heart felt like it had been ripped from her chest and tossed into a blender set to puree. Three years of her life, gone in an instant. Alex had tried to call her at least a six times since she left Ryan’s. She couldn’t answer; she knew she couldn’t hear his voice without being in the safe embrace of his arms.

  Eventually she settled enough to put the car in drive and leave it all behind. She finally pulled over at a rest stop in Nebraska when she decided she should probably contact someone to let them know she was okay. She shut off her phone shortly after she started to drive six hours ago. She couldn’t bring herself to deal with anyone. Riana thought the best when she drove; music turned up, windows down, and a tight grip on a leather steering wheel.

  She got out of the rented Jetta and turned on her phone. She groaned and ignored the numerous notifications of text messages, missed calls and voicemails. She went straight to Lexi’s number. “Oh my God Ri!” Lexi blurted when she picked up the phone. “What the hell is going on? Are you okay? D called me, Alex is totally freaking out. Ri!?” She finally paused enough for Riana to speak.

  Riana closed her eyes against the breeze. “Lexi.” She sighed. “I… can’t talk about it yet. I just… I need you to call Alex and let him know I’m okay. Please?”

  “Where are you Ri?” She asked quickly.

  “I’m...driving. Can you call Alex?” Riana didn’t want to dive into everything quite yet.

  Thankfully, Lexi knew Riana well enough not to push. “Yeah, Ri, I’ll call him.” She complied. “Please be careful.” She whispered softly. Riana pursed her lips as she dug a small trench in the dirt parking lot with the toe of her shoe. “Let me know if you need anything.”

  “Of course, Lex. I’ll talk to you… later.” Riana turned her phone off and got back into the driver’s seat.

  Lexi took a deep breath after she hung up with Ri. Riana wasn’t doing well, that much had been blatantly obvious. Lexi wished Ri would have told her more about what happened. All Lexi had gotten from Derek when he called what that Ryan had called Alex from Ri’s phone and demanded that Alex leave Ri alone. Alex was losing his mind. Lexi highlighted Alex’s name and hit talk. “Did you talk to her?” He asked the instant he answered.

  “I did.” Lexi acknowledged simply.

  “What’s going on? Is she okay? Where is she?” He fired rapidly.

  “All I know is she said she’s okay. She asked me to call and tell you she’s okay. I wish I could tell you more, dear, but she didn’t say much aside from that.” Lexi explained quietly.

  “Where is she? Please tell me she’s not still there… with him.” He pleaded desperately.

  Lexi’s heart broke for Alex. “She said she was driving. She thinks well when she drives Alex. I’m sure she’s okay.” The truth was Lexi knew Riana had to be an absolute wreck. She didn’t want to say that to Alex though, he wouldn’t be able to handle the knowledge that Riana was falling apart and he wasn’t there to help pick up the pieces. She knew he’d feel that way, because that was exactly how she felt. Lexi looked around her apartment and considered packing her own bag and leaving to be with Ri, but she wasn’t positive as to where Riana would end up. “We just have to give her some time and space.”

  “She needs me Lex.” Alex argued. His voice broke as he fought to contain his emotions.

  “You’re right Alex, and when she’s ready to see that, you’ll be the first to know. I'll let you know if I hear from her again.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Wake Me Up When September
Ends

  Riana was flooded with memories and emotions as she drove. Some made her laugh, others brought stinging tears back to her eyes. She had to be careful of the music she allowed to rush through the speakers, as too often music was a bigger trigger than anything else for her--next to smells. Anytime the system would select a D.M.A. song she frantically found the skip button before Alex’s voice met her ears.

  Unfortunately, even things that should have been neutral weren’t. The moment The Temptations spilled from the speakers Riana was brought back to the morning with Matt and Alex as they made breakfast; how she danced and sang with them, the sensation of Alex’s hands on her hips rushed back to her mind. Suddenly the intrusive memory of them in the kitchen as they shared their first kiss surged to the front of her mind. Riana could have sworn she could still feel his lips meld against hers, the slight burn of his scruff against her chin. She fought the image but it wouldn’t disappear. As her hands slid over the steering wheel her palms seemed to recall the feeling of Alex’s strong arms underneath them. Her body betrayed her mind.

  As the soulful strums of Jonny Lang’s “Leaving To Stay” filled her ears she decided to pull over. Sometimes one just had to give into emotions. Jonny’s voice called out to her as he sang. She had been deceived for years. Riana finally saw a side of Ryan she never thought existed. The anger, the contempt, and the unrealistic demands to keep her isolated. It was time, for Riana to leave to stay. She vowed not to be led back into Ryan’s twisted web of confusion and maltreatment. Her resolve didn’t lessen the pain, however. The end of her relationship with Ryan ended a whole part of her life. He had been intricate to so many things in her life. It was almost impossible for her to accept that the good parts had been valid, even if it had eventually changed into something different and hurtful. Ryan had made Riana better at one time. Her laughter with him used to be genuine. She used to see herself through his eyes; beautiful, funny, smart and worthy. Unfortunately, she could see herself through his eyes now too; disposable, vulnerable and controllable. She didn’t want to be those things.

  She just wanted to be herself.

  She wiped the tears from her eyes and put the car back in drive. Nebraska was monotonous but the further away from Minnesota she got, the better she felt. She scanned through her music files and settled on a heavy mix of Marilyn Manson, Korn and Tool. At least they didn’t bring back any overwhelming memories. Riana screamed out the lyrics and let the anger burst out of her.

  Wednesday September 13, 2006

  1:03am

  Studio time for D.M.A, or any band, can be difficult at times, but downright impossible if one of the members was emotionally distracted. Alex was a wreck and couldn’t focus on anything. His distraction angered him. He was generally pissed off about everything, but beat himself up over the fact he couldn’t get the music right. Matthew had assured him it was okay, that they could take a break. They were independent artists and didn’t have such a strict schedule to adhere to anymore. Alex shot Matt down and fought harder to push through. A buzz on the table caught Matthew’s attention. He was shocked to see Riana’s name on the screen. He stood up quickly and excused himself to Derek as he walked out of the studio. “Hello?” He questioned.

  “Hey Matt.” She greeted softly.

  “Ri.” He murmured as he gently closed the door behind him.

  There was a long moment of silence, but Matt didn’t attempt to fill it. They hadn’t heard from Riana at all since Ryan called Alex and Matt didn’t want to push her. “I, um, thought maybe I should call.” She paused. “I didn’t expect him to do anything like that, Matt.” She confessed as he heard her cries break through.

  “Oh, Ri, I know you didn’t.” Matt assured as he sat down in the quiet hallway.

  “He…” Matt heard her voice catch, “he scared me Matt.” She sobbed. A mixture of pain and anger shot through Matthew. He couldn’t help or rescue her nine years ago, but he’d be damned if he wouldn't try now.

  “Ri, are you safe now?” He asked. “Do you need us to come get you? We can get a flight yet tonight.” He offered hurriedly. The thought of anyone scaring or hurting her drove Matt into protective dad mode. He knew how much she had loved Ryan, and how much he meant to her, he couldn’t imagine the pain and confusion she must have been dealing with.

  “No. No, Matt, I’m fine. Well… no, I’m not fine. But I’m safe, Matt, I promise. You stay there.” She thwarted Matt’s offer. “I left. I’m… driving. Somewhere, I haven’t decided where yet. I just need some time to think.”

  “I understand.” Matt conceded. He felt defeated and helpless. “Alex… is worried about you.” He pushed quietly.

  “I can’t, Matt. I can’t hear his voice right now. I feel horrible about the things Ryan said to him. I’m so angry. I feel so… stupid for not seeing the truth earlier.”

  “You’re not stupid, Ri. So far from it. You’re loyal and loving. Ryan took advantage of you. It’s not your fault.” Matt heard Riana’s breaths get choppy. “Ri, do you want me to come? I don’t have to tell Alex where I’m going. I feel terrible you’re alone in this right now.”

  Riana caught her breath. “That’s… sweet Matthew. It really is. But no, I need to be alone. Please, just assure Alex I’m okay. Tell him...I’m sorry. And...and that I… miss him.”

  “Of course I will. But Ri? I think you need to tell him too. I know you can’t talk to him, I get that. Maybe just a quick text message? He needs something from you, I don’t think he can take this much longer. I know it’s only been about ten hours, but I think it’s been the worst ten hours of his life quite honestly.” Matthew knew he was pushing his luck by saying it, but someone had to. He couldn’t allow his best friend, who was more like a little brother, suffer much longer. If he could assist in giving him something to settle his heart and mind, he would.

  “Okay.” Riana choked out.

  “Ri, honey, please let us know if you need anything. Anything at all. Any of us would be there in an instant if you asked.” He promised.

  “I know, Matt. But you guys are busy. You have an album to finish. Don’t worry about me, I’ve been through worse things than this.” She attempted to give a small laugh but failed miserably.

  “I love you Ri.” Matt whispered though he’d never admit the depths of his statement.

  “I love you too Matt.” She sighed. She hung up and Matt remained in the hallway. He let the tears fall as his heart broke for her.

  Alex sat at the piano and fumed as nothing came together. Nothing felt right. He stared at the discordant keys and ground his teeth until he felt his pocket vibrate. Typically D.M.A. had a rule of no cellphones in the instrument area of the studio, but Alex had to keep it with him--in case Riana called. Derek and Matthew didn’t argue.

  Alex pulled his phone from his pocket as he turned his back on the keys. One new text message. He swiped his finger across the screen and opened his messages.

  Riana.

  Alex breathed a sigh of relief before he even read it.

  "Alex, I’m so sorry. I’m okay. I miss you."

  He held on to his phone tightly, unsure of how to respond. He was just happy to hear from her.

  "I’m sorry too. I miss you. Please let me know what I can do to help."

  There was so much more he wanted to say; I love you, please come to me, I’ll take care of you. He didn’t dare say it though.

  "You have nothing to be sorry for. I just need time right now. Please don’t call me. I’ll call you when I can."

  Alex’s face twisted up in confusion. He got up and entered the main area of the studio. “She doesn’t want me to call.” He mumbled distractedly.

  “You heard from her?” Derek asked quickly. Alex nodded.

  “She just texted me, apologized and said she missed me. But she told me not to call her.” Alex looked to his big brother. “I don’t understand, Derek. Why won’t she talk to me?” Derek got up and sat on the arm of the chair Alex was hunched over in.

  “
I think, it might be too much for her to talk to you right now.” He guessed gently.

  “Why?” Alex blurted, pain evident on his face.

  “She…” Matthew started hesitantly. He focused his eyes on his water bottle and thought of how to continue. “...is processing the loss of something... huge and intricate in her life. And… she has a lot of conflicting feelings right now. She just needs time Alex.” Matt finally lifted his eyes to Alex. Alex could tell instantly.

  “You’ve talked to her.” He accused quickly. Matt dropped his eyes from Alex’s and nodded. Anger rose within Alex. He felt Riana had to have known he would do anything for her. Why would she have turned to Matt instead of him?

  “Alex, please don’t take it personally.” Matt started softly. “She just wanted to let us know she was okay, without being faced with how she feels about you right now.”

  Alex narrowed his eyes at Matthew. “She doesn’t know how she feels about me.” He grumbled.

  “You’re absolutely right.” Matt confirmed. “And talking to you right now is only going to make it harder for her to figure out.”

  Riana decided to stop for the night in Colorado as she was completely exhausted. Too much emotional pain, too much thinking, too much to figure out. She warily made her way to the front desk of the hotel with her shoulders drooped from having to bear too much weight. After she got her key she shuffled down the hall to her single room. It was all she needed at that point, a place to shower and attempt to sleep. She didn’t need anything else.

  Except Alex.

  She needed his smile, his safe arms, and the assurance that everything would be okay. She wasn’t sure if she was just spun around by Ryan and feeling lost that she craved something familiar or if Alex was truly what she needed. She worried she would accept the deceitful comfort of anyone’s arms at that point. Instead of dwelling on it she took a shower and crawled into the stiff coolness of the bed.